Chapter Four: Assassination Gone Wrong

Rule Number Four: Always lie to save your ass from destruction – the Akatsuki are gullible enough to believe it!

Dessie

After being sold to a brothel by the fearful Akatsuki organization, I had somehow managed to mentally persuade myself that being a prostitute was a good thing. I sat by myself for a long time and convinced myself that the men who would come and buy me would be hot, gorgeous young men with a lot of money. And eventually one of them would fall in love with me and marry me.

So, when my first customer came, I was rather excited. I mean, who wouldn't want to give her first time to a hot rich guy (never mind he was a pervert). However, I took one look at the face of my customer and knew that my deceptions were not nearly good enough.

He was old… and ugly… With long, spiky white hair and a wart on the side of his nose. It just grossed me out. And the pervert was eyeing me rather lustily. Now, I know I am devilishly attractive, but this was just ridiculous. Especially when the guy lunged at me with his arms outstretched…

"Ugly."

With that, I kicked him in his weak spot and left.

It was pretty easy to find Hannah and Kate after that. Kate was in the room where loud screams and the sound of running were coming from. I kicked open the door and found Kate sprinting around the room and shrieking like a banshee while she tried to avoid her customer. I took one look at the ugly pervert before punching his jaw in.

Hannah was standing outside her room when I came by. I didn't want to know what terrors she did to her man to avoid sex. Whatever it was, it was not 'kinky'.

"We're going," said Hannah bluntly.

Kate wiped tears out of her eyes and nodded. "I don't like being a whore."

"Nope. Not that desperate."

And with that, the three of us made our way towards the exit of the brothel. Unfortunately, our path was blocked by the biggest, fattest pervert I have ever seen. He was probably a sumo wrestler or something along those lines. He towered over us, gazing down with squinty eyes. He was ugly. And that was that mattered.

"Get the hell out of my way," I snarled.

"Get back to your rooms," he snapped, in his deep, gravely voice. "I paid for you! You're going to work."

"Over my dead body, Fat-ass!"

He charged at me, and I side-stepped out of the way. Kate screamed and ran outside while he was occupied with me. Hannah just watched from the sidelines.

I tried punching the fatso, but his layers of flesh simply absorbed the punch and it had no affect. I then had to duck his next attack. My kicks didn't work either and I found myself running away, barely able to defend.

"Hannah!" I cried out desperately. "Help!"

She heard my call.

BANG!

The fatso collapsed to the floor in a heap, Hannah standing over his fallen body holding a heavy metal frying pan in her hands.

"Where did you get that?" I asked.

She shrugged. "One of the prostitutes had it – for the very unruly customers." Hannah handed it back to one of the whores who smiled and gave the fallen fatso a kick in the head.

"He doesn't seem very popular," Hannah observed.

We made our way outside to find Kate cowering under a restaurant table on the opposite side of the street. She saw that we were safe and the fatso was gone and, slowly, she slid out from underneath and smiled. "Is it over."

"Yep. No thanks to you!" I said cheerfully.

She glanced at the ground ashamedly. "But I can't fight…"

"Whatever," said Hannah. "What are we going to do now? We're stuck in a strange world with no way home…"

"Strange world?" asked Kate.

"Yeah. Can't you tell? It just…feels like a strange world. And they don't know what the Earth is…"

Kate and I nodded in agreement. We felt it too, the differentness of this place. There was no denying that this was not our home and that, by some miracle, we were now standing in a whole new world.

"So…this world might be nothing like our old one!" Kate exclaimed suddenly. "Like what if this world is…" She paused for dramatic effect. "Flat."

"Blasphemy!" I cried.

"Well…" said Hannah thoughtfully. "It's not entirely impossible."

"The world is round! Round I tell you! Spherical! Flat is a lie, damn you!"

"Dessie… Please don't lose your head. Anyways, we know this world is different. There's a bunch of crazy criminals with magical powers walking around, and they want to kill us – or sell us to a brothel. We should lie low for awhile and figure out how to get home…"

"You can go lie low," I snarled. "I am going to go kill the Akatsuki!"

They stared at me.

"What?" gasped Kate. "You're going to go kill the very criminals who want us dead and sold us to a whore house?"

"Yep. Revenge! They will rue the day they ever tried to mess with Desdemona Lee!" I grinned. "So who's with me?"

Hannah let out a snort of laughter. "You're on your own, Psycho Bitch."

"But…Hannah…"

"Don't but me. I don't want involved in any of your psycho schemes – they usually end with getting arrested or gigantic explosions."

I giggled. "But that's what makes them fun."

"No."

"Fine," I snapped. "I'll go murder the Akatsuki on my own. You can stay here and rot of boredom for all I care." And with that, I turned on my heels and stormed off in the opposite direction.

"Dessie!" shouted Kate. "The Akatsuki base is this way!"

I spun around. "I knew that!" And then I marched in the direction that Kate was pointing.

