Chapter Eleven: Declaration of Love

Rule Number Eleven: Don't fall for the Akatsuki; S-ranked criminals don't make good boyfriends

Kate

Hello, wonderful readers! Did you miss me? I missed you terrible. But we're all happy again since the story has returned to my point of view.

Now, as you all know I have developed a passionate love for Tobi. I mean, look at him! He's tall and handsome…practically oozing manliness with his strong shoulders and soft, dark hair that sparkles in the sunlight like the feathers on a crow. And then, he wears that mask. Dessie and Hannah consider his mask to be creepy, but in truth it only adds to his charm making him appear mysterious and shadowy. He's probably hiding the most handsome face under there, one that resembles the bust of Michelangelo's David…Strong and secure and manly.

"Look! Look! Hannah-Nunu! Tobi made you a flower chain!"

Yes, I still think he's manly. What I don't understand is why Tobi sticks to Hannah and Dessie like glue, but he won't give me a second glance.

A pained expression crossed my face as I watched Tobi place a flower-chain crown a top Hannah's head and she pushed it off calling Tobi an "irritating pissy-pants". Why couldn't that be me receiving the flower chain instead of her?

"Someone looks a little lonely…"

I looked up to see Kisame leaning over the squishy armchair behind me. It was a week after the Hannah-Zetsu incident and the Akatsuki had sold us to another brothel to earn some money. Now, we were sitting around on a gray Wednesday playing poker and eating potato chips. I sat in the airchair, watching Tobi and Hannah play around and now, Kisame was talking to me.

"I'm not lonely," I said determinedly.

"Come on now, I'm partners with Itachi – I can tell when someone's lonely or not."

There was no arguing with this logic, so instead, I chose to ignore Kisame.

"Is it love troubles?"

I cringed.

"Ah-ha! So it is love troubles." Kisame hopped onto the armrest of the chair and patted me comfortingly on the head. "Well, my little non-nunu, speak up because Kisame the Love Guru is here to help."

"Love Guru?"

"That's right. Kisame the Love Guru is here to help and don't worry, I have a one-hundred percent success rate!" Kisame grinned proudly. "So, non-nunu, who is the lucky guy?"

My face turned bright red and I stared at my sneakers, afraid to speak. "T-T-T-Tobi…"

Kisame snorted.

"Hey…"

"Tobi it is then" he said, recovering from his laughter. "Well, then, the first thing we must do is give you an opportunity to confess your feelings."

"Confess my feelings!" I cried out in horror. "But whenever I did that in the past, the guys ran away. Some of the time screaming…"

Kisame glanced at me awkwardly and then shrugged. "Tobi is a member of the Akatsuki, one of the most feared criminal organizations in the world if not the most – he won't run away screaming if someone confessed to him… I think…"

"See," I muttered "It's hopeless…"

"No cause is hopeless if there is one fool left to fight for them," said Kisame wisely. "And you and I, my little non-nunu, will be those fools."

What have I gotten myself into?

The first thing Kisame did was get Konan to dress me up prettily. She put me in a shy-blue kimono and put my hair up in a bun…I looked ridiculous, like a little girl playing dress up (even Kisame had to agree). So, after that waste of time, I changed back to my usual clothes of jeans and a t-shirt.

Then, Kisame lured Tobi into the kitchen to make some chocolate chip cookies and then he sent me in after Tobi to confess.

"Hello…T-T-T-Tobi…" I stammered, blushing furiously.

He glanced up and screamed.

"What!" I cried, jumping around nervously. "What is it?"

"Oh… Sorry… Tobi thought you were a komodo dragon…"

"A…what?"

At that moment, Tobi was distracted when the oven exploded and smoke came billowing out the sides. With a scream, Tobi grabbed a glass of water and dumped it inside the oven, trying to put the fire out. When he managed to do so successfully, he pulled out a tray of blackened cookies.

"Oopsies…Kisame-senpai will be disappointed – would Kate like some?"

I fled the room.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number One: FAIL.

For the next attempt, Kisame sent Tobi outside to pick some flowers and then sent me to assist him. Tobi skipped through the meadow singing the FUN song (Dessie taught him that) while I shuffled nervously beside him. Maybe Tobi would make me a flower chain too…

Tobi glanced shyly at me and said softly, "Kate…"

"Y-y-y-yes?" I stammered.

"What kinds of flowers does Hannah like? She didn't like the daisies I gave her earlier…"

"Um…maybe some daffodils…"

"Ah-ha!" Tobi skipped off to go find some daffodils, leaving me standing in the middle of the meadow quite alone.

This is not working, I thought miserably. I'm too shy to ever confess and Tobi is too busy wrapped up in thinking about Dessie and Hannah to care about me…

"AHHHH!"

Tobi came sprinting through the clearing as fast as his skinny legs could carry him. "KATE RUN!"

Behind him came a swarm of angry, buzzing bees.

The two of us ran all the way back to the hideout screaming our lungs out all the way.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number Two: FAIL.

Kisame called a meeting. Him, Konan (I wasn't sure why she was there), and I sat on top of Konan's bed and held council.

"This is not working," said Kisame grimly. "Kate's too shy and Tobi is an idiot. What should we do about this? Any suggestions? Konan?"

"Why am I here?" she asked.

"Since you leant us your kimono you are now part of the conspiracy."

Konan rolled her eyes. "I have work to do – unlike you nut jobs, I actually do work." And with that, she got off the bed and stormed out of the room. She paused at the doorway and added, "Use your own bedroom, Kisame!"

"Itachi's in there."

