Chapter Seventeen: Love Guru Returns

Rule Number Seventeen: Kisame makes a terrible Love Guru (especially if you're Kate).

Kate

Hello, wonderful readers. About a month has passed since our catastrophic rescue mission at Orochimaru's hideout. Things have been rather low-key with the Akatsuki. They sold Hannah, Dessie, and me twice to brothels and we fled back home in desperation to keep out chastity intact. The Akatsuki members also went on four more missions (one for each team and one for Zetsu) but my friends and I were forced to stay back with the "mission" of cleaning the hideout. This mainly consisted of Dessie sitting back and supervising Hannah and me. But, finally, it came to the second week of December when the first real frosts began to hit that anything interesting happened.

A snowstorm hit the area around the Akatsuki hideout and we found ourselves, all twelve of us, holed up inside with no escape.

Leader and Konan, as always, spent their time together in Leader's office (Dessie claims they aren't working in there, but she has no proof so we dismiss her words a just theories). Kakuzu was sitting in his room working on some new money scheme of his while Hidan was in their bathroom sacrificing yet another person to Jashin-sama. That left Deidara, who was making another piece of art, and Zetsu, who was watering the agapanthus. The rest of us were lounging about in the living room.

Hannah, Dessie, and I had hijacked Kakuzu's deck of cards and were now playing some intensive rounds of poker while Tobi sat behind Hannah and tried to put flowers in her hair when she wasn't looking. Dessie was raking up the chips in Texas Hold 'Em, which only inflated after Kisame tried to give me bad advice. Itachi sat in the far corner of the room, reading yet another book. I kept sending him secretive glances every two minutes, my face brightening each time I saw his handsome face.

"All in," said Hannah grimly, pushing the few remaining chips of her onto the table.

"I call." Dessie placed the according number beside Hannah's chips (it was a small dent in Dessie's mountain pile).

"I fold," I said.

"Is Hannah-Nunu going to lose to Dessie-Nunu?" asked Tobi as he tried to tuck a sunflower behind Hannah's ear. She swatted his hand away and up turned her cards.

"I have a flush," said Hannah, revealing her cards.

Dessie grinned and slowly revealed her full house hand.

"Bitch," snapped Hannah, shoving her chips at Dessie. "Who said you could be so good at poker?"

"Uncle taught me," said Dessie cheerfully.

"Uncle?" asked Kisame as Dessie dealt out the next hand.

"Her uncle was a poker player," explained Hannah glumly. "He taught her all the tricks of the trade – but don't let Kakuzu know. Dessie wants to pretend to be really bad and then trick him into giving her all his money."

"Kakuzu's not bad at poker either…" said Kisame thoughtfully.

"Dessie's a friggin' genius at it."

Kisame grinned. "Just make sure I'm there when it happens."

Itachi slammed his book closed and quietly got up from his seat, making his was towards the door of the living room.

"Where you going?" Kisame asked.

Itachi glanced back over his shoulder and said, "Kitchen, I'm hungry." And then he walked out, closing the door behind him.

My face burned bright red at the thought of him and, as always, my friends and Kisame noticed. They all leaned forward, malicious smirks spreading across their faces. Only Hannah shook her head and rolled her eyes to the high heavens.

"By God, not another one!"

"Hottie?" asked Dessie, slightly mortified. "But hottie is my soul mate!"

"Tobi's just glad it's not him anymore. Tobi has Hannah-Nunu and Dessie-Nunu already!" And with that Tobi flung his arms around the two girls' necks in an awkward group hug.

Dessie pushed Tobi's arm off and said to me, "Sorry, Kate, there's no room in the harem for you."

My face turned scarlet and I sat there looking like a very red tomato while they all laughed (with exception of Tobi who looked confused at the word 'harem'). Then, much to no one's surprise, Kisame placed a hand on my head and cried, "Kisame the Love Guru is back in business!"

"But…things didn't work out so well last time…" I stammered.

