Chapter Three: A Showdown of Gods

Rule Number Three: Always obey Kakuzu because he is one scary piece of work and has tentacles that can violate you in many different ways.

Hannah

Well, as you know, we left off with us and three slightly crazy Akatsuki members leaving the Akatsuki base to go sell my friends and me to a brothel to raise some money for a bankrupt criminal organization.

For those of you who have failed to notice yet, Dessie and Hidan do not get along. So, in short, the journey was like a travelling hell on wheels. Apart from the usual verbal arguments and threats of all-out war between the two of them, the first big catastrophe occurred during out first camp-out on the trip. Dessie woke up in the middle of the night to find a shirtless Hidan holding a scythe over her head and about to sacrifice her to Jashin. Dessie punched him in the nose and ran away screaming. The rest of us woke up to find a bloody Hidan (no surprise) and a missing Dessie (no surprise).

"Idiot," grumbled Kakuzu, making sure to punch Hidan again in his already broken nose. "You lost us a good five thousand right there!"

"No one would pay five-thousand for that bitch."

"We should probably go find Dessie…" said Kate.

"She'll be fine," I grumbled, rolling over in my sleeping bag and closing my eyes.

Of course, Kakuzu would not let any chance at money slip away. So, he dragged us all out of bed and divided us all up into groups so that we could search for Dessie. In the end (after a good fifteen minutes of arguing) the groups consisted of Konan, Hidan, and Kate and then Kakuzu and me. Then, we set off in opposite directions to go find her.

Now, to set the record straight, Kakuzu is not much of a talker. He looks like Frankenstein's monster on steroids with ugly black tentacles hidden somewhere in his body that only come out when he needs to kill/torture/bludgeon someone – needless to say being alone with him scared me to death. Already, wild fantasies were dancing through my head about me being transformed into some sort of mutant zombie. Maybe Hidan was one of Kakuzu's experiments and I would end up being a loud-mouthed, Jashin-worshipping idiot. And that scared me more than the idea of Kakuzu himself.

"I wonder how Kate and the others are getting on…" I said awkwardly.

Kakuzu shrugged, apparently not caring.

"What if they've found her already?"

"I'll know."

"How?"

He didn't reply, but instead kept tramping through the woods in a random direction. Perhaps he knew where he was going, perhaps not. I just followed him blindly and figured it was best not to say anything for fear of angering him.

Eventually, after a good hour of hiking through the woods, Kakuzu and I wandered upon a small town, the lights of the streets glowing between the forest leaves. Kakuzu led the way and we entered the town. People stared at us – or more accurately, people stared at Kakuzu. Well, I couldn't blame them; he's a bit of a freak.

"Why are we here?" I asked.

"Shut up and sit down."

"Huh?"

Kakuzu pointed at a wooden bench on the side of the road. I hesitated, a little afraid of being left alone in this strange world, but one ferocious glare from, Kakuzu and I obeyed his every word. Then, the moment my butt touched the seat, Kakuzu wandered off and I was left alone – just as I had feared.

A good long hour passed by and I found myself wondering what the hell I was doing here. Not here per say, but here – in this world. Because, like it or not, the more time I spent here, the more I was sure that this was not… Earth. The people here were different and they spoke different and acted different. No matter how I looked at it, they were not from my world. And that terrified me.

So, unable to stand it any longer, I got up from my bench and began to wander around the town, sight seeing. Kakuzu was nowhere to be seen, which might be a good thing since he won't kill me for disobeying him this way. Instead, I found myself wandering by a teashop where a very familiar voice could be heard:

"HOTTIE! HOTTIE! HOTTIE! I want the Hottie! Look at that long, luxurious hair and beautiful eyes – where did you get those eyes?"

With a sigh, I slipped inside the teashop and saw an all too common sight. Dessie stood on one side of the room being restrained by some tall man who had a bowl-haircut and was wearing green spandex while Dessie tried to get her hands on a hot guy – in this case a teenage boy with long brown hair and violet-white eyes.

"Run away, Neji!" screamed a girl with a hairstyle that reminded me distinctly of a panda. "This one's strong!"

"And full of youth!" shouted a miniature version of the man in spandex.

Neji, despite looking a little unnerved by the situation, seemed quite calm. "She's not a shinobi," he observed. "I can take her."

I laughed aloud, causing heads to turn in my direction. "Many a man has said that about Desdemona Lee – none have lived up to their words."

"Huh?"

The spandex man (who I later learned was Gai) released Dessie and, like a wild animal, she charged across the room to capture Neji in a gigantic bear-hug. He toppled to the floor and, unable to move, lay there stiffly.

"HOTTIE!"

"Neji! Get rid of her!" cried Tenten (panda girl).

"I can't move…" muttered Neji through gritted teeth. "Help me…"

I shrugged. "Told you so."

However, I took pity on the poor guy and helped him detach Dessie. She looked disappointed to have to release him, but listened obediently. She stood by my side, scowling, as Lee (mini-spandex) approached her joyously.

