Chapter Twenty-Nine: Home Sweet Home

Rule Number Twenty-Nine: Don't bring the Akatsuki to family reunions – particularly if your family is very, very strange…

Kate

Hello, wonderful readers, and welcome back to my mind…This chapter of the story starts off with intense fear. Fear on my part, to be certain. You see, the five of us – Dessie, Hidan, Itachi, Konan, and I – were driving along the interstate towards the west side of East Fell. Dessie sat in the drivers' seat of her Aston Martin with Itachi on her left (there were some perks to being Dessie's 'boyfriend'). I was in the back of the car, squeeze between a very somber Konan and a very, very pissed off Hidan.

"Why does Itachi get the front seat?" he asked.

"Because Itachi's hot and you're not," snapped Dessie. Then, she giggled. "I'm Doctor Seuss."

"Who the hell is Doctor Seuss?" said Hidan.

"A genius of my childhood," replied Dessie. "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish!"

"My mom used to read me that too!" I cried excitedly. Then, the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach returned and I slouched back down in my seat. "Oh Warg…"

"It'll be fine, Kate," said Konan peaceably. "Didn't Hannah say that your parents would be totally fine with us telling them that you travelled to a different dimension, got hooked up with some dangerous criminals, and then returned to this dimension, brining them all with you?"

I cringed. "Yeah…They'll be fine with that…"

Dessie snickered in the front seat. "I love your mom, bitch – and your dad."

"What are they like?" asked Konan curiously.

"You'll see…" said Dessie as she exited the interstate into the suburb division of Grayson Meadows.

We drove through the streets past the oh-so familiar houses with neat-trimmed gardens and stucco walls. Itachi peered out the windows and stared at the scenery with surprisingly intense interest.

"The houses are small," he observed.

"Well excuse me for being middle-class," I muttered.

Dessie pulled into the driveway of a two-story house with red-and-black bricked walls and a garden filled with white flowers. As Dessie turned off the car engine, we sat there for a moment, staring up at number 45 Vandalia Drive. My home.

"Maybe there's no one home…" I murmured, half hoping this sentence was true.

Dessie honked the car horn. It sounded through the neighborhood disturbing the earlier silence. Then, when the noise had faded away, the still quiet returned. We remained, watching the house of some signs of movement.

"This is stupid," said Hidan, and, for once, Dessie agreed.

"Get out of the car and go knock on the door, bitch," said Dessie.

"You do it."

"It's your house."

"But you've been here so many times before, it's practically yours as well," I pointed out.

With a sigh of resign, Dessie threw her hands up in the air. "Fine, bitch, I'll go get your parents for you." And with that, she hopped out of the car and made her way across the garden to the front door of the house.

The rest of us waited in the car, squinting as we staring out the windows trying to get a good view of Dessie. She rung the doorbell and stood there for a little while. Then, the door opened and someone who I couldn't see clearly appeared in the doorway – and flung her arms around Dessie's neck.

Overcome with sudden joy, I threw open the car door and started to get out – when a mob of little urchins came sprinting out of the house and leapt on top of Dessie. She yelped and went crashing to the ground with a stack of urchins on top of her.

I screamed and ran back inside the car.

"What is it? What's wrong?" asked Konan frantically.

"Who's attacking Dessie!" cried Hidan, kicking open the car door and running outside.

"Wait!" I screamed, racing after him. "Don't hurt my–"

The little urchins on top of Dessie raised their heads and caught sight of me. Huge smiles spread across their faces and they came sprinting across the lawn to jump into my arms. This would have been fine if there had been one of them – but no, there were five little urchins all trying to give me hugs and kisses at once. I collapsed under the weight of them and, like Dessie, went crashing to the ground.

"What the hell!" cried Hidan as Itachi and Konan got out of the car as well and made their way over.

"Don't curse around the little kids, Zombie Whore!" shouted Dessie.

"AH!"

As I managed to push the last of the little urchins off of me, I looked in the direction of the young woman standing beside Dessie. I hadn't recognized her at first, but now that I looked closely, I recognized her sharp, brown eyes and well-defined features to belong to my cousin, Sonia Collins. However, unlike the last time I had seen her, Sonia had dyed her hair a brilliant shade of bubblegum pink (reminding me strongly of a certain female shinobi that I have never liked).

"Sonia!" I cried, waving at her.

She didn't even look at me since her eyes were filled with the sight of Itachi Uchiha in all his glory. Sonia clutched Dessie's arm and cried, "Look at that hottie!"

"I saw him first," snapped Dessie, pushing Sonia's arm off indignantly. "Itachi is my boyfriend – say away from him."

Sonia shrieked. "You? You, Dessie the boy-chaser violent chick extraordinaire, have a boyfriend – and a hottie like that nonetheless!"

Dessie smiled proudly and nodded. "I win, bitch."

Nonchalantly, Sonia shrugged. "That's fine – I'll just go for the silver-haired hottie next to him."

"Silver haired hottie…?" asked Dessie slowly, looking around nervously. However, the only silver-haired person nearby was Hidan. Dessie stared at him for a long moment, perhaps trying to decide if he was hot or not, and then, Dessie said, "You don't want that guy – he's an asshole."

