Chapter Eighteen: On the Lake Edge

Rule Number Eighteen: Avoid Dessie – bad things happen around her.

Hannah

I am going on a date with Kisame.

Not a real date, sorry if I got your hopes up, but a fake date – for Itachi's sake. You see, today is December the 24th and, since Itachi is now Dessie's 'official boyfriend' she wanted to drag him out on a date. Itachi, who never once agreed to be Dessie's boyfriend, begged (or should I say glared down) Kisame until Kisame agreed to go on a double date. And since Kate had a crush on Itachi and Leader would kill Kisame for asking Konan on a date, I was the only available option. Hence, I am going on a date with Kisame.

So, on the day before Christmas, Dessie woke me up bright and early with a huge smile plastered across her face.

"What do you want?" I grumbled, rolling over in bed irritably.

"Date!"

"We're not leaving until noon…"

"It's ten o'clock already," cried Dessie impatiently. "Come on! Konan has agreed to help prettify us!"

"But I don't want to be prettified!" I wailed pathetically.

"Not even for Kisame?"

After hearing that she and Itachi would be going on a double date with Kisame and me, Dessie had mistakenly come to the conclusion that Kisame and I had a 'thing'. So, now, she used that as an excuse to blackmail me into everything.

"I don't want to be prettified," I repeated sullenly.

But, of course, Dessie wouldn't take no for an answer. She grabbed me by the feet and dragged me out of bed so that I fell with a loud clunk. I sat up and rubbed my now bruised ass, glaring at Dessie. "Fine, fine; I'm up. Where's Konan?"

Gleefully, Dessie led me down the hallway to Konan's room, which she had to herself seeing as she was the only Akatsuki girl (though Dessie is convinced that Leader makes frequent trips there in the middle of the night). Konan's room was exactly as I would expect her room to look. The room was straight and neat with three cream-colored walls and one purple and was decorated with little origami pieces.

"Good morning, Konan," said Dessie as we walked in.

To my surprise I saw that Kate was in there as well, slouching on the end of Konan's bed rather miserable. She smiled rather pathetically at Dessie and me before saying, "I wish I could go."

"All the Akatsuki males are afraid you'll fall in love with them if they ask you anywhere," I explained sitting on the bed next to Kate. "So what are you here for then?"

"Konan and I have been picking out your outfits."

I glanced at Kate, whose sense of fashion consisted of jeans with jeans in the knees and baggy t-shirts. Then, I said, "My sense of fashion is far better than yours."

"Don't rub it in," she muttered.

A cheerful Dessie hopped down on the bed beside us and grinned excitedly. "So what have you picked out, Konan?"

Without a word, Konan moved to her closet and pulled out two outfits. I had to admit she had style – and a taste for other people's style. The outfit she'd chosen for me was a simple, large flower shirt that fell to my thighs and black leggings underneath. Dessie, on the other hand, wore shorts over fish-net tights and a clingy black shirt which emphasized the bust which she was so proud of. I won't bore you with the rest of the details of our wardrobe, but, of the most part, Konan ended the clothing with a large sunflower hair clip which she fastened in behind my ear.

"To make Tobi jealous," she explained. "I got to put a flower in your hair."

With a laugh, Dessie jumped across the room to examine herself in the mirror. "Damn, I look hot!"

"Humility is a vitue," I said.

"The meek may inherit the earth, but for now it belongs to the conceited like me." Dessie grinned.

"You're awful. I hope no one ever takes life lessons from the nonsense that comes out of your mouth. That person will live a life of complete b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t."

Dessie giggled delightedly. "But it works. I'm dating Itachi Uchiha, am I not?"

"Not willingly," I hissed under my breath.

Whether Dessie heard me or not, I don't know, but either way she acted as if she hadn't. Instead, she checked her watch and, sure enough, it was noon. She grabbed me by the wrist and hauled me outside into the living room where Itachi and Kisame were waiting. To my surprise, neither of them was wearing their Akatsuki cloaks, but rather they had on plain t-shirts and jeans with jackets over them (it was winter after all).

"Okay," I said grimly. "Let's get this over with."

"Don't sound so negative," said Dessie, elbowing me in the ribs. "Just admit your crazy in love with Kisame."

Groaning, I glanced in Kisame's direction and saw his wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"I know I'm irresistible," he said. "Just admit you fell for the Blue's charm."

"Dear God – I am going to die."

I am freezing my ass off and I blame Dessie. Her idea of a 'date' is dragging the four of us out in the winter snow to go swimming in a lake which is now frozen solid. What the hell is wrong with that psychotic bitch!

"I didn't think it'd be frozen," said Dessie thoughtfully.

"It's the middle of fucking December!" I screamed. "Of course it'd be frozen." Then, after some consideration, I asked, "Did you even bring swimsuits?"

Dessie nodded mutely and opened the shoulder bag she had brought with her. She pulled out four swimsuits: two flowery bikinis for us and two…speedos for Itachi and Kisame. I gawped at the swimsuits for a moment, unwanted mental images flashing through my mind.

