Chapter Thirty: Babysitting Criminals

Rule Number Thirty: Never marry an Akatsuki member, they tend to be very clingy.

Hannah

I was going to murder Dessie. A few days from now some pitiful person was going to find her decaying body in a sewer and the cops would be at my door. I don't care. I am going to murder her. What kind of friend would leave me alone in her mansion with the criminally insane Akatsuki?

While Dessie, Kate, Konan, Itachi, and Hidan all went to visit Kate's family, I was left alone to babysit the rest of the psychopaths and make sure they didn't kill our hostage, Mr. Ferguson. Zetsu, of course, was not helping the situation. After being sperated from me for so long, he had taken to the habit off following me around the house asking if I needed any help.

"No, Zetsu," I said forcibly as I collapsed onto the sofa beside Leader to watch the morning news. "I do not need any help."

"You sure?" asked the white half.

"For the hundredth time – I am sure!" Then, with increased vehemence, I turned to Leader and asked, "What are they talking about on the news?"

Leader glanced at me, his numerous piercings glittering in the light of the room. "Terrorist attack."

I groaned and turned back to the television to see Gwendolyn Brooks standing outside my ex-high school as she reported on the situation. No new information had been found out about the terrorists or the whereabouts of Mr. Ferguson (Thanks to Deidara's massive explosions, he had blown up all the evidence).

"This is insane…" I murmured.

"The sooner we get back the better," agreed Leader.

"Will Hannah be coming back with us?" asked Zetsu's white half.

Leader glanced at me and shrugged. "If she has any brains she won't."

"True," I said. "I'm sick and tired of being the Akatsuki's fake whore – you can keep Kate and Dessie if you want though."

"Er – no thanks."

"I didn't think so."

Before Leader could say anything more, the door to the living room flew open and a very frustrated Ms. Wendy came storming in. Her gray air was slightly disheveled and her clothes ruffled. She strode into the room, huffing and puffing, and yelling at the top of her lungs:

"Hannah! Tell this thick-skulled freak that I will never, ever marry him!"

Kakuzu hurried into the room after Ms. Wendy and caught her by the wrist, pulling her around so that she was forced to face him.

"Wendy, my dear, my darling!" he cried. "From the first moment I saw you I knew – you were the one for me!"

Ms. Wendy kicked him between the legs (we know where Dessie got that habit from) and shouted, "You're just after my money, you barbarian! I have served this family for years and I'm not about to give up the whole fortune to some gold-digger like you!"

"My soul mate…" whimpered Kakuzu weakly as he clutched his manly bits.

"Go to hell."

Resignedly, I got up from my seat on the sofa and approached Kakuzu. "You'd better give it up; Ms. Wendy's a stubborn woman."

"Money…"

"There's plenty more where that came from."

Kakuzu staggered to his feet and looked around the room madly for Ms. Wendy. He stepped towards her and cried, "Marry me, my lov–"

But before he could finish the sentence, Zetsu bent over and bit Kakuzu's shoulder.

"Ah! What are you doing, you psychopathic plant!" screamed Kakuzu. He grabbed hold of the back of Zetsu's neck and wrenched the cannibal's teeth out of his shoulder. Blood spilled onto the floor and Ms. Wendy stood a little away from Kakuzu, cackling maliciously at his suffering (why do I know such weird people?).

"We wanted to help our wifey," said Zetsu's white half.

"And we were hungry," added the black half. He licked his lips and added, "You taste like dried meat."

"Freak!" shouted Kakuzu. Then, he grabbed Ms. Wendy by the wrist and dragged her out of the room to go propose to her somewhere else.

Zetsu and I stood in the middle of the room, staring blankly at the door, neither one of us entirely sure what we should do. Then, Leader looked back over his shoulder from his position on the couch and said, "You two should get a room already!"

I hit Leader on the back of the head before hurrying out of the room. Zetsu started to follow me, but I told him he could help by making sure Leader didn't harm the TV. So, I managed to get rid of my stalker and made my way down to the basement.

Rule Number Thirty: Don't marry any Akatsuki member, they make clingy husbands.

Mr. Ferguson was tied to a metal chair in the basement. Like all the other rooms in the house, Dessie's basement was top-notch, with expensive carpet and furniture to decorate the sitting area. She even had a games' room in one far corner. Kisame and Tobi, who were looking after Mr. Ferguson at the moment, had thrown all the games to one side of the room and tied Mr. Ferguson to a chair so that he couldn't escape. Now, the two Akatsuki members were sitting on the floor a couple meters away from Mr. Ferguson discussing some plan in secret.

"Hey, guys," I said as I made my way down the stairs into the basement. "What're you doing?"

"Tobi's doing nothing, Hannah-Nunu," said Tobi innocently through his orange mask.

I glanced at him suspiciously and then came to a halt in from of the bound and gagged Mr. Ferguson. He was awake; his brown eyes wide open with shock and fear. I took pity on his and carefully removed the sock that had been stuffed in his mouth (hopefully it was a clean sock).

"How are you, Mr. Ferguson?" I asked.

"How do I look!" he screamed, his voice rising shrilly. "I've been kidnapped by a freak circus! What the hell is going on! Where's that bitch, Dessie, and Kate? I'll kill them! The cops will find you and out you all in jail, but then I'll hunt you down in your cells and kill you."

"So nice," I said casually.

"That's why he's gagged," explained Kisame. "Tobi took out the sock earlier and the bastard would not shut up."

