Chapter Fourteen: Rescue Gone Astray

Rule Number Fourteen: Try not to let siblings get in the way of rescue missions; it leads to sticky and unnecessary situations.

Kate

Compared to the Akatsuki hideout I had been living in for the two months, Orochimaru's place was a dump. It was inside of a cave – a deep, dark cave with rock walls and moss lining the sides. According to Leader, who had been given updates on Orochimaru from Sasori, there were three entrances to the hideout. So, the Akatsuki members were divided, once again, into three teams: Hannah, Deidara, and Tobi in one group, Kisame, Itachi, and I in another, with Kakuzu and Hidan in the final group.

I stood outside the main entrance with Kisame and Itachi, staring at the pitch-black entrance of the hideout.

My first experience with the pair had involved at lot of threats, finding out Kisame was half-shark and that Itachi had killed off his entire clan. So now that I actually spent some time alone with the two of them, I was absolutely petrified. Dessie had warned me that Kisame was a pervert who preyed on big, busty woman (so I had nothing to worry about) and that Itachi was a workaholic (but even then, Dessie warned me, if I so much as looked at Itachi twice, she would kick me so hard I would wake up in next week with teeth missing).

I glanced back at the cave entrance and felt a shiver run down my spine. Going into dark, enclosed spaces with two mass murders was not my idea of fun – even if it was a rescue mission.

"Are we really going in there?" I asked.

"Hn." (You can guess who this is)

"Yep." (Kisame… I had a bit of a grudge against him after the whole "love guru" incident).

"Maybe I should wait outside and keep a look out…"

Kisame grabbed me roughly by the shoulder and guided me 'gently' towards the cave entrance. Itachi followed behind the two of us, his expression as neutral as always.

"Come along, my non-nunu," said Kisame cheerfully. "We'll protect you from all of Oro-Ugly's bad men."

"Oro-Ugly?"

"It's Tobi's nickname for Orochimaru. It is one of the few genius things he has ever said." Kisame laughed.

"Is he really that bad?" I asked.

Kisame and Itachi both laughed aloud. I'd take that as a 'yes'.

The cave was dark and slimy and rather gross. Water dripped down from the ceiling, echoing noisily as it landed on the stone floor. I sipped and slid along the ground, grateful for the hand Kisame had on my shoulder for it kept me from falling flat on my face. After awhile, I grew accustomed to the deep, rancid feeling of the cave.

"Where do you think Dessie is?" I asked them curiously.

"Hn."

"Probably locked up in some cell being tortured…or worse. Knowing Oro-Ugly he'll come up with something really creative." Kisame glanced up thoughtfully, probably imagining all the terrible things Orochimaru could do the Dessie.

"Oh…So will she be already?"

Itachi snorted. "Hn."

"It's Dessie – who could possibly do damage to that bitch?" translated Kisame.

"True…But she's not completely invulnerable."

"Hn."

"She has a heart of stone."

I glanced suspiciously from Kisame to Itachi and then back to Kisame. "Is that really what he's saying in those little 'hn's?"

"Hn."

"That meant 'yes, how could you possibly think that the amazing, badass, sexy Kisame would ever lie to you?'."

In the words of Dessie, Itachi "sharinganed Kisame's ass", and then kept on walking. I hurried after him, pushing Kisame's hand of my shoulder. Almost immediately, I slipped on a wet spot on the rock and went sprawling to the ground. Kindly, Kisame laughed and walked right by.

"You're meant to help a girl in need," I grumbled, getting to my feet and checking the numerous scrapes and bruises on my arms and legs.

"The amazing, badass sexy Kisame didn't feel like it."

"Hn."

I hurried after the two of them, grabbing hold of Kisame's sleeve and trailing after him again (I was too afraid to touch Itachi, in case he performed Amaterasu on me – Itachi was very protective of his personal space like that).

"Halt! Who goes there!"

The three of us paused, staring ahead of us in the tunnel where the figure of a tall, very thin man appeared. He was dressed in the style of any old shinobi. However, his face was hidden by a steel helmet he wore, like the kind that knights wore in the medieval era. The shinobi held one hand in front of him in the universal signal for 'stop'.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Kisame, sounding more bemused than anything else.

"I am Sir."

"Sir?" repeated Kisame.

"Sir."

"Sir what?"

"Nothing, just Sir."

Kisame and I exchanged puzzled glances. Then, Kisame turned back to the supposed Sir and said, "Well that's a stupid name."

Sir looked extremely pissed off at these words. "A gentleman does not insult another gentleman's name."

"Well it's a good thing I'm not a gentleman," muttered Kisame. "Especially if being a gentleman means I have to wear a stupid helmet and get people to call me Sir."

The shinobi looked offended. "I throw down the gauntlet to you!" And, sure enough, he grabbed a chain-linked glove off his hand and hurled it at Kisame's feet.

