Chapter Twenty-Eight: Battle of the Lackeys

Rule Number Twenty-Eight: Hidan makes a shitty lackey. Next time tell Deidara that someone is insulting art…explosions are much more threatening.

Dessie

It was around seven o'clock that evening when I got a call from Hannah's cell phone. I picked it up and answered the call, surprised to head Deidara's voice on the other end.

"What up, bitch?" he asked.

"So says the blond fur ball," I snapped. "Where's Hannah?"

"She's driving…" There was a pause as Deidara listened to someone on the other end of the phone. "She says to turn on Channel Six News…"

Curious, I walked over to the television (on which Tobi was currently watching the teletubbies) and flipped the channel. Immediately the face of Gwendolyn Brooks flashed on screen as she delivered the evening news. I listened half-heartedly for a second as she ranted on about something to do with "flying guppies".

"It's on Channel Six News," I said. "What does she want me to see?"

And then it happened.

The pictures on the screen changed and I found myself facing an image of my old school: East Fell High School with gigantic flames dancing in a hole which had been burned in the side of the building where the science block used to be. About half the school was missing and great billows of black smoke were rising into the sky.

"There was a terrorist attack on our own East Fell High School," explained Gwendolyn Brooks. "Thankfully no casualties have been discovered yet, but the physics teacher, Mr. Ben Ferguson, has gone missing. We suspected foul play…"

"Deidara…" I murmured into the phone's speaker. "What did you do?"

"The guy was throwing glasses jars at my head, uhn."

"So you blew up my school!"

"Yeah…"

"Damn, you're brilliant," I said excitedly. "Why didn't I ever think of that! Art is a bang, fur ball!"

Deidara laughed excitedly. "I knew you'd come around to my view one day, bitch–"

There came the sound of a fist making contact with a skull and Deidara's voice fell away. Moments later, someone else picked up the phone…only this voice wasn't nearly so encouraging.

"Dessie, you idiot! Don't encourage the blond fur ball! When we get back to you house I want you to kill him! Murder his brutally and violently, you psychopathic bitch!"

I scowled and held the phone away from my ear. "Who's being the psychopathic bitch right now, whore!"

I hung up the phone and turned back to the news where they were still searching for evidence. Tobi and Konan were staring excitedly at the screen while Hidan was rolling on the floor with laughter. I rolled my eyes and turned my back on the scene.

"I'm going outside to wait for those bitches to get back," I told them. "Try not to destroy the house…"

"I'm coming too!" said Hidan, hopping up from his seat on the floor.

Before I could protest, he grabbed m by the wrist and dragged me outside. We stepped out the front door into the gravel ground. My front yard was extensive, with a hundred meter long driveway that extended directly from the front door to the main road with a grass lawn in between. To my right, Zetsu and Itachi were working on the flower garden, with Mr. Birchen (my bald-headed gardener) look on disapprovingly.

"How's work going?" I asked Itachi.

"Hn."

I giggled delightedly; my boyfriend's responses were always so cute. "That's good to hear. I have some shitty news though."

"Hn."

"Hannah, Deidara, Leader, and Kakuzu kidnapped my ex-physics teacher. The police are going to be looking for us."

Zetsu looked up from his gardening and turned to stare at me. "Is Hannah okay?"

"Yeah, yeah; she's fine, I'm sure." I waved away Zetsu's comment. "I'm more worried about Ajay the Aston Martin."

"What about Mr. Ferguson?" asked Mr. Birchen curiously.

"Why would I care about that old coot?" I asked. "He gave me a zero the exam for being to violent. Deidara can blow that son-of-a-bitch to little bits and pieces for all I care."

"So can I eat him?" asked Zetsu's black half.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because that's gross."

Zetsu opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted as a navy-blue Aston Martin came racing up the driveway. It screeched to a halt underneath the carport and the doors flew open as Hannah and Leader hopped out.

"Safe!" cried Hannah, examining the sides of the car carefully. "Not a scratch."

I screamed.

"What?" she asked desperately. "What's wrong?"

"You killed a fly!"

Hannah looked extremely confused. "A fly? When? Where? And since when do you care about insects?"

I raced forward to the front of the Aston Martin and examine the spot on the car where a fly had been squished. Carefully, I flicked away the fly's dead body and squinted at the shiny surface. There were still little bits of dead fly that wouldn't come off.

"Hannah…" I murmured.

"Dessie…" she whispered. "Please, please don't misunderstand. It was an accident! I swear!"

"I'm going to murder you – how dare you make a mark on the beautiful surface of Ajay the Aston Martin! Do you not see his divine godliness? He is a saint amongst peasants! And yet you dare, you dare, to squish a fly on his glossy surface."

Hannah backed away. "Dessie…"

I wound my fist back, ready to beat her from here to the high heavens.

"No! Don't hurt my Hannah!" Zetsu threw himself in front of Hannah just as my fist came crashing down. However, before if could make contact –

"WHAT THE HELL!"

I turned around. Kakuzu stood outside the car gawping up at the huge mansion that stretched out before him (Deidara was still inside the car with the unconscious Mr. Ferguson).

"What's up, Kakuzu?" asked Hannah, trying to distract me.

"The – it – so – what – why – is," Kakuzu gasped, practically hyperventilating as he stared up at my house. "Why the hell is your house so big!"

"Because I can afford it."

Kakuzu stared. First at me, and then at the house, and then back to me. Slowly, he walked over to where I stood and placed his hands on my shoulders. With a dead serious expression, he gazed at me and said, "Desdemona Lee, will you marry me?"