"Gah! My eyes!" I screamed. "They burn!"

"What happened?" asked Kisame, approaching us after he and Itachi had taken a run around the lake. Itachi followed behind Kisame, shuffling awkwardly as if reluctant to get near Dessie.

I tried to stuff the swimsuits back in Dessie's bag, but Kisame saw the speedos and a sick, twisted smile curved about his lips.

"You want to get me in my underwear all you had to do was ask."

Dessie shrieked. "Hannah! I always thought I was the perverted one of the group. Now I find you doing kinky things with Kisame!"

"Hell no!" I screamed. "Goddammit! I hate you, Kisame!"

Kisame leaned over and whispered loudly in Dessie's ear, "She's like a cactus – she acts prickly on the surface, but inside – she's juicy sweet."

"Oh-ho."

I spun around and grabbed Itachi by the arm, glaring at Kisame and Dessie. "I've changed my mind – I'm going on a date with Itachi – you and your lover boy, Kisame, can have all the private time you need." Then, I turned to Itachi and said, "Let's go for a stroll."

"No!" screamed Dessie, sprinting towards us. "Hottie is my boyfriend!"

Itachi grabbed my wrist and pulled me out onto the icy surface of the lake, fleeing Dessie as fast as he could. I followed, barely able to keep up with Itachi's speed. Then we stepped onto the ice and my legs almost gave out beneath me as I slipped and slid. However, much to my surprise, Itachi held me up and continued fleeing across the ice.

"Wait! Hottie! Come back!" screamed Dessie. She stepped onto the lake's surface and, within three seconds flat, fell smack on her face. "Ow…"

"You're a little slow," said Kisame as he stepped out onto the ice and gazed down at the fallen Dessie.

"Shut up and help me catch my boyfriend," said Dessie, staggering to her feet. She fell again and Kisame simply stood over her, laughing. When Dessie next tried to stand up, Kisame raced away, sliding along the ice as if he had skates on instead of flat shoes.

"Don't leave me here!" screamed Dessie.

I turned around, now standing with Itachi somewhere in the middle of the lake. "I think you're safe now."

"Hn."

Itachi moved away from me, leaving me stranded on the ice. I cautiously slid forward, only to feel my feet collapse beneath me and, with a heavy slam, I landed face first on the ice.

Slowly, I crawled along the ice on my hands and knees – afraid that if I were to stand up, I would break something valuable.

"You look like a slug," said Kisame as he skated by.

"Shut up," I snapped. "I expect a steaming mug of a hot chocolate when I get back to terra firma."

Kisame grinned. "Would like some marshmallows with that?"

"Yes," I said, my hands slowly turning a bright shade of blue. "And be quick about it. You should buy Dessie some as well…as apology…." I glanced pityingly at the poor girl who lay curled up in a ball of pain on the banks of the lake.

"Itachi should buy some for her," said Kisame. He snickered. "Since Itachi is her boyfriend."

"I almost feel sorry for Dessie," I muttered.

"What about Itachi?"

"Meh. He'll get over it."

Kisame laughed and, with a farewell solute, he skated off after Itachi. Soon, the two of them disappeared into the forest as they headed towards the nearby town to by some hot chocolate.

After a good five minutes of crawling, I reached the bank beside Dessie and sat down on the snow covered land.

"This was a disaster of a date," I told her.

Dessie sniffled, still holding her sides in pain. "I hate the winter…"

"I'm more of a summer girl myself," I said reasonably. "And you are…autumn – right?"

Dessie smiled. "As our old teacher would say – autumn is when the trees catch on fire, but never burn."

"Ah, Mrs. Debar. If there is one thing back on Earth that I don't miss, Mrs. Debar is it. Her English classes were torture." I smiled fondly at the memory of many hours wasted doodling in her class. "Remember the time she busted Kate for sleeping in her class… Mrs. Debar practically blew a fuse."

"Good times, good times…" Dessie's voice trailed off and her gaze focused suddenly on something in the distance. And immediately spark started to glow in Dessie's eyes and her body grew tense, as if on red-alert. I knew those signs very well; it meant that a new hottie had just entered Dessie's radar.

"Who's there?" I asked under my breath, glancing over my shoulder to see who had caught Dessie's attention.

Two men were walking along the edge of the lake, talking casually. The man who was closest to the lake's edge looked to be somewhere in his late twenties with short, dark brown hair and tanned skin – the obvious hottie of the pair. His companion, however, was pretty good-looking too (though not Dessie's style) with long brown hair that was spiked up in the back, resembling a gigantic pineapple.

"I get the one on our right," muttered Dessie.

I grinned. "What happened to Hottie?"

Dessie smiled back. "My boyfriend is on a whole different level."

"Of course–"

A hand struck my hard in the side of the head. My whole body seized up and I felt the edges of my vision blur. In front of me, Dessie collapsed to the ground, the figure of a busty, blond female standing above her.

