Chapter Eight: A Turtle Falls
Rule Number Eight: Tobi is a good boy
Kate
Hello, wonderful readers! As we all know, the story left off with the Akatsuki heading off on separate missions and, much to my horror, I wound up in a group with Deidara and Tobi. Deidara is a psychotic pyromaniac, and the hyperactive Tobi hates me for some reason. So, as we journeyed to theLandofWaterI went through five days of absolute chaos.
Firstly, the Three-Tailed Turtle has no jinchuriki at the moment, so instead of heading towards the oh-so-safe civilization, Deidara, Tobi, and I headed in the opposite direction towards a very deep, very murky lake. And, for those of you who are knew to this whole Akatsuki thing, being stuck traveling through an isolated forest with Deidara and Tobi is not fun. So far Deidara had tried to blow up Tobi 23 times and Tobi had said the phrase "Tobi is a good boy" 42 times – I am about to make like an ostrich and burry my head in the dirt!
"Are we there yet, Deidara-senpai?" (this is Tobi who is whining)
"No, Tobi, we are not there yet." Deidara ground his teeth.
"When will we get there?"
"We'll get there when we get there."
"And when is that?"
"NEVER, you shitty piece of shit." Deidara grabbed a piece of clay from his bag and shaped it into a sparrow, which promptly flew at Tobi, exploding inches away from Tobi's orange mask.
Correction. Deidara has tried to bow up Toby 24 times now.
And now, five minutes later:
"Are we there yet, Deidara-senpai?"
"No, Tobi, we are not there yet."
It is an endless cycle. And I am trapped in the middle of it.
What did I do to deservethis! Was I some kind of serial killer in my past life! Yeah…maybe that was it. I was someone like Jack the Ripper and now, as punishment, I must spend my life with these psychos to learn that killing is not the answer – dear God, I will never harm another soul if you just get me out of this terrifying hellhole! God did not grant my wish. And Deidara tried to destroy yet another one of Tobi's body parts (this one was a little more personal than the face).
"Deidara-senpai, that's no fair!" squealed Tobi, clutching is vulnerable parts. "That's hitting below the belt!"
"Literally!" said Deidara cheerfully. "Now shut up before I break your ugly face!"
"But, Deidara-senpai doesn't know if Tobi's face is ugly."
"What?" Deidara looked as confused as I felt.
"Tobi wears a mask all the time, so how can Deidara-senpai know if his face is ugly or not? Tobi could be very good-looking underneath this mask."
Deidara and I stared. Then, slowly, Deidara crept closer to Tobi, reaching out a hand to grasp the mask. But, before Deidara could touch it, Tobi grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight so that the bones cracked dangerously.
"Bad Deidara-senpai!"
Deidara with drew his hand (which stuck its tongue out at Tobi) and continued hiking through the forest. I scurried after him, a little afraid to be left behind with Tobi. However, Tobi seemed to be very inclined to talk to me and for the next part of the hike, he insisted on walking beside me.
"Does Kate enjoy tramping through the woods with Tobi?" he asked.
"Er…yeah, sure…"
"Yay! Tobi is a good boy!"
"Yeah…"
"Do you think Deidara-senpai likes tramping through the woods with Kate and Tobi?" His single visible eye seemed to be pleading the answer out of me.
"I guess so…" I muttered, while Deidara twisted around and screamed, "I do not!"
"He's just shy," I added in an undertone so that Deidara couldn't hear.
"Yay!" Tobi clapped his hands excitedly. "Tobi wonders what Hannah and Dessie are up to. Would they like to go tramping through the woods with Deidara-senpai, Kate, and Tobi?"
I resisted the urge to sigh – why could I never have a conversation with Tobi without Dessie and Hannah coming up? This was obvious favoritism. "Yes, Tobi, they would love to go tramping through the woods with you."
"Yay! Next time Tobi should invite them!"
"You do that…"
"Shut up!"
Tobi and I stopped walking and stared at Deidara, but he wasn't paying attention to us. His eyes were fixed straight ahead where, through a clearing in the trees, a vast, murky-green lake sat. We pushed our ways through the last of the trees and stood at the water's edge. The lat was not ugly, though the water was not ideal, and large ripples glided across the water's surface.
"Is this it?" I asked, unable to help myself from sounding unimpressed.
"Uhn." (I suppose this is Deidara's way of saying 'yes')
"Tobi can feel something strong."
I glanced in the masked-man's direction. It was strange to see Tobi so serious, especially about something shinobi related, but, like Deidara, he was staring across the lake's glassy surface with a tense expression (I think, sicne I couldn't really see it).
"What do we do?" I asked.
Deidara turned around, regarding Tobi and I carefully. "Tobi go jump in."
"Why?"
"Because you were assigned to capture the Three-Tails. As a member of the Akatsuki, you have to do it on your own."
