Chapter 13: A Perfect Specimen

Rule Number Thirteen: Try and avoid ex-Akatsuki member Orochimaru – he's a bit of a creep. It's no wonder the Akatsuki couldn't wait to get rid of him.

Dessie

I haven't actually talked to you in a long time, beautiful readers, so I will start this part of the story with a "Hello, how are you doing today?" "Good? What about me? Me too. In fact I am having a fucking fantastic day." "Why, you ask. Because even though I am bound from head to toe, I am looking at the face of an incredible HOTTIE!"

I had been in the market dawdling a little behind Konan when this hottie-in-miniature with black hair and black eyes who reminded me of Itachi. So, I agreed to go with him. After all, it takes a stronger woman than me to be able to rest the wishes of a mini-hottie.

Well, unfortunately for me mini-hottie happened to be travelling with some ugly-ass by the name of Kabuto. So, on one hand I have the perfect eye candy and on the other I had someone who looks like something a dog shit out. Ah, the things I have to put up with for the sake of hotties…

Now, however, it turns out the mini-hottie and Kabuto were taking me to a new hideout, one belonging to some dude name Orochimaru (gawd, that's a mouth full). So, bound and gagged, they dragged me across the country in the direction of this dude's hideout. At least they had the decency to feed me (I'm pretty sure the Akatsuki weren't that kind to their prisoners). However, it was not mini-hottie who fed me, but that shitty Kabuto.

"Get your ugly mug out of my face, asshole!" I shouted trying to bite his nose off whenever he got near me.

Kabuto glowered at me, his eyes flashing dangerously red. But I have not lived with the Akatsuki for two months for nothing. This guy may be on scary piece of shit, but to me – he was nothing.

"Get the mini-hottie over here," I snapped. "I want to be fed by the mini-hottie."

Kabuto twisted around to stare at Sasuke and then he turned back to me. "Mini-hottie?"

"Yeah! Itachi's the hottie and Sasuke's the mini-hottie!"

Almost immediately Sasuke was next to me, his pretty little face crumpled up in anger. However, he put his face real close to mine and glowered into my eyes. "Where's Itachi?"

I smiled and pecked him on the lips (he was just asking for it). "Nuh-uh. I'm not allowed to tell anyone." And then I added in a whisper, "The Akatsuki would kill me."

Sasuke leapt away, wiping my saliva off his lips. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I giggled gleefully. "Everything."

Sasuke hit me over the head and I fell over, unconscious.

When I next awoke, I was lying in a room with stone walls. There were no windows, only a door on the opposite side of the room from me. I was no longer tied up, at least. Rubbing my tender head, I got up from the ground and tried to door. It was, of course, locked. Wearily, I sat back down on the ground and decided to wait.

"Mini-hottie!" I called out. "Where are you, mini-hottie? You have abandoned me!"

Of course, Sasuke didn't reply.

Instead, there the click of an opening lock sounded through the room, and then the door slid out as two men walked into the room. One was Sasuke, who caught my eye immediately, while the other was a tall, white faced man with long, slimy black hair. The definition of ugly.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked.

The guy stared at me for the longest time before saying, "I am Orochimaru – ex-Akatsuki member. And you are…?"

"Why should I tell you?"

A long, pink tongue flicked out of Orochimaru's mouth. It twisted and squirmed like a living snake, wriggling excitedly as if trying to get closer to me. Rule Number Thirteen: avoid Orochimaru. There is a reason he is no longer and Akatsuki member, and it has nothing to do with the tongue (I think).

"Now, that's just disgusting."

Orochimaru ignored my comment. "Who are you?"

"You kidnapped me and you don't know who I am? That's lazy, and laziness is one of the seven deadly sins – along with pride, greed, gluttony, anger, envy, and lust – and, looking at you, I'd say you're doing pretty well on the bad end of the chart."

I swear Sasuke was smirking (or, at least, I hope he was).

"You do realize," said Orochimaru icily. "That I am one of the most fear shinobi in the whole world. I have mastered all forbidden jutsu and killed the Hokage. I could rip you insignificant self to tiny little bite sized pieces and eat you for breakfast – do you really want to defy me?"

I considered this for a second. "Yeah, yeah I do."

"Who are you?"

"Listen, Medusa," I said, enjoying my use of Orochimaru's new nickname. "I have lived with the Akatsuki for two months. You can be the most bad-ass bitch in the world, but guess what – you can't scare me. You want to know who I am? My name is Desdemona Lee, the Akatsuki's fake prostitute."

"Is that something to be proud of?" asked Orochimaru incredulously.

I grinned. "Yeah, Medusa, it is."

"Will you cut it out with the 'Medusa' thing already!"

"Make me."