"I don't give a damn, get out of my room!" and she left.

Kisame shrugged, turning his attention back to me. "The pressure became too much for dear Konan, and I must admit, this is the hardest case the Love Guru has ever had to crack. But don't worry my non-nunu! Kisame will help your love grow and blossom."

"Dear God, what I think my ears have shriveled up and died!"

We both turned to see Dessie standing in the door, gawping at Kisame. "Did those words really just come out of your mouth – and here I thought you were one of the few sane members of the Akatsuki!"

"This is coming from the girl who screams 'hottie' every time she sees Itachi," grumbled Kisame. "Kate and I – Kisame the Love Guru – are planning to get her to confess to Tobi."

Dessie laughed maniacally and hopped on the bed in Konan's spot. "This sounds like fun, count me in!"

I sighed heavily. "Why do a keep getting a bad feeling about this?"

"Don't get wet-feet on us now," said Dessie, patting me on the back. "No offense Kisame."

"None taken. I'm more concerned about how we should get Kate to confess…or, the more difficult question of how should we get Tobi to shut up and listen…"

"We could tie him down while Kate confesses…" said Dessie thoughtfully.

Kisame considered this. "It's worth a shot."

It was a waste of time.

Kisame and Dessie spent about two hours chasing Tobi around the hideout. Tobi, of course, thought it was a game and danced about laughing childishly. And then, to make matters worse, Deidara thought everyone had decided it was finally time to hunt down Tobi and burn him to bits.

So, in the end, we had a giant shark-man with a spiked sword, an insane blond fur ball that set off bombs every two seconds, and a violent stalker chick who kept trying to kick people in their "weak spots" all chasing after a giggling man in an orange mask. I was so embarrassed that when they finally caught Tobi and tied him down; I squeaked in fear and ran away.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number Three: FAIL.

"This is retarded." Dessie announced.

We sat on Kisame's bed in the room he shared with Itachi – or, more accurately, Kisame and I sat on Kisame's bed while Dessie sat on top of Itachi's lap while he tried to read. Eventually, however, Kisame picked Dessie up and carried her across the room before Itachi could murder her.

"What do we do now?" asked Dessie, disappointed that she had been separated from the hottie.

"I don't know," said Kisame, slouching back against his pillows. "The Love Guru is out of ideas…"

"Why don't you just shove them in a closet together and lock the door."

We all turned to stare at Itachi.

"What did you just say?" Kisame asked incredulously.

"Shove. In. .Lock. Doors. Not hard." Itachi glared at the three of us. "I just want you all out of my room."

Kisame, Dessie, and I exchanged approving looks. Then, excitedly, Kisame hopped off the bed, grabbing Dessie and I by the wrists and dragging us out of the room with a cry of, "The Love Guru is back in action!"

We found Tobi about a minute later as he tried to explain why the oven was broke to Leader. Kisame simply grabbed Tobi, ignoring the Leader's shouts of anger and tossed Tobi into the nearest closet with me not far behind. There was the sound of a lock clicking as we stood there in total darkness awkwardly.

"Tobi doesn't like the dark…"

"Er…Um… T-T-Tobi…" I stammered, trying to get the words out. Thankfully it was dark so that no one could see my extraordinarily bright blush. "Tobi…I-I-I have something to tell you."

"Are you Tobi's conscience?"

"Yes – no – what!" I cried.

"My conscience isn't very smart…"

"No! No! I'm not your conscience! I'm Kate! Kate! Remember me!"

"Kate…" said Tobi thoughtfully. "Tobi remembers Kate. Why is Kate standing in a closet with Tobi?"

"Er…W-w-well…You see… Kisame and Dessie threw us in a closet together!" I cursed myself for having such a weak resolve.

"Why would they do a silly thing like that?"

"B-b-b-because I want to tell you that I love you!" I could die of embarrassment, but already my mouth had begun to move on its own. "I think you're really amazing and funny and attractive and manly… And if there's one thing I love about a man, it is that he's bright and cheerful…And, I really, really love you, Tobi!"

Silence.

Tobi didn't move. I felt nervous, wondering if perhaps he was figuring out how best to reject me. Or maybe he was so in love with me that my declaration had stunned him into silence…

Finally, when I could stand it no longer, I screamed, "Well say something!"

And then, Tobi spoke. Only it wasn't Tobi. His voice was deeper and more serious, with none of Tobi's childlike tunes to it. "I understand your confession; however, I am not truly like that."

"Eh?"

"My name is actually Uchiha Madara and I plan to get revenge on Konoha and take over the world – I am nothing like the…cheerful, happy man you know to be Tobi. I have no feelings for you and only want to use you as a pawn in my plans to take over the world. Understand?"

I stared through the darkness, unable to make out the face of Tobi.

Silence stretched between us and then…

"Oh my gawd! Really?"

"Er…yes…"

"Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, oh my gawd – you know!" I cried excitedly. "The one thing I love more than a happy, cheerful guy is a bad-ass villain with plans for world domination – it is so hot!"

Silence.

"Tobi wants out of the closet – now!"

The door flew off, wood splinters flying in all directions and the masked Tobi went sprinting out of the closet, screaming at the top of his lungs, "Nunu! Tobi needs his nunus!"

I stood there, alone in the dark closet, rejected once again.

Declaration of Love Attempt Number Four: FAIL.

And so, with a broken heart, I tell you Rule Number Eleven: Don't ever, ever, ever fall in love with an Akatsuki member – they are S-ranked criminals with only world domination at heart, and they make really shitty boyfriends.