Kisame ignored me. "Itachi's all alone in the kitchen right now – go! Confess! As we've said that's the first part to a happy-happy love!"

My protests were drowned out as Kisame dragged me out of the room and threw me into the kitchen at Itachi's feet. Holding a bag of healthy snacks (I can't imagine Itachi eating junk food) he stared down at me critically.

"Er…I-I-I-Itachi…" I stumbled over the words nervously. "I-I-I-I have s-s-something to t-t-t-tell you…"

"Hn."

"I-I love…y-y-y-you…"

Itachi stared at me and then, for the first time in his life I think, Itachi got flustered. Of course, his being flustered was not the same as everyone else's flustered – instead of stammering and blushing, Itachi spoke in complete sentences.

"I'm sorry…" He glanced at the door, searching for an escape route. "I have…er…someone I already like. Yeah." And then he darted towards the exit.

But, unfortunately for Itachi, Kisame had been standing outside the door of the kitchen and the moment Itachi mumbled about liking someone else, Kisame threw open the door and cried, "What is this! Itachi likes someone!"

"Er… no, I don't…" began Itachi.

Kisame didn't hear, or chose not to hear, but instead he grabbed Itachi by the shoulders and cried, "Who is it? Who's the lucky girl!"

"I was…"

"She must be from the Akatsuki," said Kisame thoughtfully. "You wouldn't dare talk to anyone else. So it's either Hannah, Dessie, or Konan!"

"W-w-w-what about me?" I asked, still kneeling on the floor where Kisame had thrown me earlier. "Aren't I part of the list?"

Kisame waved a careless hand in my direction, no even sparing me a glance. "Yeah, yeah – no one cares. Itachi already rejected you so you can't be on the list."

"So mean!" I wailed.

But Kisame was already talking excitedly to Itachi, trying to figure out which girl was the object of Itachi's affections.

This was not my day. Not only had I been rejected by Itachi and ignored by Kisame, but now I was sitting on the sofa in the living room squished between a blood-stained Hidan and a very, very pissed off Leader. Both had been dragged from important duties by Kisame and forced to sit down, shut up, and listen as Kisame became his show of "Itachi's Secret Love Life".

The premise was, I figured out, that Kisame had summoned three doors and behind each one of the three doors was a girl who was possible the person Itachi likes – could Kisame the Love Guru possibly be more insensitive!

All the members of the Akatsuki who were not female slouched around the living room, glowing at Kisame, who stood in front of them dressed in an obnoxiously white suit. He smiled at me and waved, but I only scowled in reply.

"Hello, gentlemen and lady." He nodded in my direction. "And welcome to this week's entertainment – Itachi's Secret Love Life!" Kisame wrapped and arm around Itachi's shoulders and dragged the protesting Itachi to the front of the room. "Early today the Akatsuki's own beloved Itachi Uchiha was confessed to–"

Everyone looked at me simultaneously. Apparently my secret confessions were not as secret as I thought (I blame Kisame).

"However, Itachi replied to this poor girl's confession by openly declaring his love for a mysterious girl. And now, my fellow Akatsuki members, we shall discover who is the love of Itachi's life."

There was scattered, half-hearted applause, most of which was coming from Tobi. Hidan looked pissed off while Kakuzu looked ready to murder. Zetsu was nurturing a plant in the corner and Leader was about to start lobbing off heads.

"Now, Itachi," said Kisame, turning the both of them around to face the doors. "We have three doors here. A blue one, a yellow one, and a red one. Pick a door, any door, and you are going to confess to the girl behind it. If she agrees – she is your soul mate. If not, she'll go take a seat in the stands with the rest of the audience."

"I don't see how this reveals my secret crush…" muttered Itachi. "If I had one…"

Kisame ignored him. "Pick a door!"

"Hn."

