"You lost another ship!?" Skroob rolled his eyes incredulously inside the presidential phone booth on Hockeygol, "OK, once I'm done here, I'll send the word to build up Spaceball 6 for the big climax. I've got some reinforcements coming for you here in a moment. Right, bye, Sandurz."

He hung up. "Fell for the old banana in the tailpipe routine, can't believe it!" he muttered in disgust, "How dumb can you be to fall for something so simple...OOOOOOWWWWWW!" he yelped as he turned and walked straight into the booth's closed door. Clutching his face, he slid it open and stumbled down the hall to the central room. "President Skroob salute!" the lead technician barked out the command.

"HAIL SKROOB!" the others obligingly gave the salute. Skroob returned it with his free hand. "Vinnie, long time no see," he greeted the infamous gangster droid, who was standing around a tall metallic sphere in the middle of the room along with a knot of his metallic cohorts and a squad of pepperoni men, sausage men, pepper men, mushroom men, anchovy men, and other similar beings.

"Skroob," Vinnie greeted him with a monotone buzz, "I hope this works."

"Should work; my guys didn't build it," Skroob told him, shooting a disapproving glance at the beamer in the corner, "OK, just throw whatever's left in, and we'll take care of the rest."

"Boys," Vinnie waved at the nearest two pepperoni men, who carried forward what looked like partially eaten pizza leftovers. "In the chamber with them if you will," Commanderette Zircon instructed them, opening the chamber door. The two alien beings placed them inside. "All right Snotty, begin the recombination process," Zircon ordered him.

"Recombinating, sir," Snotty pressed several buttons on his console. A glowing light and plumes of smoke trickled out from inside the chamber. "How long?" Vinnie asked Snotty.

"Should be no more than the time it would take Nessie to make a lap of Loch Ness, sir," Snotty told him.

"Just make sure his head's on right, though, Snotty," Skroob warned him, I don't want him to send out for me..."

"Listen," a pepper man held up his hand. A familiar snickering laugh came from within the chamber. "Sounds like it's complete and successful. Open the chamber," Zircon commanded Snotty.

"Opening the chamber, sir," Snotty pressed some more buttons, opening the chamber doors and sending smoke spilling everywhere. Seconds later, a resurrected Pizza the Hutt stepped out of the fog, to be mobbed by his men and the gangster droids. "Hello, boys," he greeted them all, "It's good to somehow be back. To whom do I owe the honor of this resurrection?"

"Me, Pizza," Skroob bustled forward and shook the gangster's hand-then grimaced from the sauce and cheese now covering it, "Anyway, we brought you back because we need all the help we can get..."

"A hundred thousand spacebucks, all up front," Pizza warned him. Sighing, Skroob dug through his pockets. "Here, here's fifty grand up front; Zircon, have the rest of the troops send in contributions," he told the commanderette. "So, as I was saying, Pizza," he continued, "I'm sure you and your men want to still collect from Lone Starr and his men. Well, I've got a bit of a job for you and them..."

"Well, good luck, Miss Cometrider," Yogurt wished Mary Sue well on the beach of Gesundheit, "The boys and I are heading back to Vega; we've got more merchandising to work on," he gestured at the Dinks, clutching suitcases behind him, "Keep me informed on how it goes getting your father out."

"Not to worry, Yogurt; if I'm the Knickknack Paddywhack, there'll be no problems," Mary Sue assured him, "May the Schwartz be with you."

"Isn't that my line?" Yogurt frowned, but nonetheless waved goodbye to his new protégé as she hefted Lone Starr's keys and climbed into the Winnebago. "Barf, backseat; Meteor's riding shotgun," she told the mawg, who was sitting down in the front passenger seat as usual.

"Huh?" Barf frowned, "But this is my usual seat..."

"Well it's my Winnebago now, and Meteor's my best friend, so he rides shotgun. Back," Mary Sue jerked a finger through the curtain. Sighing, Barf complied, nearby bumping into a tripping over Meteor as the mole blindly walked into him. The mawg walked over to where Vespa and Dot were sitting down at the table. "Can't believe I have to give up the shotgun seat," he complained to them, buckling up and gripping the table as the Eagle 5-A's engines started, "I feel like I've been demoted."

"We all have," Dot shook her head, "Did the prince say where he was going?"

