Chapter Five: All Out Warfare

Rule Number Five: Don't repeat any of the things done in this chapter – they have a tendency to piss Leader off and set divine punishment upon us all.

Kate

Hello wonderful readers and welcome back to my oh-so-charismatic point of view. The next interesting part of the story takes place three days after our return to the Akatsuki hideout (we spent the first few days cowering in fear in our shared bedroom, absolutely afraid that they would murder us). So, one early morning, I decided to get up and make breakfast in hopes of getting the Akatsuki on my good side…And hence, I present to you, Rule Number Five: Don't repeat any of the things done in this chapter, they have dastardly consequences.

I found my way into the Akatsuki kitchen at around 5:30 a.m. and decided (looking at the scarce ingredients in the cupboard) was that oatmeal was about the only breakfast I could make. So, I set about concocting a gigantic pot of oatmeal on the stove.

The only issue is that Kisame is an early riser. And, at 5:41 a.m. he comes strolling into the kitchen, huge, spiky sword and all.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Cooking breakfast…"

"And who said you could cook breakfast?"

I stirred the pot of oatmeal awkwardly. "No one…I just wanted to do something nice for the Akatsuki…"

Kisame looked scandalized at the use of the word 'nice' – apparently it is taboo amongst the Akatsuki. Instead of commenting on it, however, he walked over and peering into the pot curiously. "What are you making?"

"Oatmeal."

"Disgusting."

"Oh…" I continued stirring, unsure what to do about this.

Kisame walked over to the fridge and began rummaging around in the shelves. Behind me, he began chopping something up and, within a few minutes, he returned to my side to dump something into the gray-brown oatmeal.

"What are you doing!" I cried, trying to get all the little pink bits out of my food.

"It needs some fish…"

"What are you?" I wailed. "A cannibal!"

"I am related to a shark," he explained impatiently. "Sharks eat fish. It is not cannibalism!"

"Waaaaaaah!" I tried to dump as much of the fish out of the oatmeal as possible. "You ruined it! They'll kill me! No one wants to eat fish oatmeal!"

Kisame ignored my cries and tasted the oatmeal himself. He gave an approving nod and said, "It needs to be hotter."

"It'll burn if it's any hotter!"

But Kisame was already moving to the pantry and a minute later he returned with a little red bottle labeledTabasco. "Not that kind of hot, stupid." And then Kisame dumped the whole bottle into the oatmeal. "Delicious!"

"They're gonna kill me…"

"Damn right we are - Kisame, what are you doing?"

I spun around, hoping to see some reasonable person in the doorway of the kitchen, but, to my great misfortune, the next early riser at the Akatsuki was Deidara. He wasn't wearing his Akatsuki cloak for once, but rather a black t-shirt and green pants, looking more as if he were an army-chick than a big, bad criminal.

Kisame did not look more delighted than me at the arrival of Deidara and, in response to Deidara's question, he simply said, "We're cooking."

"I am not eating another seafood dish as long as I live!" cried Deidara. Without another word, he walked over to our pot of hot seafood oatmeal and chucked a ball of clay in there. Before Kisame and I could stop him, Deidara raised his hands and said, "Katsu!"

Good-bye oatmeal.

"You idiot!" exclaimed Kisame, rushing over to the stove and creating hand-signs as quickly as possible so that water appeared to put the flames out. "You could burn the whole hideout down!"

"It would be art!" shouted Deidara triumphantly.

I stared. "Art?"

"That's right! The art of an explosion! A brief, fleeting flash and then – BOOM – the world goes up in smoke!" He laughed. "ART IS A BANG!"

I edged closer to Kisame and cowered behind his gigantic sword. "He's a little…off…isn't he?"

"A little?" asked Kisame. "Deidara! You ruined my breakfast! Fix it!"

"Fix what?"

"Food!" Kisame drew his sword and pointed it in the direction of Deidara. "Feed me of I'll murder you where you stand."

Deidara pulled out a wad of clay and shaped it into the image of a bird. He grinned at Kisame and raised two fingers in the air, ready to fight. "Make me, asshole!"

