Chapter Twenty-Two: Evil Versus Evil

Rule Number Twenty-Two: Avoid ninja punches – they hurt like hell on wheels with a guy in a creepy clown mask driving the automobile.

Dessie

I don't think I have ever run so fast in my life – at least not with so much urgency. The forest and its tress passed by me in a blur; I remember nothing of the way I came, only why I was coming this way. Shikamaru and Hidan could not be too far ahead. I had only left a minute or so after them. Then again, they were shinobi whereas I was…a regular human.

And then, suddenly, I saw a pineapple hair cut through the branches of the trees. My run screech to a halt as I stared, horrified, at the scene in front of me. Shikamaru and Hidan stood face to face inside a ring of booby-traps. Hidan was still bound by Shikamaru's shadow, but it seemed as though Shikamaru was slowly running out of energy.

But Shikamaru's not stupid, I thought. He got a plan.

And, as desperation too over what little reason I possessed, I leapt forward through the trees and ducked under the ropes that encircled Shikamaru and Hidan.

"Don't touch my Zombie Whore!" I screamed, pointing ludicrously at Shikamaru.

They stared at me blankly. And, if anything, Hidan looked more dumbfounded than Shikamaru.

"What did you just say?" Hidan asked incredulously.

I glared at him. "Shut up, asshole. I said: Don't touch my Zombie Whore."

Hidan scowled. "You're talking about me. I'm allowed to talk when you're talking about me."

Shikamaru glowered at Hidan before turning his attention back to me. "Why should I leave him alone? He killed Asuma! Besides isn't he your kidnapped? Why would you want him to live?"

Confusedly, I asked, "He's my kidnapper?"

"You struggled against him when he killed Asuma!" cried Shikamaru. "He's cruel and evil! Surely you must want him dead as much as I do!"

"Don't talk about me as if I weren't here, shithead!" snapped Hidan irritably.

Both Shikamaru and I ignored him. The two of us were glaring at each other hatefully, both unblinking with determined expressions fixed on our faces. Suddenly, I leapt with excitement and pointed at Shikamaru. "Ha! You blinked!"

"What?"

"You blinked, moron! I won!"

"Won what?"

I rolled my eyes at his stupidity. "The staring contest –duh!"

Shikamaru's confusion heightened. "Staring contest? What are you talking about? I wasn't aware of any competition…"

"That's because you're an idiot. You don't even know what a staring contest is." I scoffed.

"Yeah," said Hidan. "Only a stupid shithead like you wouldn't know!"

"Shut up, Hidan," I snapped. "You don't know either."

Hidan scowled (he would have flipped me off, but Shikamaru's body bind prevented him). "Yeah, but the shithead doesn't know that. I was going to bluff him, but obviously you don't know the meaning of the word 'bluff', bitch."

"My uncle was professional poker player who taught me all the tricks of the trade, Zombie Whore!" I screamed, rounding on Hidan. "If anyone in this world knows how to bluff it is me!" And with that I smacked Hidan over the top of the head.

Immediately, both he and Shikamaru winced. "Ouch!"

I twisted around to Shikamaru and cried, "Sorry!"

"Don't apologize to the guy who's trying to kill me!" exclaimed Hidan angrily.

"Well maybe I should just let him kill you!" I shouted. "Save me the effort!"

"Good! I bet the shithead would do a hell of a better job of it that you would, bitch! You'd probably screw up and now decapitate my head properly or something!"

I glared. "I could kill anyone a thousand times better than Shikamaru ever could!"

"Oh yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"Prove it!"

I folded my arms and scowled at Hidan. "How?"

Hidan indicated Shikamaru and said, triumphantly, "Kill the shithead and I'll believe it."

Irritably, I turned to regard Shikamaru, who had already drawn a kunai and was preparing to fight me and, being the trained shinobi that he is, preparing to kill me. But, of course, a dare is a dare and I braced myself for the fight with Shikamaru. This was going to be hell.

I charged first and swung my fist in the direction to Shikamaru. He ducked and feigned a kick at my stomach. Easily avoidable, but wasted energy since he quickly switched to a head-strike.

Thank Warg it was only hand-to-hand combat right now with absolutely no ninjutsu. After eighteen years of martial arts, I could almost keep up with middle-grade taijutsu shinobi (hurray…). And then, just as I was thinking that, Shikamaru decided to make Shadow Clones.

"What the hell!" I cried, suddenly finding myself trapped between five Shikamarus, all equally pissed off.

"Why are you supporting the Akatsuki?" one of the clones asked. "He killed Asuma."

