Chapter Nineteen: Death of a Hottie

Rule Number Nineteen: In the Akatsuki being a prostitute is a good thing – it means they'll save you for the sake of money

Dessie

I have to say, travelling with Asuma, Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino is a lot more pleasant than doing so with Sasuke and Kabuto. Both groups have hotties (Asuma, whom I have named the Dark Hottie, and Sasuke, the Mini-Hottie). And then, both groups have their share of bitches (Kabuto and Ino). Shikamaru, in addition to not being that bad looking, is a decent conversation. Ino, on the other hand, is a total cow to me (I think she took offense at being called a whore with a small chest – I can't imagine why).

Team 10 (the official name of our kidnappers) were taking us back to a village called Konoha, where we would be interrogated for information involving the Akatsuki. Of course, that didn't stop Team 10 from asking question on the journey. Hannah and I were more than willing to give them the dirt on the Akatsuki, just not the dirt Team 10 wanted.

"So what are you to the Akatsuki?" asked Asuma (Ah! *insert drooling here* DARK HOTTIE!) "Informants? Friends? Lovers? Wives?"

"Whores," I said.

They all stared at me.

"Well," I corrected myself. "We're fake whores – but whores nonetheless."

"Er…" Chouji glanced around. "Then aren't you glad we kidnapped you?"

"Glad?" I asked. "Psht. No. It was fun being fake whores – call it a life experience. Hey, Hannah? Do you think I can put 'fake prostitute' on my resume?"

"Probably not," she said, not even looking in my direction.

"Don't ignore me, bitch," I said, and then turned back to Team 10. "Correct what I said. Kate's the only real Akatsuki whore. I'm dating Itachi Uchiha and Hannah's married to Zetsu – though I think she's having an affair with Kisame." Suddenly I laughed. "We could have our own TV show with all this Akatsuki drama!"

"Warg smite you," muttered Hannah.

"Warg loves me," I replied. "I was his first disciple."

"And his only."

"Who is Warg?" asked Shikamaru curiously.

Both Hannah and I exchanged amused glances. Then, we turned to face Team 10 as we walked through the forest. Identical evil grins spread across our faces (we must have a psychic connection).

"It's a secret," I whispered.

"If we told you, we would be forced to kill you."

"Painfully," I added. "We might have to take a leaf out of Hidan's book and kill you Jashin style." I cackled maliciously.

"You do realize that killing someone Jashin-style would involve suicide," said Hannah thoughtfully. "So, unless you're immortal like Hidan, you're kind of screwed."

"Oh yeah…"

"Immortal?" asked Asuma.

As I turned to regard him, my expression softened considerably (I have a weak spot for hotties, in case you haven't noticed). Asuma seemed to notice my gentle expression, because he backed away slightly to stay out of my reach. But, I kept on walking (sneak attacks are always best). "Hidan is a Zombie Whore," I explained.

"How many fucking times do I have to tell you that I am not a fucking Zombie Whore!"

The shrill sound of Hidan's voice in full-swear mode came echoing through the forest. Everyone spun around, trying to locate where the voice was coming from. Suddenly, the three figures of Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kate appeared amongst the forest trees.

"Hannah! Dessie!" cried Kate. Then, she caught sight of the ropes binding us. "What happened!"

"We were kidnapped, bitch," I explained. "By Pineapple, Dark Hottie, Fatty, and the Flat-Chested Whore."

Ino rounded on me, fuming. "I am not flat chested!"

I smiled and wiggled my hips in front of Ino. "You are compared to my sensuous bust. Look a these juicy mangos!" She laughed and hopped around on the spot. "A pig like you cannot compare to an Aphrodite like me!"

Ino turned to Hannah with an expression of horror on her face. "Is she always like this?"

"Oh yes," Hannah said. "Always."

"It makes her a good prostitute," said Kakuzu. "We make lots of money off her – more than her stick-like friends. I'm lucky a brothel is even willing to pay for them." (Rule Number Nineteen: Being an Akatsuki Prostitute is a good thing – it makes them want to rescue you when you're kidnapped)

"See," I said joyously. "I'm sensuous."

"Nah. Just voluminous – other than that your sexual attractiveness is zero."

"Hottie finds me sexy."

Hidan snorted. "A whore like you is not sexy – you're just there for the show."

"Fake whore," I snapped. "I'm still pure."

