A/N: Um. So. This chapter. Longer than the others, which is a plus. But also, mad darker? Because that plot that I've been promising (the BIG MOMENT that sparked the creation of this entire story) finally gets its big, diva-like reveal. Big shoutout to those of you who tagged it in advance (like...a disturbing amount of you...stop...stop reading my brain). This chapter is how I want Sakura to be as a character, how I've always interpreted her. The watchguard, the one who keeps the lighthouse through the storm of her teammates. The story does not end with her, though, and I promise that the humor you guys seem to be enjoying (your compliments and quoted lines are the BEST THING EVER) will always be the focus of this story. So, put up with my angst-coaster for one chapter, yeah?
Hugs and kisses to you all!
I do not own Naruto, and am making no money from this story.
Chapter Four
Reload
Sakura
She was not a horrible person. She wanted everyone aware of that.
She was practical. Always, infinitely practical. Naruto, bless his baby kitten soul, was a blunt instrument at the best of times. Kakashi was a master strategist, but couldn't muster any fucks to actually use his brilliance. And Sasuke might have had the genius brain, but she was the one who had enough actual patience and perseverance to use her smarts.
So, when Naruto bounced his way up to her desk on Monday morning, eyes bruised dark enough to make her stomach seize, Sakura forced her smile a little brighter, a little bit wider.
"Sit down before you fall over, idiot," she offered as a greeting. "You look like ten kinds of crap."
"My heart is whispering filthy, dirty things in your direction," Naruto assured her, and slumped into his seat.
"Nightmares again?" Sakura asked, and stuck her trembling hands beneath her desk.
She would ride this out.
"Weird ones," Naruto confirmed. "My hands went through my mom's back when I tried to hug her. Like a ghost."
"Did you tell her? What'd she say?"
"She smacked me upside the head. Told me, "We snuggled you plenty when you were a baby, knock it off with the goddamn tiny violin". Then she hugged me, and made sure I could feel it."
Sakura laughed.
"I really want to meet your mom," she said.
Naruto grinned at her, and dropped his chin down on the desk.
"Sasuke says you're not allowed," he reminded her. "I think he, like, fears the apocalypse or some shit."
"I have so many reasons," Sasuke said, as he dropped down into the seat on Sakura's other side. "So many reasons for wanting that not to happen, Idiot."
"Sakura, look! It's not even lunchtime, and Sasuke is using his words already!"
Sasuke squinted one annoyed eyeball in Naruto's general direction.
"It is far, far too early in the morning for your special brand of stupid," he decided, and buried his head inside his arms.
"Aww," Naruto said. "Sasuke used all of his words already. All done."
"Your fault," Sakura said with a smile. "You brought it up. You spooked him."
"Like a nervous little panda baby!" Naruto sang triumphantly, and Sasuke snarled from inside the cavern of his elbows.
The classroom door clicked open, and Kakashi meandered in, hands shoved deep inside his pockets.
"Sensei," Naruto said blankly. "We have fifteen minutes until class starts. And then ten minutes until you're supposed to show up. Why…I can't…," he turned to Sakura. "I feel like I'm looking at a unicorn."
Even Sasuke was peeking over his arms, brow furrowed at the sight of their timely teacher.
"You're early, Sensei," Sakura said.
"Didn't want to sleep anymore," Kakashi-sensei said, and underneath his eye-smile, the dark shadows dragged all the way underneath his mask.
Underneath the desk, Sakura's hands tightened into fists.
She would ride this out.
Naruto blinked, and said, "Man, nightmares must be contagious or some shit."
But Sasuke eased up straight in his chair, and fixed too-smart eyes on their teacher.
"Nightmares," he said, voice flat.
Kakashi-sensei's eye smile curved even brighter.
"Strangest thing," he said, and there was a laugh in his voice, but wow, it wasn't funny at all.
Sasuke's eyes narrowed.
"Must be a boy thing," Sakura said, light and easy. "I've slept great."
Naruto snorted, Sasuke stared with those narrowed eyes, and Kakashi-sensei shook his head, like maybe he was disappointed.
This time, it was Sakura who had zero fucks to give.
She would ride this out.
