"Yogurt, we're taking King Roland and his crown out to safety; try and get there for us," Lone Starr radioed his mentor as he and his bride raced with the king down the hallway.
"Gotcha, Lone Starr; I'm getting a ride now, and my friends and I'll be there," Yogurt told him, "See you in about five minutes..."
"Freeze, you mugs!" came the shout as a squad of gangster droids stepped into their path and aimed their guns at the heroes. "Oh no you don't, because I'm not in the mood!" Vespa reared back with the candle holder and swung, smashing off half the droids' heads with one blow. She then picked up the gun one of them dropped and fired straight into the others' balls, causing them to start "leaking" oil. Embarrassed, the droids ran to the wall for some privacy, conveniently lining up in a straight line and allowing the princess to finish the rest of them with a single blast through all their heads. "Very good, honey," Lone Starr commended her proudly, "Now you've got the hero business down pat."
"Thanks. I did good, didn't I, Daddy?" Vespa asked her father, who was watching with a shocked expression. "Uh...yeah, of course," Roland eventually nodded, "It's, uh, it's not what we'd expect from a traditional Druish princess, but I..."
"More metal heads!" Lone Starr activated his Schwartz blade and deflected shots from about five more gangster droids approaching from a side hall. One was hit by a deflected shot and exploded in a shower of sparks, but the others kept coming, one taking dead aim at the prince...
...until the duct above him gave way, and Barf crashed down on top of him, shattering him. "Hi boss," the mawg waved at Lone Starr, "Decided to take a shortcut; didn't want to miss the fun."
With an over-the-top roar, he grabbed the arm of a droid preparing to fire on him and yanked it clean off, then turned it around and punched the droid repeatedly in the face with it. "Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!" he mocked it, bending down the detached limb's fingers except for the index and middle ones and then eye poking the droid with it, sending it staggering backwards. Barf then slapped the other droids across the face with the limb and leaped backwards away from them. "It worked canonically..." he mused out loud, yanking a set of curved tubes conveniently on the wall nearby off and holding them in front of himself. Thus, as it was in the original movie, when the droids fired at him, the shots zipped around through the tubes back at them, blowing them away. Barf let out a howl of triumph. "We are the champions!" he crowed.
"Not yet, Barf; they're still on track to destroy Druidia," Vespa reminded him worriedly, "Let's get Daddy to safety and figure out a way to stop them. Come on!"
She led everyone in climbing up a ladder marked Emergency Exit at the end of the hall, throwing open the hatch at the top and climbing onto Hockeygol's surface. The battle was raging all around them, with Helmet's fleet, stuck in place with no gas in their tanks, falling one by one out of the sky in flames as each of them was blasted by fire from Good Guy ships. "Ha ha, we've got us a turkey shoot here," Lone Starr declared in delight, applauding another Spaceball ship crashing and burning nearby, "Helmet wasted his time trusting his dad with those."
There came a car horn behind them. "All aboard that's coming aboard," Yogurt leaned his head out of the Eagle 5-A's passenger window, "Since you left this just floating around in orbit, figured might as well use it."
"Sounds good, Yogurt. On board, your Majesty," Lone Starr opened the door for King Roland, who bustled into the back of the Winnebago. "Dot, you too," he told his bride's droid of honor.
"OK, OK," Dot shrugged in resignation, "But once this is over, I'm getting a new agent; I think I got too small a role in this story...!"
Laser blasts rang out behind them. Regular Spaceball troops were attempting to climb up the ladder after them. "You can be a big help now, Dot. Get me my matched luggage trunk labeled A-6," Vespa told the droid, who obligingly searched through the matched luggage on the Winnebago floor, finally pulling out the one in question. Vespa threw it open to reveal her Industrial Strength Hair Dryer, quickly plugged it into a nearby external outlet, aimed it down the hole and turned it on full blast, the air blowing the Spaceballs back down the ladder and up the hall like newspapers in a hurricane. Vespa leaned the hair dryer against the opening so it continued to pour a massive breeze at anyone that might try to approach. "Like I said, I can't live without it," she said to everyone else with a satisfied smile.
At this moment though, there was a clanking sound as a hidden door slid open behind them. "No, you won't get away!" a crazed-looking Ron shouted at them, pointing a large laser gun at the heroes, "My Idioto Ray will finish all of you for good! Also-Ron, full power!" he ordered the midget, at the control panel next to him.
