"Great, thank you so much for making this possible," Lone Starr said to the doctor on the Eagle 5-A's video screen, "And don't worry, I won't hold you responsible if anything happens to any of them. OK, see you and them on Hockeygol."
He switched the screen off, then dialed the phone on the console. "How's it coming, Roe?" he asked the cabdriver, who was speeding through the cosmos alongside him.
"Better than I expected, L.S.," Roe told him excitedly, "Every Good Guy I got through to can make it. They'll rendezvous with us by Jupiter-2, so we'll have a whole convoy by the time we reach Hockeygol. How about you?"
"The head doctor at the retirement home was a little hesitant at first, but he agreed to let all the Good Guys living there now come along as long as they had a nurse for their aid. Our super-secret weapon might be late, though," Lone Starr frowned, "They're very adamant about doing their thing by sundown and all."
"I could have guessed," Roe mumbled, "Well as long as they get there on time, they'll probably tip things in our favor."
"Here's hoping. I'll go over my plan once we meet up with everyone at Jupiter-2," Lone Starr hung up. "So, we've got help coming?" Dr. Shipps came through the curtain.
"More than we expected too, Doc," the hero told him, "So I think we at least have a chance."
"Good, good. I'd hate for my work to end up destroying a planet," the doctor shook his head grimly.
"You never did tell us exactly what your doomsday weapon does, Doc," Barf posed to him.
"Oh, yeah, I guess not. Well, Skroob and Helmet wanted to refit what's left of Mega Maid from the actual picture," Dr. Shipps explained, "They recovered the vacuum part of the wreckage and forced me to retrofit it for them. They're going to suck all the light and power out of Hockeygol's star, then reverse the vacuum and fire it like one giant laser blast at Druidia. I tampered with the final weapon as best I could, including putting in a ridiculously complicated startup procedure when they do try and activate it, but that was before Helmet learned his father had left that big fleet behind for him. So it might not matter whether the weapon works or not. Worse, if they have Mary Sue and know how powerful in the Schwartz she is, they might decide to use her to ramp up its power. And if that happens..."
He slumped his head into his hands. "I was hoping Mary Sue would have taken them down by now. Maybe if I'd been there for her more over the years, I could have been able to help train her myself. Yeah, I was being held against my will most of that time, but it won't change the fact I wasn't there for my daughter. So I feel like a failure..."
"Hey, you're no failure, Doc," Barf comforted him, "I can tell you love her, and you always have. Besides, it's never too late to mend."
"I hope not," Dr. Shipps took a nervous breath, "If she's not mad, I want to be there as her father from here on whether we succeed or not."
"We'll succeed," Lone Starr hunched down dramatically over the steering wheel, "We may not be the new generation of heroes, or even the most politically correct kind of heroes, but we can come through when it counts. And besides, I have a plan forming...kind of..."
"Daddy, please don't let me have to go through with this!" Vespa sobbed on Hockeygol, now back in a wedding dress, "I don't love him, and I'll never love him...!"
"I know, my dear, and I hate him too, but it looks like we have no choice in the matter," King Roland stared grimly at the dozen or so Spaceball troopers holding he, his daughter, and Dot at gunpoint in the waiting room.
"Maybe we'll be lucky, and he'll sleep himself to death during the service," Dot suggested. It was then, though, the door swung open. "OK, guess what time it is?" Wenn stuck his head through the door.
"MAGIC TIME!" The Knights of Wenn leaned over their superior's shoulder and leered at the royal pair. "OK, Princess, you Majesty, starting on the left foot, here we go," the leader of the troops commanded them, cocking his rifle.
"Stay calm, Vespa, I'll think of a way out of this," Roland assured his daughter, taking her arm and very slowly leading her down the aisle at gunpoint from the troopers. The minister from the First Intergalactic Temple (Reformed) of the Druids stood waiting at the altar for them, flanked by Skroob, Helmet, and the rest of the Bad Guy leaders. "Dearly beloved," the minister began his spiel to the room full of Bad Guys before him, "we are gathered here today...very much against our will," he turned sideways to glare at the Spaceball troopers aiming at his from the side of the altar, "to once again witness the marriage of Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland, and Princess...uh, Prince Valium into the bonds of holy matrimony. First, however, I've been instructed to let President Skroob make a few quick introductory remarks, so without further ado, here he goes," he stepped aside.