"I am the–"

"You've already said you're a bad-ass ninja and all that crap. Why don't you tell me something worth while before I beat the shit out of you?" I folded my arms and sat back against the wall of my cell. I glared at Orochimaru and he glared back – it was showdown time.

Orochimaru gave in first. He turned to Sasuke and asked, "Is she serious!"

"Hn." (Mini-hottie and hottie are definitely related)

Orochimaru turned back to me. "Why the hell would the Akatsuki – one of the most feared criminal organizations in the world – keep a useless bitch like you around…Are you blackmailing them?"

I grinned. "And what if I was?"

Slowly, Orochimaru crept closer to me, his tongue flipping about more wildly. "Come on, baby, you can tell me." (Warg! he might be more perverted than Leader….)

"I'll tell you what I'm blackmailing them with," I said. "But, there is a price."

"What? I let you go?" Orochimaru seemed a little put off by this.

"Hell, no!" I snapped. "If I wanted to get out of here, it'd only be too easy."

Orochimaru and Sasuke exchanged masked glances. Then, Orochimaru turned back to me. "What do you mean by that?"

Using the wall as support, I rose to my feet and placed my hands on my hips, smirking (the perfect bitch pose). "I told you, Medusa; it's because I am Dessie, the Akatsuki's fake prostitute. They don't keep me around for nothing. My specialty is running around like an idiot, screaming like a banshee, and breaking out of whorehouses. No prison can keep me in!"

They stared at me, unable to comprehend my magnificence.

"Okay then…" said Orochimaru, edging away slightly. "So what do you want in exchange for blackmailing information…?"

I grinned and licked my lips. "I want…Mini-Hottie!"

More stares.

"Mini…hottie?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "That's right, Medusa. That perfect little specimen over there with black hair and black eyes – with a body built like Adonis and that luscious hairstyle that reminds me so fondly of a duck's behind. Is he not an angel fallen from heaven to give me the divine image of my soul mate hottie, in a mini form? Ah! What I would not give to be in possession of such a specimen. He would make a perfect edition to my perfect collection…"

Sasuke was starting to make a bee line to the door, but he stopped dead when Orochimaru replied.

"Oh, I know! Sasuke is an ideal body. I risked many lives to get my hands on him – lost all of the Sound Five…But he came to me in the end, and it was worth it. His abilities, his skill, his face and form…they're all flawless." Orochimaru's tongue flicked about the place, wild with excitement. "Adonis you say? He puts Adonis to shame! Sasuke… my Sasuke…"

His Sasuke looked repulsed and quickly escaped through the door. Orochimaru remained, regarding me in a new light.

"You seem to have good taste in specimens," said Orochimaru appreciatively.

"I would like to think so."

"Would you like to see the rest of my…collection?"

If he meant a collection of hotties, I was so up for it. I nodded enthusiastically and Orochimaru led me out the door, quite confident that if I tried to escape he could overcome me. So, I followed quietly throughout the halls. He led me down a set of stairs to a basement where tall cylinders filled with water and other concoctions lay in wait. Figures drifted within the water vessels, morphed and transfigured according to Orochimaru's liking.

"Impressed?" he asked excitedly.

I stood in front of one cylinder which contained a naked woman with long, blue hair. Her skin, however, was not that of humans, but made of a fish scales and she had gills.

"Well," I said slowly. "I'm not interested in women experiments…"

"True," said Orochimaru. "I don't care either way."

"Right." I shifted away slightly.

So, Orochimaru led me to the other side of the room where a man was drifting inside his own tank, which was filled with water. Tubes led from his mouth and he was tied in place, like a dangerous criminal (something I was quite knowledgeable of). The man was gorgeous if I do say so myself. He had snow-white hair with vivid purple eyes. His body was shaped nicely and ripped with muscles. I was practically drooling at the sight of him.

"Is he not divine?" asked Orochimaru,

"Me likey…"

"He could almost – almost, mind you – rival Sasuke. Of course, Sasuke is the perfect specimen and hard to rival."

I nodded excitedly. "What is Snow Hottie's name?"

"Snow Hottie?" asked Orochimaru incredulously. "You named him Snow Hottie?"

"Yep. Because of his pretty, pretty white hair. Waaaaaah! I wanna pet it and stroke it…My precious, precious Snow Hottie…" I glanced over at Orochimaru and cringed at his ugliness. "So what is Snow Hottie's name?"

"Suigetsu."

Eagerly, I pressed my face against the glass cylinder and gazed up at Suigetsu in all his mysterious god-like perfection. Through the tank water his vivid purple eyes gazed back unblinkingly. "Between Mini-Hottie and Snow Hottie…" I sighed heavily. "I am in heaven, baby!"