"But Tobi doesn't know how to swim…"
Deidara pushed him in. There was a huge splash and seconds later, Tobi resurfaced, clutching onto the edge of the lake desperately.
"Tobi can't swim!"
"Then, learn," snapped Deidara, kicking Tobi's head forcefully under the water. I cringed, but dared not protest, afraid that Deidara would try to kill me instead.
Soon enough, Tobi did learn how to swim and he dove beneath the lake's surface in search of the Three-Tails. Deidara and I found a nice rock to sit on (or, more accurately, we found a rock for Deidara to sit on. When I tried to use the rock as well, he shoved me on the ground and called me a "mutt"). The two of us sat in silence, over looking the lake for a good hour or so. Finally, when I had had enough of waiting, I asked:
"Do you think he drowned?"
Deidara shrugged. "Does it matter?"
"Um…a little…yes…"
"It would do the world a favor, uhn."
"Is Tobi that annoying?" I asked, trying and failing to keep the conversation going. Already Deidara was losing interest.
"Uhn."
"Has he always been you partner?"
"No, uhn. Used to be a guy called Sasori until he died at the hands of some bitchy-ass chick shinobi and his old-fart grandma. Idiot – he never understood art. Thought art was meant to last forever – like I said, he was an idiot, uhn. "
"But you do?"
Deidara grinned. "Art is a bang."
The silence fell between us again and I didn't dare to move, in case Deidara took it as a threat and decided to kill me. Then, suddenly, after another half hour of waiting, Deidara rose to his feet and began making something out of clay. I grew more and more terrified with each passing second – what if he was making some clay to blow me up in? My life would become another piece in his "art" collection. But, instead, Deidara transformed his clay into a gigantic life-sized bird capable of fitting three people on its back.
"You like, uhn," said Deidara. It wasn't a question.
"Yeah…"
He hopped on the bird's back and prepared to take flight. Fear over came me and I leapt forward to grab his sleeve. I was afraid of Deidara, but I even more afraid of being left alone.
"Take me with you!"
"No, uhn. You don't appreciate my art."
"Please!"
"No."
"Leader will punish you if I die! He'll take away all your clay and put you in time out!"
Deidara scowled. "You won't die if I leave you here."
"I will! I will! I'll drown myself if I have to!"
This was lie, of course, but I wasn't about to tell Deidara this. He considered my words for a moment and then, coming to a decision, grabbed my by the wrist and hoisted me up onto the bird behind him. The bird spread its wings and took flight. Almost immediately, I threw my arms around Deidara;s waist, petrified at the sudden height change.
"Uhn. Let go of me!"
Deidara tried to pry my fingers off, but I clung on tight, certain that if I let go, I would die.
The bird took us across the lake, soaring over the glassy surface. However, I did not have time to enjoy the view since I was busy battling with Deidara. He was trying to sever my grip on him and I was trying desperately to hold on. We were stuck in the endless struggle on top of a rickety fly, clay bird – not the best situation.
"Get off me, you pervert!" cried Deidara through gritted teeth.
"No! I'll die! I'll die!"
"You'll die no matter what you do! This is sexual harassment! I'll sue you, you bitch! I'll rip out your stomach and replace it with a clay bomb and everything will explode and you guts and blood and–" (insert long series of threats here) "And you and your family and your friends and their families will all be dead with you guts used as splatter paint in my next masterpiece! That's what happens to perverts like you!"
I threw up. All over Deidara's Akatsuki robe. There is a reason I hide behind the sofa while Dessie and Hannah watch horror movies. Even the word "gore" is enough to make me vomit.
I swear, after taking one look at the green-brown vomit dripping down his robe, Deidara had every intention of killing me. He shoved me away from him, finally managing to break my grasp, and was reaching into his pouch for a ball of clay to stuff in my mouth. However, just as Deidara grabbed me by the collar and prepared to kill me…
WAOOOOOOOSH!
A few meters to our right, a gigantic scaly turtle came flying into the air.
It turned its amphibian head to stare at us, blinking its violet eyes in surprise. Then, it plummeted back towards the lake.
"What the hell…"
SPLOOOOOOSH!
An enormous wave of water sprayed at us from all directions. The force of the water slammed into, dragging me from my spot on the bird and, thankfully, saving me from Deidara's wrath. On the down side, I found myself hurtling towards the surface of the lake with no one to save me.
And then there was another "waooosh" and the turtle came flying towards the sky from below. Two strong arms wrap around me, catching me bridal-style.
The world was spinning wildly for a minute, and I focused mainly on trying not to puke again. But soon, the world came back into perspective and I managed to find the strength to open my eyes…and see this: The Three-Tailed beast is floating on top of the lake's surface, completely unconscious, with Deidara floating above on his clay bird covered in water and vomit. And, standing on top of the turtle with me in his arms was Tobi.
Rule Number Eight: Tobi is a good boy.