"Full power, boss," Also-Ron needlessly repeated, throwing several levers all the way up. Laughing, Ron fired a bluish laser at Lone Starr, who rolled dramatically out of its way in time. "This just keeps getting better and better!" he grumbled out loud, dodging another blast.
"I know how to stop him, be right back. Hyperactive speed, Winky!" he told the Dink driving the Winnebago. The Dink activated the hyper jets and rocketed rapidly towards Hockeygol's now rapidly diminishing sun. Ron, in the meantime, kept firing at Lone Starr, who desperately dove in every direction trying to avoid the laser. "It will do you no good, Lone Starr!" he raged at the hero, paying no attention to the rocks Vespa and Barf were throwing at him that bounced off his face, "From Hell's heart, I blast at thee! For hate's sake, I spit this laser's fire in your eye! And I have you now!"
Lone Starr, seeing he was now right in the gun's crosshairs, quickly reached out with his Schwartz ring at an anchovy man firing on a group of Good Guys nearby. The anchovy man was pulled backwards in front of him by the power of the Schwartz, and thus took the blast from the Idioto Ray instead. "I'm only twee and a haff years owd!" the now much stupider anchovy man droned, flicking his finger off his lips like an infant. Lone Starr flung him up at Ron on the platform, but missed. "No dice, my friend," Ron snickered, putting the hero back in the crosshairs, "But unlike pizza, my revenge fantasy against you shall be ice cold...!"
"Oh yoohoo, Ronnie," came Yogurt's voice from above them. Ron looked up to see the now returned Eagle 5-A hovering overhead, a large humpback whale in its tractor beam. "Went back in time to get this for you," Yogurt called down, "It only seemed right, after all. Let him have it, Blinky!" he called to the Dink next to him in the front passenger seat.
"Dink dink dink dink dink!" the Dink pulled a lever, releasing the whale to fall downward. "Oh no...!" Ron muttered in grim resignation before the whale landed hard on top of him. "Don't worry, boss; I'm still standing," Also-Ron told his boss, who let out an aggravated groan from underneath the whale.
"Dink dink dink dink!" the Dink in the front passenger seat pulled a second lever, which dropped a baby humpback whale down, crushing Also-Ron as thoroughly as his boss. "Thanks, Yogurt," Lone Starr commended him, "Now we've got to stop that death weapon," he pointed at the long river of red light streaming down into the ever-expanding bag of Mega Maid's vacuum, "They'll be at full strength soon, and they'll fire on Druidia when they are."
"Head across that way; it's a shortcut back to the main control room," Yogurt pointed that way, "I'll give you cover. "Hey guys, I need some cover down here," he called into the Eagle 5-A's radio, "Give me some canister shot for it!"
"One round of canister shot come right up, Yogurt," came the affirmative response from the other end. A barrage of large canisters of peas, carrot, soup, corn, and other delicacies started raining down from the skies, bonking the Spaceballs in the trenches below hard on the head and knocking them out cold. That's our cue, let's go for it," Lone Starr told Vespa and Barf, leading them in a charge across the now emptied trenches. The Eagle 5-A took off to continue support operations-not noticing a crazed Ron and Also -Ron sliding out from underneath the whales. "That is the last straw, Lone Starr!" the former tyrant raged, grabbed for the Idioto Ray, "This time I'm going to...!"
"You hear that sound, boss?" Also-Ron held up his hand. Ron looked up-and saw the two missiles he'd had fired at Barf on Spaceball City improbably nose-diving right at him. "Oh drat...!" was the best he could say before the missile impacted on top of he and Also-Ron, blowing them both up.
"What's the diagnosis, Snotty!?" Skroob impatiently asked his chief technician, who was examining the doomsday weapon's workings.
"I'm sorry, sir, but without the royal crown, we don't got enough juice for a full power blast against Druidia," Snotty shook his head, "I've given her the most thorough lookover I can, and that's the only answer."
"Well, now what!?" the president threw his arms up in disgust.