"President Skroob, salute!" came the command from the back of the room. "HAIL SKROOB!" the troops once more gave the salute, which Skroob returned. "Well boys, this is it, destruction day for Druidia," he declared to his men, "I have just received word that our air suckers are on their way back with thousands of years of fresh air for our usage-not quite ten thousand, but enough to fix the air problem on Planet Spaceball for the remainder of our own lives. In a moment, we'll fire up the ultimate weapon," he gestured at the apparatus behind the altar, "and blow the planet to bits. But just in case we miss, I'm ordering our new fleet," he gestured now out the window at the fleet, floating in space above Hockeygol and pointed towards Druidia, "to surround Druidia and reduce it to dust. And so, Lord Helmet, I give you the honors," he told his top enforcer. Helmet strode to the center of the altar and hefted a radio. "Attention fleet crew," he declared to the troops aboard the ships, "For the honor and long-lived-breathing of Planet Spaceball, GO!"
The ships' engines audibly sputtered to life outside-but then continued sputtering. "Now what!?" the villain howled in frustration. He raised the radio to his lips again. "Fleet commander, what's going on out there!?"
"Uh, you're not going to believe this, Lord Helmet, but we're out of gas," the main fleet officer admitted on the flagship.
"I'm out too," another captain chimed in on the radio.
"Same here," added a third. Helmet howled again and started thumping his head off the altar in a rage. "If you gave me the fleet, Dad, why couldn't you bother to gas it up for me first!?" he raged to his long dead father. "Sandurz, get on the horn with the refueling team; get the fleet gassed up quick!" he ordered the colonel.
"Already on it, sir," Sandurz turned and bustled away to get the ships fueled up, but not without tripping on the carpet and falling on his face on the way out, prompting sniggers from his men in the room. "Well, while we're waiting for that, we can also get started with the doomsday weapon, which, I'll be happy to note, will now have an upgrade with Schwartz force power. Bring the Knickknack Paddywhack in," Skroob called to the wings. Several technicians wheeled in Mary Sue, now strapped down to a gurney. "Listen, you don't have to do this!" she pitifully begged Skroob and Helmet, all her confidence now evaporated, "I'll join you guys; if you're going to win, I want to be on your side..."
"UUUUUUgggghhh, you pathetic little coward!" an incensed Vespa bellowed at her, "I believed in you when you looked like a shining example for women everywhere, but you're nothing more than a backstabbing weak little weasel!"
"It's not my fault! I have to stay perfect!" Mary Sue pleaded, "I need to win...!"
"Enough. Put her in the primary generating room and hook her up to the equipment. It'll siphon her Schwartz powers out into the weapon," Skroob told the technicians, who wheeled Mary Sue into a room to their right. "In the meantime," the Spaceball president pulled out a code key, "Let's get this show on the road! Weapon power, on!"
He aimed the code key at the machinery behind him and pressed the power button. "Welcome to the Skroob Hellstorm, your one stop program for total planetary annihilation," droned the weapon's voice system, "Please enter the 50-digit activation code onto the keypad now."
"Fifty digits!? Uh..." Skroob searched through his pockets but found nothing. "Anyone got the activation code?" he asked his nearby underlings.
"Uh..." the troops searched through their pockets. "Apparently not, sir," one of them confessed. Skroob slapped his hand to his face. "All right, search through the rooms in here; I must have left it somewhere around here!" he gave the order, "I want to get this started quick."
"What a job, left to guard Hockeygol's outer orbit while everyone else gets to enjoy the wedding or man the big defenses," a pepperoni man griped to the mushroom man in the passenger seat of their mobster car, circling around Hockeygol in orbit.
"I know, the mushroom man agreed, "Who would be stupid enough to try an assault on a planet this heavily armed?"
Just then, a horn rang out to their left. Both pizza men turned in time to see the Eagle 5-A sideswipe them, sending them spinning sideways. "Who the hell's that!?" the pepperoni man yelled, spinning the wheel to try and regain control.
"It's that blasted mawg Puke the boss wants dead!" the mushroom man exclaimed, pointing at Barf leaning out the Winnebago's passenger side window and sticking his tongue out at them. "After them!" he shouted at the pepperoni man.
"I'm on it!" the pepperoni man gunned his engine and peeled off after the retreating Eagle 5-A. Both he and his passenger hefted their guns and opened fire on the Winnebago, but being nameless low-level henchman, they missed it completely with every shot. Nonetheless, they gave pursuit around the side of Hockeygol...