"But his face is fine," said Sonia excitedly.

Hidan was staring at the two girls irritably and then, finally said, "Shut the hell up – you don't have to talk about me like I'm not here!"

Sonia giggled and slid over to Hidan's side. "Well then, baby, let's have a talk together." She winked at Dessie, who scowled.

"Where's Mom and Dad, Sonia?" I asked, getting to my feet as half of the little urchins ran over to comfort Dessie (I am convinced most of them like her better than me – or, at least, they like bullying her more than they like bullying me).

Sonia looked over at me and said, "Aunt Silvia is out grocery shopping and Uncle Harris is out on a bike ride – they'll be back soon."

"Oh. Bad timing then…"

"Who are all these little children?" asked Konan, staring at the three kids who were tackling Dessie, one of which was busy climbing on top of Dessie's head.

"My siblings," I explained. "These two," I gestured at the two boys clinging to my sides with wide, frightened eyes, "Are the twins, Mark and Ethan. They're both five-years old."

"Oh."

"And they," I pointed at the ones climbing all over Dessie. "The one on her head is the youngest, Tray; he's three years old. And then the one trying to lick Dessie's ear is the six-year-old tyke of terror, Henry. And the kid that Dessie's tickling is Alexander, the eight-year-old oldest of my little brothers."

Sonia turned to Konan with a grin. "Aunty Silvia had Kate when she was a sophomore in high-school and then got married ten years later and got busy."

"You're just as crude as Dessie," I muttered.

"But not as violent," replied Sonia. "Is a bonus package."

"Sonia! What have I told you about throwing wild parties at nine o'clock in the morning!"

At the sound of a young man's deep voice, we all looked around to see a twenty-two-year-old man with scruffy dyed-black hair and blue eyes. He was yawning, clearly not seeing the guests on his lawn.

"Damon!" Dessie screamed. She raced up to the front door of the house and threw her arms around his neck excitedly.

Blinking, Damon opened his eyes and stared at the black haired girl hugging him. He gawked.

"Dessie! I thought you were dead!" And he picked her right off the ground and carried her bridal-style to his sister, Sonia's side. "Look what the cat dragged in!"

"I know," said Sonia. "She's been here for a good half-hour with Kate."

Damon caught sight of me and nearly dropped Dessie. "Dear God," he said. "What is going on today? Where's Hannah? Still alive? Still as pessimistic and sarcastic as ever?"

"Hannah guarding the house," I explained. "We couldn't – er – leave our friends there alone…"

"Mrs. Wendy might eat them alive," said Damon with a laugh.

"Actually…" I muttered. "I was more worried that they eat her alive…literally…"

"That's why we left Hannah there," said Dessie as Damon put her back on the ground. "Zetsu will probably listen to his wife's words…"

"Whoa!" cried Damon raising a hand in the universal symbol for 'stop'. "Hannah is married! When did this happen! I didn't know that girl had the heart to love!" Then, Damon's expression shifted slightly as he caught side of Hidan and Itachi. "Who is this creep who married her – he'd better live up to my expectations or I'll kill the fucking shithead."

Dessie snickered. "As if you could."

Damon ignored her, his eyes still fixed on the Akatsuki members present. "Who are these people? Where did you pick them up? Hobo-town?

"What did you just say, you asshole?" asked Hidan.

"You heard me," snarled Damon, stepping in front of Dessie as if to protect her from Hidan's rage (not that Dessie needed protecting).

But right before Hidan could inflict any harm on Damon, a large, silver SUV pulled into the driveway and came to a halt. We all turned around to see who was in the front seat, and I found myself staring into the blue eyes of my mother. We stared at each other for the longest moment and then, slowly, she got out of the car and made her way across the lawn to me.

No one spoke. Not even the urchins said a word.

My mother came to a halt right in front of me, so close that our noses were almost touching.

"Did you have a nice vacation?" she asked.

"Er…yeah…"

"Did you learn a lot about the world?"

"Yeah…"

"That's good." She looked around at Hidan, Itachi, and Konan. "Are these friends that you picked up on your worldly travels?"

Slowly, I nodded. "Yeah…"

"How do you do?" asked my mother grandly. "My name is Silvia Emilie Collins – welcome to my humble abode. Though it may be modest in comparison to Dessie's home, I can tell you now; our house is filled with the love and care of a true family."

Dessie coughed.

"Not to say that there's no love in Dessie's home!" cried Mom. "It's just…so big and between Ms. Wendy and Dessie…"

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Silvia," said Dessie cheerfully. "Thank you for being so understanding of our need to travel the world – or worlds as it would be more appropriate."

"What are you talking about?" asked Sonia.

"Nothing," replied Dessie airily, walking away to pick up little Tray and swinging him in her arms cheerfully. Tray then proceeded to pull Dessie's hair rather violently.

Hidan laughed. "I see you're good with kids, bitch."

Dessie punched him in the nose. "Don't curse around the little kids, asshole."

"Because you're setting a fine example," muttered Damon as he took Tray from Dessie's arms. Tray immediately stopped shrieking and trying to upend hairs. Instead, Tray cuddled down against Damon's chest and promptly went to sleep.

