Chapter Twenty-Five: Hunt for Akatsuki

Rule Number Twenty-Five: Hidan is easily dealt with as long as you can scream at the top of your lungs for ten minutes straight as the same volume as him (not an easy feat)

Dessie

Blake.

That is the name of my beautiful, gorgeous, fabulous, and very, very expensive red Ferrari. He is a handsome devil in disguise – you could even call him my boy toy since I paid an arm and a leg for him. I could not, of course, let Hannah drive Blake (especially with the pyromaniac Deidara in the passengers seat), and so I let Hannah take Blake's rival, Ajay the Aston Martin instead. My cars have a complicated love square, you see. Blake the Ferrari is married to Maren the Mercedes. But Blake is an unfaithful hottie husband who has an affair with Bridgette the Porsche even though Bridgette is dating Roland the Rolls-Royce; however, Roland's brother Ajay the Aston Martin know about Bridgette's affair and is blackmailing Blake. So, forced between his love for Bridgette and his reputation, Blake has no choice but to give Ajay everything he wants.

So, as you can see, I am very, very attached to my cars. Blake is my pride and joy – not even Mrs. Wendy will touch him (though she does steal Ajay the Aston Martin for a night out on the town even once in awhile). So, when I stopped Blake in the middle of Thornton Shopping Mall, I was determined that absolutely nothing should happy to my precious hottie car.

"Blake's missed you, huh?" said Kate, smiling slightly as I very carefully parked the car.

"My baby…" I said fondly. "He was the thing I missed most about this dimension."

"Not Mrs. Wendy?"

I scoffed. "That bitchy witch? Like hell!"

"I'm sure she loves you somewhere deep down… Deep, deep down…" added Kate thoughtfully. "Or maybe not at all. Mrs. Wendy isn't known for being overly loving towards you."

"She hates me," I corrected. I turned off the car and the two of us got out. I locked Blake and we made our way to the main building of the shopping center.

"So you're sure you heard on the radio that there was some sort of stunt going on?"

Kate nodded. "With…Venus flytraps…"

"Oh. Definitely Zetsu. No one else gives a damn about Venus flytraps."

"Hannah might care about them…" said Kate slowly.

I grinned. "If anything she's afraid of them now."

We made our way towards the middle of the mall where a large crowd had started to gather. Kate tried to timidly "excuse me" her way through the hoard of people. Then, I strode in front of her and screamed, "Get your asses out of my way before I castrate you all!" Now, that got people to move.

Soon, we found ourselves standing in the middle of the crowd, staring face to face with a black-and-white man being consumed by a Venus flytrap. My eyes, however, did not remain fixed on his plain, boring face for long – not with the original hottie standing beside him.

"HOTTIE!" I screamed and leapt into Itachi's arms.

Of course, Itachi immediately dropped me and I fell to the floor with a heavy thud. But even his obvious rejection could no quell my delight. I jumped up and smacked a big kiss on Itachi's mouth before turning back to Kate and Zetsu.

"We found them!"

"Great…" muttered Kate. "Why couldn't we save Itachi for last?"

"I'm hungry." (This was Zetsu's white half).

"There're so many juicy people." (Black half)

"Heh…" Kate glanced around nervously and turned to Zetsu. "You shouldn't eat the nice people, Zetsu… Hannah wouldn't be very happy with you if you ate the nice people…"

Zetsu considered this for a moment and then said, "Where is Hannah?"

"She's back at Dessie's – er – house…"

"Oh. Let's go there then." (This was the white and black halves together – apparently Hannah was their common interest).

"Yes, yes," I said, grabbing Itachi by the hand and leading him through the crowd. "Let's go home and drop Zetsu and Itachi off… Oh! And Zetsu! If you mess with Blake I will get the weed-whacker."

"Weed-whacker?" asked Zetsu confusedly.

"A very dangerous tool used to torture plants who are bad."

"Oh."

And with that, we returned to the car. It was a struggle to get Zetsu inside Blake (this sounds really wrong when I use Blake's name – Blake is not gay!). So, in the end, I hailed a cab to take Zetsu-the-cosplayer back to my mansion. Itachi volunteered to go with Zetsu – which I'm sure had nothing to do with me – and Kate and I continued our search for more Akatsuki members.

We drove around for a bit, searching the streets for any sign of odd-looking people causing a commotion. I kept the radio on in case any news of insane criminals came on. A good hour or two passed by before anything of interest came up. It happened while Kate and I were passing by the zoo and a bunch of little kids came running out screaming at the top of their lungs. I was forced to stop.