...at which point the pepperoni man abruptly hit the brakes. For in front of them now besides the Winnebago was Roe's cab and at least a dozen retirement home buses. "Hiya, Bad Guys," an elderly Good Guy, hooked up to a ventilator, leaned out the door of one bus and waved at them, "We've all been waiting for this moment. Hit it!"
The buses all started their engines in unison and roared towards the pizza men's car. "RETREAT!" the mushroom man screamed in terror to his partner, who obligingly threw his car into reverse and backed up around the planet. The buses, however, quickly caught up to him and smashed their car back and forth between themselves until it was significantly dented. "Having fun yet, boys?" Roe pulled alongside and rolled down his cab's window, "I am; this is the most fun I've had in a long time. In the meantime, have a cigar," he shoved one into the mushroom man's mouth and lit it before either pizza man registered what had happened, then quickly pulled his taxi away. Moments later, the cigar exploded with the force of an atomic grenade, blowing the car and its occupants to bits. "The Good Guy fleet drove past its burning wreckage. "There goes their early alert system," Lone Starr nodded at the burning car as he drove past it. "OK, dive!" he radioed the rest of the fleet, who followed him in a steep dive into Hockeygol's atmosphere. "So, what's the plan now, Boss?" Barf asked him, gripping the dashboard hard.
"Prepare to jam their radar, buddy," Lone Starr told his sidekick, who nodded and lowered the Winnebago's periscope down, "I want as little advance warning that we're coming. Then we find out where my wife is and get her out of there."
"I'm ready!" Meteor strode into the cockpit, swaying under the weight of a very large gun, "I'm going to prove that I was always fit to defend the cosmos, no matter what...whoa...!" he lost his balance and fell on his face, firing into the dashboard and starting a small fire. Sighing, Lone Starr raised his foot up and stamped it out. "Doc, help him fire his gun," he called through the curtain to Dr. Shipps.
"I don't need help! I'm raring to go!" Meteor insisted. Dr. Shipps nonetheless gently picked the mole up and carried him into the back. "I think I can see their installations down there," radioed in one of the Good Guy bus drivers.
"Yeah, I see it too," Lone Starr responded, having noticed the clouds clearing up in front of him to reveal the Spaceballs' installations below. "Ladies and gentlemen," he declared over the radio, hunching dramatically over the steering wheel, "Welcome to Hockeygol! Barf, jam those radars!" he instructed the mawg, pointing at the radar towers atop one of Hockeygol's hills.
"Radar...once again about to be...jammed," Barf declared, pressing the button to jam them. A half dozen or so giant jars of jam soared through the air and smashed into the radars, covering them in at least five different flavors of jam. Nonetheless, gun and artillery fire began rising up at the Good Guy fleet from the troops, gangster droids, and pizza men on the ground. Lone Starr maneuvered the Eagle 5-A around to avoid the blasts. "Come on Vespa, let me know where you are," he mumbled to himself, trying to reach out for her presence in the Schwartz. And slowly but surely, it came to him. "She's down there," he pointed at a low building behind several rows of firing cannons, "We'll have to break through that."
"How, boss?" Barf asked, leaning out the window to fire on several gangster droids driving past with their own guns blazing.
"First we weaken those defenses, then we commandeer one of those big ships," Lone Starr pointed at Helmet's fleet, being rapidly fueled up below them, "That way we can take maximum damage and still make it through. In the meantime, let's take out those cannons."
He activated his radio again. "Boatz, we're going to try and disable the cannons in front of that building down there in front of us; I can sense my wife's in there," he instructed the cabbie, "You've got anything on your hack that'll work?"
"Do I ever! I've got a Parrott gun I installed in the front grill to take care of passengers that would try and stiff me last year; I've been itching to use it," Roe exclaimed.
"Well, go ahead and use it," Lone Starr goaded him. "What've we got here, Barf?" he asked the mawg, leafing through the Winnebago's owner's manual.
"Uh...we might be able to use grapeshot on them, boss," Barf said, his eyes scanning the pages.
"It'll work. Prepare to fire grapeshot."
