Chapter Fifteen: Out of the Frying Pan

Rule Number Fifteen: Frying pans make good weapons – sometimes a little too good.

Hannah

"I say we go left!"

"Right! Why the hell should we go left!" snapped Deidara.

"Because my left senses are tingling!" I screamed. "Always trust the left senses – the right ones tend to lie!"

Deidara looked ready to hit something – or someone. "Left senses! Who's ever heard of the left senses! Do you have something wrong with your brain! It's always the right!"

"Tobi thinks we should all quiet down and discuss this civilly."

"SHUT UP!"

We were facing the exact same situation as Kate and Itachi, though we did not know it at that time. Deidara, Tobi, and I (who were forced to be a group on our Rescue Dessie from the Oro-Ugly Pervert and Sasuke-Bitch) had been standing outside two corridors with tile floors and cement walls that extending off in opposite directions. Despite our excessive arguing, we were no closer to deciding which way to go than when we had first started.

"Left!" I screamed.

"Right!" cried Deidara. "Right or I'll blow the left passageway to smithereens!"

"That's cheating!"

"Of course it's cheating," snapped Deidara. "I'm a criminally insane Akatsuki member – I am allowed to cheat!"

I grabbed the frying pan (which had been strapped to my back for most of the trip for emergency situations) and waved it threateningly in front of Deidara. "Don't mess with me, fur ball!"

"Did you just call me fur ball?"

"Sorry – I forgot to add blond fur ball!"

"I love you, you love me – we're a happy family – with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you – won't you say you love me too!" Tobi stepped between Deidara and me, wrapping one arm around each of our shoulders and pulling us into a large group hug.

My face squished uncomfortably against Tobi's chest, I asked, "Tobi… where dud you learn that song?"

"Dessie-Nunu taught it to me." Tobi sniffled. "She'll be proud to know I was using it at such a moment."

Deidara pushed Tobi away and turned to me angrily. "I'm going to find that violent stalker bitch – and when I do, I'm going to murder her for teaching him yet another retarded happy song!"

"What else did she teach him?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know.

"F is for friends who do stuff together – U is for you and me – N is for anywhere and any time at all – here with the Akatsuki!" Tobi danced around the hallways gleefully. "This part is for you Deidara-senpai! F is for fire which burns down the whole town – U is for ukulele – N is for no survivors!"

"You know, Deidara," I said thoughtfully. "He's got you down pretty well."

"Shut up, bitch."

"So creative with your come backs."

Deidara grabbed a ball of clay from his side pouch and in less that two seconds had shaped it into a spider. He threw it at me, raising two fingers to eye-level. "K–"

Luck, apparently, was on my side today, because before Deidara could manage to get the word of death from his lips, a gray haired man came out from nowhere and slammed his fists into Deidara's side, sending Deidara flying down the hallway. The moment the man raised his eyes, I recognized him as Kabuto from the market place… Maybe luck wasn't on my side after all…

"Nice to meet you," said Tobi, cheerfully offering a hand to the enemy.

But, much to my surprise, Kabuto reached out to shake Tobi's hand. "Nice to meet you too…er… Sorry, I don't know your name."

Tobi nodded mournfully. "Tobi is new to the Akatsuki. Tobi is still learning and making his name known. Deidara-senpai is teaching Tobi much."

Deidara groaned and staggered to his feet after the blow Kabuto had given him. Deidara took one look at Tobi and Kabuto's idle chitchat and said, "Tobi – don't make friends with the enemy. You're just going to have to kill him anyways."

"But Tobi doesn't want to kill the nice man. Can't we all just be friends?"

I smacked Tobi over the head with the back of my hand, for once not needing Deidara to deal out the punishment. "Pull yourself together – are you a pissy girl scout!"

"But Hannah-Nunu…"

"No buts!" I pointed at Kabuto angrily. "Kill him."

Tobi nodded once, his one visible eye growing more determined. "If Hannah-Nunu wishes it!" And then he turned around and punched Kabuto in the face.

It was Kabuto's turn to go flying back. Only unlike Deidara, Kabuto had a concrete wall behind him. I cringed as there was heavy sound of body striking stone and a large dent appeared in the wall. However, Kabuto rose to his feet again and returned to his fight with Tobi.

Deidara and I stood on, watching this encounter curiously.

"I can't believe you managed to get Tobi to fight, uhn."

We stood in silence, admiring the epic fight going on before us (I will not describe the scene and allow you, oh wonderful readers, to let your imaginations go wild). But, when the fight stretched on for a good thirty minutes (which is about sixty chapters in a manga) Deidara and I began to get edgy.

"Why don't we just blow the whole place up?" he asked. "Kabuto and Tobi together."