"We'd better go with her, Hannah," said Kate with a sigh. "Knowing Dessie she'll get lost half way and end up falling in a hole and dying. I don't like imagining Dessie as a skeleton…"

"Argh!" cried Hannah, throwing up her hands in the air. "Why do I try?"

And so, without further discussion, the three of us made our way through the forests and hills back to the Akatsuki hideout to go try and kill all the criminals that tried to kill us – karma at its best.

The Akatsuki hideout is amazingly easy to sneak into. I think that's because they are so confident that no one can find it that they don't bother to guard it properly. However, because the Akatsuki couldn't be bothered blindfolding us when we made our trip to the brothel, my friends and I were able to easily find our way back and sneak in.

On our hike, we had discussed who we should kill first. I had suggested Hidan (to no one's surprise), but Hannah recommended Kakuzu (since he would be the hardest to kill and a sneak-attack would be the best method to exterminate him with). Kate had agreed with all the suggestions, thinking that the world would be a better place if any one of them was dead.

So, we found ourselves slipping through the corridors of the hideout, trying to find Kakuzu without anyone seeing us.

"Do you think he's in his room?" I asked in an undertone.

"Maybe…" murmured Hannah. "Do you remember where it was?"

"Er…that way? Or maybe that way? I think…perhaps there…"

"Never mind."

We continued walking, until we found a doored that look as though it might possibly lead to Kakuzu's room. So, tentatively, we turned the door handle and slipped inside.

The sight within was enough to give us nightmares for months on end.

Zetsu was in the middle of changing.

And with Zetsu, it is hard to tell where the plant began and the human ended.

I screamed.

Hannah turned away.

Kate opened the door.

We all fled.

Right into Deidara.

Up until that moment I, personally, had never spoken a word to Deidara before. Hannah, however, had spent multiple hours being interrogated by him and from standing between them for two seconds I could tell – their relationship was not good.

"What do you want, fur ball?" snapped Hannah.

Deidara stared.

"What?"

"What are you doing here? Aren't you meant to be whoring it out in some brothel?"

"Don't talk about us in the same terms as you," said Hannah. "We discovered that brothels are not quite our cup of tea. So, the owner decided to send us back – don't worry, he says you can keep the money."

Deidara muttered under his breath, "We should have put a no-returns label on you, uhn."

"Deidara-senpai! You have company…"

From around the corridor Tobi appeared… and he was skipping. He caught sight of the three of us talking to Deidara and his one visible eye widened in horror. Then, it crinkled into a smile. "Hannah and Dessie have returned – Tobi missed them!"

He hugged us.

Needless to say, I kicked him in the kneecap and hid behind Kate (who, by the way, looked quite heartbroken that Tobi would not give her a hug – she doesn't seem to know how lucky she is).

"But what are Hannah and Dessie doing back?" asked Tobi, massaging his kneecap. "Kakuzu said he sold them to a brothel."

"He did," I said cheerfully. "But we came back."

"To kill us most likely," muttered Deidara.

I couldn't argue with that.

"I wonder if Leader will let me keep them as pets this time," said Tobi thoughtfully. Then he smiled. "Let's go see Leader!" And, before Hannah or I could protest, he picked us up and carried us on his shoulders down the hallway to Leader's office with Deidara and Kate hurried in our wake.

Tobi was surprisingly strong despite his looks. He carried the weigh of Hannah and me as if we were feathers and carried us for a good three minutes. He kicked open the door of the office and dropped us to the floor in front of Leader's desk. Busy with work, both Leader and Konan looked up to stare at us, unable to believe their eyes.

"Thought you got rid of them," said Leader stiffly.

"We did…" murmured Konan.

"They came back!" exclaimed Tobi.

"To kill us." (Deidara)

"Not to kill you!" cried out Kate. "We would never want to kill you! We just want to get home and this is the only place we have connections to home from!"

I have to say I was impressed. I had never pictured Kate to be the one to lie on the spot, but here we are, and she was doing a better job of it than Hannah or I was.

"We escaped from the brothel," explained Hannah. "So you can keep the money and we'll keep our freedom… We don't want to kill you; we just want to find a way home."

And so, I add Lesson Number Four to the survival guide: lying goes a long way in the Akatsuki, and the best part is they're gullible enough to believe it!

Suddenly, Konan spoke: "What if…we were to let them stay here…"

"Konan…" said Leader warningly.

"And every once and awhile, when we're tight on money, we'll sell them to a whore house. Then, they'll escape and come back and we'll still have the money!"

Leader considered this and, I have to say, this was a rather ingenious plan. Leader seemed to think so too, because he agreed to it. Hannah, Kate, and I were to stay with the Akatsuki with the condition that we would be sold to brothels on occasion. Compared to the option of death, this seemed a pretty good deal (we didn't realize how wrong we were until later). And so, that is the story how the three of us became fake Akatsuki whores. From there on the tale only gets more insane.