A/N: Soulmate AU is one of those things that I never thought I'd write, but here we are. It was originally intended to be a short, sweet, fluffy story but then it got a life of its own and this happened. I have no beta, so I apologize for any mistakes. And, other than that - enjoy.
John Sheppard had never particularly liked his soulmark and had always belonged to the group that was skeptical about the whole thing. For him, it had always been nothing more than a big problem.
At first, it simply wasn't there at all. All of his peers made fun of him because of that, as they all had their marks by the time they were three, while his was still nowhere to be found even when he turned six, and everybody knew that only the worst kind of people – especially the most cruel criminals – didn't have one. No matter how many times his mother told him to be patient, reminding him that it would appear on the day his soulmate was born, it didn't make his six-year-old self feel any better about it.
When it finally appeared, he felt incredibly disappointed. Everyone knew that soulmarks usually consisted of a few elements, one for each person connected by the bond, that were believed to be hints and were supposed to make it easier to identify one's soulmate. His, on the other hand, was just a single snowflake and all he could guess was that he would probably meet his soulmate in a place, where there was snow.
Still, he had never paid it any particular attention. He knew that having a mark didn't necessarily mean he would meet his soulmate or realize who they were, and he couldn't see any reason why he shouldn't think of it as anything more than an unusually shaped mole. That some people were ready to make stupid and pointless decisions in the name of finding their soulmate was completely beyond him and he had made the decision not to let a stupid mark dictate his entire life even before he finished high school.
He managed to live the next twenty years of his life almost as if the mark didn't exist at all. He never tried to hide that he didn't care about it, and others seemed willing to respect that. The only times when it was brought up was when he decided to join the Air Force and was asked to remove his wristband, so that they could take a picture of it (it was, apparently, a great way of identifying somebody so, even though it was already in everyone's medical files, the military insisted it should be a part of everyone's military file as well, so that it was easily accessible) and when he and Nancy were getting a divorce, and she stunned him by saying that she met someone, who had the same mark as she did. Even though he knew that theirs weren't a match, he had been under the impression that she didn't care about it any more than he did and was surprised to find out that he was mistaken.
And then, he came to Atlantis, and everything changed.
He still remembered how shocked he was when he found himself staring at an identical snowflake as the one on his wrist, displayed on one of the screens. Only it clearly wasn't a snowflake at all, or a weird flower as he had once heard someone suggest. It was, unmistakably, the shape of Atlantis and he wasn't sure he really wanted to think about what that meant. As it turned out, he didn't even have to. It was barely a few months later that he noticed an identical shape on the wrist of the last person he expected to have it.
Elizabeth was so shaken up after the attack of the Genii that she didn't even notice that her wristband had slipped off until she saw him looking at it.
"Don't worry, I didn't see it" he assured her when she readjusted it quickly, but it was actually a lie.
He honestly didn't mean to look and simply intended to point out that she might want to cover it, when his mind registered what he was seeing and he found himself unable to say a word. By the time the initial shock passed, she had already managed to hide it and afterwards, he just wasn't sure. A part of him was certain that he must have made a mistake, he only saw it for a short time after all. It could simply have been something similar and his mind jumped to conclusions.
There was no way Elizabeth Weir could possibly be his soulmate.
His mind didn't want to let it go, though, not unless he knew it for certain. Especially that the more time passed and the better he got to know her, the more he could actually see a possibility that maybe, it wasn't as preposterous as he initially thought. The two of them could be polar opposites and disagreed about more things than they agreed about at first, but they undoubtedly were making progress and he didn't even know when or how it happened, but he realized that she had actually become one of his best friends in the city. He needed to find a way to verify it, one that would leave her completely unaware of anything, and the opportunity presented itself much sooner than he expected.
When Rodney turned his attention towards the date with a comment about the weather in Canada that John only half listened to, it dawned on him that he actually had a way of checking it, even if not a perfectly infallible one. He had never thought of it that way, but the fact that he remembered when his soulmark appeared gave him a certain advantage of knowing the exact date when his soulmate was born.
As it turned out, finding out Elizabeth's birthday was more difficult than he expected. He tried asking Rodney but he was quickly reminded that he should have known it was completely pointless. He thought about asking Carson, but decided against it when he thought of how unusual it would be and that it could raise questions that he didn't feel like answering. He quickly realized, however, that this particular day was only a few days away and it presented him with a chance to get the answer he was looking for directly from Elizabeth.