"Back to the monastery to try and get closer to the Schwartz. I hope he changes his mind and comes back," Barf glanced out the window at Gesundheit diminishing away below them, "I don't want to be reduced to irrelevancy here."

"We all don't, Barf, but we won't. And saving my father and Mary Sue's father's more important than who's leading," Vespa reminded him, "Still," she also shot a glance out the window, "I hope he comes back too. It won't feel the same without him..."

"Attention crew, we are now heading on a course for Planet Spaceball," Mary Sue's voice came on over the loudspeaker, "I've felt some disturbances in the Schwartz; my father's imprisoned in the Spaceball City prison complex. Here's the plan: we land on the far side of the planet, sneak in through the sewers, and then you distract the guards while I rescue my father and King Roland."

"That's it?" Barf frowned, "You do all the hard work, and we're just decoys?"

"Hey, I'm the Knickknack Paddywhack; I don't make mistakes. Trust me on this," Mary Sue emphasized with more than a little curtness.

"Well, OK," the mawg shrugged, "How bad could it be, really?"

"Aaaaaarggh, I can't believe this!" Vespa wailed two hours later, trudging through waist deep sewage flowing under Spaceball City, "This is no way for a Druish princess to try and save the day, swimming through toilet waste...!"

"Listen, you royal pain, I'm getting very tired of this!" Mary Sue snapped, turning to glare at the princess, "Ever since we've gone into the sewers, you've whined to no end, and I've had enough! We'll be out of this soon enough!"

"Well, why couldn't we pose as guards or pizza delivery men, or something like that!?" Vespa moaned, wiping at her dress, "We didn't even have a chance to formulate a plan; you just told us what to do...!"

"I said cork it, you wench!" Mary Sue roared, pushing Vespa back against the wall, "I'm the Knickknack Paddywhack, and I'm perfect, and I'm in charge of this mission with your husband gone, so you're going to do exactly as I say it!"

"How dare you talk to me in that manner!" Vespa roared back, outraged, "You will show proper respect to a member of the Druidian royal family! I am...!"

"And I don't care if your name's Anne Droid; one more complaint out of you, and I'm sending you back to the ship!" Mary Sue warned her, "Here we are," she stopped below a grating, "This leads into the prison complex."

"Are you sure?" Barf, covering his nose in disgust from the smell of the sewage, stumbled up from the rear, "All these gratings look the same..."

"I'm one with the Schwartz and I'm perfect; this is it! Push it open!" Mary Sue ordered him.

"Actually, I'm going on strike here," frustrated, Barf leaned against the wall, "You've done a hundred- and eighty-degree character turn for the worst in record time, and I'm not..."

"Now!" Mary Sue pointed her fingers at him, prompting Barf to rise off his feet and slam head-first into the grating repeatedly. The fifth blow popped it off its mooring. Barf, though, continued upwards, slamming his head hard into the ceiling before falling back to the ground. "Oh, that was great, that was lovely!" he complained to Mary Sue as she slithered through the open grate, "I'm going to sue for that, you know...!"

"And I'll do worse if you don't shut up and do what the Knickknack Paddywhack tells you to do!" she warned him, extending her fingers towards him and making Barf gulp and scurry backwards. Mary Sue closed her eyes and waved her arms around, apparently trying to reach out to the Schwartz. "OK, Dad, reach out to me...he's down there behind that door," she pointed at one down the hall. "OK, all of you run that way," she dismissively waved at the others, "I'll handle this."

"No you're not! We're all doing this together as a team!" Vespa stormed up the hall after her, "With my husband, we were always a team, even when he was still a commoner! You do not order Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids, around like a second-rate servant!"

"You're going to be a second-rate corpse if you don't shut up and do as I say!" Mary Sue warned her, "I'M in charge here, and this is MY honor!"

"You pathetic little tramp!" outraged, Vespa spun Mary Sue around and slapped her, "You're nothing but a second-rate hack hero, and I don't care how much you're one with the Schwartz, you're..."

Her eyes flashing with fury, Mary Sue raised her hand up to Vespa's throat. The princess started gasping for air. "Stop it, stop it!" Dot rushed forward to protect her boss, "This is not how a hero acts...!"

"I'm the Knickknack Paddywhack; whatever I say is right!" the girl bellowed in carnal rage. She released Vespa to the ground in a flash. "Up the hall, all of you; this is my honor!" she ordered them, then raced over to the door at the end of the hall. "OK, Dad, here I come," she declared, kicking the door wide open...