…
"I know what you're doing," Sasuke said later, as they sat around the lunch table. Naruto was still in line, arguing with the lunch lady about the proper ways to cook ramen.
She thought a pork and soy base was preferable. Naruto insisted (loudly, always loudly) that miso was so much better. Naruto was now attempting to show her the wrongness of her ways with every fiber of his being.
Sakura tapped her fingers against the lunch tray.
"Do you?" she asked. "I mean, are you sure, Sasuke?"
"I'm sure," Sasuke said, and absolutely did not smile as Naruto pumped a fist in the air and howled his outrage to the world. "He's going to change her mind."
"Are you going to tell him?" Sakura asked, watching with soft eyes as the lunch lady shoved her nose against Naruto's and snarled.
"I don't know," Sasuke said. "I mean, he's never going to see it on his own. He never could."
"No," Sakura agreed, and smiled gently. The lunch lady was laughing now, and tapping her finger against Naruto's nose while Naruto grinned bright and wide. "He's good at other things."
"I understand," Sasuke said. "But Sakura, these nightmares. Are you really not having them?"
"I have them. I'm better at ignoring them, I think."
Sasuke sighed.
"We're totally having miso the next time they serve ramen," Naruto announced as he dropped into his seat. "That lunch lady loves me forever and ever."
"She tried to hit you with her ladle," Sakura pointed out. "We witnessed this."
"Meh," Naruto said and attacked his food.
Sasuke watched with mild revulsion as bits of food decorated the table around Naruto's tray.
"You're disgusting," Sasuke observed.
Naruto grinned around cheeks bulging with food.
"Are you going to hit me with a ladle too?" he asked, spraying even more food on the table as he spoke.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. Sakura laughed and started in on her own food.
….
Naruto invited Sakura over to study for Kakashi-sensei's English test ("Sakura, he winked at me when he gave the study guide. Winked. There is something horrible and awful on this test."). Sakura agreed, mostly because after everyone telling her that she couldn't meet Mama Uzumaki, she really kind of had to.
Sasuke overheard Naruto's plans, folded his arms to express his displeasure, and had a completely silent panic attack until Naruto laughed and invited him along as well. Kakashi caught them just before the final bell, gave Naruto a happy-eyed smile, and requested that he 'give my love to your mother, Naruto'.
They left school that day to the accompanying soundtrack of Naruto shrieking, "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO OUT-PERVERT MY MOM, SENSEI."
"I'm sure Kakashi-sensei was just kidding, Naruto," Sakura said as they walked down the sun-soaked streets.
"He wasn't," Naruto said. "But seriously, he should stop trying. Mom always wins."
Sasuke didn't say much on the walk over, but he started to look more and more like someone marching towards a firing squad rather than strolling through suburbia.
"She can't be that bad," Sakura muttered as Naruto turned onto a neatly clipped lawn.
Bright yellow house. Small and cheerful-looking. Where was the bad here?
"You don't even know," Sasuke said back, and his voice sounded heavy and haunted.
"Home!" Naruto shouted, as they stepped through the door. "Hey, Womb of Awesome! Brought some people for you!"
"You did not," Sakura said flatly. "You did not just reference your mother's womb, I can't even Naruto, what the hell?"
"Her womb is totally awesome, though," Naruto said reassuringly. "I mean, it carted me around, right?"
"I hate you," Sasuke said earnestly. "So much."
There was the patter of soft feet on the floor, and then a pretty redheaded woman was stepping through the doorway. Sakura had half a second to think, Huh, she's pretty, what the hell was Sasuke going on about before Naruto's mom caught sight of the boy in question and pretty much KO'd every ear bud in the vicinity by howling, "Baby Panda! LET ME LOVE YOU!"
She lunged past Sakura and her own son in order to scoop Sasuke into a straight-backed hug. Sasuke made a noise that suggested he might have been experiencing severe internal suffering, Naruto leaned against the wall and laughed himself sick, and Sakura blinked at the speed with which things had occurred.
"Aww," Kushina said as she released a red-faced Sasuke. "Your manpain is just as adorable as I remember."
Sasuke shut his eyes like maybe he could wish himself somewhere else.