When he showed up on the balcony with the Athosian pot in his backpack, he wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. The thought of hearing her say that he had the wrong day was embarrassing but at the same time, the idea that he might have the right one was absolutely terrifying. It took her all of a few seconds to unwrap it but for him, as he stood there and waited, it seemed to last an eternity. The moment she finally spoke up, he thought for a second that she would say, in that always polite, diplomatic way of hers, that as much as she appreciated it, it wasn't actually her birthday. Instead, she asked him how he had found out and he felt almost as if she had knocked the wind out of him.
He had no idea what to tell her and he did what his instinct told him to do. He made an evading comment and escaped, as quickly as it was possible, before she had a chance to inquire more. His thoughts were in complete disarray and he wasn't ready to face it just yet, and he most definitely didn't want to bring the possibility up to her. The last thing he expected was that in his effort to keep his thoughts away from it, he would end up stumbling into another version of Elizabeth, who would resolve all of his doubts.
He wasn't entirely sure what he was thinking, but dropping by the infirmary when she was asleep, turning off the camera and taking a peek at her mark really seemed like a good idea at the time. He was desperate for answers, especially after his earlier conversation with the Elizabeth of his timeline, and it seemed like the only way he could finally get complete certainty. Or it would have been if her mark was still where it was supposed to be, but when he carefully took her hand in his and turned it, so that he could take a glance, he didn't find anything.
"It disappeared that day…" he heard a strained voice and jumped slightly, when he looked up to find the woman's eyes open, watching him, and let go of her hand, realizing that he got caught red-handed. "I'm not sure exactly when, but it was gone when I woke up."
All he could do was nod as he wished the ground could part and swallow him whole. What was he doing, what was he thinking? He had, long ago, promised himself he would not act like an idiot because of the mark and it was exactly what he was doing now. Especially that he really should have realized it would be gone; not only did she mention that every single person in her expedition died, but she didn't try to cover it and he wasn't sure Carson or Elizabeth would be alright with it.
"I'm sorry" he finally said, feeling a little unnerved by the way she was watching him, almost as if she knew exactly what was going through his mind. "I know I shouldn't have, I just…" he halted, unable to find the right words and she just smiled.
"You wanted to check but didn't want her to know" she said. John nodded and hesitated for a moment before he reached towards his own wrist and took off the band, outstretching his arm in her direction. She didn't say anything for a short while but the way her face expression changed when she looked at it provided him with all the answers that he needed.
He had no idea what to do with that knowledge but luckily, one more thing he found out from the older Elizabeth was that she, just like him, had never put too much importance on it. It made it easier for him to do what he had always done best – act as if the mark didn't exist at all. If he had done things for her that he probably wouldn't have done the same way if it had been anyone else, it wasn't because of the mark. She was their leader, the most important person in Atlantis and naturally, it was his job to make sure that no harm would ever come to her.
There were a few times, when a part of him actually wanted to bring it up. The six months he spent in the time dilation field amongst people, who actually saw the marks as a very big part of their lives, made him question whether hiding from it was really a good idea but, in the end, he brushed it off as soon as he was back in Atlantis, knowing it had simply been their idealistic attitude that began to get to him.
Then, the whole Phoebus and Thalen fiasco happened and when she brought it up, after he caught her on the balcony after they were finally released from the infirmary, lost in thoughts and fiddling with her wristband, there was a part of him that wondered if she knew. The way she looked at him in that moment, it was almost as if she was aware just who she was sharing her thoughts with.
"Knowing this is how it might end makes you wonder if the whole thing is really worth the fuss, doesn't it?" she asked, turning her head towards him when he stood by the railing, right next to her.
"We both know it was much more complicated" he remarked. "Even they were aware, right from the start, that it was doomed. They did die together, though, you have to admit there is something poetic in that."
"Dying full of hatred and trying to kill each other... Yes, very poetic" she teased.
"Isn't that how every relationship works? I mean… If you've known and been with someone for years, you're bound to have moments when you're ready to kill them… It's the part when you choose to stay with them anyway that makes the difference" he offered and grinned, when she laughed.
Right then, he was just about to say that the two of them were the perfect example since she somehow managed not to kill him, even though he knew she must have felt the urge to do so more than a few times over the past couple of years, but he held himself back. He might have grown used to it and, having realized how well the two of them actually got along, he even had to admit that it made sense, but he had no way of knowing how she would react if he just dumped it on her like this, so completely out of the blue and without any reason. Their friendship was perfect the way it was and the last thing he wanted was to damage it by throwing something like this in between them.
When she got infected by the nanites, however, he was forced to face the fact that he had been fooling himself. He lost count of how many times he ignored the weight on his heart and reminded himself that soulmates didn't necessarily have to be romantic after someone made a comment about how overprotective he was whenever she was going off-world, or how ready he was to drop everything and bring full force of Atlantis onto anyone that threatened her safety whenever something happened to her. He was simply doing his job, after all.
