The fight on the wreckage of Spaceball 5 was still going hot and heavy as Lone Starr finally paddled close to it. As might have been expected at this point, Mary Sue was easily fending off both Helmet and Wenn at once, parrying each of their blows. "You're good, missy, really good," Wenn was now giving her some grudging respect.
"And I learned it all myself, without anyone's help," Mary Sue told him proudly, making a strong thrust that forced him backwards, "And when I beat the two of you singlehandedly, you're going to tell me where my father Dr. Waylon Shipps is!"
"Shipps? Oh he's just fine, but you're not going to go anywhere near him," Helmet declared, blocking another one of her blows, "No matter how good you are, we are going to make you, like Lone Starr, unbelievably dead."
"Did someone say my name?" Lone Starr jumped dramatically onto the wreckage and activated his Schwartz blade, "You didn't think I was going to miss out on the fun, did you, Helmet?"
"Hey, I've got it under control here, don't screw this up on me!" Mary Sue warned him, looking frustrated at his arrival.
"Screw it up on you!? After you've screwed everything up on me!? You're not cheating me out of the honor of this fight!" Lone Starr told her sharply, "I'm fighting this one with you whether you're the Knickknack Paddywhack or not!"
"As you wish, Lone Starr, but prepare, then, to meet your doom!" Helmet lunged forwards towards him-only to slip on the water-soaked metal, fall on his face, and hydroplane past Lone Starr right into the ocean. "Very nice, Helmet; I'm really scared," Lone Starr applauded his foe sarcastically, "I'll wait till you're ready again."
"And before you finish fighting him, wait for me, Lone Starr. There's something important I have to tell you after I destroy Shipps' arrogant little daughter here," Wenn said solemnly to him, blocking more thrusts from Mary Sue.
"Important information? Isn't it a little late for surprise plot points?" Lone Starr frowned.
"Trust me, this is really important!"
"Well you get..." Lone Starr cut off as a saturated Helmet climbed back on board the wreckage and reactivated his Schwartz. Yelling in frustration, he charged at the hero, and the two of them clashed their beams hard. "You cannot win, Lone Starr! You've already been supplanted by a younger, more politically correct hero, and we have too much firepower at our disposal on Planet Spaceball and Hockeygol even if you do win this duel!" the villain taunted him, "You're just an anachronism of times gone by, while I shall live forever as a symbol of evil!"
"Only a symbol of idiotic evil, Helmet! You're nothing but...AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!" Lone Starr groaned as a giant wave broke over the wreckage, dousing he and Helmet with thousands of gallons of sea water. When it subsided, he was covered from head to toe in seaweed, and an octopus had come to rest on his head. This, though, gave him an idea as Helmet got up and charged him once more. Once the villain was close enough, Lone Starr reached out and yanked up his visor, then seized one of the octopus' arms and sprayed Helmet in the face with octopus ink. Howling, Helmet stumbled blindly backwards, falling into the ocean yet again. "I'd say you're more washed up right now than me, Helmet," Lone Starr chuckled, dropping the octopus back into the ocean. He then rushed towards Mary Sue and Wenn and started throwing blade thrusts at Helmet's apprentice. "I've told you I can handle this!" Mary Sue shouted at him.
"Probably, but I've told you you're not taking all the glory!" Lone Starr shouted back, "We're fighting this together whether you like it or not! Take this!" he threw more thrusts at Wenn. Their blades clashed hard repeatedly-and, as had been the case on Mega Maid canonically, twisted up together. "Again!?" Lone Starr slapped his hand to his face. "OK, put your foot on my shin," he asked Wenn, bracing himself against the wreckage.
"Can't believe it; this was supposed to have a non-twist warranty when I got it!" Wenn muttered to himself. "OK, one, two, three!"
They two of them pushed apart, untwisting their blades, but also both falling into the ocean. Lone Starr swam to another piece of wreckage and climbed aboard. A snarling Wenn swam over as well and started jumping up and down on his end, trying to catapult the hero off it. Lone Starr defiantly jumped on his end to try and get the same effect, and soon the two of them were childishly bouncing through the air as if they were on a trampoline, trading parries in midair. "You're good," Lone Starr commended him, "Much better than that Count Cuckoo guy Helmet had in the last fan story...what ever happened to him?"
"Who cares? I'm here now, and I'm your worst nightmare!" Wenn declared.
"Worst nightmare? That's so clichéd, you know. You say that..." Lone Starr started to retort, but yelped as something large and metallic hit him in the back of the head. A second one followed, sending him sprawling to the ground. "What's also clichéd, Lone Starr, is that we members of the forces of evil will play dirty when necessary," Helmet gloated at him, climbing aboard a neighboring piece of wreckage, "Like so, for example!"
He aimed his Schwartz ring at a giant power generator floating nearby, causing it to glow and rise up out of the water, then slam down hard on top of Lone Starr, pinning him to the ground. Groaning, Lone Starr strained to get back up, but the generator was much too heavy. He had no escape this time. And worse, Wenn foot came down on his hand, pinning his Schwartz ring uselessly against the metal. "As I have said, Lone Starr, evil will triumph because good is dumb, especially when they don't see we of the forces of evil will do absolutely anything to win," Helmet sneered, activating his Schwartz blade again and raising it over his foe's neck, "Prepare to become unbelievably dead!"
