Chapter Twenty-One: It

Rule Number Twenty-One: Don't ever, ever, and I mean ever make Kakuzu lose patience – he turns into one ugly critter that is far more frightening than his fighting style.

Hannah

I was sitting in a tree next to Kate.

We weren't there voluntarily, but Kakuzu was known to make a mess when he fought and it was best for the two of us to stay out of the way. So, we climbed a tree and sat in one of the lower branches to watch.

Kakashi, Yamato, Naruto, Sakura, and Sai (I had managed to learn all their names in such a short amount of time) were busy conferencing on the other side of a tree several feet away from Kakuzu. Kakuzu seemed perfectly fine to let them hold council (he figured it would make the fight more interesting if they had tie mot plan everything). Personally, I thought it was boring.

"I don't like the pink haired girl," said Kate.

I glanced at the girl with short hair the color of cherry blossoms, and then turned to Kate. "Why?"

"She seems too likeable," said Kate. "She reminds me of my cousin."

"Ah. That psychotic nutcase named Sonia who could possibly rival Dessie in boycrazidom?" I examined Sakura again and then nodded. "But, unlike Dessie, is really popular with the guys?"

Kate nodded. "Dessie would be popular if she weren't so…"

"Insane?"

"Yeah."

For a moment, we sat there in silence, examining the group of Konoha shinobi. Then, suddenly, the boy with black hair raised his head and met our eyes. I stared back at him briefly, a sort of irrational irritation rising in my throat. Perhaps the guy was kind of good-looking – especially my "type" (a thought which horrifies Dessie and Kate). And then, of course, Sai stares at me and opens his mouth:

"Donkey."

"Eh?"

He regarded me again carefully and then said, "Donkey girl – like an apathetic old man in a rocking chair."

Sakura, who had been standing beside Sai turned to see who he was talking about. She looked from me to Sai and then back – and burst out laughing. "At least it's better than ugly."

That irritated me. I was not a donkey. And so, I sat there a glowered at Sai, planning his death a thousand times over. Kate did not help the situation.

"I don't think she likes her nickname!"

Sai turned to regard Kate and then said, rather decisively, "Cutie."

Immediately, Kate's face turned a vivid shade of red and she turned her head away. "Hannah!" she whispered to me. "I think it was love at first sight!"

I groaned. Was I really being compared to this creature?

"Sakura, Sai!" said Yamato firmly. "Focus."

They did and soon, after a command from Kakashi, the two of them bounded away into the forest to help Shikamaru. Hopefully, Dessie would eat the two of them alive (she had been known to be a little too violent on occasion; I can only hope this was one of those times).

Then, after all the careful planning, the three shinobi left behind – Naruto, Yamato, and Kakashi – turned to face Kakuzu.

"Are you ready for some ass-kicking Naruto-style!"

The blond was getting more and more on my nerves the more time that went by.

"Do I really have to fight this idiot?" asked Kakuzu wearily.

"He may look like an idiot, but he is a good shinobi," Kakashi reassured us.

"I don't know," said Kakuzu doubtfully. "He looks as though even Kate could beat him up."

"Kate?" Kakashi glanced at the tree where the two of us sat. He caught sight of Kate and nodded. "Oh. Cutie."

Kate giggled gleefully and turned to me. "So many to choose from? Sai or Kakashi? Dessie might kill me if I chase after Kakashi though… But they both think I'm so cute!"

I pushed her out of the tree.

There was a satisfying thump as she hit the ground a few feet below. Yamato, Naruto, and Kakashi regarded us with the upmost horror, unable to believe that I had just pushed my best friend out of a tree.

"Isn't that abuse?" asked Kakashi.

"Probably," I slipped out of the tree and landed on the ground beside Kate to make sure no substantial brain damage had occurred.

The moment I touched her head, however, Kate slapped my hand away weakly and cried, "Hannah! So mean! That really hurt!"

I turned to the Konoha shinobi and shrugged. "See? She's like a cockroach – how else do you think we managed to survive living with the Akatsuki so long? Kate just doesn't die; Dessie kicks the ass of anyone who tries and I–"

"You're just so weird they don't know how to kill you!" cried Kate.

I glared at her, but said nothing. To the side, Kakuzu was beginning to look more and mare annoyed.

"Can we just get on to killing one another?" he asked. "I've waited long enough."

Naruto immediately turned his attention to Kakuzu and cried, "That's right, you Akatsuki! It's time for me to show you my awesome, amazing, super bad-ass, new move! Are you ready?"

Kakuzu scowled. "You realize I have four lives, don't you?"

"Then I will kill you four times – or however many times it takes!"

"Can you talk a little quieter?" I asked, rubbing my temples wearily. "I have a bit of a headache."

