Chapter Seven: A Fight With A Stranger

Rule Number Seven: Don't be like Dessie.

Dessie

Who? Itachi, Kisame, and I. What? Were walking through the streets of a festival. Where? TheLandofWater. When? 11:24 a.m. Why? To try and find the Four-Tails jincuriki. Was I having fun? Hell no!

Itachi and Kisame could possibly be the most boring pair in the Akatsuki. Itachi was dead silent for almost the entire trip, speaking when only necessary, and Kisame spent the entire time chasing after busty women (the stupid pervert). So, for the two days we spent in the city searching for the Four-Tails, I hopelessly and pathetically bored.

On the third day of our search, a festival happened to be taking place in the streets. So, with nothing better to do, the three of us made our way down to the city and began to have a little fun. Itachi gave me a spending limit (the tight-fisted prick) and headed off on his own to go find the jinchuriki.

"I think Itachi's a workaholic," I muttered to Kisame.

He glanced in the direction of his partner's retreating back and grinned. "It's because he doesn't get enough. He needs something to distract him."

"You sick freak," I muttered. "Oh look! Carnival games!"

I pointed in the direction of a festival booth, where several children crowded around the water with little paper nets, trying to capture gold fish. Eagerly I started in the direction of the game, but Kisame caught me by the shoulder.

"No. There is no way in heaven or hell that I am going to sit next to a tub of water and try and catch fishes next to hoards of squealing little kids!"

"But it's fun!"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Pretty please with a cheery on top!"

"No."

Kisame ended up sitting next to a tub of water trying to capture goldfish in a paper net squished between little kids. I have to say I found the sight highly enjoyable. He was absolutely terrible at fishing, and every time he got close to catching a fish, the net broke. Around his, the little kids would catch one sooner or later and would leave, only to replace by more little kids.

"God damnit!" cried Kisame, trying his net on the ground. "I am going to get one of these stupid fish!"

I grinned and waggled my own water-filled bag with a little goldfish swimming around in it. "What are you going to do, Kisame?"

He gripped both edges of the tub and, with a glare in my direction, dunking his head into the water. The little kids around him screamed and jumped backwards saying, "A shark! There's a shark in the water!" A minute later, Kisame emerged, water dripping down his face and hair. In his mouth several little gold fish flopped around, trying desperately to escape.

"Ifiniotuf" he grunted.

"What?"

He swallowed the several fish whole and repeated, "I think I got enough."

"You cheated."

"I'm an S-rank criminal; I'm allowed to cheat." He rose from his seat beside the tub and stormed away from the game, determined never to return. I scampered after him excitedly, careful not to swing my goldfish bag too much.

The next thing I wanted to do was go try some Japanese cuisine (being stuck in a different universe, I had the right to make the most of it). However, before we reached the food section of the festival, Kisame caught sight of a 'gorgeous broad' and disappeared, leaving me standing alone with almost no money left.

"What the hell, asshole!" I screamed after him. "At least pay me back for the fish game!"

Kisame waved a careless hand behind him and continued chasing after his new woman.

Cheeks puffed out in anger, I turned back to the festival and counted my money. Maybe I could buy a very small bit of food. I approach a shop with sold octopus on a stick and had barely enough money to buy one, but the shop owner gave me a second free and I turned away, searching for a bench to sit down and enjoy me food on…

WHAM.

I walked right into the chest of some passer-by. The force was so great that I toppled backwards on to the ground, dropping my beloved food. The octopus sticks were immediately trampled on by passers-by and my food, regrettably, was no more.

"Oops. Sorry." The asshole who caused me to drop my food kept on walking past.

Rage blinded me (as it tends to do often) and I leapt up from the ground and grabbed the man by the back of his shirt, whipping him around to face me. He was burly guy with bright red hair sticking in all direction and a rather monkey-like face. He was dressed in purple and wore a ninja headband around his forehead.

Now, if I had been any regular sane person, I would have seen that he was a shinobi and backed off right then and there. But, as we all know, I am far, far from normal.

"Hey, asshole!" I snapped. "You just ruined my lunch."

The red-haired man glowered at me, his purple eyes flashing in rage. "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me, asshole – or are you deaf as well as dumb?"

The man towered above me, a whole foot and a half difference between our heights. "You're a foreigner, aren't you? You don't know who I am. I'll let you off this once, but don't insult me again–"

"I don't give a shit who you are, asshole. Buy me a new lunch!"

He gritted his teeth. "I'm trying to be nice."

"Then stop – because you're failing miserable. Buy me a new lunch!"

"Who cares about your shitty lunch – buy yourself and new one and next time look where you're going – then maybe you won't drop you lunch all over the ground!"

I twitched. "Don't you care call my lunch shitty."

"What the hell you talking about?"