"Go to hell, Helmet," Lone Starr defiantly spat at his feet. "You want to tell me something, tell me now," he snapped up at Wenn. Just then, though, Helmet seized up and started punching himself repeatedly in the balls involuntarily. "Later; I've clearly got time," Wenn shrugged, seeing Mary Sue aiming her Schwartz at Helmet from the original piece of wreckage, now making him pound his head hard off the generator. She then aimed a cage from the Spaceball 5 zoo holding a very large lion nearby, causing it to spring open. Roaring, the lion leaped out and charged straight towards Helmet. Screaming in terror, Helmet took off running across the wreckage, the lion hot on his heels. "Sandurz, get me out of here!" he screamed for the colonel's aid over his communicator.
"On our way, sir; we called some cabs to take us back to Planet Spaceball," came Sandurz's voice over the airwaves. Lone Starr looked up to see hundreds of space taxis descending towards the wreckage, stopping over the water and picking up the rest of Spaceball 5's survivors. His attention, though, was diverted once more as Mary Sue leaped onto the platform and aimed her Schwartz ring at the generator on top of him. It glowed, then rose off him and dropped into the water. Lone Starr stumbled to his feet. "I...I guess this is where I say...I say, thank you," he said softly, extending a hand.
"I told you I had it under control," Mary Sue told him curtly, only grudgingly taking it, "See," she gestured at the Spaceballs rocketing into orbit in their cabs, Helmet clinging desperately to his apprentice's heels as the taxi they were hanging on to soared into the sky, "I could have stopped all of them if I hadn't had to take time out to clean up your mess."
"Sorry," Lone Starr mumbled again, a new feeling starting to wash over him: deep guilt.
"Ah, Boss, there you are," Barf approached him on the rock he was seated on by the shoreline a few hours later, his head hung low, "We're having a going away dinner before Yogurt sends us off to save Mary Sue's dad. I saved a couple chicken wings for you," he held them up in his boss's face.
"Thanks, Barf, but I'm not hungry," Lone Starr mumbled, shame in his voice.
"Oh, well, I guess I'll put them in the Winnebago's freezer; you can have them on the trip to Planet Spaceball," the mawg mused.
"Barf, hate to break it to you, but I'm not going," Lone Starr told him softly, "I'm retiring from the hero game as of now."
"What?" Barf's expression dropped, "Retiring? What are you saying, boss?"
"What I'm saying is," the hero rose up, his head still hanging low, "Is that I've taken a good look at myself, and I've seen I've just been a jealous backwards looking fool with the Cometrider woman," he gestured at Mary Sue on the beach, being feted by everyone else, "If she's a good person and genuinely adept at fighting the forces of evil, well, who am I to judge her and tell others they can't applaud her? Truth is, she's a better hero than me now: younger, stronger, more powerful, more politically correct..." he shook his head softly, "We had a great run, Barf, but it's time to move on, I see it now. Time to step aside and let the next generation lead the fight against the forces of darkness."
"Really!?" Barf looked stunned, "Gee boss, that's really deep thought for a parody story. Well, what'll you do now?"
"I'm going back to the monastery I was found on the steps of. I was thinking of joining them, reaching out to the Schwartz that way, the mystic stuff and all," the hero mused stoically, "It'll be a good way to go out to pasture."
"So...that's it? We'll never see you again?" the mawg started sniffing.
"Hey, you and Vespa can stop by any time, Barf. We might not reminisce much, since I'll probably have to take a vow of silence, but it'll be good to have you there. Here," Lone Starr pulled out his Winnebago's keys and handed them to Barf, "Miss Cometrider's earned the right to drive it, much as I feel like throwing up saying it. She'll be a good new leader for you to follow. I'll miss you though, Barf."
"Well, if this is how it has to be, I'll miss you too, boss," sniffing harder, Barf hugged him hard. "Barf, Barf, ribs, can't breathe!" Lone Starr gasped for air.
"Oh, sorry, sorry," Barf released him. There came a loud honking sound behind them. "Well, that's my bus; I called them in to tell them I wanted a lift," Lone Starr said softly, noticing the space bus now parked on the beach behind him. He turned back to his sidekick. "Take care of Vespa and everyone else for me, Barf. I'm counting on you for that."
"You can trust me, boss," Barf nodded glumly. "Say, boss," he called out again as Lone Starr had turned to leave, "We did have some great times together over the years, didn't we?"
"Yeah, we did. But the past isn't the present, and it can't be the future either. We all have to move on some time. Take care, Barf," Lone Starr waved goodbye to the mawg and trudged slowly towards the bus. He glanced down at the Schwartz ring on his finger. There was still one thing left to do before retirement...