"This is cheating!" I wailed, aiming a punch at the clone's head.

"Answer me!"

With a heavy sigh, I turned to regard the five Shikamaru. Slowly and clearly, I said, "Asuma is the Dark Hottie and is very important. But Hidan is my Zombie Whore and is even more important than any hottie in my collection – with the exception of the Original Hottie."

"Hey!" cried Hidan. "Why is Itachi more important that me?"

I rounded on Hidan, my eyes flashing angrily. "Itachi is the Original Hottie! A scum bag whore like you does not even have the right to say his name! How dare you defile his name with your Jashinist mouth!"

"Itachi! Itachi! Itachi!" cried Hidan over and over again.

I punched him in the eye. "Shut the hell up, Zombie Whore! Warg will smite you if you ever repeat the Original Hottie's name! He is sacred compared you! You are a foul harbinger of evil! The oh-sweet-and-perfect Itachi is far, far above you with his flawless, arabesque features and dark, vivid red eyes. He oozes manliness and undying charm – how could a blood-urchin like you compare?"

The five Shikamarus and Hidan were gawping at me.

"Blood-urchin?" asked Hidan.

"The first time we met, I was lying in a bathtub on top of a dead body about to be sacrificed the Jashin," I pointed out. "I think a blood urchin is a very appropriate term for you."

"You–"

I turned around and punched the Shikamaru nearest to me in the nose.

He collapsed to the ground in a heap and the other four disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"What the…?"

Hidan's body bind vanished and he stepped closer to the unconscious body of Shikamaru. "How'd you know which one was the real one?"

"He was the only clone that laughed when I called you a blood urchin."

"That son of a bitch."

"Such a charmer, Hidan," I muttered, bending over to pat Shikamaru's head pitifully. "I'm sorry, Pineapple. But you can't kill Hidan… at least not yet."

Hidan ignored my words and leaned over Shikamaru's body, kicking him slightly in the side. "Jashin-sama will be pleased with this sacrifice."

"You're not sacrificing Pineapple to Jahsin!" I snapped, hitting Hidan in ine backs of the knees, so that his legs collapsed beneath him and he knelt beside Shikamaru. "You already killed Pineapple's teacher – which I still haven't forgiven you for. If you kill Pineapple before, I will murder you where you stand, Zombie Whore."

"Man, you suck."

"I'm glad we've reached an agreement."

"Then can I kill them?"

I glanced up to see where Hidan was pointing and saw two figures standing a dozen or so feet away. They (a pinkette and some pale guy) were staring at Hidan, me, and Shikamaru's body in horror. Oh. This does not look good.

"No, Hidan. You cannot kill them," I said firmly.

"Jashin-sama will be very bored."

"And then Warg will kick his ass and occupy Jashin with some bitch war so that Jashin forgets all about you. You don't need to sacrifice to Jashin for a long time."

Before Hidan could reply, the pinkette (who I later learned was named Sakura), let out a hoarse cry. "What did you do to Shikamaru!"

"Nothing…" I lied.

"There's so much blood!"

I glanced down at Shikamaru. There was, indeed, a lot of blood, but all of it was flowing from his nose where I had punched him earlier. Sheepishly, I grinned at Sakura and said, "It's not too bad."

"How could you do that to him?" she wailed.

"Wait a second," I said, getting to my feet. "He was trying to kill Hidan!"

"Yeah…" said Sakura. "But Hidan's evil, whereas Shikamaru is good. You shouldn't just kill good people like that!"

I blinked. "How do you know Hidan's evil? Maybe Shikamaru is secretly the evil one and Hidan is good. Oh-ho-ho! What would you do then, bitch? Or maybe they're both evil and we have evil versus evil here. Maybe Hidan is the lesser of two evils and it's good that he won."

Sakura looked very confused.

"I have decided on her nickname," declared Sakura's teammate (Sai) suddenly. "She's 'bitch'."

"Why thank you very much, shithead," I said to him with a smile. "I take the word 'bitch' as a term of endearment."

"Can I kill them, yet?" asked Hidan wearily.

"No."

Hidan groaned. "Why can't we kill them?"

"Because they actually have names are of importance to the readers so if we kill them the readers will get mad and quit reading the story," I said dully. "And if that happens the oh-great-and-mighty author will kill us both off in the next chapter."

Hidan cringed. "Stupid author…"

I sighed. "You can sacrifice as many people as you want when we get back to the hideout," I said in bored tones. "Can we just beat-the-shit out of these people and get back already?"

Hidan scowled. "You'd better help me find a fucking mountain of people to sacrifice, bitch."

"Fine."