But just as Deidara said those words, Kabuto landed a perfect blow on Tobi and the masked Akatsuki member went flying down the left hallway with the force of the blow (now, we all know that Tobi/Madara was just pretending to be weak – but at the time, I thought Tobi was seriously injured). I can't say Tobi is my favorite guy in the world, but I certainly like him better than Kabuto. So, when I say Kabuto winning the fight, rage just took over. I grabbed my frying pan and WHACK! – Kabuto didn't know what hit him.

His eyes rolled up in his head and he toppled to the ground in a useless pile with blood trickling down the side of his forehead.

At the sight of his body, my rage immediately subsided and I stared at him in shock. "I didn't kill him…did I?"

Deidara walked up beside me and stared at Kabuto's fallen body for a moment. "Katsu!"

The entire hallway exploded, rocks and tiles came crashing down from the ceiling piling in a heap on top of Kabuto. And, when the dust and debris disappeared, Deidara and I stood, staring at the wall that had just formed between us and the right side corridor.

"Now we'll never know who killed him, uhn," said Deidara with a shrug. Then, he turned and saw Tobi laying on the ground down the left-corridor. "Shit. I thought he was with Kabuto."

I wasn't paying attention to that. Instead, I looked at the left corridor, which was wide open and then I looked at the right corridor, which was blocked off by a wall of debris. Then, I turned to Deidara and grinned. "I told you my left senses were tingling."

We were walking down another corridor, and, once again, Deidara and I were struggling not to kill Tobi. He had remembered yet another song that Dessie had taught him (I wanted to save Dessie less and less as the day went on) and now Tobi was singing at the top of his lungs the Teletubbies theme song. Thankfully, Deidara had had enough and tried to blow Tobi up, which momentarily stopped the singing as Tobi screamed and ran for his life.

"I never thought I'd see the day where I was grateful for your artwork, Deidara," I muttered.

He set off another explosive and cried, "Art is a bang!"

"But more importantly it shuts Tobi up."

"And it – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

I never got to find out what else Deidara's art was because at that moment the tiled floor of Orochimaru's hideout opened and swallowed the three of us whole. I found myself plunging downwards through the darkness rapidly and then, suddenly, I stopped. I landed on a sort of smooth cushion substance that hissed.

Wait a second…hissed!

I screamed.

"What? What's going on? Why is Hannah-Nunu screaming? Tobi can't see!"

And then there was light.

Deidara stood at the bottom of the hole, holding a ball of flames in his hand (some jutsu of his). But, it was not the sight of Deidara that startled me, but the contents of the pit that the lights revealed. Hundreds and hundreds of snakes were slithering around the bottom of the hole. They coiled around our ankles, baring their fangs and hissing.

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire," said Tobi amusedly.

And right about then was when I panicked and lost all self control. I jumped on Deidara's back, screeching and shrieking all the while.

"What are you doing! Uhn! Get off of me!" Deidara clawed at his back, trying to throw me off. Eventually he managed to get a good grip and he hurled me over his shoulder to the ground.

The snakes hissed angrily, preparing to bite, but before they could strike, Tobi leapt in front of me and snarled. The snakes were so surprised at this new development that they shrunk away from us, unsure what to do. Tobi turned to me, smiling excitedly, and asked, "Did Tobi do good?"

I nodded mutely, eyes fixated on the snakes. "Tobi is a good boy…"

Deidara was watching me curiously. Then, he said slowly, "Are you afraid of snakes, Hannah?"

I didn't reply – for my own safety.

But Deidara was smart enough to know the answer. He bent down and picked up one of the hissing snakes, holding it tightly by the neck. "Look at this, Hannah, isn't it pretty?" He took a step towards me, baring the snake in front of him.

"G-g-get that thing away from me!" I cried, backing away.

"Deidara-senpai shouldn't be mean to Hannah-Nunu!" said Tobi.

Ignoring his partner, Deidara took another step towards me, the snake glaring at me angrily. "Look, Hannah," said Deidara. "The snake wants to say hi." He took another step towards me.

"Don't joke with me, you blond fur ball!" I screamed. And, with newfound force, I swung my frying pan at Deidara's head.

The good news is, the frying pan made contact and Deidara dropped to the ground unconscious, letting go of the snake and he did so. The bad news is, I clipped Tobi on the backswing of my frying pan and he collapsed too. I stood in the middle of the snake pit, looking around as my two shinobi protectors lay unconscious.

Rule Number Fifteen: Frying pans make good weapons – but sometimes they're too good and knock both your partners out. Oopsie.

A/N: It has come to my attention that Deidara as become a lot nicer lately. That was totally unintentional and I will have to fix that. Thank you to those of you who reviewed it was greatly appreciated. Now do so again or the snakes will crawl into your bed when you least expect it!