Chapter Twelve: A Shocking Twist

Rule Number Twelve: Avoid Deidara's explosions, they are spasmodic and are almost always fatal.

Hannah

Good day, dear readers and welcome to my head. Today is Friday the 3rd of December, which, as it turns out, is a rather chilly day. The snow had not yet started to fall, but it was bitterly cold. However, for the sake of food for the next week, Konan, Deidara, Dessie, and I bundled up in layer upon layer of clothing and battled the winter weather to go to a nearby market and buy food supplies.

It was a good hour long walk to the market and by the time we got there Deidara swore he had frost bite in three different toes.

To begin with, our trip to the market was rather boring. Dessie got into fights with random strangers, Deidara tried to blow up everything in sight, and Konan ignored it all and continued working.

Then, Deidara discovered an art store.

Now, I don't know how well you know Deidara, but when you mix a psychotic pyromaniac who thinks blowing things into smithereens is art with an art store where paint of paper is pretty – there are issues. Big issues.

So, Deidara, for some stupid reason known only to him, grabbed me by the wrist and hauled me over in the direction of the art store. It looked like a nice place from what I could tell. A simple little shop with statues and sculptures in the window and on the inside were some paintings and abstract pieces that make no sense to anyone but the artist, but the store seemed nice enough. Of course, Deidara didn't agree.

"How should we blow the place up?" he asked me excitedly.

I sighed heavily. "You're the artist.

"I know. I'm just thinking aloud. Maybe a clay snake could slither in and scare the shit out of them before exploding…nah that's too Orochimaru."

"Orochimaru?" I asked.

"Some crazy-ass snake dude who used to be a part of the Akatsuki before I joined." Deidara shrugged. "He's old news."

"Oh…What happened to him?"

"He quit. I think he's some old geezer now who sits in a cave and watches child porn… Oh! I know! What about if I make miniature clay figures of the Akatsuki and have them waddle into the shop before blowing them all into tiny little bits?"

I stared at Deidara. "Well…that's certainly creative… Do you, perhaps, have some anger issues or suppressed emotions?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," I said innocently. "Nothing at all."

Deidara shrugged and sat down beside the art store to begin making his mini Akatsuki members. I slid down to sit beside him and watched for awhile, semi-interested in how he made the figures. He was pretty darn good as an artist, I had to admit; his sculptures, thought only two inches in height, were as realistic as could be, down to the last minute detail.

"You really do have hands on your palms…" I muttered as I watched him work.

Deidara paused, glanced at his hands, and then nodded before continuing his work. "Yeah, why? Uhn."

"No reason. Kate told Dessie and me about them and now we're all curious. I…er…Kate reckons you practice making out with your hands and Dessie thinks you use them when…you aren't getting enough…" I smother my giggled into a cough and quickly look away. Deidara was glaring at me now.

"I do not do things like that with my hands," he said coldly.

"I didn't think you did…"

We sat in silence for while, and, finally, Deidara finished his mini Akatsuki sculptures. Roughly, he grabbed me by the shoulder and we strolled in side the shop. Deidara placed his little sculptures around the store. Then, the two of us slipped out and found a spot a safe distance away.

"You ready for this?" said Deidara eagerly.

I nodded.

He raised two fingers and grinned maliciously. "Katsu!"

The art store exploded.

I'm pretty sure several people died, but Deidara didn't care about that. He leapt to his feet and flipped out the desecrated art store with a cry of, "Art is a BANG!" Then, the two of us bounded off to the market to find Konan.

Akatsuki Survival Guide Rule Number Twelve: Avoid Deidara's explosions; they tend to be loud, fiery, and almost always fatal.

Konan was in the fruit and vegetable section trying to find suitable ingredients for a salad. Deidara pulled a face and begged her not to make any (he had an ongoing grudge against all things green and, after being married to Zetsu, I had to agree). So, Konan passed up the lettuce and broccoli and about some fruits instead.

Suddenly, I looked around and asked, "Where's Dessie?"

Konan shrugged. "She was with me a minute ago."

"Where'd she go? To get food?" I wondered.

Deidara looked around too, but couldn't find her either. While Konan finished up her shopping, Deidara and I searched the market for Dessie, but we couldn't find her. We returned to Konan with no news and she looked mildly distressed.

"Well, that's not good. I hope Dessie didn't decide to run off with some 'hottie' and leave us here…"

I considered this. Knowing Dessie, this answer is highly possible. Maybe even probable.

But, before we could consider this possibility any further, two men appeared before us, smirking evilly. One was a familiar looking young man with black hair which strongly resembled a cockatoo's ass. The second man was slightly older with gray hair and glasses. I had no clue who either of them were, but Deidara seemed to have a very good idea.

"What do you want, Sasuke?" Deidara snapped.

Sasuke (the dark haired one) stared at Deidara silently, his expression cold.

The other man (his name, I discovered later on was Kabuto) spoke instead, "We have kidnapped your follower."

"Our follower?" asked Deidara curiously. He glanced at me in confusion and shrugged. "We don't have a follower."

"The violent girl with a loud mouth."

"Oooooh. You mean Dessie! That Violent Stalker Chick? You can keep her." Deidara began turning away, dragging me with him.

