Chapter Sixteen: Flight of the Akatsuki

Rule Number Sixteen: Always listen to the gingerbread men; they are wise creatures.

Dessie

Hi, beautiful readers. May I be the first to say that I am so glad you didn't click the X-button after suffering two chapters from Kate and Hannah's point of views. Now, while Kisame, Itachi, and Kate were busy fooling around with psychopathic shinobi like Sir and revenge-sworn baby brothers like Sasuke and while Deidara, Tobi, and Hannah were battling the ugly-faced Kabuto and the snake put of horrors, one team was actually doing their job properly. And, as amazing as this fact is, that team was Hidan and Kakuzu.

I was sitting in my cell (which had been upgraded to one with a comfy bed and an adjoining bathroom after my conversation with Orochimaru) when Kakuzu and Hidan come storming in.

They take one look at the room – with all its lavish furniture and fancy bedspreads – and me sitting in the middle of it and what do they say?

"I told you," says Kakuzu. "Orochimaru has better prison cells that we do bedrooms – isn't that just total bullshit."

"Hell, no," snapped Hidan. "I thought Sasori was just making that crap up."

"You owe me twenty bucks, moron." Kakuzu moved to shut the door.

"Hey! You shitheads!" I called, hopping up from my bed. "Don't leave me here with Ugly-Glasses and Medusa!"

"Who the hell is that?" asked Hidan.

"Ugly-Glasses and Medusa? Ugly-Glasses is Kabuto because he looks like a dung beetle and Medusa is Orochimaru because of all his snakes and stuff. Why you want to know?"

Hidan looked pained for a second (like he was thinking too hard). "Isn't Medusa that crazy bitch with snakes for hair that turned people to stone when she looked at them?"

I nodded. "That's the one."

"Wow – you actually came up with a decent nickname!"

"Glad to know my efforts are appreciated," I said sarcastically. "Can we go now? I don't want to spend another minute with Medusa."

Hidan sneezed.

"Warg bless you."

Annoyed, Hidan rounded on me, his eyes flashing violently. "I don't want to be blessed by your crummy god! Jashin-sama remains ruler of all!"

I scowled, folding my arms across my chest in stubborn defiance. "My god owns you god, no questions asked. Now shut the hell up about it!"

"You little–"

"You're both morons with crapped gods," said Kakuzu wearily. "No can we go before we have to run into Oro – Never mind."

Hidan and I turned to Kakuzu, puzzled. "Never mind what?"

"Orochimaru's already here."

And, sure enough, the hideous creeper with long, slimy black hair, a sheer-white face, and a pink tongue which slithered around like a serpent, getting excited at the sight of fresh meat and flapping about wildly. Orochimaru was staring at the three of us, his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"You're here to take Dessie away?" he asked, stepped across the room so that he stood by my side.

"Well…" said Kakuzu thoughtfully. "If you really want to keep her you can – but it'll cost you."

"Hell," said Hidan. "We'll give her to you for free!"

And then, much to our horror (especially mine), Orochimaru reached out a hand and stroked the side of my face. He wrapped his arms around me and his tongue lapped slowly against my skin (he could rival Zetsu as the scariest member of the Akatsuki).

"Why do I have to pay you for what's already mine?" asked Orochimaru. "I happen to like my little pet – she has good taste in specimen." He chucked and patted me on the head like a little doggy.

Well, being licked by Orochimaru was not high on my "Fun" list. So I glowered at him and said, "Let go of me – I know your weak spot."

Orochimaru looked confused. "I don't have a weak spot."

Hidan was laughing his ass off. "I'd let go of her if I were you – she knows your weak spot."

"I don't have a weak spot!"

So, I kicked Orochimaru between the legs and he went crashing to the ground, like all the other men who have fallen victim to my trap. Then, while he was lying on the floor curled up in the fetal position, Hidan, Kakuzu, and I ran for the exit (laughing all the way on my part).

We sprinted along the hallways depending on Kakuzu's sense of direction to find us the exit. However, as we soon discovered, direction are not his strong point. And soon we found ourselves standing in the middle of a corridor with plain, white tile floors and stone walls. Hidan looked around, completely confused and then said, "Where the fuck are we?"

"We're lost!" I asked incredulously.

"We're not lost," snapped Kakuzu. "I know exactly where we are."

"Let's stop and ask for directions," I said, which caused both of them to gawp at me in amazement.

"Who are we supposed to ask for directions?" asked Hidan.

Kakuzu glowered at the two of us and then folded his arms stubbornly. "I don't need directions – I know exactly where we are."

"And where is that?"

"Er…here…in Orochimaru's hideout…"

"You see, we need dir–" I began, but my words were cut off by a very sudden and very loud scream. The three of I looked around, trying to find the source of the noise.

"Is someone being sacrificed to Jashin-sama?" asked Hidan.

"That scream!" I cried as it came again. "It's so familiar!"

Kakuzu found the location and the three of us sprinted down the hallway until we came in side of a gigantic hole in the floor where the tiles had collapsed. We peered down the gap and found ourselves staring into a snake pit…with the most unusual sight: Hannah had somehow knocked Deidara and Tobi out and had piled their bodies on top of one another so that she could stand on them to keep her farther away from the snakes on the ground.

"Hannah!" I cried, waving at her excitedly.

She looked up and caught sight of me, her brown eyes wide with fear. "Dessie! Get me the hell out of here!"

"But you look like you're having so much fun!"

She screamed as a snake tried to slither up Deidara's body (which was on the bottom). Hannah waved around her frying pan, and knocked the hissing snake back to the floor. "Do I look like I'm having fun, bitch!" she shrieked.

I watched this amusing scene for a little longer and then turned back to Kakuzu. "Can you get them out of there?"