WHACK!

Hidan punched Kakuzu in the side of the face, sending Kakuzu sprawling to the ground with blood and spit flying from his mouth.

"Hey, Zombie Whore," I snapped. "Don't punch the guy who proposes!" And then I turned to regarded Kakuzu. "Sorry, Doctor Oc. But I've got a boyfriend – I don't need a fiancé too… You could try marrying Ms. Wendy though. She's going to inherit the whole thing one day."

Kakuzu looked around desperately. "Where can I find her?"

"You'll meet her soon enough," I said. "First let's deal with the old coot." I jerked my thumb in the direction of Mr. Ferguson.

He was beginning to wake up now, his blue eyes fluttered between this world and the next. I leant over him and waited patiently until his eyes flew open completely. The two of us stood frozen for a moment, gazing at one another. A slow, steady grin spread over my face and I said, "Hello, Ben."

Mr. Ferguson screamed and promptly passed out again.

"Ah, the good old days," I said cheerfully. "Serves that asshole right for giving me a zero."

"What should we do with him?" asked Leader.

"Eat him." (Zetsu's black half)

"Hn." (Guess who!)

"Sacrifice him to Jashin-sama!" (insert Hidan's evil laughter here)

"We could hold him for ransom," suggested Kakuzu.

Hannah smacked her forehead. Apparently she was thinking the same thing I was: This is what happens when you let the criminally insane Akatsuki kidnap someone.

"Why don't we take him inside," I recommended. "And we'll discuss it out in there… I don't want any helicopters swooping down on us…"

"Why do you care?" asked Hidan. "You'll just kick all their asses."

"Get a move on." I snapped. "Or I'll kick your ass."

And so we did, one-by-one the Akatsuki, Hannah, and I filed into the house and made our way to one of my various dining rooms to hold council. Leader, of course, sat at the head of the table with Konan at his right. I was permitted to sit at his left hand side (since it was my house) with Hannah beside me. We unbound Mr. Ferguson's gag and tied him to the chair at the end of the table with Deidara sitting beside him to keep watch (I almost feel sorry for the old coot).

"So," said Leader, addressing the whole room. "We have a predicament."

"Hannah, Leader, Kakuzu, and Deidara kidnapped our ex-physics teacher," I explained helpfully.

Leader glared before turning his attention back to the Akatsuki. "We can hardly let him go – nor can we hold him for ransom since it will endanger the girls' place on Earth."

"So we propose that we keep Mr. Ferguson hostage for awhile," I interrupted.

"Shut up, Dessie," snapped Leader. "No one cares what you have to say."

"Asshole…" I muttered, but I shut up (sometimes it's best just to listen to Leader – it saves a lot of broken bones).

"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," said Leader. "We plan on returning to the hideout as soon as possible. So, we'll keep Mr. Ferguson locked up here and then let him go when we return to the hideout."

"He can stay in the basement," I recommended.

Leader glared at me for a moment, before nodding curtly. "Yes. I propose we take it in shifts to look after him."

"And don't kill him," Hannah added. "It creates a lot of unnecessary paper work – and I don't want to go to jail."

Hidan looked disappointed.

"Hidan and Kakuzu can take the first shift," decided Leader. "Then Dedara and Tobi will take over three hours later."

"What do the rest of us do in the meantime?" asked Kisame.

"Hang out at the house and watch TV dramas," recommended Hannah. "It's how Dessie comes up with storylines for her cars." She glanced in my direction and I grinned triumphantly at her.

"You're just jealous because you don't own Ajay the Aston Martin."

Hannah scowled.

"Ajay the Aston Martin has a scratch on it, remember," said Kakuzu, smirking. "Hannah hasn't received her punishment yet."

I turned to Hannah, my eyes flashing angrily. "You're right, Kakuzu. I forgot about that…"

Hannah scowled at Kakuzu. "Thanks a lot, asshole."

"Don't hurt Hannah!" Zetsu, who sat at the far end of the table got up and raced to Hannah's side, ready to defend his wife at any moment. "I'll kill you if you hurt Hannah!"

"Oh," I said, smirking in Hannah's direction. "You have a little minion. Well guess what, I have my minions too!"

"Who?" she asked.

"Hidan!"

Hidan, who had been having a conversation with Deidara, looked up and glanced around the room confusedly. "What?"

"Zetsu here says Jashin-sama's not real and the whole Jashinism idea is a scam."

"What!" Hidan leapt up from his seat at the table and with his face contorted with rage, Hidan jumped over the dinning room table to grab Zetsu by the collar. "What're you saying about Jashin-sama, you weed?"

"See," I said to Hannah. "My lackey kicks your lackey's ass."

And at that point Zetsu leaned over and bit Hidan's arm.

"AH!" Hidan leaped backwards, waving his arms about wildly as blood dripped down the sleeve of his t-shirt. "What the hell! You shitty cannibalistic plant! I'll kill you!"

Zetsu scowled and his black half said, "We're a plant – we're only cannibalistic if we eat our fruits and veggies." Zetsu opened his mouth and stepped towards Hidan as the white half said, "Oh yum-yum – Jashinist in my tum."

Hidan yelped and ran away with Zetsu chasing after him.

Smiling, Hannah turned to me and grinned. "Correction: my lackey kicks your lackey's ass."

Rule Number Twenty-Eight: Hidan makes a shitty lackey – next time try Deidara – you can tell him that Zetsu is insulting art. Explosions are much more threatening that Jashinists and their scythes.

A/N: Review! Or Zetsu will eat your arm.