I was saved from a full out war in the middle of the Akatsuki kitchen by the arrival of Itachi. He was the only Akatsuki member present to be dressed in his official cloak and his black hair was ruffled with bed head, the backing sticking up in a fashion that reminded me distinctly of a cockatoo's backside. He stood a good six inches shorter than Kisame, but his mere presence was enough to get Kisame to back down from a fight. Deidara, on the other hand, did not back down, but rather switched targets so that he was now aiming to kill Itachi.

"Die, you over grown weasel–"

But before Deidara could get within two inches of Itachi, Itachi had nailed him to the ground and was now standing over Deidara with one foot on the blond fur ball's head.

"No fighting at six in the morning."

"Bull shit!" shouted Deidara, in face smashed against the floor. "I'll kick your ass at any hour of the day!"

"I can see what a fine example of that you're setting," snickered Kisame.

"Shut up!"

"Now," said Itachi evenly. "Why is everyone in the kitchen at this hour?"

Kisame shrugged. "Kate was making oatmeal and I decided to improve it. Then, Deidara came and blew the whole thing up."

"Good," said Itachi, "I am not eating another one of your seafood dishes as long as I live." Then, he turned to me and I shrunk behind Kisame, hoping that Itachi would kill him before me. Itachi did nothing, however, but simply said, "Stay out of the kitchen." And with then, Itachi turned around and left, leaving me alone in a kitchen with Kisame and Deidara.

"Now what do we do?" grumbled Deidara.

"Go back to your room."

"I can't…Tobi's up and he wants to play 'House' – and he wants me to be the mommy. What the hell is he thinking!"

Kisame let out a snort of laughter. "Go place 'House' with Tobi. I'm sure he's just dying to play with his senpai."

"Shut up, Fish Fry!"

"What did you just call me!"

"You heard me, you no-good, dirty-rotten shark bait!" said Deidara, preparing another ball of clay.

Kisame drew is sword. "You try saying that one more time, you blond headed motherf–"

"ITACHI!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"Where?"

Both Kisame and Deidara twisted around, trying to catch sight of the non-existent Itachi in the room. Then, realizing they had been fooled, both men rounded on me, their eyes flashing in anger.

"Kate…What are you doing?" snarled Kisame. "That word is forbidden in this kitchen."

"That's right, bitch," said Deidara, taking a step closer to me. "You say that one more time and I'll blow you brain to bits and fry it up for dinner as some of Kisame's famous sushi."

I stared. Kisame was waving his sword around inches from my face and Deidara was creating another clay masterpiece. I stared at them for about two seconds and then, at 6:06 a.m., I spun around and sprinted out of the kitchen screaming like a banshee.

"Wait! Bitch! Freeze!"

The sound of Deidara and Kisame chasing me echoed through the hallways behind me. My heart was racing, and my feet were pounding, already my gasps were coming out as huge, raspy breaths.

"Hannah! Dessie!" I screamed. "Save me!"

SLAM!

My head met skull as I ran full-force into another human being. The two of us went toppling to the ground in a mess of arms and legs. Deidara and Kisame screeched to a halt in front of us, unable to differentiate one from the other. I groaned, and managed to push the other person off of me only to see a bulk of long, brown hair.

"Hannah!" I gasped.

"Kate…" She said dizzily, rubbing her forehead irritably.

"What are you doing running through the hallways so early in the morning?" I asked cheerfully.

"Tobi showed up in our room wanting to play house…"

"See!" shouted Deidara, pointing at her. "Tobi's fucking insane!"

"…he wanted me to be the daughter of him and Deidara…" She glanced up at Deidara and scowled. "As if I'd want to be related to the blond fur ball!"

"Shut up, bitch!" snapped Deidara, grabbing her by the wrist and pull her to her feet. "You should be honored to die in art" And, much to our horror, he stuffed a wad of clay in the mouth and raised two fingers. "K–"

"Hannah! Kate!"

Before Deidara could get the word out Dessie, in all her bad-temper youth, came flying through the hallways at top speed and slammed into Deidara's side. The two of them went crashing to the ground as Zetsu came rushing along the corridor after Dessie.

I helped Hannah pull the wad of clay out of her mouth and threw it as Deidara while he disentangled himself from Dessie.

"What the hell is going on here?" asked Kisame, looking from Zetsu to Dessie and back.