"Mom, this is Sakura," Naruto said, once he'd managed to transform his hysterical laughter into semi-hysterical snickers of, 'Ha, oh my God, his face' and 'best, best day of my life, just, best ever'.
"Future mother of my grand-babies," Kushina recognized with a nod, abandoning a scandalized Sasuke to clutch at Sakura's hands instead.
"Yet to be determined," Sakura said back, charmed and entertained and not even trying to hide it. "Way, way yet to be determined."
Kushina nodded.
"I understand," she said solemnly. "There has not been nearly enough pining up in this bitch for him to have won you yet."
"Did you just call me a bitch?" Naruto demanded over her shoulder. "I mean, normal, that's normal, but I just want to be sure."
"Here to study?" Kushina asked Sakura. Sakura nodded. "Okay." She touched Naruto's cheek. "Go. Learn. Let them pump up your brain. But no threesome sex, that shit is noisy, and I could get a migraine."
"Wow, Mom," Naruto said, while Sakura choked on her own laugh and Sasuke froze like a hunted animal.
"Kakashi-sensei sends his love," Sakura said, pausing on their way up the stairs, because why the hell not.
"OH MY GOD, SAKURA," Naruto's voice bellowed from the landing.
Sasuke didn't laugh, not loud enough to hear anyway, but Sakura could feel his smug satisfaction from all the way upstairs.
Kushina nodded, her smile small and normal.
"You'll do," she said. "Yeah, you will. Make him work his little blonde booty for it."
"STOP PLOTTING. I REGRET EVER SAYING YOUR WOMB WAS AWESOME."
…..
Sakura nodded off over their English textbooks. She hadn't meant to, but she really hadn't been sleeping well, and Naruto had been busy trying to cop a Sasuke snuggle.
("If you touch me again, I will bruise your kidneys."
"But Sasuke! Bro Code says it's perfectly acceptable for us to snuggle!")
In her dreams, Sakura didn't leave Naruto's house. Instead, she wandered her way downstairs, and into the kitchen, where Kushina was busy at the stove.
Sakura could see right through her. The stove, the clock, and Naruto sticking his tongue out in the family picture on the wall. All as clear as a bell, because Kushina was no more tangible than a ghost.
"This is going to be so much worse for him," Sakura whispered. "God. Really, really bad."
"Sakura?" Kushina said. "Oh, did the boys send you for snacks? Because he's my son, but I'll totally help you feed him your fist instead."
Kushina spun to face her.
Her face was gone. Missing. A blank slate of smooth, featureless skin.
Sakura didn't scream. But something, some sound, left her throat and she reeled back hard enough to hit the wall.
"Something wrong?" Kushina asked, and the sound was coming from her, but there was no mouth to make it.
Sakura felt the sharp sting of vomit claw the back of her throat.
"Sakura? Sweetheart? You're so pale. What's wrong?"
Sakura squeezed her eyes shut tight.
When she opened them again, she was staring at Naruto's worried face.
Oh. Guess she had screamed after all.
"Sakura?" Naruto said, and his voice was stretched and strained with fear. "Sakura, Sakura, please be okay."
On the bed, Sasuke watched with eyes gone wide and solemn.
"Do you need a pillow?" Naruto babbled on. "A bucket? A hug?"
"Wow, yeah, okay," said a new voice, and then Naruto was being shoved to the side. "I blame all of that on your father, seriously child. Sakura?" Kushina asked, eyes warm and concerned. "Are you all right? Want me to smack him? It might make you feel better."
In the background, Naruto squawked.
Sakura smiled, smiled so wide, like she couldn't still see through Kushina's skin.
"Fine," Sakura said, and stared at the wall behind Kushina's forehead. "Thanks. Just fine."
….
Sakura was waiting by the classroom window, early the next morning, before the boys arrived. She watched the sun creep silver over the horizon, and smiled to herself when she heard the classroom door creak open.
"This is a thing," she said into the softened air. "That you do, isn't it? You get here early, and then leave again. So you can be late on purpose."
"Actually, the man in my dreams told me to rise early today. So, nothing to do with what you said at all."
Sakura laughed.
"I call bullshit, Sensei."
Kakashi loped over, to lean against the wall at her side.
"You look terrible," Sakura said. "Really awful, Sensei."