"Yellow it is then, Itachi!" cried Kisame, pointing a blue finger towards the door on the far left which was a shade of bright, sunshine yellow. Mist streamed into the room and the lights dimmed, one spotlight fell upon the yellow door and another spotlight on Itachi. Slowly, the door creaked open and a young woman stepped out. She was tall and thin wearing a long, yellow dress with a daisy tucked in her brown hair. A luxurious beauty with grace and poise…

"What the hell is this, Kisame?" snapped Hannah irritably.

The light came back on to reveal an angry audience and a less than satisfied Hannah.

"We're trying to figure out who Itachi is in love with," explained Kisame. He turned to Itachi. "Come on, confess to her."

"Hn."

Kisame rolled his eyes dramatically and turned to Hannah. "Itachi says he's deeply in love with you and wants to go out with you."

Hannah looked from Kisame to Itachi and back. "This is total bullshit. If I had my frying pan I'd beat you half to death." And then she stormed past the two of them so sit on the ground in front of the squishy armchair where Kakuzu sat.

"This is fucking retarded!" snapped Hidan. "Jashin-sama is getting impatient."

Kisame ignored him too. "I'm sorry, Itachi, but I think that is a no. Well then, what door should we try next? Red? Or Blue?"

"Hn."

"Blue it is then!" And Kisame turned back to the blue door, waving his arm with flourish.

Again, the light dimmed and smoke came pouring out of nowhere. This time, however, dramatic music was playing in the background as the door slipped open and, dressed in a purple kimono, stood Konan who was glaring icily at Kisame.

"Well?" asked Kisame. "Confess to her Itachi!"

"Hn."

"He professing deep love for you," Kisame told Konan. "With a joy that stretches up to the moon and back and is immeasurable – he wants to spend his entire life with you walking through town and on beaches killing shinobi left and right without a care in the world…"

Konan walked past Kisame and Itachi without a word and plopped herself down on the couch between me and Leader. And, if I do say so myself, Leader looked very pleased with this outcome.

"Sorry, Itachi," said Kisame, laying a comforting hand on Itachi's shoulder. "I think that's another rejection there. Well, never mind, there's still the red door!"

Dimmed lights, smoke screen, dramatic music, and out steps a gorgeous blond with hair piled on top of her – his head. Wait a second! I blinked confusedly. Why was Deidara stepping out of the red door?

Kisame looked as bewildered as me for a moment, but he quickly recovered and turned to Itachi. "And behind door number three is the stunning Deidara! Confession time, Itachi!"

Both Itachi and Deidara glowered at Kisame, and then, one after the other, they punched him in the nose. Deidara stormed across the room and took a seat as far away from Tobi as possible (which happened to be beside Hannah). Kisame stood at the front of the room, clutching his nose between two fingers and trying to stop the blood from dripping out.

"Awwww dit," he said thickly. "Deidara wasn't dapposed do cobe oud of dad door."

"Then who was?" asked Deidara irritably.

"Me, asshole!"

And, before anyone could really register what was going on, Dessie came sprinting into the room where a short red dress and she kicked Deidara in the knee. He yelped in pain and curled up on the floor, whimpering.

"How dare you steal my confession!" shrieked Dessie angrily.

"Owwwww."

With an "hmph" of anger, Dessie turned her back on Deidara and returned to the front of the room where Kisame and Itachi stood. "Where's my confession, Fish Fry."

Itachi glared.

"He days he lubs you…" said Kisame through his broken nose.

"YAY!" Dessie clapped her hands excitedly and flung her arms around Itachi's neck. "I love you too! I accept! Let's get married!"

"Er…" Itachi glanced at the exit. "I don't…like anyone…lies…"

"Or maybe we should date first," said Dessie thoughtfully, completely ignoring Itachi. Then she giggled gleefully and gave him a gigantic kiss on the lips.

Then, with a huge, devious grin on his face, Kisame turned to the audience. "Thank you all for your time, but now we have to give the new lovers some time alone." Kisame wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Rule Number Seventeen: Kisame makes a shitty Love Guru – especially if you're Itachi.

A/N: Review, or Kisame will become YOUR Love Guru (and that can only be a bad thing)