"He tried to eat me!" cried Dessie. "One moment I have having a sweet dream about giant man-eating bats feasting on the Zombie Whore and then I feel something nibbling on my arm and I wake up to see this freak helping himself!" She waved her arm in our faces and sure enough there was a set of bite marks just below her elbow.

"Damn Zetsu! I didn't know you have such bad taste!"

Everyone turned around to see Hidan and Kakuzu walking down the hall way to see what all the commotion was. Hidan was glowering at Dessie and her back at him, both ready to start a fight at any second.

"Shut up, Zombie Whore!" snapped Dessie. "Or Warg will have his vengeance!"

"Who the hell is Warg?" asked Kisame.

"My god!" snapped Dessie. "He shall kick the ass of Jashin and turn all you heathens into ashes!" (insert evil laugh here)

"Die you anti-Jashin bitch!"

"Ten bucks on Psycho Bitch for the win!" shouted Hannah. "She's got the fire power."

"You're on!"

"They're all fucking insane…" muttered Kakuzu.

And then, before Hidan and Dessie could properly kill each other, there was a flash of lightning through out the hall way. Everyone froze, looking about confusedly. Then, in the middle of the lightning storm, stood Leader in all his orange punk rage, and, of course, at his side was the ever present angel.

"What is going on here?" asked Leader.

Silence.

"Er…well…" Kisame shifted about awkwardly. "We were just having a little bit of fun…"

"Fun?" asked Hannah incredulously.

"Like I could ever have fun with these bitches," scoffed Deidara.

Leader just stared at everyone silently, his eyes cold with hatred. Then, he turned around and started walking away. "Meeting. In ten minutes. You're late. You die. End of story."

And then he and Konan disappeared.

Needless to say, everyone was at the meeting on time.

Leader stood at the head of the room with Konan at his side. The ten other people in the room were staring up at him quietly, waiting to hear his sentence.

"Now," began Leader. "It has come to my attention that you all have pent up energy inside of you. So, I have concluded that the best way to get rid of this excess energy is to send you all on some missions."

"All right!" cried Dessie, pumping her fist in the air. "We get hide out all to ourselves!"

"All of you on some missions," repeated Leader. "That includes you three."

"Eh?" I cried. "But we're not shinobi!"

"You'll each go with a pair of Akatsuki members and learn. But Konan and I cannot put up with one more minute of you shenanigans!"

Dessie giggled. "He said shenanigans."

"Shut up!" Leader massaged his temples and sighed heavily. "I'm getting gray far too early. Now, listen up! You will go on missions. You will travel in groups of three. And you will bring everyone back alive – understand?" He glared at Kakuzu and Hidan in particular.

"We want Hannah!" shouted Kisame loudly.

"No way!" snapped Kakuzu, rounding on him. "I want the quiet one!"

"She's ours! You always get the quiet ones!"

"What the hell!" cried Kakuzu, grabbing Hidan by the collar so that Kisame could get a good look at him. "Does this look like a quiet one to you!"

"Let me go, Kakuzu you asshole!" snapped Hidan.

"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" (this was Leader)

"I have already decided your groups and your missions. No arguing. Firstly, Hidan and Kakusu, you will be taking Hannah to go capture the two-tails–"

"Fuck yeah!" cried Hidan. "We get the quiet one."

Leader glared at him until Hidan was silent again, quelling under Leader's ferocious stare. Apparently even the Akatsuki had to follow Rule Number One (listen to the Akatsuki members).

"Secondly, Deidara and Tobi, you will be taking Kate and capturing the three-tailed giant turtle. And Kisame and Itachi – you will be left with Dessie to capture the four-tailed monkey. That leaves Konan, Zetsu, and I to work in silence at the base…"

Kisame groaned. "Why do we get the violent one?"

Dessie giggled. "Hottie…"

I could have sworn that Itachi cowered behind Kisame at the sight of Dessie drooling (I can't say I blame him – even insane criminals like the Akatsuki have a fear of stalker fan girls).

So, after a morning of explosions, screaming, and all-out warfare, the twelve of us were divided into groups of three and unleashed upon the world. And, like always, this decision had…disastrous…consequences. Maybe one day Leader will learn…