The two of us turned to face Sakura and Sai. Hidan drew his scythe and, for a second, I thought he was going to ignore me (wouldn't be the first time). But then he twisted it around to that the side he was using to strike had no blades on it.

I will admit, grudgingly, that Hidan did most of the fighting – and he was damn good at it. Sakura and Sai, despite their outstanding skills, had trouble keeping up with Hidan. I stood towards the back of the fight, trying to avoid getting hit by their ninjutsu. And then, suddenly, I saw it. Sakura's deadly fist was flying towards an opening in Hidan's fight.

My reaction was instinctive.

"Get your fist of my Zombie Whore, bitch! No one gets to beat his ass up but me!"

And, of course, I kicked Sakura in the jaw.

She went flying backwards and landed, with a heavy crack against the trunk of a tree. She slid down to the base and lay there amongst the root, a line of blood trickling down her temple.

"Oops," I muttered. "I hope I didn't kill her."

Slam.

Something – a fist – made contact with my stomach and the air came rushing out of me. I doubled up and landed, huffing and puffing, on the ground. Rule Number Twenty-Two: Avoid being hit by ninja – their blows hurt like hell and leave bruises the color of sick grasshoppers who just took a bath in sulfur (And Warg know what that looks like).

"Hey! Don't touch my bitch!" Hidan leapt forward and sung his scythe (this time blades forward) at Sai.

Sai dodged Hidan's blow and caught hold of Sakura and Shikamaru's fallen bodies. He hesitated, glancing from Hidan and me to his teammates. Then, Sai drew an ink-bird on a scroll before summoning it. He hoisted a teammate onto each of his shoulders and leapt on top of the bird.

"You fleeing already, chicken-head!" shouted Hidan irritably.

Sai glanced at him, but simply said, "We're not all that stupid." And then the bird spread its wings and took flight.

"Stupid chicken!" yelled Hidan, flipping off Sai irritably.

"Shut up," I grumbled. "You'd be dead right now if it weren't for me."

"I would not be dead," snapped Hidan. "I can't die."

"Fine. You'd be in eternally excruciating pain right now if it weren't for me." Suddenly my eyes widened and I gawped at Hidan. "Oh my Warg! I just saved you life."

"Don't remind me, bitch. How am I supposed to feel with you running around all the time going 'stay away from my Zombie Whore'?" Hidan scowled. "I am not your fucking Zombie Whore!"

I screamed. "Why did I save you! Die already asshole!"

I aimed a ferocious kick at Hidan's manly areas. He yelped leapt out of the way, letting out a stream of curse words.

"Compromise!" he cried, jumping up into a tree. "I demand a compromise, bitch!"

"What?" I snapped.

"We will never speak of this day again," said Hidan solemnly (a surprising tone for him. I didn't think he could be serious about anything).

I considered his proposition for a moment, and then nodded. "I see your point. No one needs know what happened in this clearing and the two of us will never use the word 'my' in referring to each other ever again."

Hidan nodded. "For all our shitty sanity."

"You mean your shitty sanity. Mine's perfectly fine."

"Shut up bitch."

"At least I'm not your bitch."

"Shut the hell up! We agreed never to speak of this again!"

I snickered. "Sorry, couldn't resist.

And with that oh-so-cheerful comment, the two of us headed back to the part of the woods where we had left Kakuzu, Hannah, and Kate. Of course, Hidan and I both had a terrible sense of direction and it took us about five hours to navigate through the woods. Then, when we finally got there, we found Kakuzu with a stack of coins in front of him as the three of them playing poker with three unconscious bodies around them.

"Nice to see you were so concerned about our well-being," I said.

"You're in one piece, aren't you?" said Hannah nonchalantly.

"Yeah."

"Then what are you complaining about?"

"You owe me fifteen bucks," said Kate, turning to Kakuzu. He scowled and handed her the money, wearily.

"What the hell were you betting on this time?" asked Hidan.

"On whether you two would kill each other before the Konoha shinobi could," explained Kakuzu. "I thought one of you would be at least missing a limb."

"Nah," said Kate cheerfully. "We all know Hidan's got a massive crush on Dessie – who would have thought his time was violent, unrefined women. But sorry, Hidan, Dessie only likes hotties."

At her words my Hidan and I blushed. Then, screamed at the top of our lungs: "What the hell are you talking about, bitch!"

Some things will never change.

A/N: THANK YOU YOU FOR YOU MARVELOUS REVIEWS! Now, if you would be so kind, please review this chapter as well. If not, Sakura will sneak into you bedroom when you least expect it and punch your ass from here to Jupiter!