It's a kidnapping, I realized with sudden horror. We're being kidnapped.

At this, I almost laughed aloud. My body started falling towards the ground and one thought flashed through my mind. Rule Number Eighteen: Avoid Dessie – she gets kidnapped by the enemy far too much and it has disastrous consequences.

When I opened my eyes, I was tied next to Dessie at the base of a tree. Unlike me, she was still asleep, snoring softly and mumbling something about her 'collection' – Warg knows what she's thinking about!

Determined to pay as little attention to Dessie as possible, I turned to observe my surroundings. We were in the middle of a forest with trees surrounding us. Four figures were sleeping under the light of the rising sun, a dimly burning campfire between them. Two of the four figures, I realized, were the men from the lake – the hottie with short hair and the good-looking pineapple. Then, there was a blond girl dressed in purple and a chubby boy. They were all shinobi.

"You're awake."

I glanced over to see the pineapple gazing at me with level eyes. He had not been sleeping, like I had first assumed, but was rather keeping watch.

"Yeah," I said offhandedly. "What's it to you?"

"Questioning."

"Have fun with that."

He watched me silently for a moment. "What's your name?"

I debated not telling him, but, after awhile, I decided there would be no harm in it. "Hannah O'Reilly. You?"

"Shikamaru Nara."

"That's a mouthful of a first name," I said slightly amazed. "Can I just call you Shika?"

"No."

"Oh. Maru then?"

"No."

I smiled. "Too bad. I've grown fond of Maru. So, Maru, what're your companions' names?" I inclined my head in the direction of the sleeping people.

"Chouji, Asuma, and Ino," said Shikamaru wearily. "Don't call me Maru."

"This is Desdemona Lee – but you can call her Dessie or Idiot, either on works." I tried to shrug, but the ropes that bond me to the tree stopped the movement and rubbed irritably against my skin. "So why'd you kidnap us?"

"You're with the Akatsuki."

"Why is everything about the Akatsuki?" I asked. "Why can't someone just kidnap us for once because we're worth kidnapping? Someone just say 'wow. You people are really valuable. Let's kidnap you.' But no! It's always about the stupid shitheads in the Akatsuki."

"Er…"

There was the sound of rustling blanket and the blond haired girl – Ino – sat up, rubbing her eyes wearily. She caught sight of Shikamaru and me and stared.

"Fraternizing with the enemy, Shika?" she asked.

"That's it," I said sarcastically. "He couldn't resist my feminine charm and witty conversation. I am quite the flirt."

Shikamaru groaned. "Troublesome women."

"Does he have a thing against chicks?" I asked Ino curiously.

She ignored me, speaking to Shikamaru instead. "So, during your fraternization, did you get any good information on the Akatsuki?"

"She's not going to open her mouth so easily," pointed out Shikamaru.

"What makes you say that?" I asked. "I'll happily tell you all sorts of things about the Akatsuki. Let's see…First, there's Kisame – a fucking pervert who looks like Fish Fry, though actually he's half-shark or something. Then there's Itachi – the guy never speaks and when he does all he ever says is 'hn'. He's actually currently 'dating' my friend Dessie, though in reality he was tricked into it by Kisame. After that you have Deidara and Tobi. Deidara is a psychopathic pyromaniac blond fur ball whose goal in life to blow everything to smithereens. Tobi is – if possible – even worse. He speaks about himself in third person and refers to Dessie and me as…nunus? And after that, there's Hidan and Kakuzu. Kakuzu is a money-loving, gambling version of Doctor Oc and Hidan is Jashinist Zombie Whore. Zetsu is...my husband technically and spends more of his time with plans than with humans – literally since he lives in one. And then, Konan is the queen bee of the Akatsuki who Dessie swears has a 'thing' with Leader…" I wracked my brains for any more information. "No, that's about it."

Ino and Shikamaru were gawping at me.

"See," I said cheerfully. "All you had to do was ask."

"You're married to an Akatsuki member?" asked Shikamaru disbelievingly.

I groaned. "That's all you got out of that?"

"No…but…really?"

"Long story. We generally pretend it never happened."

Silence filled the clearing as both Shikamaru and Ino wondered if I really was insane. And then, from out of the silence, a voice said:

"Mine are way bigger."

We all turned to stare at Dessie who, as of now, was awake. She was staring, rather irritably, at Ino's chest. Flustered, Ino wrapped her arms around her body and asked, "What?"

"You shitty whore," said Dessie. "Trying to flaunt your chest around like that – well, guess what, Blondie, my bust is way bigger – and bouncier," she added thoughtfully.

I smacked the back of my head against the tree. "You wake up after being kidnapped and that is the only thing you can say?"

"Yeah," said Dessie nonchalantly. "Why?"

"We are so screwed."

A/N: Dessie Gets Kidnapped - AGAIN. Poor Hannah.