...and immediately found herself staring down the gun barrels of at least four dozen Spaceball troopers. "Fooled you!" Helmet snickered, walking forward through his men, "So, Knickknack Paddywhack, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball? Well, you were wrong..."

"Helmet, thank god, save us!" Dot rushed the villain and embraced him, as did the others, "She's gone mad...!"

"Get off of me you mechanical moocher!" Helmet shoved the droid off himself, then yanked up his visor and stared in confusion at Sandurz at the back of the crowd of troops. "Did I miss a deleted scene here that explains this?" he asked the colonel.

"Wait a minute, this isn't right!" Mary Sue shouted, glancing around the empty room, "Where's my father!? I sensed him in here, and I'm never wrong...!"

"The answer to that, my dear Knickknack Paddywhack, is right here," Sandurz pulled open the curtain against the wall, revealing behind it a giant machine with the words MR. FALSE SCHWARTZ VISION GENERATOR on the sides. "That wasn't fair!" Mary Sue shouted in frustration, "You tricked me...!"

"Thank you," Sandurz grinned triumphantly, "We Spaceballs take pride in being a ruthless race of beings and pulling dirty tricks like this."

"This was terrible, Mel!" Mary Sue glanced upwards and continued ranting, "You know I'm perfect, I'm not supposed to fall for something like this...!"

"No need to blame him for it," Skroob, having apparently for once beamed without any trouble, strode into the room, "Believe me, Miss Cometrider, if Mel Brooks had deliberately set you up for this, I'd know about it. All right men, secure the prisoners," he ordered his troops, "They're going to Hockeygol to witness the end of Druidia…"

"No we're not!" Mary Sue tried to break away and run, but cried out and fell to her knees as the nearest troopers blasted her with bright red blasts from guns labeled SPACEBALLS THE CHOSEN ONE SCHWARTZ POWER SUPPRESSOR. "That should drain you of all your superior power until we're ready to use you for more suitable purposes," Helmet gloated, "Sergeant, take her to the transport and prepare her for transport to Hockeygol. I have an idea of how to use her," he instructed the lead trooper.

"Yes Lord Helmet," the sergeant saluted, then gestured for his men to carry Mary Sue out. "And none of you are going anywhere!" the villain thundered at the rest of the heroes, who were trying to sneak off, "You are still our prisoners...!"

"Eat this, Helmet!" Meteor pulled out a grenade launcher and started to point it at Helmet, but his aim quickly shifted upwards to the ceiling by the time he fired. The blast dislodged a large chunk of plaster, which fell down on the mole's head, knocking him senseless. "He always was an embarrassment to the Guardians of the Cosmos," Helmet sneered at the mole. "Take him away too," he ordered several of his remaining troops, who carried Meteor off. "As for the rest of you," he approached his more familiar foes, "I'd be honored to have you all take a ride with me aboard Spaceball 6 to Hockeygol once it is completed. There, you will be my guests at the ceremony that will destroy Planet Druidia once and for all..."

"Uh, hold the phone a minute, Mike, I'm seeing something here I've never seen before..." the elderly cabdriver said in surprise to his dispatcher, staring at the sight of Lone Starr standing on the platform of the approaching intergalactic bus terminal in his underwear, desperately waving his thumb for a ride. He pulled the cab over. "Need a ride somewhere?" he asked the hero with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, the main monastery in the Ford Galaxy," Lone Starr climbed into the back, "You got a blanket or something I could...?"

"Say no more," the cabbie handed one back, which Lone Starr quickly wrapped around himself. "Party a lot last night?" the driver asked him as he pulled out into space again.

"No, no, this trip has been anything but a party for me," Lone Starr shook his head, "I've been supplanted by a younger, stronger protagonist. Then when I tried to sell off my Schwartz ring, Dark Helmet's apprentice came in and threw me one that wasn't just out of left field, but out of the discount parking lot well behind left field. Said I was his grandson, and he wanted me to work with him to bring both Helmet and my friends down. I turned him down, his Knights of Wenn conked me on the head from behind in retaliation, and I woke up back there like you saw me," he opened up his palm to reveal his Schwartz ring, which the Knights of Wenn had smashed beyond repair, "So much for the hero game, huh?" he asked the cabbie.