"Orochimaru will kill her," said Kabuto icily.

"That's nice," said Deidara, waving a hand over his shoulder. I tried to turn back, after all despite her oddities, Dessie was my friend. However, Deidara kept a firm hold on my shoulder and dragged me away from Sasuke and Kabuto.

"I'll trade her for Itachi."

This time it was Sasuke who spoke. His voice rung familiar in my mind, though I could not put my finger on what was so similar about them. Deidara kept me walking and, though I struggled to be free, he refused to let go.

"And everything goes boom," he whispered in my ear. "Katsu!"

And, as according to Deidara's prediction, everything did go boom. Behind us, where Kabuto and Sasuke had been standing, the market was dissolved in a fiery explosion. Deidara burst out laughing, delightful to get to do some damage, but when I looked over my shoulders neither Sasuke nor Kabuto could be seen. Explosions were fun, but they were better when they killed the right people.

Deidara, Konan, and I finally reached the Akatsuki hideout after walking the whole way. I had insisted oh running, but Deidara and Konan refused, seeming rather relaxed about the whole thing.

"So who are those people?" I asked for the umpteenth time.

"Sasuke Uchiha and Kabuto Yakushi," said Konan.

"Sasuke Uchiha? As in…he's related to Itachi Uchiha?" I asked credulously. "Then why was he ransoming Dessie for Itachi?"

"Because Sasuke hates Itachi," explained Konan patiently.

"Why?"

"Itachi killed off his entire clan except for his little brother Sasuke – probably had a brain seizure right tnen. So Sasuke got all pissy at his brother and spent his entire life devoting himself to revenge so that he eventually sold his body to Orochimaru, our creepy ex-Akatsuki member," snapped Deidara.

I considered this for a moment. "So Sasuke is Orochimaru's bitch?"

"Yep."

"Oohhhh. Why didn't you say so?"

We reached the door of the Akatsuki hideout and stepped inside. Almost immediately we ran into Hidan. He took one look at the three of us and said, "Where's the violent stalker chick?"

"Shut got kidnapped by Sasuke-bitch," supplied Deidara. Konan slipped by to drop the groceries off in the kitchen.

Hidan snorted. "What an idiot. Who would be pathetic enough to get kidnapped by Sasuke-bitch?"

"What about my brother?" Itachi appeared beside Hidan, scanning the Deidara and I before asking, "Where's my stalker?"

"Your stalker was kidnapped by your brother who is now ransoming you stalking for you," explained Deidara.

Konan poked her head out of the kitchen and called out, "Leader is calling a meeting, Be there in three minutes or he'll tear out your brains put them in the blender, mix them with some parsley, and serve them as soup to Zetsu for a midnight snack."

"What kind of idiot would be kidnapped by my brother?" asked Itachi.

"That's what I said!" cried Hidan indignantly.

"Knowing Dessie she probably took one look at Sasuke face, thought of Itachi, and agreed to go with him," I pointed out.

"Oh yeaaaah…."

Everyone headed off to the meeting room where the Akatsuki had gathered (plus Kate). We formed a circle around Leader, who stood at his desk with Konan beside him.

"So," said Leader, addressing the Akatsuki. "Dessie has been kidnapped by Orochimaru."

"Poor nunu!" cried out Tobi in horror.

"She's probably being sexually harassed right now," added Kakuzu. "Our whore should do a good job satisfying him.

"It can't be any worse than being under Leader," Hidan pointed out, recalling the drunken perverseness of Leader. "Besides, if Orochimaru got anywhere near her, she'd probably scream 'ugly' and kick him in the balls."

"He doesn't have any, remember," pointed out Deidara.

"And you would know," muttered Kisame.

"Say that again to my face, Fish Food," snarled Deidara, rounding on Kisame with a ball of clay.

"And you would know that he doesn't have any b–"

"Shut up!" snapped Leader. "I am trying to solve the whole issue and you lot keep gabbling on about Orochimaru and perverts and all this shit. What happened to the good old days where criminals had pure minds! Where the one and only thing they thought about was world domination and torture. Now all these criminals can think about is sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll."

Everyone stared.

"Ahem," continued Leader as if nothing had happened. "Now, my solution to this whole crisis is…we do nothing."

"What!" cried Kate and I. "What about Dessie?"

Leader considered this. "Quite frankly, I don't care. She was only here so we could sell her to brothels for money."

"Hear! Hear!" said Kakuzu appreciatively.

"So you don't care at all?" I asked.

"Not really. I mean, I'd much rather her die than any of the Akatsuki and a rescue mission would be too risky…"

I groaned aloud. The saddest part was all the Akatsuki was nodding in agreement. Apparently, after a good two months here, we still had absolutely no value to them. Well, what did I expect from the world's most dangerous criminals?

"Well, Leader," I said, addressing him directly. "I understand how you feel about Dessie – her death would do us all a favor – but, may I point out, that she knows the location of the Akatsuki base. And if you don't rescue her from the clutches of Orochimaru, her tongue might just slip…"

Leader stared at me.

I stared back.

He seemed to struggle with himself for a bit, and then, with a very heavy sigh, he said, "Fine. Go get her back."

I smiled. Blackmail always wins out.