Kisame groaned and turned to Itachi. "You want to fight him."

"The challenge was for you." Itachi looked faintly amuse.

"How about Kate fights him," said Kisame, turning to face me. "I bet even she could beat him – even if she is a non-nunu."

Sir looked annnoyed. "Don't talk about me as if I weren't here!"

"What does being a non-nunu have to do with it?" I asked, irritably.

"Everything."

I couldn't even come up with an appropriate response to that, so instead I said, "The gauntlet was thrown at you, Kisame. You have to fight him. Itachi and I will go find Dessie."

Angrily, Sir waved his arms up and down, trying to catch out attention. We continued to ignore him.

Kisame considered this. "Call me properly and I'll fight it."

"Don't call me an 'it'," snapped Sir.

"I will not call you properly," I snapped.

Kisame grinned. "Then you fight it and Itachi and I will save Dessie."

I scowled. "I'm not fighting it."

Bursting with rage, Sir threw a shuriken at Kisame, which Kisame easily side stepped and continued his conversation with me as if nothing had happened.

"Then call me properly."

I gritted my teeth and glowered at Kisame, but, slowly, I said, "OH amazing, badass, sexy Kisame. Will you please save me from it? I am too weak and pathetic to fight it and only you, Kisame the sexy beast, can defeat it. I bow to your superior skills and plead your aid."

Kisame smiled, satisfied with my speech. "Okay then, my non-nunu. I shall kick its ass for you." And with that, he spun around and swung his gigantic sword at Sir.

Unfortunately for us, as Orochimaru's minion, Sir was not a pathetic fighter as it might seem. And, while Kisame and Sir were engaged in an epic battle of swords, Itachi and I snuck away.

"He'll be alright, won't he?" I asked as Kisame disappeared from view.

"Hn."

"You're not very helpful."

"Hn."

"I can't translate you 'hn's like Kisame can. And without him here you're going to have to use actual words, believe it or not."

Itachi glared at me…or maybe he glares at everyone like that and I just never noticed before. We continued walking in an awkward silence, neither one of us knowing what to say or wanting to speak at all.

Finally, we reached a split in the tunnel with two identical passages ways, on twisting off to the left and one twisting off to the right. We stopped in front of the passage ways, both thinking hard.

"Which way should we go?" I asked.

"Hn."

"Right?"

"Hn."

"Left?"

"Hn."

"Okay…" I considered this for a moment. "Say 'hn' for the wrong answer and say nothing for the correct one."

"Right?"

"Hn."

"Then left?"

"Hn."

I groaned and threw my hands up into the air in despair (hey, I'm Dr. Seuss). "This is hopeless!" And, for once, I think Itachi agreed with me completely. I hesitated for a moment, wondering if he was going to say something. Then, deciding silence was my only answer I said, "I suggest we resort to the good, old eenie-meenie-minie-moe tr–"

And then the tip of a blade pressed against my throat.

Now, wonderful readers, being the innocent, naïve girl that I am, I had never been in a situation such as this – even in all my time with the Akatsuki. I was taken hostage. A man was standing behind me with one arm roughly slung around my waist, pinning my arms to my sides and the other hand clutching a sword with was now pressed against my neck.

"Itachi…" The sound of the man's voice resonated though my body.

At the sound of his name, Itachi turned and scowled at my captor. "Hn."

The knife pressed further into my throat and I felt a trickle of blood run down my skin. Now, I have to admit by this point I was pretty mad. Here I was being held hostage by one of Orochimaru's minions and all Itachi could say is "Hn". HN!

"Itachi…" My captor's body was quivering with rage. "What are you doing here?"

"Where's my stalker?"

"Hn."

I froze. That sound…That oh so familiar sound… I twisted around, trying to get a good look at my captor's face. I only got a glimpse, but what I saw what enough. "You two are brothers!"

"Were," said Sasuke coldly. "That murderous traitor is no brother of mine."

"Where's my stalker?" repeated Itachi.

"I won't tell you, asshole."

Itachi moved like lightning. One moment he was standing there staring at Sasuke and the next me had sprinted behind Sasuke. Itachi brought a hand crashing down on Sasuke's shoulder, hitting a pressure point and causing Sasuke's body to collapse, releasing me. The weight of the sword at my neck disappeared and suddenly I found I could breathe again.

Gleefully, I spun around and wrapped my arms around Itachi's neck. "Thank you!"

"Hn." He pushed me off.

I stepped away, the grin suddenly fading from my face. I had never before realized how manly Itachi looked dressed in that Akatsuki robe. He had a certain confidence to him – not like Kisame's arrogant swagger, but more like an I-am-strong-and-I-know-it look. His black hair fell casually around his face and his red-eyes glittered bolding in the darkness. Never before had I realized Itachi was so…so…hot.

I was glad for the cover are darkness so Itachi could not see my blush.