Chapter Nine: Bring Down the House

Rule Number Nine: Don't throw wild parties with the Akatsuki; they tend to party a little too well…

Hannah

Well, dear readers, you'll be happy to know (or at least I think you're happy to know) that we all arrived back at the Akatsuki hideout safe and sound – except for the jinchuriki. The tailed beasts were extracted and the two jinchuriki died. However, on a happier note, the Akatsuki members were allowed a short vacation until the next time they drove Leader mad and he decided to get rid of them.

Well, on one particular Saturday of this vacation, the Akatsuki was bored. They lounged about the living room with absolutely nothing to do on a blisteringly hot day. And poor Kate, Dessie, and I…we were stuck in the middle of all this.

Deidara, growing bored with the game of poker that Kakuzu and Kisame were engaged in, decided the best way to rid himself of boredom was to blow something up. Unfortunately for us, that something happened to be Tobi. The first bomb went off and there came a high pitched scream from the other side of the room. Then, Tobi came bolting over to cower behind Kate and I (Dessie was in the bathroom at this particular moment).

"Tobi is innocent! Tobi is innocent! Please don't kill Tobi, Deidara-Senpai!"

"Don't hide behind us!" I yelled, jumping out of the way.

Kate however stood completely still, her freckly face a vivid shade of red.

Inwardly, I groaned. Deidara had begun setting off little bombs which chased Tobi around the room, conveniently distracting the Akatsuki. I grabbed Kate by the arm and hauled her to the far corner of the room.

"Kate…" I said warningly.

"What is it?" she asked, recovering from her earlier blush.

"You wouldn't happen to have a thing for Tobi…would you?"

Almost instantaneously, Kate's face turned to a shade that resembled a tomato and she looked at the ground nervously. "I-i-i-is it that o-o-obvious?"

"You–"

At that very moment, the door of the living room flew open and Dessie stormed inside, stretching. "Man that felt good!" she cried. "I needed to take a dump!"

"No one wants to hear about your affair with the toilet!" shouted Kisame over his shoulder.

"Shut up, Fish F–"

I clamped and hand over Dessie's mouth and dragged her over to the corner where Kate and I had been talking. At the sound of "Fish F–" Kisame whipped around to glare at Dessie. "What did you just say!"

"Nothing!" I called out, seemingly innocent.

"That's what I thought." Kisame returned to his game of Texas Hold 'Em (which Dessie taught them) and continued to lose to Kakuzu.

Back in our corner of the room, Kate, Dessie, and I continued to hold council.

"What do you want me for?" Dessie snapped.

"Kate has a thing for Tobi."

Dessie stared. First at me, then at Kate, and finally at Tobi. "Shit, no way."

"Yes way."

Kate tried to intervene. "It's really not that big of a deal… I can l-l-like whoever I want to…"

"It is a big deal," said Dessie. "We don't want Tobi to go the same way as Patrick, Dan, Steven, Mark, Henry. Jo-Jo, Eddie, Mark the second, Matt, Mattie, Oliver, Edward, Mark the third, David, Scott, Renwick…Am I missing anyone?"

"Joe, Phillip, Geoff…" I supplied.

"That's right…Oh! Haden, Adam, Brett, and Finn!"

Kate shuffled her feet awkwardly. "You forgot Timmy."

Dessie snorted. "Yeah. We don't want Tobi to end up like them – and it's shittier because Tobi is an S-ranked criminal.

"I can't help it who I like!" wailed Kate.

"Well, help it, bitch!" snarled Dessie. "Or I'm not healing any broken heart – or broken bones for that matter."

"But D–" Kate stopped in mid sentence and stared in horror at a spot behind Dessie. Her face grew pale, and then turned rapidly to a shade of brilliant red. Both Dessie and I looked over their shoulders to see the bright orange mask of Tobi.

"What are all you little Nunu's talking about?" he asked cheerfully. "Tobi wants to know."

"Nunus?" I asked.

Tobi smiled (or what we thought was a smile). "Nunu."

"Nu…nu…?"

"Nunu."

"."

"Nunu."

"WHAT THE HELL!" screamed Dessie.

"N…u….n…u…." said Tobi slowly, cowering under Dessie's furious glare. "Tobi just wanted to call Dessie and Hannah nunus…"

"What about Kate?" I asked with slight curiosity.

Tobi glanced sidelong at Kate and shrunk away so that he was half hidden behind Dessie. "Tobi is afraid of Kate…"

"What!"

"Tobi is afraid of Kate. Kate is a normal person. Tobi is very afraid of normal people. Tobi is afraid of Kate."

Silence.

"Dear God," I cried in despair. "I'm going to die in this place!"