"Well, I guess then sir, we'll have to use one of these," Sandurz dramatically pulled a set of large gems out of his pocket, all of them with the words SPACEBALLS THE FAKE ROYAL JEWELS engraved on them. "Wow, that's a bizarre deux ex machina...but I'll take it!" Skroob eagerly grabbed one of the jewels and jammed it into the machinery. "Tell them to crank up full power on the Knickknack Paddywhack," he commanded Sandurz.
"Crank up full power on the Knickknack Paddywhack," Sandurz repeated into his radio. He turned to the right, where Mary Sue's agonized screams could be heard even from a distance. "At full power, though, that might kill her..."
"Better her then us, Sandurz," Skroob reminded him, rubbing his fingers in delight at the sound of the machinery cranking up into high gear, "We are now at full maximum vacuuming capacity. Four minutes until we're ready to fire on Druidia-so Sandurz, open that air shield!" he ordered the colonel.
"Opening the air shield," Sandurz ran to another control panel, one connected to a large satellite dish outside labeled INDIRECTV, and typed in 6-7-8-9-10. "Druidia's air shield opening, sir," he declared, seeing an image of it sliding open on the controls' monitor, "We should have a crystal-clear shot at the planet one we're ready to fire."
"Is it just me, or is it really starting to get dark now?" Barf huffed, noticing Hockeygol's sun getting dimmer by the minute above them.
"It's not just you, we're probably just about out of time!" Vespa lamented, shooting a worried glance at the dim prick of light in the sky, "How much further!?" she asked her husband, running with his eyes closed.
"I can sense her...down there," Lone Starr pointed through a shattered window in the central building to their right. The three of them rushed towards and slid through the opening to the floor...
...straight into a circle of pizza men with their guns drawn at them. "Hello again, Lone Starr," Pizza greeted them smugly, walking between his men to greet his former client, "You should have known that nothing would keep me from collecting my million spacebucks one way or the other. Which, given the long delay since last time, is now two million spacebucks. You wouldn't happen to have it on you right now, do you?"
"Uh, no, not on me, Pizza, but as a prince of Druidia, I can get it for you easy if you insist..."
"Not good enough. Fry him, boys," Pizza ordered his men, who cocked their guns...
...but stopped at the sound of a large thudding sound from the window, much like a ramp descending. "Sorry I'm late," came an authoritative voice, "But I couldn't miss this."
"I don't believe it," Barf's eyes lit up in delight, "He came for this...!"
"Oh no!" gasped a pepper man, stumbling backwards in shock, "It's...it's...!"
"BURGER THE KING!" gasped the other pizza men in unison.
"Hello, suckers," declared a large human-ish hamburger in a crown and robe, who jumped down to the floor. The pizza men screamed and ran. "Get back here you miserable cowards!" Pizza shouted after them, to no avail. "I hate you!" he snarled at Burger.
"How interesting, I hate you too, Pizza," Burger threw it back at him, "But nonetheless, I have a gift for you. You can call it a Sad Meal given what the end result will be for you."
"I don't want any of your damn Sad Meals, Burger!"
"Oh come, Pizza, you always like sending out for others, I'm just returning the favor for a nice Hutt like you. Bon appetite," Burger pulled out a large meal box and opened it up. Instantly, scores of munching wind-up hamburger toys swarmed out. Gulping, Pizza turned to run, but tripped and was soon set upon by the toys, which promptly started eating him alive-again. "OOOOOOOK, that, that was a bit intense," Lone Starr gulped.
"Well, it was either that or let you get it, and I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted that,' Burger rationalized to him, "Go on, go save the day, "I'll handle everything else down here."
He drew a large ketchup gun, stepped over the screeching Pizza, and strode up the hall, blasting random Bad Guys in his path with a face full of ketchup. "Hey you guys, down here," came Roe's call from the next room down. The three heroes ran off towards his voice, coming to a stop in front of a large metal door that the cabdriver, Meteor, and Dr. Shipps were standing in front of. "She's in there?" Barf asked worriedly, seeing lights flashing from under the door and hearing Mary Sue screaming inside.
"The weapon's draining all her Schwartz power out to intensify the blast; unless we can get inside and unhook her in time, she's a goner. Hold on, Mary Sue, we're still trying!" Dr. Shipps shouted fearfully to his daughter inside.
"Isn't there a way to unlock it?" Lone Starr asked, scanning for a code key slot of some kind.
"No, and it's too thick to blast down," Dr. Shipps informed him.