It was when he was sitting alone with his own thoughts in the quarantine, having no idea what was happening and being completely unable to act or help in any way, that he realized she wasn't just a friend. He might have been trying very hard not to let that happen but somehow, at some point, she had become much more than that and now, that she was fighting – and possibly losing – the battle for her life, he was close to losing his mind, unable to bear the thought of losing her.
He didn't think he had ever felt as relieved in his entire life as he felt when Carson finally showed him mercy and showed up, telling him that she woke up and was going to be okay. He knew, then, that he had to find the courage to tell her but he kept on finding reasons why it wasn't a good time. Little did he know that it would only be several months later that he would find himself in this very same position again, the only difference being the fact that this time, there seemed to be no hope.
Keller gained a lot of respect in his eyes when she explained exactly how bad Elizabeth's condition was, treating him like the next-of-kin rather than a close friend and an acting leader of Atlantis. The way she was looking at him when she suggested that he might want to prepare himself left no doubts why she was doing it and that she understood and didn't hold it against him when he found himself unable to utter a single word in response.
Her 'I'm sorry' kept ringing in his ears, even as he decided to focus on something that was actually within his power and what he knew Elizabeth would have wanted him to do – doing everything in his power to save Atlantis and the people inside. Telling Rodney that he was not to reactivate her nanites under any circumstances was one of the hardest things he had ever done, but as much as it hurt, he knew it was the right decision. If she could speak for herself, she would never have agreed for it to be done.
It was killing him inside but he couldn't help thinking it would have been better if it ended that way, if she had been allowed to die in peace. Instead, he would forever have to live with the knowledge that he failed her, that he left her behind in the hands of the enemy, even though their very first argument was about how they simply couldn't do something like this. He really wanted to blame McKay – for not listening to him and reactivating the nanites anyway, for finding the part of the replicator's programming that made them stay longer than they initially planned, for letting Elizabeth get out of the jumper; he wanted to blame Carter and the entire crew of the Apollo for not showing up sooner, which would give them a chance to beam her up before she lost her locator beacon. The truth was, however, that it was all his fault; it might have been a big advantage, but he should never have gone with the idea of taking her with them.
Ironically, knowing she was still alive was like the worst kind of torture rather than a source of relief. Who knew what kind of suffering she was going through at the hands of the replicators, and there was nothing he could do to help her. It was only the deepest respect that he had for Elizabeth that prevented him from simply taking a jumper and going on a rescue (suicide) mission, once again trying to follow his instincts about what she would have wanted.
"She's still out there" he told Carter not too long after she came to Atlantis, hoping against hope that she would give him permission to go back. Aware of all the things she had experienced as a member of SG-1, he knew that out of all people that they could have gotten, she was most likely to see his point, and he couldn't help feeling a mix of frustration and disappointment when he realized that she didn't.
"You really believe there's a chance she's still alive?" she asked and even though deep down he understood where this question was coming from, he still found it difficult to contain his anger.
"I know she is" he said defiantly, clenching his jaw.
"Believing she's alive and knowing it for certain are two completely different things, John" she pointed out and he all but ripped his wristband away, shoving his hand towards her face, tired of trying to explain it to everyone.
"I know" he repeated, staring at her insistently.
"I had no idea…" she murmured and John gritted his teeth.
"Nobody did. Not even Elizabeth, as far as I know" he said, gripping the railing tightly. "That's not the point, though. She's alive and we have to. go. back."
"I'm sorry, but it's too dangerous" she said and he wanted to scream when she went on to explain her reasoning to him, only to tell him the exact same thing he heard from Elizabeth in this very same spot three years earlier. She wouldn't let him go unless he found a way to ensure that there was at least a slight chance that the mission would be successful.
"Fair enough" was all he said and even though it wasn't fair to Carter, he couldn't help feeling angry and holding it against her.
Luckily, just like everyone else somehow seemed to understand, she didn't seem to be holding it against him, either. He wasn't sure if he was grateful for the space they were giving him or hated how they all walked on eggshells around him, treating him like a ticking bomb that could explode at any moment. The only thing he did know was that he finally understood all the cheesy statements about soulmates that so many people seemed to love, especially the ones about feeling as if nothing was right anymore, as if a part of your own soul was missing after losing them, because it was exactly how he felt. Even the city that he grew to love so much, that he began to see as home, had lost its appeal and started to feel strange and wrong.