Kakashi scrubbed a hand over the exposed bits of his skin, which showed pale cheeks and eyes bruised almost black.
"The sound of falling rocks," he said, with a small smile. "Apparently, not so conducive to my sleep patterns."
Sakura leaned her forehead against the slowly warming window panes.
"Your friend?" she asked. "Hiro-Sensei?"
"He reminds me of someone."
There was a long silence. Kakashi stayed quiet and at her side as cars began to roll across the parking lot, dropping the early bird students by the front doors.
They both watched as Sasuke's pretty, smiling mother stopped at the curb. As a small, sweet-looking girl fought her way through the car doors and launched herself into Sasuke's arms.
The little girl cupped his face, smile wide and bright. Sasuke gave her a well-practiced bounce. And then she tapped tiny fingers over his forehead, and Sasuke froze like she'd slapped him instead.
Sakura closed her eyes.
"When?" Kakashi asked.
"Today, I think. Depending on how Naruto looks when he comes in."
"All right. So, which are you hoping for, Sakura?"
"Sensei?"
Kakashi eye-smiled in her direction. Sakura was really starting to hate that smile.
"I mean, do you want him to look bad? Or are we still stretching out the finish line."
The door opened again, and Sasuke eased his way inside. He looked pale, exhausted, and a little like someone had taken a knife to his insides.
Sakura crinkled up her nose, and offered Kakashi a fake-smile of her own.
"Don't know what you mean, Sensei," she sang, and hopped off of the window ledge to greet Sasuke.
…
"You," Naruto bellowed, as he drop-kicked the door in. "You are hiding something from me!"
Bland faces were truly heroic when represented in triplicate unison.
Naruto gave exactly zero shits, and whipped an accusatory finger in his friends' direction.
"You have been hanging out without me!" he said. "Violating the Bonding Bro Code. Not cool, you guys."
"Aw," Kakashi said, like he found Naruto adorable, but also pretty tragically stupid.
"Of course you would think that," Sakura said sweetly. "Of course you would."
Sasuke looked too confused for a snarky comment.
"Sakura isn't a Bro," he pointed out.
"Sakura is totally a Bro, Sasuke, where the hell have you been?" Naruto demanded.
Sasuke flipped a wary look in Sakura's direction. She smiled at him, with all of her teeth.
"But back to the point," Naruto said. "Which is that you all suck forever, and need to include me in your secret club meetings. Before I, like, burst into manly tears and compose sonnets to the lost wonder of our beautiful Bro Bonds."
"Is that a thing?" Sasuke wondered aloud. "I mean, is that what we've been building?"
Kakashi didn't say anything, but he tapped the fist Naruto held out to him with solemn solidarity.
"Wow," Sakura said, with great affection.
"Listen, I know you guys are keeping something from me," Naruto said, still grinning through his suspicion. Because he trusted them that much. "Secret meetings, and your smiles are full of shit, come on guys, I may be dumb sometimes but I'm not stupid."
Kakashi said, "Hmmm," and got out his book, which Sakura took to mean he was actively not participating in this conversation. And Sasuke was staring at the floor, fists clenched, so Sakura figured it was all on her.
Again.
"How'd you sleep last night, Naruto?" she asked, nice and sweet.
He tilted his head at her.
"Like shit," he said. "Nightmares, again. But Sakura, what…"
"You're right, you know," she interrupted. "You're not stupid. I mean, you fail at recognizing them, still, and that is actually a little sad, Naruto, but you're not stupid."
Naruto's smile dimmed, disappeared. Watching it vanish felt like razor blades sliding across skin.
"Something's wrong," he said. "Something…something isn't right."
"None of it is right," Sasuke corrected softly. "You've always been the best at this, Sakura. At recognizing them, anyway. When did you know?"
"The first day. When I cracked yours and Naruto's skulls together after the fight." Sakura smiled, soft and warm. "Guess it triggered the familiar."
Kakashi made a soft sound, and Sakura knew he was remembering how she'd frozen. After smacking their heads together, how she'd paused. Evaluated. Readjusted.
"I don't get it," Naruto said, but he sounded shaky now. Unsure of his footing.