"Well, if you'd let me use my atomic level grenades...!" Meteor muttered in disgust.
"No! That's too strong; that would kill her too!" the doctor shouted at the mole.
"Roe, have you tried using your Schwartz to open it?" Lone Starr asked the cabbie.
"Yeah, but it's not strong enough to work," Roe shook his head. Lone Starr thought hard. "Well, maybe the two of us together can make it work," he theorized, "Both of us using the Schwartz at once might be able to do it..."
"All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's more than enough. Step away from the door," came the harsh command behind them. All eyes turned to see Wenn standing on a catwalk stretching over a bottomless pit behind them, his activated Schwartz pointed right at them. "I'll handle this, everyone," Lone Starr held up his hand when some of the others started drawing weapons. "Hello Grandpa, I guess it is," he walked towards Helmet's apprentice, not activating his own Schwartz, "Let me ask you, why are you doing this?"
"I'm a king, or was before your idiot father had me tossed, and Helmet, dope though he is, gave me his word I'd get a new kingdom once this mission succeeded," Wenn reminded him, "Like I told you in the pawn shop, nothing must come between me and my right to rule, not even you, sonny boy."
"Gramps, it's over, it's done. You had your reign, you messed it up. Stop holding on to the past," Lone Starr advised him, walking ever closer, "It's done, it's through."
"Why!? You're clearly holding on and not letting a new generation rise up..."
"Yeah, I was a bit wrong there, but I'm holding on because, well, I enjoyed being a hero, riding through the galaxy and actually helping people. Not like you, oppressing and everything. But if you are my grandfather, well, then, darn it, I want to help you. So come on," Lone Starr seized Wenn's helmet and pulled it off so he could look his grandfather right in the eye, "Come with me, and I'll set you up in a nice retirement room, and I'll make sure you're treated like the king you want to be. What do you say, Gramps?"
Wenn was silent for a moment. Then he broke into riotous laughter. "You know, that's what I love about you good guys," he chuckled, "You're all just so damn predictable..."
And with that, he thrust he Schwartz up right through Lone Starr's chest. "NOOOOOOOOO!" Vespa's horrified scream echoed throughout the massive chamber. Wenn laughed harder at this, seizing his grandson's shoulder and hurling him over the edge into the bottomless pit. "OK, you stupid, pathetic would-be heroes," he snarled at the rest of them, striding towards them, "Who's next?"
Bellowing in rage and anguish, Vespa rushed him and started swinging the long candle holder at him. Wenn, however, parried each blow, slicing off pieces of the long metal piping until the princess was left with just a small stump. He then retracted the blade and aimed his ring at her, causing her to rise up in the air and turn upside-down. "And now my dear, we're going to have a little fun before I kill you," he sneered, "Just consider it...what!?" he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around.
"Just kidding," an alive and well Lone Starr head butted his grandfather hard. Then he howled in pain and staggered backwards, clutching his head. "No one wins with a head butt!" he groaned, agonized.
"You pathetic little ingrate!" Wenn activated his Schwartz again and reared back for a mighty swing at his grandson. Lone Starr waited until the split second before he swung, then jumped aside. Wenn's momentum from the miss thus carried him forward and sent him toppling over the railing, where he fell screaming down into the abyss to his presumed demise. "Darling, you're alive!" Vespa embraced him, "I thought you were a goner!"
"I know it looked that way, but fortunately, I came prepared," Lone Starr unbuttoned his shirt and opened it to reveal he was wearing a Kevlar vest with the words SPACEBALLS THE SCHWARTZ-PROOF VEST in large letters on the front. "A good hero always comes prepared."
There came applause behind him. "Very impressive, Lone Starr," Helmet clapped, sounding grateful, "For once, you and I are on the same side here; I couldn't stand him, and I'm glad he's dead. So honestly, thank you; you did us both a favor."
"Uh, well, thanks, Helmet," Lone Starr mumbled in surprise, "You know, maybe we can turn over a new leaf here then..."
"That said, however, Lone Starr," Helmet's tone darkened, "You are still the good guy, and I am still the bad guy, and I will not let you ruin my evil scheme to destroy Druidia. So prepare to die once and for all!"