Yamato turned to regard me suspiciously. "Shikamaru said that you were kidnapped by the Akatsuki, but you don't seem very unwilling…"

"Kidnapped?" wondered Kate.

"We weren't kidnapped," I said. "We just pay for room and board by acting as fake prostitutes – it's easy money."

We got a lot of stares for that statement.

And then, Kakuzu lost patience. Rule Number Twenty-One: Never make Kakuzu lose patience – because he is one ugly critter. His body seemed to convulse as bits of flesh and black tentacles came flying from his body. It formed four black blobs of squirming slime. They had faces too, weird twisted things with gruesome expressions, glowering at the enemy.

I stared. "Serious, man. That's gross."

Kakuzu chose to ignore me. The Konoha shinobi prepared at fight, Naruto demanding that he take the lead.

Someone could die, I thought. That's probably not a goof thing – especially if it's Kakuzu. These Konoha people might kidnap us again.

"Someone could die!" cried Kate, mirroring my thoughts exactly.

"Yeah, yeah."

Kakuzu turned to us wearily. "You live in a world of shinobi. People die every day. We cannot have a fight like this without someone dying."

I considered this. "I could probably fight them without dying."

Kakuzu regarded me confusedly. "How?"

"You're going to fight us!" Naruto stood amongst his friends, staring at me incredulously. "You're not even a shinobi!"

I chose to ignore him, turning to Kakuzu and saying, "All you have to do is give me 'it'."

"'It'?" wondered Kakashi. "What is 'it'?"

Kakuzu cackled maliciously, and smirked in the direction of the Konoha shinobi. "I don't think they can handle 'it'. Even some of the Akatsuki cannot handle 'it'."

"What is it!" cried Naruto desperately.

"You couldn't even handle knowing what 'it' is," I said smugly. "A pipsqueak like you – I bet you were dead last one everything."

I swear one of Naruto's eyes twitched at the words "dead last". He glared at me angrily and leaned forward slightly. "I can handle anything. What is it? Nothing can defeat me – the future Hokage! Not even 'it'."

For a minute, I regarded him silently. Then, I turned to Kakuzu and said, "He's pretty confident for someone who doesn't even know what 'it' is."

"Such a fool," agreed Kakuzu. "He cannot defeat the power of 'it' – let alone stand in 'it's' presence for longer than a few seconds. Deidara couldn't even last two…"

"Deidara?" asked Naruto wondrously. "What is 'it'?"

Kate, too, looked very, very confused. "What is 'it'? You guys, tells me! You're not allowed to keep secrets from members of your own team! It's not fair!"

"You're too stupid to know what 'it' is," I explained. "'It's' such a huge secret that we can't even tell you."

"Tell us!" cried Naruto.

I glanced at Kakuzu. "Should we tell them what 'it' is?"

"Yes!" cried Kate.

"You can't tell them what 'it' is," said Kakuzu. "You have to show them what 'it' is."

I nodded. "You show them what 'it' is. I can't."

Kakuzu snorted. "You foreign women, you don't know how to wield 'it' at all."

I scowled. "I know how to wield 'it'. I just don't have 'it'."

Everyone was staring at us in horror. Yamato's eyes were all squinty and pinched up as if he were imagining something really vile. Naruto and Kate looked hyped-up and excited, while Kakashi was smiling in cheerful anticipation.

Kakuzu smirked and, lifted up to hands, making a series of rapid hand signs. Then, he slammed his hand on the ground, in a summoning jutsu. A cloud of smoke filled the entire forest, swallowing everyone in a thick, opaque, gray scene.

"What the–"

I raced through the smoke towards Kakuzu and grabbed 'it'. Then, I ran through the cloud, towards the sound of confused voices. 'It' made contact with three heads and there came a heavy thump as they hit the ground. A moment later the smoke cleared and I stood between two trees with a frying pan slung over one shoulder and three unconscious bodies lying around me.

"See," I said to Naruto's body. "You can't handle two seconds of 'it'."

"Oh!" cried Kate, pointing. "That's 'it'!"

I snorted. "Took you long enough, Cutie."

"Well," said Kakuzu, examining the unconscious bodies. The black blobs had returned to him and he now looked slightly more…normal. "We've knocked out three Kanaha shinobi. Now what?"

"When will Hidan and Dessie be back?" asked Kate thoughtfully.

"If they ever get back," I added. "They might not beat their opponents. And even if they do, I don't think there's any knowing when exactly they'll return."

There was a moment's silence.

"Texas Hold 'Em, anyone?" asked Kate, pulling out a set of cards from her pocket.

"Sure."

And so, the three of us sat down in the middle of the forest surrounded by the unconscious bodies of three of Konoha's best shinobi and played a game of poker (which Kakuzu won, of course). Ah, good times, good times.

A/N: Review - or Hannah will bring 'it' down on your head.