"Devil child," grumbled Dessie.

"But where did you go?" asked my mom, ignoring the argument going on around us. "Morocco? That's where your dad and I went. OrSlovakia? I always wanted to go there…Japan?China?Korea? Where? Do tell me, Kate!"

"Er…well…" I glanced around nervously.

"We went to a different dimension," explained Dessie casually. She walked over beside Itachi and wrapped one arm around his shoulders cheerfully. "Where we hitched up with a gang of criminally insane guys – and one girl – and helped them kidnap and murder people. We also got kidnapped ourselves on multiple occasions – oh! And sold to a brothel once or twice or three times…" Dessie quickly counted the number on her fingers. "Four times, sorry. Then, Kate found a glowing orb a blue light in the cellar and we all went in and woke up at Hannah's old house….Yeah…"

"You for got to mention the kidnapping of Mr. Ferguson," supplied Konan.

"Oh yeah…" Dessie said. "Hannah was accidentally forced to kidnap Mr. Ferguson and he's being held hostage at my house. Hopefully no one's killed him yet…"

Silence.

And then, the reactions went something like this…

Damon: "Oh my poor babies!" and he flung his arms around Dessie's and my necks in a protective embrace.

Sonia: She screamed excitedly and asked if any hot guys bought us at the brothel.

Mom: "Did you learn a lot about the cultures of criminally insane people?"

Itachi, Hidan, and Konan stared at my family confusedly before turning to me and asking, "Are they always like this?"

Slowly I nodded. "Oh yes."

Konan patted me comfortingly on the shoulder. "I understand completely. Be strong."

And then, a man on a bicycle pulled into the driveway. He was dressed in bright yellow biking spandex with his curly blond hair spilling out underneath his neon-orange helmet. The man came to a stop with one foot touching the ground of the driveway on the other on the pedal of the bike. He was gasping for air with sweat trickling down his face.

"Kate?" I said rather breathlessly. "Kate and Dessie… You're back." Then, a huge grin spread across his face and he dismounted his bike. He held out his arms to me and cried, "Give me a hug, Sugar Muffin!"

Dessie made a face. "Don't hug that pile of sweat! Get a shower first, Mr. Harris."

Despite having not seen my father in four months, I had to agree with Dessie. I could smell the sweat from a good ten feet away – I didn't want to know what it was like up close and personal. My mother on the other hand gladly threw her arms around his sweat-soaked neck and cried, "Look,Harris! They're back from their travels!"

"Where'd you go?" asked Dad. "Morocco?"

"To another world!" exclaimed my mother. "And look, they brought back friends."

My father held out a hand to Itachi and said with joviality, "Nice to meet you, Old Sport."

With a grim expression, Itachi shook my father's hand, and then quickly wiped it off when my father's back was turned.

"And who is this stunning young woman!" exclaimed Dad as he turned his attention to Konan. "Why, you're as lovely as an angel." And with that my father gave Konan a gigantic sweat-soaked welcoming hug. "Thank you for taking care of my precious Sugar Muffin."

Konan looked repulsed. "Nice to…er…meet you, Mr. Harris."

"And this," said Dessie loudly. "Is Hidan!"

Hidan turned to glare at Dessie as Dad regarded Hidan excitedly.

"Is he your boyfriend, Dessie Darling?" asked Dad, racing over to give Hidan a hug to. "Thank you so much for accepting poor Dessie as your girlfriend – she really is such a nice girl once you get past the violent side of her."

Once he had released Hidan from the hug, my father turned to me and asked, "Which one is your boyfriend, Kate? Itachi? Konan?"

"Konan's a girl," pointed of Dessie. "I'm pretty sure Kate is straight – aren't you?"

My face turned bright red. "I'm straight…"

"In that case," Dessie turned back to my parents. "Kate's got a thing for Tobi, but she's engaged to Kisame – or at least, that's what we told David."

"David!" cried my father. "Who cares about that brat! Who is this Tobi? Who is this Kisame? I need to meet them and decide which one is worthy of my daughter."

While my father was busy ranting out about how popular I was with the boys, Damon had turned to Hidan and was cracking his knuckles threateningly.

"You're dating my Dessie?" asked Damon. "And your friends are toying around with my Kate? What is this! What is this, you asshole!"

"Shut the hell up!" shouted Hidan. "I wouldn't touch Dessie with a ten foot pole let alone date her! And everyone in the Akatsuki rejected Kate when she confessed her love to them! Those girls are nothing but Akatsuki whores!"

Dessie kicked Hidan in between the legs whiel Damon cackled with laughter.

"How dare you reject my girls, asshole!" said Damon villainously.

Hidan lay on the grass, clutching his privates while the little urchins jumped all over his body. Rule Number Twenty-Nine: Don't bring the Akatsuki to family reunions – particularly if your family is very, very strange…

We left Hidan out in the yard with the urchins and Damon, Sonia, Mom, Dad, Itachi, Konan and I made our way inside to catch up on recent events and introduce ourselves. Dessie said she felt a little bit guilty about leaving Hidan in such a position and stayed outside to help him – though personally, I think she just laughed at him the whole time.