He activated his Schwartz blade. Lone Starr did the same with his, then flicked the switch labeled DEFY PHYSICS on the side. With loud shouts, he and Helmet leaped high in the air via Schwartz power, zoomed towards each other, and took mighty swings with their blades-although both of them missed, soared past each other, and slammed hard into the opposite walls. Moaning, they both slid down the walls to the floor very slowly. "That didn't work...!" the hero moaned, agonized.
There came a roar from Helmet, who used the power of the Down Side of the Schwartz to soar like a bird back across the catwalk towards his enemy. Lone Starr re-activated his blade and started dueling hard with the villain. Soon, however, all went dark around them as the sun practically burned out, and Lone Starr stumbled and fell over a table of some kind randomly stacked on the other side of the catwalk. Helmet, too, could be heard stumbling around and falling over items in the darkness. "This is getting us nowhere, Helmet," the hero tried to rationalize with him, "How about we settle this in a less stressful way?"
"Good idea; like this, you mean?" Helmet's voice rang out in the darkness. Lone Starr saw a green glow, and soon felt his throat contracting. He was lifted high in the air by Schwartz power, gasping for air. "So Lone Starr, now you see at the very end how much less stupid the Down Side is," Helmet leered at him. "Look upwards if you well," he gestured at the now pitch-black sky above them, "In less than one minute, the laser will fire and wipe Druidia off the map forever. And I'll make you watch the end of your adopted world like you are now, and then I'll destroy you. And there's not a single thing you can do to stop me!"
"Oh yeah!?" Lone Starr yanked up Helmet's visor and eye poked his foe hard over his glasses. Howling, Helmet dropped Lone Starr to the floor and staggered backwards, clutching his face. With a loud growl, he activated his Schwartz blade and swung hard. Lone Starr jumped aside, allowing Helmet to sever a major electrical cable on the with his blade. There was a blinding flash of light, followed by the zapping of electricity, which was punctuated by Helmet letting out an ear-splitting scream as he was violently electrocuted, his skeleton visible to Lone Starr as he vibrated wildly from the shock. He finally fell backwards to the floor, still shaking. Lone Starr summoned Schwartz power and flew himself back across the chasm to the rest of the heroes. "It's about to fire; we've got to stop the blast," he told the others. "Roe," he turned to the cabdriver, "Now's the time to find out how much you actually are one with the Schwartz. Help me yank it back when it's fired."
No sooner where the words out of his mouth then there came a tremendous bang. A massive shaft of red light arced straight up from Hockeygol's surface, heading straight for Druidia. Lone Starr raised his ring upwards and tried to stop the beam, as did Roe. Despite the two of them straining with all their might, however, the beam only slowed slightly, still continuing its death track to Druidia. "It's not working!" the cabbie shouted, yelping agony from the excessive Schwartz usage.
"Then we've got just one chance. Mary Sue!" Dr. Shipps shouted through the door, "If you've got any Schwartz powers left, now's the time to use them! Try and help us reverse the ray, please! I love you, sweetheart, I know you can do it!"
An earsplitting scream, louder than all those before, escaped the generating room. Lone Starr, though, could feel a massive Up Side Schwartz power combining with his own and Roe's. And this proved to be enough: the death beam came to a dead stop a mere hundred miles or so from Druidia, then made a U-turn and screamed back towards Hockeygol. "Take cover!" Lone Starr shouted a warning to the others, yelling in agony from the exertion he was putting out to save Druidia. With a colossal roar, the beam shattered the skylight and zoomed down the bottomless pit next to them, where far below, a tremendous explosion rang out. Moments later, the room started quaking wildly as alarm bells sounded and red light started flashing. "Thank you for destroying Hockeygol's core," buzzed the intercom, "This planet will self-destruct in exactly three minutes."
With a loud bang, the door to the generating room exploded open. "Mary Sue!" Dr. Shipps ran into the room, "Thank god, still alive!" he gasped in relief, although in the darkness, Lone Star could only make out the vague outline of Mary Sue's form. The doctor scooped it up and carried his daughter outside. "Like the lady said, the explosion destabilized the whole planet; we've got to get out of here fast!" he warned the others.
"Thank you for destroying Hockeygol's core," the intercom repeated, "This planet will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and thirty seconds."
"Well, what are we waiting for then?" Lone Starr struck a heroic pose, "Let's get out of here!"