"You've never been pure," pointed out Kakuzu. "But we like to pretend you are. It fetches a higher price on the market – perverts who go to brothels pay more for that kind of thing–"

"Stop it!" screamed Kate, covering her ears with her hands. "I don't have to listen to this!"

"Aren't you a whore too?" asked Chouji confusedly. "Don't you know all this kinky stuff already?"

Kate let out a tiny shriek. "Me! A whore!"

"She's more like one of those sacrificial virgins," I explained cheerfully. "Hannah's one of those cactus whores and I'm the busty type – for masochists only." I snickered at the sight of Asuma and Shikamaru's horrified expressions. "You're secretly an S and M fan too?"

"My purity is going down the drain!" moaned Kate.

"Let's hold a funeral for it," Hannah said sarcastically. "We'll make a tiny little tombstone with an inscription saying 'it's all Dessie's fault'."

"Glad to be of service."

Chouji looked as though he were about to have a mental breakdown, while Shikamaru's face turned sour as though a little bit of his soul had just died (apparently shinobi don't get out much nowadays). Asuma look rather relaxed about the whole thing, while Ino's face was a very vivid shade of red.

"I'd rather we all start killing each other," she muttered. "Rather than listen to a minute more of this."

Hidan seemed delighted by this comment. "Hell, yeah! Who's first?"

"Wrong choice of words, Ino," grumbled Shikamaru.

Like the crazy Zombie Whore he is, Hidan cackled with laughter and hurled his three-bladed scythe in the direction of team 10. They leapt out of the way, the scythe burying itself in the trunk of a tree. Hidan yanked it back using the metal cord, and the scythe returned to his hand.

"Don't steal my bitches, you bastards!"

"Hidan!" cried Hannah is mock horror. "I didn't know you cared so much."

"Shut up, bitch."

Long, black tentacles shot out of Kakuzu and wound themselves around Hannah and me. They cut the ropes binding us and lifted us back to the Akatsuki's side, where Kate immediately embraced us.

"I was so worried! When Itachi and Kisame returned saying you'd disappeared – we'd though Oro-Ugly had kidnapped you again!"

"Medusa wouldn't go within kicking radius of me," I said proudly. "He'll never be able to rape Mini-Hottie again."

We turned out attention back to Hidan's fight. He was busy battling Shikamaru and Asuma while Ino and Chouji kept their eyes fixate on Kakuzu, afraid that he would interfere with the fight (never mind the fact that Hidan warned Kakuzu to stay out of it).

At the moment Hidan had the upper hand in the battle, simply because Asuma and Shikamaru had no clue what to do with Hidan's immortal rituals. However, soon enough, after Hidan stepped into the circle in the middle of an explosion, Shikamaru began to figure it out. Asume knelt on the ground, great burn marks spreading along his arm and neck – ruining his perfect body.

"Hidan!" I screamed, storming across the clearing to where he stood.

"What, whore?" he asked irritably.

"Don't hurt the hottie! Go kill the flat-chestes chick!" And with that I slapped his skeletal cheek, leaving a large, red handprint

About ten feet away, Asuma cried out in pain and an identical mark appeared on his cheek.

"Ah!" I cried, leaping away from the bloody circle Hidan had drawn. "I'm sorry, hottie! I forgot! I forgot! I didn't mean to do that perfect, god-like face harm! Ah! I did damage to a hottie!"

Hannah stormed across the clearing and grabbed me by the wrist, dragging me back to the sidelines. "Sit down and shut up. You're embarrassing us."

Grouchily, I folded my arms and sat down on the forest floor Indian-style. Hannah stood above me, her expression somber and Kate beside her, looking as nervous as always. And, like always, Kakuzu was bored.

Hidan drew out his scythe and turned to grin at Asuma. "Prepare to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama!"

I scowled. "Don't kill the hottie, Hidan!"

He ignored me.

Oh, wonderful readers, you should have seen the fight. Hidan was like a psychopathic nutcase (which sums him up pretty well). He laughed and cursed and was suicidal – poor Asuma was completely overwhelmed by the immortality of Hidan. Immortality, of course, made Hidan useless. He's over confident and basically runs around like a madman, who cares if he dies – he just comes back to life. And, that, I figure will be Hidan's downfall.

Sure enough, within minutes Asuma had managed to slice off Hidan's head.

"Ah!" cried Kate. "Hidan! You killed him! Hidan!" She turned desperately to Hannah and me, her eyes wide with fear. "They killed him! They killed him!"

"Relax," I said, waving away her concerns. "He's a Zombie Whore, remember – 'zombie' being the key word there. He's fine." And then, rather irritably, I turned to Hidan and shouted, "Get up, you lazy ass!"

"Shut the hell up, bitch!" snapped Hidan's head.

Team 10 gawped at the fallen head, unable to believe their eyes and ears – despite being completely decapitated, Hidan was still swearing as though nothing had happened. The pains of being an immortal.

Annoyed, Kakuzu moved over to his partner's side and lifted Hidan's head off the ground by the hair. Kakuzu glowered down at his partner, obviously not satisfied with the outcome of the match. "Didn't I tell you not to be over confident? Or were you just trying to show off?"

"I asked you to help! Instead you insist on being late!"

With a weary sigh, Kakuzu placed Hidan's head back on his body, using tentacles to hold the body up. Kakuzu's black ropes stitched Hidan's neck together and soon the Akatsuki pair stood side by side again, as good as new.

"Let me finish that fucker off," snarled Hidan, turning to face Asuma.

"Leave the hottie alone!" I shouted. "He can't help it that he's better than you!"

Hidan spun around. "I am the best, bitch! He should be thankful that Jashin-sama is going to receive his sacrifice!"

"Bleeeeeeh." I stuck my tongue out at him. "Warg is not amused."

"Warg is shithead – a dead shithead!"

I gasped. "Did you just insult the great and mighty and all-powerful Warg? Blasphemy! You heathen! May Warg punish you in the afterlife – a thousand curses upon you shiny, silver head!"

"I'm immortal," snapped Hidan. "There is no afterlife for me."

"Oh right." I considered this for a second. "Then Warg will just have to punish you in this life instead."

"Whore!'

"Fake whore!"

Hidan smirked. "Well then, fake whore. Watch this!" And with that, his hand jerked out and his scythe went flying across the clearing to slice open Asuma's cheek.

"Gah!"

Blood dripped down Asuma's face as the scythe came flying back to Hidan's hands. Shikamaru cried out his teacher's name, but if fell of deaf ears. Hidan licked the blood of the scythe's blades and stepped backwards into the circle he had drawn.

"Death to you, shithead!" he screamed and then stabbed himself in the heart.

"AH!"

Unable to do more than gasp, Asuma clutched his stomach, gasping for breath. Slowly, bit-by-bit, the life drained out of him and he collapsed to the ground. The members of his team crowded around him, weeping and calling out his name repeatedly.

"Hidan!"

I leapt to my feet, even though Hannah tried to stop me, and I stormed across the clearing to Hidan.

"What, bitch?"

I kicked him between the legs, hard, hoping to stamp the life out of him.

"Eep…" Hidan sunk to the ground, shuddering in agonizing pain. Across the clearing Asuma cried out too.

"Oops," I said, remembering that Hidan was still in the circle (that's twice now!). "Sorry, Dark Hottie! It wasn't on purpose!" And then, I grabbed Hidan by the ankles and dragged him out of the circle before returning to the torture routine.

"Die, you asshole!" I screamed, kicking him in the ribs. "How dare you harm a hottie! How dare you kill one! How dare you! How dare you! Asshole!"

"Ouch! Ow! Ah! Ow! Dessie!"

Hidan rolled along the ground, trying to avoid my ferocious kicks and punches. I chased after him, dealing out blow after blow until he was yelping in pain every time he moved even an inch.

And them suddenly, a strong arm wrapped around my waist and lifted me off the ground. I found myself slung over Kakuzu's broad shoulder. Angrily, I screamed and started kicking him too, but Kakuzu ignored me, turning to Hidan instead.

"Leader wants us back. Let's go."

And with that, Kakuzu carried me away into the forest with the other three following. We left Asuma dead in the middle of the forest with his teammates weeping over his head body, their eyes turned hatefully towards us.

I think I just made my first line-long enemy. Oops

A/N: Anyways, Asuma will be remembered in all our hearts RIP. Please review this chapter! Otherwise Hidan will sacrifice you to Jashin-sama! (And then Dessie will sacrifice you a second time to Warg...)