Then, just when he felt like it was getting better – some part of him hated that fact vehemently, not sure if he really wanted to move on – another blow came and this time, he had no idea what to think anymore. Saying that it hurt to stand in front of Elizabeth, staring at her face, hearing her voice as she explained that she was just a copy and the original was dead, would be a huge understatement. Especially that the evidence to the contrary was still visible on his skin, the brown shape of Atlantis as perfectly clear as the day it appeared.
"I know what you're going to say because I'm aware that even if they had been keeping her prisoner, there is no way she would have survived the explosion when we destroyed the replicator homeworld, it's just… Why hasn't it disappeared?" he asked Rodney, when he came to his lab to tell him that he finally authorized for Elizabeth's things to be sent back to Earth. He needed to talk to someone, to get this off his chest because it still felt like betraying her, even if he knew he should have done it months ago.
"I hate to say it but you're totally asking the wrong person" replied the scientist. "I've always thought of this whole soulmate mumbo jumbo as complete bullshit, so I really can't help here."
"I'm not asking you to explain to me in detail how it works or why fate or whatever decided it was a good idea to pair me with Elizabeth. Everyone knows the mark is supposed to disappear when the other person dies, so why is my still here?"
"What do you want me to say?" asked Rodney, turning away from his computer to look at him. "That she's still alive? Trust me, I wish I could do that but the truth is, I can't see how. Maybe you're wrong and it wasn't her at all."
"I've actually had it confirmed by two versions of Elizabeth, it was her" he looked down, embarrassed by the incredulous look he received from Rodney because of that statement. "I just… needed to be sure."
"Right. Well, I don't know, maybe it's because of the copy? It might not have been the original, but it was still Elizabeth and for some reason, whatever forces are at play here decided that she's close enough?"
"You're forgetting that she died, too" John pointed out and McKay huffed in irritation.
"I told you I don't know, I'm just offering ideas" he said. "The only other reason I can think of is that there is another copy somewhere out there, and I don't think we really want to go there."
He was right, it wasn't something John wanted to think about because he wasn't sure he could take a blow like this again but of course, it must have turned out to be true. Or partially true as she was actually the original Elizabeth, at least if he was to believe her words, which was pretty hard to do when he was looking at FRAN. The more he watched her, however, the more he was able to see Elizabeth in her. Her entire appearance was wrong and her voice foreign, but the way she spoke and her body language, as well as all the other little things were shockingly – and painfully – familiar.
He couldn't help feeling curious when she said that she wanted to set things right, but it wasn't what he expected. She might not have said that directly but with how she brought up the reactivation of her nanites, it became clear, when she explained her idea, that she believed she should have died back then and intended to fix it. And she wasn't the only one that intended to fix something that day.
He should have done this years ago and even though he still wasn't entirely convinced it was the real Elizabeth, it was unlikely he would ever get another chance. So, when she looked back just as she was about to step through the gate, the same way they always did whenever one of them – him much more often than her – was leaving, he raised his hand in a goodbye. He could see the exact moment she understood the hidden meaning behind it, her eyes widening just a tiny bit when they fell on his mark, and her mouth opened, as if she was about to say something, but closed just as quickly when she decided against it. Instead, she just mirrored his gesture with a small, sad smile and after taking one last look at the city, she turned around and stepped into the event horizon.
Frozen to the spot, staring at the now inactive stargate, John was glad everyone understood that he needed a moment and just gave him space, acting as if it was normal for him to be standing there like this. Or that nobody said anything when he just walked away, heading for his quarters without a word of explanation. It was already difficult to keep his emotions at bay and the last thing he needed was people trying to talk to him, to make him feel better.
He let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding when the door slid closed behind him. He walked over to the bedside table and picked up the picture that was standing there. It was taken by General O'Neill after they reclaimed Atlantis from the replicators and showed him, Elizabeth, Teyla, Ronon, Rodney and Carson, standing in front of the gate, blissfully unaware of how it was only a few short months before two of them would be gone.
Putting the frame down, he reached towards the pot that was always hidden behind it and traced the lid with his finger. It seemed that now, that any trace of hope he still held vanished the moment she stepped through the stargate, it really was the only thing he had left. The pot and the stupid mark on his wrist, which simply refused to disappear, mocking him with its unchanged state.
"At least I got a chance to let you know" he murmured, taking one last glance at the pot before he readjusted the picture and stepped away.
It wasn't much of a consolation but it was the only one he had. All he could do now was accept it and move on, hoping it was the last time he had to mend that particular wound. There was only so much his heart could take and if there was to be a next time, he wasn't sure there would be anything left of his heart to heal.