"Right there with you!" And with that, we left Tobi and Kate in their little corner, deciding it would be much more fun to join Kisame and Kakuzu in their game of poker. Well…I thought that. Dessie thought it would be fun ot jump on Itachi's lap while he was reading a very head book. Unfortunately for her, Itachi was prepared and before she could land in his lap, he smacked her over the head with the Encyclopedia of Genjutsu. Needless to say, Dessie was out of it for a few hours.

"So, who's winning?" I asked, turning my attention to Kisame and Kakuzu (I decided it was safer just to leave Dessie lying on the floor at Itachi's feet, at least she made a good footstool for him).

"Do you have to ask?" said Kisame gloomily.

"Just making conversation."

"I'm ready for this stupid vacation to end! Seven days and seven poker games – do you realize how much money I have lost!"

Kakuzu cackled. "Do you realize how much money I gain!"

"Er…it's around the same number, isn't it?" I asked.

"Two more days," said Kisame gritting his teeth. "November 3rd."

I froze, registering the date in my head. "November 3rd!"

"Yeah…"

"That means today is November 1st !"

"Yeah…"

"HANNAH!" We looked around to see Kate running across the room to my side, burying her face in my sleeve after her exceedingly awkward conversation with Tobi.

"Kate," I said, ignoring her dilemma. "It's November 1st."

She raised her head and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Seriously? It's November 1st? You mean we've been here for a whole month?"

I nodded solemnly.

"But then…" Kate hesitated. "We missed your nineteenth birthday!"

Again, I nodded.

"Birthday?" asked Deidara, leaning forward eagerly. "We missed someone's birthday?"

"October 21st," said Kate sadly. Then, suddenly, she perked up. "You know what this means!"

"No," said Kakuzu honestly.

She blinked. "What?"

"No, I don't know what this means."

Kate stored. "Oh…uh…"

"PARTY TIME!" Tobi jumped on top of the poker table and kicked all the coin stacks and cards to the floor. Immediately, he started to do some sort of mix between the chicken dance and the hokey-pokey. "TOBI LOVES PARTIES! CAN TOBI PLAN THE PARTY!"

"Er..sure…" I muttered.

"I want to help too!" cried Kate, her face turning a bright scarlet.

"Well…"

But Tobi had already hopped down from the table and grasped Kate by both hands, his earlier fear of her vanishing instantly. "Quickly, Kate! We'll need balloons and cake and music and sparklers and wrapping paper and presents and – streamers – and part harts that say Happy Birthday on them and a piñata and…"

I pressed my fingers to my temples and sighed. This was going to be a long night.

After seeing the final product of Tobi and Kate's work, I'd have to say they did an extraordinary job – for a five-year-old girl's party. The streamers were all pink and purple and white and were draped all over the living room with hot-pink balloon and glitter. The presents all looked suspiciously like dolls in princess wrapping paper, and Tobi forced me to wear a golden crown as the "Birthday Princess".

Of course, Hidan laughed his ass off at me, kindly referring to be as the Princess from Hell.

This was all fine though, since Dessie proceeded to beat the shit out of Hidan and he was forced to apologize in the name of Jashin-sama. (Point one for Warg worshippers).

At first, the whole event was rather dull. We sat around and at from a pink ice-cream cake (bubble gum flavor – ew). Then, Tobi brought out the piñata and the Akatsuki members, but it didn't last long since Deidara blew it up along with all the candy inside. Disappointed at the lack of sugar, Deidara switch targets and decided to make Tobi the new piñata. And at that point, Kisame returned with the alcohol and that's when my party went really wild.

Bottle of sake after bottle of sake, the Akatsuki drowned it. Of course, Hidan was the first one to get drunk (light weight) followed by Deidara.

I have to admit, it was a sight to see Hidan stagger over to Dessie, point a shaky finger at her and crying, "This town ain't big enough for the two of us!"

Dessie grabbed her own bottle of sake, downed it all in about three seconds, and broke the top of the bottle, bearing it in front of her as a weapon. "Say that again, Freddy the Spur!"

"I'm not Freddy the Spur!" shrieked Hidan, angrily.

"Then you are you?"

"I'm Goat Head Greg!"

"You're not Goat Head Greg – 'cause I'm Goat Head Greg! You're Freddy the Spur – now stick 'em up!" Dessie raised an imaginary finger gun and pointed it at Hidan.

"Over your dead body, Freddy the Spur!"

"You're Freddy the Spur – moron! You're dead body it's gonna be!" Dessie cackled evilly.

"You're Freddy the Spur!"

"No, you are!"

"I'm Goat Head Greg!"

Dessie cracked her knuckles threateningly. "I am Goat Head Greg!"

"This would be a so much more interesting conversation if I could follow it," said Kakuzu evilly.

Deidara was a much more interesting drunk than Hidan He wrapped his arms around Itachi's neck and settled himself in Itachi's lap (a feat even Dessie had been unable to do). "Hello, baby," said Deidara in a seductive voice. "What ya doin' tonight?"