"Something," Sasuke said. "I…can't remember what it's called, that's part of it, I think. But something created this. All of this."
"It's not…"
"Real," Kakashi provided helpfully, never looking away from his book. "Not real." He paused. Considered. "Sorry."
"I…" Naruto blinked, a lot. "You're telling me my house, my parents, not real? Wow, fuck you guys, not funny at all."
"It's really not," Kakashi agreed equably, and turned the page.
"The nightmares," Sasuke said. "Things started clicking together once I started having them. It's all a little fuzzy still, but I take that my life is…not so pretty? Not so nice? In the other place, that is."
He was looking at her. So Sakura nodded.
"I don't…" Naruto shook his head. He looked lost, halfway destroyed. Torn between his desire for this to be real and his instinct to trust his friends. "My parents? If they're not real in my nightmares, does that mean…" Sakura watched him, green eyes calm but not unkind. Naruto laughed, a jagged sound that hurt the ears, and slapped his forehead with an open palm. "So, who do I have? In this other place."
"You have me," Sakura said. "You have me, and you have Kakashi-sensei. And you're important. Naruto, you're so important. People need you."
"You, and Kakashi-Sensei. But not…"Naruto said, furrowed his brow in Sasuke's direction.
"Not so pretty," Sasuke repeated softly. "Not so nice."
Sakura closed her eyes, because she could hear the waterfalls in his head, the waterfalls and the words and his hand through Naruto's chest.
"There were signs," Kakashi added. "You might not have noticed them, Naruto, but they were there. The nightmares, obviously, but other things. You beating Sasuke's face in every time he tried to leave, for example."
"Shit," Naruto said, and fisted his hands into his hair.
Into the silence that followed, a cell phone rang. The song was loud, and obnoxiously bright.
"It's my mom," Naruto said softly.
"Don't," Sasuke said, as Naruto's fingers ghosted at the pockets of his pants.
Naruto's eyes were wide, so wide and blue and haunted. He shook his head, once, and then pulled the cell phone from his pocket.
"Mom," he said, and spun around to face the wall.
Sakura couldn't hear the other side of the conversation, but Naruto's hoarse, heavy laughter was loud in the quiet room.
"Yes, Mom, I made it to school. What? What the hell, I do not wander…Oh, my God that was one time and there were factors, ramen-shaped factors, not my fault at all."
Naruto laughed again, and then froze. His shoulders went sharp and tight, and he sucked in a short breath.
"…What? No, yeah Mom, I'm fine. I have to go, if the teacher's see me on my phone, they'll take it, and I don't want you texting inappropriate things to the secretary again. No, I don't care how much she secretly adores you, she couldn't look me in the eyes for weeks, Mom. Ha. Yeah, I guess. Okay, I'll see you later." Naruto paused, then hung his head. "Hey…Mom? I love you. You and all your crazy, you know that right? No, I'm fine, I'm fine. Just…tell dad the same, yeah? Okay. Bye."
Naruto hung up the phone. Rested his forehead against the wall.
"Her voice kept cutting out," he said softly. "Echoing, kind of. Like it was coming from a long ways away."
Sasuke closed his eyes.
"I'm not sorry," Sakura said, because really, it was time she laid her cards on the table. "For not telling you sooner. I know this…is horrible, Naruto, and it's going to hurt you the worst. But I'm not sorry. I knew this wasn't real. But. I wanted this for us."
"You wanted…"Sasuke repeated incredulously.
"Not this," Sakura countered, and turned calm eyes on the face of his growing anger. "Not the nightmares, or the pain. But…Sasuke is here. And Kakashi-sensei, your friend, and your smiles aren't so broken. And Naruto, you're loved, you're so loved, and nobody here ever rejected you because of who you are."
Naruto spun around. His eyes were wide, so wide, like he didn't recognize her, like she was the ghost.
"I didn't tell you," she said. "Because we were happy. Because I thought it might last. And I didn't care what I was seeing, because Sasuke was smiling, and Naruto's mom kicked ass, and you weren't looking at us like replacements for something else, Sensei."
"You knew, though. You saw from the beginning. That it wasn't real."
"That's okay," Sakura said, and smiled at Kakashi. "Really, it was, Sensei, because I'm always on the outside aren't I, just a little bit?"