"...and so, I'd like to sell to you this authentic Ring of the Schwartz," he said an hour and a half later inside the Galactic Famous Cesium and Iridium Pawn Shop to the balding proprietor behind the counter, "Minimal usage, so it'll fetch a high price. I'm saying, maybe half a million spacebucks, which I'd then like to donate to charity before I start my new profession."
"Hmm," the pawn shop owner took the ring and examined it, "If this were a canon story and there were fewer rings of the Schwartz around, maybe it would fetch a higher price. This bears a bit more examination. I'm going to call in an expert who deals in mystic artifacts for Schwartz-sensitive beings and see what he thinks of it..."
"Why do you need an expert!? You're always calling in a damn expert for even the most obvious stuff we take in!" griped the old man in the back room behind the counter, "I raised you to be able to know all this stuff without having to call in a blasted expert...!"
"Pops, what drama would there be if I knew everything about everything?" his son asked him with raised eyebrows. Turning back to Lone Starr, he said, "Let me know your phone number, I can have my guy come take a look at this, and we'll let you know in a couple days. My guess right now is, maybe about a thousand spacebucks..."
"A thousand? This is a ring of Schwartz, it's got to be worth more than that!" Lone Starr protested, "Give me at least fifty thousand!"
"I'd say fifteen thousand," the owner countered.
"Thirty."
"Twenty-five."
"Hey Harrison, the vintage Tothian mines just arrived," a long-haired clerk came out from the back.
"Oh good, Tennessee. Put them in the back with this Ring of the Schwartz," the owner handed it to them, "Make sure it's in a safe place; you can't be too careful with..."
The pawn shop's doors abruptly swung wide open. "Sorry gentlemen, but I'm afraid you're closing early for the day," Wenn strode in, "And hand over that Schwartz ring while you're at it," he pointed at Tennessee with the ring.
"I'm sorry sir, but we're open till nine tonight," the owner told him matter of factually, "And you'll have to wait your turn until I'm done with this gentleman..."
Wenn raised his own Schwartz ring and fired the by now familiar stream of magical fists into the owner's balls. "On second thought, Tennessee, I've just decided we need a vacation; close up the shop!" he whimpered to his clerk, who fearfully dropped Lone Starr's ring to the counter, rushed to the front window, and flipped the sign over to Closed. "Whatever you want, take it for free!" he told Wenn in a high-pitched voice.
"You guys are such tremendous cowards! First customer that comes in throwing around Down Side Schwartz powers, you both fold like cheap tents!" the old man excoriated them from the back, "Back in my day when I ran this place, we'd never..."
"You heard your son, it's time to go on vacation!" Wen thundered, firing another Schwartz blast towards the back room. Bowing to the inevitable, the old man took off running for the back door, the owner and the clerk right behind him. "As I was saying, Lone Starr," Wenn blocked his path when he grabbed his Schwartz ring back up and tried to run out the door, "We need to talk."
"Oh, all right, but make it quick; I'm retiring to a monastery..." Lone Starr muttered impatiently.
"It will be quick, because I'm getting right to the point. Lone Starr..." Wenn removed his helmet and stared him right in the eyes, "...I am your grandfather."
There was complete silence in the pawn shop. "Well, doesn't that mean anything to you!?" the villain demanded.
"What do you want me to do, scream and rant and rave that life's not fair like a three-year-old!?" Lone Starr shot back, "And how do I know that's the truth!?"
"Look into my eyes, boy; don't see you see a family resemblance?" Wenn dared him. Lone Starr squinted at him. "Well, kind of," he conceded, "But really, so what!? What difference would it really make if you're my grandfather, or even my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate!?"
"Because I'm going to make you an offer, my boy," Wenn told him. He took a deep breath, "Your father was an idiot, unwilling to realize that if you have the power that being a king provides, you'd better be able to flaunt it. He never believed in imprisoning our enemies, executing rebels, raising taxes, anything like that. No, all he talked about was constitutional monarchy and raising up the people and all that rubbish. I wanted to arrest him, but he beat me to the punch and overthrew me before I could. Well, as of now, you and I are the only family left. So instead of fighting each other, and you running off to exile with your tail between your legs, let's work together."
"Work together? To what ends?"
"I know you hate Helmet and that little twerp Cometrider. And you know what, son; I hate them both too. She's an annoying brat, and he's a hopeless idiot who'd never have lasted long in my day. Now I'll work with him as long as I can get my own kingdom again, but once I do, well, we can start what your father cut off all over again. You and I, co-rulers over a large part of the galaxy. Forget about Druidia; you saw how they all dumped you for Cometrider the instant she appeared on the scene. They never really cared for you, you have to see that now, don't you? The planet's better off destroyed, all that fresh air being used elsewhere. With me, Lone Starr, you'll never have to fade away to obscurity. You'll be relevant to the day you die, and you get to see your enemies perish too. So come on, son," he extended his hand to the hero, "Don't pass up the offer of a lifetime. What do you say?"
Lone Starr stared at the hand, then down at the Schwartz ring in his hand. Then into Wenn's face. Then back at his hand. He had to admit the man did have some valid points, whether he was in fact his grandfather or not. And in that moment, he knew what the answer would have to be...