"It's fine," I said. "He's curses aren't any worse than Dessie's."

"True," said Kisame.

Tobi snuck up behind me and wrapped his arms around my legs and cooed, "Hannah-Nunu."

"I would have suspected Dessie to be behind this, but not you too, Hannah!" shouted Mr. Ferguson. "You were a good student – but now I see your true colors! You're a real bitch, you know that Hannah!"

Irritably, I turned to Kisame and asked, "Would you mind doing the honors?"

"Not at all."

He made a series of hand signs and made a summoning. There was a puff of smoke and when it had cleared, a frying pan sat at Kisame's feet. Gladly, I picked it up and rounded on Mr. Ferguson.

"I apologize for having kidnapped you, sir," I said, winding up the frying pan. "But I really don't want to go to jail."

"What are you doing with that frying pan!" he screamed.

CLANG!

The frying pan made contact with Mr. Ferguson's skull. His eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped forward in the seat, unconscious.

"Very scary," said Kisame approvingly.

"Yeah, yeah." I turned to them and wiggled the frying pan threateningly. "Now what were you two discussing before I came down here – tell me quickly or you'll face the wrath of my metal pan."

Kisame and Tobi exchanged nervous glances, and then Kisame said, "The Love Guru strikes back!"

"What?"

"However, this time the Love Guru plans to take action on behalf of Hidan."

Tobi giggled excitedly.

"No…" I murmured. "Let me guess... You're going to help Hidan steal Dessie away from Itachi."

Kisame nodded. "Can't you see it! The Love Guru solves epic triangle between three crazy-ass psychos! I'll go down in history!"

"As a freak," I muttered. "You're all freaks, you know that?"

"Hannah-Nunu shouldn't say such things!" wailed Tobi. "It makes Tobi sad!"

"Wh–"

And then, from somewhere above ground, there came the massive sound of an explosion taking place.

My heart froze, and the three of us stood completely still and in dead silence, staring at the ceiling above us wondering what the hell was going on up there.

It was Kisame, of course, who broke the silence:

"Deidara's doing something stupid again. I hope Dessie kills him this time."

"Oh shit…" I murmured and, before Kisame or Tobi could stop me, I sprinted up the stairs in search of the bomb's source.

It took me a good twenty minutes to find Deidara in the mansion. He hadn't moved, thankfully, nor had he set off any recent explosions. Instead, he remained rooted to the spot in Dessie's art gallery, with the rubble remains of what had once been Dessie's Aunt Bella's favorite statue.

"Deidara!" I screamed. "What have you done!"

"Art is a band, uhn!"

"Not when Dessie kills you for it!"

Deidara kicked the rubble awkwardly and then looked up to grin at me. "It's it beautiful?"

"It was until you decided to destroy it and blow the thing to a million tiny bits and pieces…" I gripped the handle of my frying pan tighter and rounded on Deidara with newfound anger. "Dessie won't kill you – because I'm going to beat you into the next life before she can even discover what's happened!"

I raised the frying pan high above my head and brought it crashing down in the direction of Deidara's head. However, he had enough sense to side step (being the elite shinobi that he is) and instead of hitting Deidara, the frying pan embedded itself in the head of Aunt Bella's second favorite statue.

Deidara and I stood frozen in the middle of the gallery, staring at the now broken head of a Greek god.

"Er…this isn't good…" I muttered and tried to pull the frying pan out of Apollo's head. The moment the frying pan was free, the entire statue started to crumble into little tiny bits.

Deidara laughed.

"Oh, sure," I said, trembling slightly. "You can laugh. You don't know Dessie as well as I do."

"What's she going to do?" asked Deidara between fits of laughed. "Kill me?"

"Worse. She has friends in high and low places – mostly low."

Suddenly, there was the sound of footsteps running down the hallway. My body grew stiff as both Deidara and I turned to the entrance to the hallway as Kate came sprinting into the gallery.

"Hannah! Hannah guess what!"

She flung her arms around my neck, not noticing the debris scattered around me.

"What?" I asked, trying to pry her off.

"We met my parents and the urchins and Sonia and Damon–"

Three more people stepped into the gallery behind Kate. Sonia and Dessie were absorbed in their own conversation of hotties, while Damon caught sight of me and grinned eagerly.

"Get off her, Kate," he said. "I want to give her a hug."

He flung his arms around my shoulders and gave me a huge hug. "Missed you, Hannah. Life gets dull without you."

When Damon let go, Deidara and I inched awkwardly in front of the fallen statues, hoping that Sonia and Dessie would leave before Dessie saw…

"What's that?" asked Damon, pointing behind us. "Wasn't that once Apollo's bust?"

Dessie paused. Midway in her conversation with Sonia, she turned to stare at Deidara and me, her expression stiff. Slowly, she sauntered towards us, her eyes flashing dangerously. "What did you do to my aunt's precious Apollo?"

"Nothing," said Deidara innocently. "That was all Hannah's fault.

"What!" I cried, rounding on his angrily. "You're the one who decided it'd be fun to blow up Artemis!"

Dessie twitched…

[The next scene is censored due to the extreme violence displayed by Dessie as she beats Hannah and Deidara senseless in revenge for the destruction of her aunt's most precious possessions]

When all was said and done, Damon sat back and grinned at the crippled bodies of Deidara and me.

"Ah," he said. "It's good to be back."

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! Now, please review some more or Hannah and her frying pan will hunt you down!