"Sakura."
"It's fine. Sasuke, it's fine. I know where I fit, and I'm still a part of this, I still belong, but never as much as the rest of you." She shrugged. "I mean, there's a reason why I have the least to lose when we go back."
Kakashi laughed. Like he was proud, and wasn't that strange?
"A lot of special eyes where we come from," he said. "But you're the one that sees things, I guess."
"Naruto's a hero," Sakura agreed. "And Sasuke, he has a mission. And Sensei, you don't actually give a fuck, you just want to be where your important people are. But I'm normal. I haven't lost a lot yet. And I didn't tell you at first because I thought you might run away from something potentially good."
"Practical, Sakura," Kakashi said.
She smiled.
Always. Infinitely.
"It's the power of her uterus," Naruto said, softly, and he was starting to adjust, because he really was a hero, but he was still holding his phone like a lifeline. "That's what my mom would say."
"Representing the feminine up in this bitch," Sakura agreed, and reached out to squeeze his hands, to take away his cell phone with gentle fingers.
"I won't…Sakura, will we remember?" Sasuke asked. "What happened here?"
"I don't know."
"I should know this," Sasuke said, and shook his head slowly. "I know I should. But it's unclear, still, for me. Sakura, will I remember? My parents, and my sister, and not being so angry?"
"I think so," Sakura said. "But Sasuke, I don't think it's going to matter. Not for you. Not once you remember everything."
"Probably," Sasuke said softly. "But still I…I think I want to remember."
Naruto stared at Sasuke like he was losing more than just his parents. Bright and blue and burning.
"You can say that here," he said, almost helplessly.
There was a soft knock on the door, a knock and a student asking, "Um, Kakashi-sensei? Are you, like, creeping in there or something? Because I can wait in the cafeteria."
"We should move this along," Kakashi suggested, with a happy-eyed smile at the classroom door.
Sakura nodded.
Because she was practical, and it didn't make sense to drag this out anymore.
Naruto furrowed his brow, and then marched over to stand at Sasuke's side. He grabbed on to Sasuke's arm, ignoring Sasuke's eye roll and Sakura's smile because of course, of course he would try.
Sakura took a moment to survey the room, to smile at the leftover treats and scattered game pieces from detention. And then she locked her hands together.
"Kai."
As the world fell away, creeping black and silence, Sakura could have sworn she felt Naruto's cell phone, buzzing away in her palm, playing his mother's song.
…...
She woke up on the ground. Sore and stiff like she'd taken a beating, with a splitting headache, and a stomach rolling like ocean waves.
She could feel the dirt beneath her arms, heavy and damp. It smelled like Fire Country. Like the familiar. Her knuckles were covered by black leather, and she could feel the sweat building behind her forehead protector.
Home.
She stayed absolutely still, focused on the pain splitting up and down her sides, and the memories crowding her head, the old (Fire Country, bruised and bloody knuckles, fighting soft and subtle) and the new (high schools, harmless skirts, sweet cotton candy smiles) bleeding together, trying to find a way to fit.
In the corner, she could hear Kakashi-sensei, vomiting quietly against the stone floor.
But then she saw. Sasuke, on his feet, even though Sakura could see the headache, the confusion and the hurting on his face. Of course he was up, for him the physical had always paled in the face of his flight instinct.
And there was Naruto. Trying to struggle to his feet, scrabbling at the stones with fingers already gone bloody. Trying to stand, and failing, but still. Trying.
And that, that made sense too.
"Sasuke," Naruto croaked, horrible and helpless and desperate. "Sasuke, please, don't…"
But Sasuke just shook his head. Once, twice, eyes wide and dark in his pale and sweat-soaked face. And then he was gone, vanishing out the entrance of whatever land formation they were tucked inside (cave, maybe?)
Sakura closed her eyes against Naruto's tear-thickened cussing, against the sound of Kakashi's miserable heaving against the stones. She closed her eyes, and tipped her head back, because she was unsurprised.
Unsurprised, and always, infinitely practical.
...
A/N: Next Chapter, back to Naruto's POV: How to the Play the Hero and Still Rage-Quit Existence. Stay tuned, and Happy Reading!