"You have the spark of youth in you!" he exclaimed. "I admire your–"

Dessie punched him in the eye.

"Shut up, Ugly."

Neji, Tenten, and Gai gawped as Lee collapsed to the floor of the teashop, unconscious.

"Is she for real?" asked Tenten disbelievingly.

"Yep."

"Sure she's not a shinobi?"

"Yep."

"Damn."

"Yep."

As it turned out, they were a team of shinobi from Konoha who were on a mission in this village. Dessie and I had a pleasant chat with them for awhile before I dragged Dessie back to the bench with me (fear Kakuzu's wrath). My hopes of returning before Kakuzu were rewarded and Dessie and I just managed to sit down on the bench and act natural before Kakuzu returned.

"Look!" I cried. "Look who just randomly walked by…"

Kakuzu looked at me to Dessie and then back to me. Then, he shrugged.

"Nice to know you care," I grumbled.

We arrived back at the campsite long before Hidan, Konan, and Kate did. So, the three of us took advantage and slept in until ten o'clock when the others returned in a very bad mood.

"You could have contacted us, you fucker!" cried Hidan, kicking Kakuzu in the side.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore," snapped Dessie, rolling over sleepily.

"It's your fault I could sleep!"

"Technically it's yours!" piped up Kate. "You're the one who scared her off."

"She should have been honored to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama!"

"Who the hell would be!" exclaimed Dessie, jumping up from her bed. "I'm going to sacrifice you to my great and all mighty god!"

"You don't have a god, Dessie," said Kate.

"Yes I do! As of now I worship the god… Warg! And he is the rival god of Jashin. My sworn mission is to eliminate all Jashin worshipers – die you heathen!" Dessie chased after Hidan screaming: "I know your weak spot!"

"Hidan has a weak spot?" asked Konan curiously.

Right then Dessie aimed a particularly good kick and Hidan collapsed to the ground clutching his 'weak spot'.

"Oh."

"Well," said Kakuzu, getting up from his bed. "I have good news."

"Really?" asked Kate eagerly. "Are we going to be spared? Because I really don't feel like becoming a prostitute – and I fell really bad for Dessie's customers…"

"No. I found a brothel that is willing to pay four thousand apiece."

"That makes twelve thousand…" observed Konan cheerfully. "Good. We can use that to buy food for the rest of the year."

"What about us?" whined Kate miserably.

"What about you?" asked Kakuzu, as cold as ever.

"Er…nothing…"

I patted Kate's shoulder sympathetically. "He has that effect on every one."

Dessie then appeared at my shoulder, bright and cheerful after a good eight hours rest and using Hidan as a stress-reliever. "What am I missing?"

"Kakuzu's found a place to sell us to. We're going to be prostitutes soon."

Dessie's face paled. "But I'd make a horrible prostitute!"

"At least she knows it," I reasoned.

"Prostitution is for average looking women who can't make money anywhere else – I'm far too gorgeous for such a job! Why don't you make Hannah and Kate prostitutes and keep me?"

"Shut up," snapped Kakuzu irritably.

"Make me."

[Insert violent scene involving Dessie being attacked my multiple tentacles coming out of Kakuzu's body. She eventually gives in and agrees to become a prostitute. This maintaining Rule Number Three: always obey Kakuzu, because he scared the shit out of everyone he meets and he means business.]

So, to make a long story short, after Hidan had healed from Dessie's attack, the six of us made out way back to the village where the three of us would meet our doom. Kakuzu happily made the exchange with the brothel (he did earn a good twelve thousand, though Kate still claims we're worth at least twice that).

"Don't leave us here!" cried Kate, grabbing hold of Konan's cloak and refusing to let go. "I'm too young for this life!"

"Let go of her, bitch," snarled Hidan, kicking Kate's hand away. "Be glad it's this rather than death. Merciful Leader took pity on you and spared your worthless lives – Jashin-sama would not have been so kind."

"Warg looks upon your pitiful Jashin and laughs!" screamed Dessie, pointing at Hidan and shaking her finger violently. "I will break free of this prison one day – by the will of Warg I shall! And when I do…" She smiled. "You and your pitiful Jashin will be going down."

Everyone stared at her.

"Um…Dessie…" I said.

"Yeah?"

"You do know that Warg is a god you made up a couple of hours ago just to spite Hidan, right?"

She gasped. "Hannah! You heathen! How dare you speak ill of Warg! Repent! Repent! Or you will end up like that sinner of there!" She pointed in Hidan's general direction.

Konan sighed heavily and said to me pityingly, "Sometimes it's better just to let them go. They'll learn one day."

"Jashin-sama will destroy your pitiful Warg!" shouted Hidan and Kakuzu lead him away by the arm, determined to leave us behind as fast as possible. Konan followed swiftly, with a wave in our direction.

"Have fun!" she called out.

And there, at the Brothel of Muses, the three Akatsuki members abandoned us (quiet gleefully in Hidan's case) in a hell of perverted men.