"Preparing to fire grapeshot," Barf pressed another button on the dashboard, then grabbed hold of the periscope again. "Stand by..." Lone Starr told him, staring to the right to see a large Parrott gun emerge from the grill of Roe's taxi. The cabdriver fired at the primary cannons, sending large canisters hurtling to the ground. They burst open on impact, releasing scores of brightly colored parrots, who immediately bit down on the Spaceballs' noses and ears. Howling, the troops staggered away from their guns, trying to pull the parrots off. "Strike one done. And...fire!" Lone Starr ordered his sidekick.
"Grapeshot firing!" Barf pressed the fire button. Large bunches of grapes rocketed down and exploded on the remaining troops, leaving them covered in head to toe with jam. They also staggered away from their cannons. "Good work. Grab one of the pizzas out of the fridge," Lone Starr told Barf, who jumped up to do just that. "Doc, Meteor, get ready, we're about to board the flagship," he called to the rest of his crew aboard the Winnebago. He swerved the Winnebago towards the fleet flagship just as a fueling ship was pulling away, parking the Eagle 5-A right alongside the hatch. He threw the Winnebago into neutral, then jumped up and took the pizza off Barf. "Stand by," he told the mawg , gesturing at him to grab his gun from the front seat. He then threw open the Winnebago's door and knocked on the flagship's door. "Special pizza delivery," he called out loud.
The flagship's door was flung open. "I didn't order any...!" an officer stuck his head out. Lone Starr immediately threw the pizza in his face, then grabbed him and hurled him down with a loud splash into Hockeygol's ocean below. "All aboard!" he told his crew, activating his Schwartz beam and jumping on board the ship, where he immediately started deflecting shots from approaching Spaceball troops. "Eat this for dessert, you slugs!" Meteor yelled, blindly firing a shot that missed everyone and hit the wall. It did, however, start ricocheting crazily in circles between the walls, floor, and ceiling, finally hitting and blowing away the officer in charge of the oncoming troopers. "Say, that'll work," Lone Starr nodded. "You got one, keep shooting there!" he shouted at Meteor, pointing at the wall.
"Take this, you villains!" Meteor fired repeatedly at the wall, and soon the Spaceballs were caught in a swirl of bouncing lasers that hit them no matter where they tried to run to. The heroes advanced further and further up the hall as more of their foes were laid low with each shot, until they reached the bridge. Lone Starr retracted his Schwartz beam and aimed his ring at the door controls, which glowed and let the door open up. "Back and forth!" he told Dr. Shipps, then hit the deck as the doctor moved the still firing Meteor from side to side, blowing away all the troops on the bridge in four passes. Lone Starr shut and locked the bridge doors with his Schwartz ring, then ran to the command rail and activated the manual controls. "I know this thing probably has an Olympic size pool anyway, but it's time everyone goes for a swim," he declared, pressing a set of buttons. The flagship tilted high in the air, dumping hundreds of screaming Spaceball troops out the now opened rear cargo doors into the ocean. "Good, now let's get down to work," Lone Starr activated the ship's radio and adjusted it to the Good Guys' frequency. "Attention everyone, I am in control of the fleet flagship," he announced out loud to his allies, "Follow me, and we'll try and knock out their command center. So, although I've said it before in an actual motion picture, gentlemen, let's plow the road!"
"There, I've given you your access code, your retinal eye scan, your fingerprints, your eye coordination test, and now I'm judging chainsaws with my pants down like you asked!" a frustrated Skroob shouted at the doomsday machine, trying to concentrate and catch each chainsaw-and trying to ignore the snickers of his troops, "Is it clear to you that I'm President Skroob now!?"
"OK, you've convinced me," the machine droned, making Skroob sigh in relief and pull his pants back up, letting the chainsaws clatter to the floor with a loud buzz, "Do you wish to activate and fire the Hellstorm, Mr. President?"
"I sure do!" Skroob emphatically pressed the activation button. With a loud hum, a set of doors slid open outside, and the vacuum of Mega Maid rose high in the sky, aimed right at Hockeygol's star. "And...Vacu-Suck!" Skroob hit another button. The hand of Mega Maid switched the vacuum on, sucking light and power from the star. "In ten minutes, it'll be ready to fire, gents," he told everyone else, "So, for now, finish the ceremony-the short, short version," he instructed the minister.
"Very well," the minister sighed in disgust, "If, however," he scanned the crowd, "There are any here with anything important to say, speak now, or forever hold your peace..."