"I used the very last of my money to buy those octopus sticks and you just called them shitty – die you asshole!"

And, with that ever charming statement, I drew my fist back and punched the asshole in the nose. There was the familiar sound of bone cracking beneath my fist and the man staggered backwards, clutching his nose between two fingers.

"You broke it!" he said nasally. "You broke by bose!"

I grinned and flipped him off. "You broke my lunch. And eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth! Remember that next time you try and ruin someone's lunch!"

"You bitch! Are you even 'uman!"

"Hell no, asshole! Don't put me in a group with people like you!" I turned away, already heading back down in the street in search of Kisame of Itachi. Vaguely I began to wonder if Itachi had found the Four-Tails yet.

"Nop right dere, you bitch!"

The voice, while somewhat resembling the man's from earlier, had begun to change. It grew deeper and gravelly until it eventually changed completely from screams of rage to a deep resonating roar.

I froze, halfway down the street and felt my heart come to a stop. Behind me, people were shrieking and running past me, trying to get away as fast as possibly. Slowly, I turned around to see what had happened. Instead of an angry red-haired man there stood a gigantic, red baboon baring his fangs and snarling. And, let me tell you, he was very, very pissed off.

"What the…"

And the giant baboon turned its squinty eyes on me and I knew I was in trouble.

I screamed and, like the noble and brave girl I was, I turned-tail and ran like all of hell was after me. The baboon, unfortunately, came sprinting after me, its thick, hairy hind legs pounding against the ground as it ran.

I sounded something like this:

"!"

All the way through the festival I ran with the giant baboon racing after me. Stalls, carts, and people – everything went flying out of the way in a whirlwind behind me. The baboon didn't care much – his attention was focused solely on me.

"Dessie!"

My head jerked in the direction of the voice and I saw Itachi standing at little ways in front of me, his expression slightly amused.

"Save me!" I screamed. And, as I approached him, I came to a screeching halt and cowered behind his body, hoping that the baboon would lose sight of me.

"Congratulations!"

A huge, blue hand patted me roughly on the shoulder and I looked back to see Kisame standing beside me, his sword drawn and a satisfied grin on his face.

"You found the Four Tailed Beast!"

"I did?"

Itachi nodded his head in the direction of the beast's backside. Sure enough four long, monkey tails extended from above the baboon's butt. The baboon was currently standing in the middle of the festival; looking around in search of me (apparently hiding behind Itachi was a success – who would have thought).

"So are you going to beat him up now?" I asked curiously.

"Well…I don't know…" said Kisame. "Since you found him you should capture him…"

Itachi nodded in agreement. "That's how it works…While you're not exactly shinobi material, you might make a good sacrifice…"

I stared at them both, unable to believe what I was hearing. "Me? Capture a tailed beast? Ha…ha…ha…" And then I spun around and fled in the opposite direction.

Of course, unfortunately for me, the baboon had not forgotten my existence and the moment I left my cover behind Itachi, the baboon let out a ferocious roar and came bounding after me. And, as I fled through the crowded city streets from the Akatsuki who planned to sacrifice me and the beast who wanted to devour me one thought came to my mind – Rule Number Eight: Don't be like Dessie.

And then I made the stupidest of all stupid mistakes – I made a right turn to a dead end.

A large brick wall towered above me, mocking my soon-to-be corpse. I was trapped, like a rat in a cage, and the baboon had rounded the corner, its lips pulled back in a deadly snarl.

"Hey, buddy!" I cried, raising my hands in front of my face defensively. "Long time no see…"

His replied with an extremely loud roar.

"Apparently you're not nearly as happy to see me… Er… What's up?"

With a low, deadly growl, the baboon sauntered forward. Now, I don't know about you, but I have never seen a baboon saunter. But somehow, this massive, ugly red monkey managed to pull it off – and pretty well if you ask me. Of course, if you have ever seen a gigantic baboon saunter I think you'll agree when I say it is as scary as hell!

"Hey, buddy!" I cried, somewhat desperately. "We're all friends here right? You know… I love you, you love me, we're a happy family….with a great big hug and a…kiss…from me to you…"

The baboon snarled and I gave up on the song.

"Please don't kill me!"

The baboon opened its mouth, ready to devour me whole, but then, before it could get any closer, a massive wave of water came crashing down on the baboon's head. It collapsed, unable to stand beneath the weight. Kisame hopped on top of the baboon's head from behind and grinned at me.

"Why is it that as soon as a crazy, violent bitch is faced with something big and scary, she runs away screaming?"

"Big and scary…" I muttered. "Kisame, you perv."

And then, I fainted bringing my first mission with the Akatsuki to a very successful end (note the sarcasm). On the bright side, because I was unconscious, I was carried all the way back to the Akatsuki base in the arms of a hottie (I love you ItachI! May you handsome face remain eternal!). Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining!