Chapter Twenty: Mr. Nibbles' Revenge

Rule Number Twenty: This story is weird – then again, is there any Akatsuki story where the plot is actually normal!

Kate

About a day has passed since we left Team 10 standing over the dead body of Asuma. Dessie is still heartbroken over his death and takes to beating up Hidan in random moments of sorrow. Kakuzu and Hannah think it's funny (they're the emotionless type who laugh at the suffering of others). I was a little concerned for Hidan's well-being. After all, if he ever wanted to have kids in future, Dessie was going to ruin any chance of that for him. Then again, I can't really see the Hidan-Daddy image…

We were still wandering through the forest when Team 10 caught back up with us. Thinking that the shinobi would be too concerned with the funeral preparations to come after us, we had travelled slowly. Now, however, as we stood amongst cramped trees in the forest, we regretted the sloth pace.

I have to give team 10; they certainly won on the ambush approach.

The five of us, Hidan, Kakuzu, Hannah, Dessie, and I, had been walking through the forest chatting normally (that is to say, a lot of loud swearing and arguments going between Dessie and Hannah with Kakuzu and Hannah placing bets). None of us expected the shadows creeping towards to actually be deadly.

Kakuzu and Hidan saw the attack first, being the S-rank shinobi that they are, and leapt out of the way. At least Kakuzu had the decency to cry out: "Watch it!"

Dessie and Hannah had the athletic ability and reflexes to jump out of the way before the shadow could ensnare them. Me, on the other hand, I fell right into Shikamaru's trap. The shadows bound me to the spot, my body going rigid as if invisible bonds tied me to the ground.

"They got Kate!" called out Dessie, from her spot by the tree.

"Why bother?" asked Hannah. "It's not like Kate can do anything."

"I appreciate your support!" I said, struggling against the shadow bindings. "They were aiming for Kakuzu and Hidan."

"Well, they didn't get us," said Hidan triumphantly.

And then a kunai went soaring past his head.

"Oops!" Hidan dodged it easily and turned to grin at us. "Low ranking shinobi at worth a sh–"

The second round of fire came at Hidan – this time in the form of a chakra blade (much likes the ones Asuma used – oh wait. They are the ones Asuma used).

Hidan dodged the chakra blades too, but did not expect the binding shadows to creep out of the blades too. Suddenly, Hidan found himself rooted to the spot in a body bind like me. He struggled helplessly and then let out a string of curse words that singed the ears.

"Don't be a pissy-pants," said Dessie cheerfully. "You got caught fair-in-square."

A dozen or so feet away, Kakuzu was facing a similar situation. He had been caught in Shikamaru's shadow and was rooted to the spot, unable to move an inch. And, in this situation, the only people free were Dessie and Hannah – not the most heroic or skillful of the bunch.

"I've caught you."

Shikamaru with his pineapple hair style stepped out from behind a tree, his expression very concentrated as he focused on keeping us trapped in the shadows.

"Shut the hell up, shithead!" shouted Hidan, as charming as always. "Let us go."

"Like he's really going to listen to you," said Kakuzu, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"He should!" snapped Hidan. "He'll be lucky is Jashin-sama finds his sacrifice worthy! If anything Jashin-sama will spit him back out in disgust! Heathen!"

"Warg is disgusted by you," muttered Dessie.

"Shut up!"

Shikamaru suddenly raised his head, staring determinedly at us. "You kill my sensei."

"With the best intentions," said Hannah reasonably. "He was going to kill Hidan and Kakuzu. They did it in self defense."

"I said shut up!"

"Whatever you say, Maru…" Hannah shrugged, completely disinterested in Shikamaru's grudge.

Shikamaru smiled and, suddenly, Hidan was running. He was running with his scythe raised above his head through the forest towards Kakuzu. Kakuzu's eyes widened in sudden surprise, horrified that Hidan was going to kill him. Bound by Shikamaru's shadow, Kakuzu was frozen to the spot, unable to avoid Hidan's scythe.

"Hello no!"

With a vicious vengeance, Dessie came flying through the forest, he leg extended in front of her. Before anyone could even register what was going on, Dessie's foot made contact with Hidan's jaw and he went flying to the forest floor in agony.

"Ow…bitch," snarled Hidan, unable to move.

Shikamaru stood to the side, his head downturned as he clutched his jaw, which had been injured when Dessie kicked Hidan. Shikamaru's shadows subsided, inching away back to their master. The shock of Dessie's blow being channeled through Hidan had broken Shikamaru's concentration and caused the ninjutsu to break.

"AH!" cried Dessie in horror. "You Zombie Whore! You made me hurt another good-looking guy!"

"Can't you just worry about your teammates wellbeing?" asked Hidan, staggering to his feet. "Fuck that hurt."

And right about then was when Kakashi stabbed Kakuzu through the heart with a lightning blade.

I remember standing there, suddenly free of the body bind, watched Hidan and Dessie get into yet another fight in the middle of a battle. Then, abruptly, there was the sound of many birds and a cry of agony from Kakuzu. We all turned around to see a great ball of blue-lightning flashing boldly through a hole in Kakuzu's chest. The assailant yanked his arm out from Kakuzu's chest and stepped away, revealing his face – or what he showed of it. Silver-gray hair and a tall build, the majority of his face was hidden behind a face-mask and a headband.

Personally, I thought he looked a little creepy, like he had something to hide, but Dessie, of course, screamed out:

"HOTTIE!"

The "hottie" stepped in front of Kakuzu, his chidori (the ball of lightning) glittering threateningly.

"Don't call assholes that kill your teammate 'hotties'," came the gruff voice of the supposedly dead Kakuzu.

Shocked, Kakashi whipped around, barely managing to dodge a blow that Kakuzu sent his way. Kakashi returned to Shikamru's side and they were soon joined by Ino and Chouji, both looking rather frustrated.

"You're a-alive!" cried Kakashi in horror.

Hannah nodded with a similar expression of disappointment. "He's kind of like Frankenstein's monster."

Dessie cracked up laughing. "A flash of lightning, a scream, and…and… It's alive!" She let out an insidious cackle. "Mysterious Hottie – you have completed my Frankenstein fantasies – thank you."

"Mysterious Hottie?" asked Kakashi confusedly.

"Yep. You can now join my collection with Snow Hottie, Mini-Hottie, Dark Hottie, and Original Hottie – who is now my boyfriend." Dessie giggled delightedly.

Ino leaned over and whispered in Kakashi's ear. "She's a little crazy up here."

"I heard that, you flat-chested whore!"

Ino's face turned a vivid shade of red.

Shikamaru, at least, had the sense to ignore our nonsensical banter. He turned to Kakashi and said, with the upmost seriousness, "We'll have to use that."

"That!" I cried, out, my voice breaking a little in rampant fear. "That's really not necessary! What is that? Can't we all just get along and not use that? I'm a peace advocate you know! I'm nothing like those horrible girls and violent criminals! I was…I was kidnapped – there's really no need to use that!"

Everyone stared.

"Nice to know who your friends are," muttered Hannah.

I laughed pathetically. "You know I love you…"

"Lies."

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

At the sound of Hidan's shrill voice with its incessant cursing, we all turned around to see him standing beside Kakuzu in yet another shadow bind. Hidan was glowering at Shikamaru, about to murder the brat of the insult of the situation. Apparently, while the rest of us were distracted with conversation, Shikamaru had crept his shadow bind around the forest and captured Hidan in it yet again (we all know Hidan isn't the brightest bulb in the bunch).

"What is this! Pick on Hidan Day?"

"Yep," said Dessie somewhat joyously. "It's my favorite day of the year where the world joins in unison to make your life miserable."

Hidan chose to ignore her and instead rounded on Shikamaru. "Let me go you shithead! Let me go and I'll kill you! I won't even sacrifice you to Jashin-sama – I'll just kill you brutally!"

"And that's really persuasive," said Hannah sarcastically.

"Let's go for a little run," said Shikamaru softly. "At least you'll get to see the scenery before your death…"

"What the h–"

But before Hidan could finished that sentence, Shikamaru spun around and started sprinting off into the forest. Since he was captured in the shadow body bind, Hidan had no choice but to mimic Shikamaru, racing through the woods along side of him. The rest of us remained in the clearing, gawping after them in horror.

"Well, shit," said Dessie.

"The brat's got something set up in advance," muttered Hannah. "Hidan's probably going to die – or worse."

"Yeah…"

And, for a moment, I thought Dessie looked sort of troubled. She contemplated the situation for a minute and then said, rather decisively, "No one's killing the fucking Zombie Whore but me!" and ran into the forest after Shikamaru and Hidan.

"Her boyfriend is going to be very upset," said Hannah rather amusedly.

Kakuzu grunted. "Sarcasm is not welcome."

Hannah shrugged and turned and regarded the situation before us. "So, Pineapple, Hidan, and Dessie have all run off, leaving us with the Masked-Guy, Blondie, and Fatty–"

"What did you just call me!"

We all turned to stare at Chouji, his dark brown eyes sparkling with some newfound vengeance. The gentle demeanor of his had fallen away and now he glowered at Hannah with pure hatred.

"Eep." I ducked my head and skipped behind Kakuzu in my hopes not to be seen.

Hannah, on the other hand, stared apathetically at Chouji. "I called you a fatty – spelt f-a-t-t-y. Go a problem with that?"

"I am not fat – I am chubby!" screamed Chouji.

Suddenly, he charged towards Hannah, drawing a kunai out of his pocket. Hannah yelped in fear and leapt out of the way as a giant ball of Chouji came rolling past. However, just when Hanah thought she was safe, Chouji hit a tree behind her and came bouncing back for the second attack.

"Look out for the fatty!" I screamed desperately.

Hannah froze, to stare at me. And, before Chouji could hit her too, he stopped and turned to face me.

"What did you just call me!"

"Er…um…nothing…"

"Chub! Chub! This is chub!" he cried over and over again, beating his chest passionately. "I am not fat – simply chubby."

I buried my face in my hands. "Waaaaah! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! Please don't hurt me, Mr. Chub!"

Silence filled the forest as everyone stared at me. Hannah looked faintly amused, while Ino looked more taken aback than anything and Chouji looked murderous. I couldn't tell what Kakashi thought since his face was covered by a mask. And then, suddenly, Ino spoke:

"A chicken like that hangs out with the Akatsuki?"

More silence.

"Now you've done it," said Hannah.

"Done what?"

I was red. Bright red. And not the usually blushing kind of red – the burning, fiery, angry red. The edges of my vision seemed to fuzz out as my rage took over.

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A "COWARDLY" CHICKEN!"

"Mr. Nibbles," explained Hannah.

Ino was cowered slightly, her blue eyes wide with complete shock. I strode out from behind Kakuzu and glowered at Ino, ready to beat the shit out of her (in the words of Dessie).

"NO ONE – AND I MEAN NO ONE – CAN CALL CHICKENS COWARDLY!"

"W-w-w-what's wrong with cowardly chickens?" asked Ino, backing away slightly.

"MR. NIBBLES WAS THE MOST HEROIC CHICKEN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN! YOU CAN CALL ME COWARDLY AND TIMID BUT WHEN YOU CALL ME A CHICKEN I CAN'T STAND IT! MR. NIBBLES RISKED HIS LIFE TO SAVE MINE – MAY THE BRAVE SOUL OF THE CHICKEN REST IN PEACE!"

"What are you on about?" asked Ino.

I didn't answer. Instead, I leapt at Ino and punched her in the eye. With a gasp, she went tumbling backwards, tripping over a tree root and landing on her butt. She clutched her eye, which was beginning to swell, and glared up at me.

"What the hell is wrong with you, bitch?"

"MR. NIBBLES' REVENGE!"

Ino screamed. Suddenly, he body went limp and she collapsed, lying among the bottom of the tree, her body draped over the roots.

"She fainted…" observed Kakashi. "Wow. That is one scary girl."

Kakuzu leaned over and muttered to Hannah. "What happened to the cowardly Kate?"

"Ino mentioned a chicken," explained Hannah.

"I gathered that much. What about chickens?"

"When Kate was six-years-old she spent the summer at her grandparents' farm. There she befriended a chicken by the name of Mr. Nibbles. One day Kate accidentally wandered into the bulls' pastor and was attacked. Mr. Nibbles had somehow gotten out of the coup and jumped into the pastor with Kate and the bull. The bull immediately forgot about Kate and chased after Mr. Nibbles instead. Mr. Nibbles died in the attack, but he saved poor Kate – may that beloved chicken rest in peace."

I could hear the sound of Hannah telling Kakuzu the story of the heroic Mr. Nibbles. However, I was paying little attention to the story as I turned my attentions to Chouji and started attacking him at well.

Before long, Chouji was lying on the ground in an unconscious state of shock. I stood there, panting, about to turn my rabid attentions to Kakashi when Hannah called out to me.

"Kate! You can stop now!"

I glanced back at her, rather surprised. "Yeah?"

"You did a good job, Kate," said Hannah. "Mr. Nibbles would be proud."

An expression of great relief crossed my face and tears formed at the corners of me eyes. I staggered across the forest floor and flung my arms around Hannah's neck joyously. "Is Mr. Nibbles resting peacefully in heaven?"

Hannah patted my back awkwardly. "You owe me ten bucks, Kakuzu."

"Eh?" I pushed away from Hannah and stared at her in shock.

"Stupid blonds," muttered Kakuzu as he passed Hannah ten bucks from his wallet.

"What's this about?" I asked confusedly.

"Kakuzu and I made a bet on whether I could get you to stop beating people up and hug me," explained Hannah cheerfully. "I won."

"You bet on me…" I whined (rather pathetically if I might add). "You bet n my love for Mr. Nibbles."

"And won," said Hannah.

"You–"

But before I could tell Hannah exactly how I felt there was a puff of smoke from somewhere beside Kakashi and the two unconscious members of Team 10. I whipped around to see four people standing there – a pale boy with dark hair, a man with hooded eyes, a girl with obnoxiously pink hair, and a blond boy in orange.

Immediately, the blond stepped forward and grinned at us triumphantly. "The hero of the story always arrives late – Victims have no fear, villains tremble in your boots for Naruto Uzumaki here to save the day!" He bowed.

The rest of us stared.

And stared.

And stared a little more.

Hannah coughed. "Is it just me or does this story keep getting weirder and weirder?"

Rule Number Twenty: Yes, this story is weird.