"So Yogurt gave you a ring too?" the cabbie looked back, surprised, "What a coincidence; he gave me one when I was apprenticed to him back at the beginning of the Drone Wars."

"Apprenticed? Yogurt never mentioned anything about another apprentice?" Lone Starr frowned.

"He sensed there was something special in me and wanted me to be able to use the full strength of the Up Side of the Schwartz. Unfortunately, I blew it," the cabbie shook his head grimly, "Let the power get the better of me, and..."

"Wait a minute," Lone Starr snapped his fingers, "If he gave you a ring during the Drone Wars...aren't you...?"

"Roe Boatz, yeah," the cabbie admitted, "Or at least I was..." he slumped his head down on the steering wheel, "We were storming a Bad Guy citadel on Crashboompow. I'd started letting being able to wield the ring get to my head and tried to use the power of the Schwartz to drag the Bad Guys out. Instead, I brought the whole building down and killed all the rest of the Good Guys under my command too. I threw the ring away in horror and took up a job driving hacks like this so I wouldn't have to show me face in public again. How about you?" he turned back to his passenger, "Captain Lone Starr, I presume?"

"Well, Prince Lone Starr now, but also not what I used to be anymore," he sighed, "It's always so easy to look like the dashing hero on screen, but eventually, Batman was right; either you die the hero, or live long enough to become the villain. I guess that's what I've become. I'm getting out of the hero business and joining the monastery. That way I can..."

"Hold the phone, more passengers at the bus station over there," Roe interrupted, pulling his cab over to the station's curb. He then did a double take upon seeing who was waiting for a ride. "I don't believe it...!" he exclaimed.

"It's amazing what coincidences can happen when you need them too, yep," Yogurt slid into the back of the cab, followed by the Dinks. "Hello, Lone Starr," he greeted his current protégé next to him in the back seat, "That's a new look for you without clothes, isn't it?"

"I'd prefer not to go into it, Yogurt..." Lone Starr shifted about in embarrassment, wrapping the blanket more tightly around himself.

"Well, well, Roeschel Boatzkiewicz, it's been a real long time," Yogurt now recognized the cab driver.

"It's Roe Boatz now, Yogurt," Roe corrected him, sliding down in the driver's seat in embarrassment.

"Well, a person can change their name, but not who they really are deep down," the Schwartz master said sagely, "And the Roeschel Boatzkiewicz I knew way back in the Drone Wars wouldn't be trying to hide himself from the world."

"Yogurt, I let you down. You all but said so yourself after...everything," Roe mumbled guiltily, "All those guys, because of my arrogance..."

"Yeah, true, and I was mad then you'd let the power of the Schwartz get to you," Yogurt admitted, "But all of us," he looked back and forth between Roe and Lone Starr, "Can't run from our problems. That's the surest way to let the bad guys win, and I hate when that happens. So instead of running from what the two of you are, why not face those failures and turn them into successes?"

"Wow. Yogurt," Lone Starr whistled in amazement, "That's really deep for a parody story."

"I know; that seems to be...hold on a moment," Yogurt held up his hand and closed his eyes, "I'm getting a sensation deep down inside me...it feels like..."

Without warning, he farted, making everyone else in the cab groan and cover their noses. "Yeah, OK, I had too much for breakfast," the Schwartz master admitted, "But I am feeling a tingling in the Schwartz," his expression grew solemn, "The rest of the heroes are in trouble right now, I can feel it."

"You sure that's not indigestion?" Lone Starr proposed hesitantly.

"Trust me, pal; your bride and friends are in trouble in Spaceball City right now as we speak, big trouble," Yogurt told him, "And I for one think this is a good time for us heroes to do something about it. Roeschel," he leaned over the seat, "There was a time, a time not long ago, well before Chevys and levies played on the radio, when you were one of the best aspiring Good Guys I knew. If that Roeschel Boatzkiewicz is still inside this minimum wage cabbie somewhere, I'd like to ask him to come with me and make amends for that admittedly pretty serious mistake of his."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Well then, what are we waiting for!?" Roe excitedly pressed down on the accelerator, "I'd been hoping for a second chance for years now. Spaceball City, here we come-and by the way, what's the plan?" he asked Yogurt.

"I shall think of it," Yogurt declared, "And the answer shall be revealed in due time, namely in the next chapter..."