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed a Spaceball officer, pointing in horror at the window. Everyone turned and screamed themselves at the sight of the flagship coming straight at them. They frantically scrambled away right before it slammed through the windows-with the exception of Vinnie, who was too busy drinking oil to notice until it was too late. The flagship thus impaled him on its bow when it smashed through the window with an explosion of sparks. "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true..." Vinnie randomly droned in agony before slumping down, scrapped. The bridge door swung open. "Hello, Helmet. You didn't invite me to your wedding, so I decided to crash it!" Lone Starr quipped, sticking his head out.
"Darling, I knew you'd come back!" Vespa exclaimed in delight. "You're in big trouble now!" she taunted Wenn, storming past her with his Schwartz ring raised.
"Shut up!" Wenn and the approaching Helmet shouted at her at the same time. "So Lone Starr, you are in fact braver than I thought," Helmet gave his foe a small degree of praise, "But also much stupider. For you are outnumbered at least a thousand to one here. Take aim, men!" he ordered his troops, who leveled thousands of guns at the hero.
"Uh, yeah, you're right, I didn't expect this..." Lone Starr admitted, gulping.
"Sir, I'm afraid we've got...!" Sandurz ran back in, tripping on the rug and falling on his face again. "Sandurz, what is it this time!?" Helmet muttered hauling his adjutant back up, "And if it's bad news, don't try telling it me in a good way this time!"
"Right. Uh, sir, we've got company out there," Sandurz pointed out the shattered window at the sky, where Good Guy and Bad Guy vehicles were swooping around firing at each other.
"Them? Sandurz, we can handle several buses of nursing home rejects," Helmet snarled, noticing the writing on the buses' sides.
"Not them, sir. There's another fleet approaching. A very dangerous one. Listen..." Sandurz told him. Sure enough, a familiar tune could be heard wafting through the sky. "Oh no...!" Helmet yanked up his visor, looking pale, "It can't be...!"
"Yes, it is...!" King Roland pointed up to the sky. Numerous spacecraft shaped like Stars of David flew into sight, their anthem blaring out from loudspeakers for all who were within earshot: "We're Jews out in space; we're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race. We're Jews out in space; when trouble appears, we put it right back in its place. When Goyim attack us, we'll give them a smack; we'll slap them right back in the face. We're Jews out in space; we're zooming along, protecting the Hebrew race!"
"This isn't fair, Lone Starr!" Helmet whined, stamping his feet in disgust, "You can't just bring them into this...!"
"Yeah, I know, Helmet, but you should know about fighting unfair," Lone Starr gave him a smug grin of triumph. "Archrabbi Goldbloomliebersteinrosenwiczsky," he activated a radio and hailed the rabbi visible on the bridge of the fleet's flagship, "So glad you could make it."
"Mazel tav, Prince Lone Starr; sorry we're late, but it was just before sundown, and..." Archrabbi Goldbloomliebersteinrosenwiczsky tried to apologize.
"No need to apologize, Archrabbi. Show them what you and your boys have got," Lone Starr told him.
"You got it. OK boys, let's show these Bad Guy Goyim what we're made of!" Archrabbi Goldbloomliebersteinrosenwiczsky grabbed an intercom radio and commanded his fleet, "Fire the circumcisers!"
The Jewish fleet promptly fired off scores of spinning circular blades that sliced the ends off the numerous Spaceball artillery guns around the central building, rendering them useless. The ships then fired off giant spinning wooden dreidels that landed and spun around, knocking down Spaceball installations everywhere. Meanwhile, while everyone was watching this amazing Hasidic display of military power, Vespa crept forward towards the doomsday weapon, opened the main hatch, and yanked her father's crown out. The weapon sputtered, the vacuum starting to hiccup. "Get her, stop her!" Wenn ordered his knights, who rushed the princess.
"You don't touch a princess of Druidia!" Vespa defiantly grabbed a large candle holder from the aisle and smacked each of the Knights of Wenn in the face with it, followed by each of their balls, making them scream in agony. "Let's move, Daddy," she took the king by the hand and led him in a flash out the door. "That's my wife," Lone Starr grinned at the dumbfounded Helmet, "An actual strong positive woman. Excuse me, I've got a wife to fight with now."
He brushed past Helmet and raced after the princess. Roaring, Helmet started to give pursuit, but bumped into a sound asleep Prince Valium, sending them both tumbling to the floor. "Sergeant, shoot him if this wedding doesn't go off!" he ordered the nearest officer, gesturing at the prince. "The rest of you," he turned to the rest of the troops, "After them!"