Itachi opened his mouth to reply, but before he could get any further, Dessie came flying across the room to kick Deidara in the jaw, sending Deidata sprawling to the floor in agony.

"Don't touch my Sugar Daddy, you blond fur ball!" Then, Dessie flung her arms around Itachi's neck and planted a rather violent kiss on his lips.

Kisame laughed and started up a chant of "Rape him! Rape him! Rape him!" which the other Akatsuki members soon joined in on.

Itachi looked more stunned than anything else. He stared at Dessie for a minute, all brain function ceased. Then, coming back to reality, he punched her in the face and Dessie was out for the rest of the night.

The next person to fall victim to the charm of alcohol was Konan, surprisingly enough. And she was one of those bitchy drunks, you know. She slid up next to me on the couch, wrapping an arm around my shoulders to make sure I couldn't escape, and then she said, "This whole Akatsuki thing is such a dump. I don't know why I bother. I mean really, I am the assistant to the head of the Akatsuki and what do I get? You know what I get? Do you? Huh?"

I shook my head mutely.

"I'll tell you what I get! N-O-T-H-I-N-G. All I get is more shitty work. Does Leader do any work? Nooooo. Just me. I work and work and work in an organization that is all guys – except for me – and all I get are these fucking bitchy men over here who can't even tie their own shoes. And that's gratitude for you!"

On and on and on and on and on and on and on Konan talked. My ear was hurting by the time she finally fell asleep and collapsed on my shoulder. By that time, the entire Akatsuki was dead drunk.

"Itachi is my bitch!"

"No he's mine! Get off, Blondie!"

"Did you just call me Blondie, Shark Bait?"

"Yeah! What you going to do about it? Itachi is my bitch – he happens to like Shark Bait like me! Ain't that right, Itachi?"

Both Deidara and Kisame turned around to asked Itachi (the sole sober member on the Akatsuki) his opinion and found that the subject in question was no longer there, but was now sitting behind the sofa using the unconscious body of Dessie as a shield.

On the other side of the room, Kakuzu seemed to have convinced himself that he was dog and was now running in circles trying to chase after his 'tail'. Hidan stood above Kakuzu, cackling delightedly and still speaking in a Southern accent.

"Go, Bad-Ass Buck! Get those damn rotten criminals to the brink!"

Kakuzu barked.

"Atta boy!" cried Hidan, patting Kakuzu on the head.

Kate, on the other hand, was still sober (having sworn off of alcohol for all eternity after seeing a fine example from her birth father). However, she was holding a kitchen mop and trying to fend off Zetsu, who became very hungry after so much alcohol.

"Look at the juicy flesh." (This is the black half speaking)

"So fair and white…" (This is the white half)

"A little blotchy though, bit I imagine it will taste the same…"

"Yummy…Food…"

Kate screamed and tried to poke Zetsu in the head. Unfortunately, the Venus fly trap around him snapped close on the mop handle, snapping it in two. Kate dropped the mop and ran away shrieking. She jumped onto the back of Tobi, begging for help.

Tobi, of course, ended up being one of those Switch-A-Roo Drunks, who, when sober is all happy and playful and then, under the influence of alcohol, becomes a bad boy with a dark attitude.

"Get off me, bitch. There's no time for fun and games," Tobi said in a surprisingly deep voice.

Completely shocked by this change, Kate slid off his back and gawped at him. "What did you just say?"

"We have a case to solve, Eliza," said Tobi. "The Chimney Sweep Murderer is getting away. We have to act fast and act strong – we can't let that son-of-a-bitch walk! You get me, Eliza?"

Kate nodded mutely.

"Let's go!" Tobi grabbed her by the wrist and started dragging her around the room in search of the Chimney Sweep Murderer. "Detective Tobin McGee" never let a case go unsolved with the help of his trusty, albeit a little clumsy, partner "Eliza".

And then, finally, we had Leader who is, as we have now discovered, a closet pervert.

He found Itachi, who was cowering under Dessie body and cried, "What a pretty little lady, would you like to come over for a bite to eat?"

"Uh…"

Itachi seemed as confused as I felt. Apparently Leader had not realized Dessie was unconscious. Unfortunately for us, it appeared Itachi had some sort of heart, because he chose to save Dessie's chastity by kicking Leader in the face and knocking the man unconscious.

Poor me, I sat in the middle of this mess with Konan still clinging me to the sofa. And, as the only same person left in the room, I feel I have the right to declare Rule Number Nine: Don't let the Akatsuki throw wild parties…ever – they tend to party a little too well.

Desperation taking over, I grabbed the closest bottle of sake and down the whole thing in one go. Man that stuff made the world spin. And, with no regret at all, I let the alcohol do its thing – and, in hind sight, I would have to say that was the biggest mistake of the night. Because, when I woke up the next morning, I discovered there was indeed a hell and that I was in it.