Kakuzu said nothing, but he moved to the edge of the hole and, using his black tentacles, lifted Deidara, Tobi, and Hannah out of the hole, one by one. Hannah squealed and flung her arms around Kakuzu's neck in gratitude before he pushed her away and, for a second, debated shoving her back into the hole.

"You're alive!" cried Hannah, turning to me. "And…Hidan saved you!"

I nodded with a similar disbelief. "I know! And you're lucking it was them instead of you – I don't think you could have survived a meeting with Medusa."

Hannah shuddered. "Where's Medusa?"

"Orochimaru – he has an obsession with snakes and other such perverted things. He showed me his collection and stuff." I giggled at the memory of Snow Hottie – maybe it hadn't been all bad.

"Dessie-Nunu!"

We both turned around to see Tobi leaping off the ground having awakened from his slumber. He flung his arms around my neck and cried out over and over again, "Tobi missed Dessie-Nunu! Tobi was so worried for Dessie-Nunu! Is Dessie-Nunu okay?"

I made a face in the direction of Hannah and said awkwardly, "Dessie is okay – so you can get off now Tobi."

Much to my surprise, Tobi did get off, but instead he grabbed hold of Hannah and my hands and clutched them tightly in his own. "We're all together again, my nunus!"

And then, before we could say another word, the voice of Orochimaru came echoing down the hallway screaming something along the lines of: "WHEN I FIND YOU I WILL RIP YOU LIFELESS FROM HEAD TO TOE AND SPILL OUT YOU RED GUTS UPON THE FLOOR FOR MY PETS TO EAT!"

"Time to go!" I declared.

And, leaving the cussing Hidan to carry the unconscious Deidara on his back, we all sprinted away down the hallway in search of the exit with Orochimaru hot on our heels. Unfortunately, Tobi and Hannah were just as bad at directions as Kakuzu and we so found ourselves wandering through the tunnel of a cave with no clue which way was left and which was right – let alone locate the exit.

"Why is this so fucking difficult!" asked Hidan, dropping Deidara on the ground when we came to a halt. Deidara jerked awake as his body hit the ground and he leapt to his feet looking around wildly.

"You're finally awake, shithead," snapped Hidan. "After I had to carry you the whole way."

"Where the hell am I!" cried Deidara.

"We're lost," I said irritably.

Suddenly, Deidara caught sight of Hannah and he rounded on her angrily. "You bitch! You knocked me out in the snake pit!"

Hannah began backing away quickly. "No I didn't – you fainted on your own – I have no idea what you're talking about – ha-ha-ha…ha….ha…." He laughter died away and she gave in. "Sorry…"

"I'll kill you!" shouted Deidara, grabbing a ball of clay and beginning to morph it into the form of a snake.

Hannah screamed and ran away to cowered behind Kakuzu, who, not want to get involved, offered her up as a sacrifice to quell Deidara's rage. However, lucky for Hannah, at that moment a timid voice cried out, "Who's there?" And we all froze in place.

"Kate!" shrieked Hannah and I at once.

"You guys!" She came sprinting out of the darkness and flung her arms around our necks. "You're alive!"

"Of course we're alive," said Dessie indignantly. "It takes more than a bunch of violent creepers to kill us."

"I was more worried about the Akatsuki killing you…" said Kate thoughtfully. "But oh well. Itachi's this way!" And, with a bright red face, she led the group a little down the tunnel to where Itachi stood over the unconscious body of Sasuke.

My response went a little something like this:

"HOTTIE!" And I flung my arms around Itachi's neck and planted him a big kiss on the lips. Then, I leapt to Sasuke's side and screamed, "MINI-HOTTIE – what have they done to you!" and then proceeded to perform CPR on him.

"What happened to Sasuke-bitch?" asked Hidan.

"Itachi knocked him out when he tried to kill me." Kate glanced at Itachi with a glowing expression (I had a very bad feeling about this).

"Why?" I asked Itachi. "Why did you damaged Mini-Hottie!"

"Hn."

"He's perfectly alive," translated Kakuzu. "Itachi just knocked him out temporarily."

"You can speak the 'hn' language too!" cried Kate in horror.

We all stared at her in silence. And then, there came the sound of Orochimaru's voice and dozens of footsteps chasing after us.

"Time to go!" cried Deidara, turning to leave.

I remained, clinging on to Sasuke's fallen body. "Can I keep him?"

"No!" they all shouted in unison.

"Not even as a pet?"

"No, bitch!" screamed Hidan. "Now haul your ass out of here before Orochimaru decides to keep you as a pet again!"

And, with that threat in mind, I leapt to my feet, leaving the fallen Sasuke behind, and sprinted after the others. We carried on down the passage way (at least this time Itachi had an excellent sense of direction) and, eventually, we came upon the sight of Kisame who was torturing some shinobi wearing a knight's helmet.

"What the hell?" I cried at the sight of him.

"Oh hey" said Kisame. He glanced at Kate and grinned. "I shoved his shitty gauntlet down his throat."

"Yay!" she cried cheerfully.

"No time to celebrate!" shouted Deidara. "We're fleeing."

Kisame dropped the shinobi's body on the ground and it landed with a heavy crack. Then, we all turned and fled down the tunnel, Orochimaru and his experiments racing after us.

Unable to prevent myself, I twisted around and screamed over my shoulder: "Run, run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me – I'm the gingerbread man!"

And so, the all-powerful, criminally insane Akatsuki and their three fake-prostitutes made like gingerbread men and high-tailed it out of there before Orochimaru could catch us. Rule Number Sixteen: Always listen to the advice of gingerbread men; they are wise creatures and knew what they were talking about.