"Kate," I commanded. "Go see what all the ruckus is about."

"Maybe a rhino got loose…" she muttered. "It would wound me with its horn…"

"We have Akatsuki on the loose, Kate, and they are far, far worse than a little rhino. Pull yourself together and go see what's going on."

I swear she muttered "why don't you see for yourself?" under he breath, but when I asked about it she didn't reply and escaped out the car door to see what was scaring the kids shitless at the zoo.

I sat alone in the car for about a minute. Then, suddenly, Kate came sprinting out of the zoo screaming at the top of her lungs. She threw open the car door and leapt inside.

"What is it?" I asked. "Is it really a rhino?"

"No… it's an extremely angry Hidan."

"Oh."

"You're going to get him," said Kate determinedly. "He scares me to death and he likes you…somewhat…" She added the last part when I gave her the Glare of Death and Destruction.

With a heavy sigh, I opened the car door and said, "Look after my baby." Then, with a fond farewell to Blake, I marched into the zoo in search of the blood-stained Hidan.

I found him alright. Thankfully he had not murdered any human being yet. However, he stood above the body of a dead hyena, grinning maniacally and drenched in the animals blood. Dear readers, I say this now and I say it without any hesitation: I am not an animal lover. So, please don't hate me too much when I tell you that, at the sight of the dead animal that was cruelly murdered by a psychopathic Jashinist, I honestly wasn't moved at all. Of course, that didn't stop me from kicking him in the shin.

"What the hell, bitch!" he cried, rubbing his leg angrily. "That hurt!"

"Of course it hurt, you Zombie Whore!" I snapped. "What are you doing here! Scaring off all the bratty, snot-nosed kids! You animal! You belong in the zoo!"

"Zoo?"

"Place where they keep all the animals, moron!" I shouted. "It's meant to be a fun place for the brats, but here you all scaring them all shitless! And drenched in animal blood too!"

"Don't yell! I just woke up here and this hyena was trying to bite my leg off! What do you expect me to do – let it eat me!"

"Yes!" I screamed. "It would do two dimensions a favor!"

"Bitch!"

"Zombie Whore!"

We stood there for a good ten minutes screaming out heads off at one another. Then, when all the breath had left our lungs, we stood there for a moment, gasping for air. When we were done, we turned on our heels and left the zoo. Rule Number Twenty-Five: Hidan is easily dealt with as long as your lungs can survive screaming for ten minutes straight.

Of course, I refused to let Hidan in my car with blood all over him, so I made him wash it off in the water-fountain. Then, after using the hand-dryers in the bathroom to get rid off all the water (Blake could not be tainted by any substance other than air fresheners and oxygen).

After that the three of us drove back to my mansion to plan the next part of our trip. Hidan's response to my mansion was about the same as Deidara's and Kisame's – What…the…hell…! Why is this so surprising?

Kate, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, Hidan, and I met in yet another of my various dining rooms to plan. I pulled out a map (which Mrs. Wendy had begrudgingly found for me) and drew Xs over the places we had already been.

"Okay… We still have downtown…"

"I want to go!" cried Hidan.

"No." My response was absolute. "I'm not bringing a suicide psychopath like you downtown. Hottie?" I glanced in Itachi's direction, fluttering my eyelashes flirtatiously.

"Hn."

"iIs that a yes?"

"Hn."

"I think it's a 'no'," said Kate, stepping in. "Why don't we just bring Hidan and Kisame…"

"Kisame is too strange looking and Hidan is too violent"

"We can just say he's a cosplayer. Besides, if anyone gets suspicious you can just pay them off."

I shrugged. "Good point. Fine, Kisame you can come with us."

Kisame grinned and turned to Hidan. "They like me better than you, Zombie Whore. Especially Dessie. We might just have to find one of the many closets in Dessie's house…"

Both Hidan and I whipped around and punched Kisame in the face. Laughing villainously, Kisame topple off his chair onto the floor where he sat there clutching a bloody nose. After a minute, the healing jutsu took affect and the bleeding stopped. I made Kisame clean up his blood stained face and we headed out the garage to take a different car.

My beautiful, sexy Blake was not big enough to fit the three of us plus any Akatsuki we may find. So this time I took Bridgette's boyfriend, Roland the Rolls-Royce, which was slightly bigger. Then, the three of us (I left Zetsu, Itachi, and Hidan in the care of Mrs. Wendy) headed out to downtown. And Warg knows what we might find there…

A/N: REVIEW! Oh the sexy, hot-rod Blake will run you over with Dessie behind the wheel laughing her head off gleefully.