Rey was surprised when she heard the door to her quarters open with a soft whoosh. Ben had only just left, perhaps he'd forgotten… but it wasn't Ben. Finn stood in her threshold, his shoulders slightly hunched, an awkward smile slowly creeping along his face. He raised a hand in hello but made no move to enter.
"Fi – FN-2187!" Rey cried, cringing internally at the use of his First Order designation. "You're here."
Rey jumped out of bed and ran to wrap Finn in a warm hug which he returned nearly instantly. For a moment, Rey could almost forget that he had no idea who she was.
It had been so much harder than she had imagined, her friends and the people she had cared about not knowing her. Just yesterday, she had seen Rose and her sister Paige laughing about something in the hallway by the refresher. Rey had approached them and they had introduced themselves, they had been perfectly polite but it was clear they were uncomfortable and star-struck to be speaking with Rey, Jedi and Resistance Hero.
People had seen her like that last time too, it wasn't something completely foreign to her, people watching her, seeing her as a hero. The Resistance was smaller then though, by a considerable amount. It had been easier to meet everyone, talk with them, let them see that she was a person first. That was all but impossible now.
More than that, it was dawning on her that even if she managed to recapture her relationships with everyone she had loved in her past life, she would have fond memories of them that they would never, could never share.
"Actually," Finn said as they pulled back from the embrace. "It's Finn." He smiled. "Poe gave it to me – the name." He added quickly.
"That's great." Rey said, her heart full to bursting; some things never changed, some things really were fated to be. The prospect was as sweet as it was terrifying. "It's a great name. It suits you, I think."
"Yeah, I like it." Finn shifted uncomfortably, chewing on the inside of his lip. Rey considered him, curious. "I never got to thank you. I'm still not sure what happened back on Pressy's Tumble, why you were there, why you were looking for me… You saved me. I'd known for so long that I didn't belong there, in the First Order, I think something in me always knew. I'll never be able to make it up to you."
"You don't have to." Rey insisted. One day she would explain everything to Finn, she decided. One day when there was enough time, maybe once she understood why or how all of this had happened, she would help him understand just how much he meant to her. "You being here, that's enough."
"Rey," Finn said, his face dropping, his voice growing grim. "That man you're with, he's dangerous. They called him 'Jedi Killer', Rey. Kylo Ren, he's -"
"I know." Rey said, gently, perching herself on the end of the bed.
"He's – Wait, what?" Finn stopped, his face twisted in confusion, as if he hadn't heard her right. "You… you know?" He shook his head, not understanding.
"I know that Ben used to be Kylo Ren," Rey said softly. "Trust me, I know all about him." She said, shaking her head with a small laugh. "He's changed." Finn shot her a pitying look. "And either way, I can handle myself. Thank you though."
"It just doesn't make sense." Finn shook his head. "I was on sanitation duty on Starkiller, I saw him, he was a monster, Rey. I just don't see how someone like that could just change out of nowhere."
"I know, I don't expect you to." Rey said, with a small shake of her head. She more than understood where Finn was coming from, there was a time when she found it hard to imagine as well.
"Just… Just keep an eye on him, please." Finn pleaded, thoroughly unconvinced.
Ben returned after some time with Poe following close behind, both of their arms laden with trays of food. Ben looked completely exhausted. Finn and Poe stayed while they ate, only Rey and Poe spoke much, the air was thick with tension, they left not long after.
Rey was surprised to find that Ben did not seem relieved to be left alone as he often did. He shifted uncomfortably, his teeth grinding together, his hands shoved in his pockets. He was looking at the floor contemplatively.
"We need to get Luke." He confessed; his voice tight with discomfort. "I've spoken with my mother, she agrees. It's time."
"Are you alright?" Rey asked tentatively.
She knew very well the bad blood that existed between Ben and his uncle, the dark spot on Ben's psyche in the shape of Luke Skywalker. He no longer wanted to kill Luke, of course, but very little else had changed. The hurt, the pain and the betrayal had remained.
"Yes," He said sharply. And then he sighed an apology. "We've put it off too long already."
Han, Leia and Chewie had decided to join them. Rey had explained how… reluctant Luke had been last time to return with her. Leia had scoffed at that, saying that her brother would return with them even if she had to drag him back by the ear kicking and screaming. Some wicked part of Rey, maybe the part that had sat outside his hut in the rain for nearly a full day, almost hoped she would get to see that.
Ben was a fidgety mess for the entire flight. She tried to distract him with a few games of Dejarik, but he was distracted and distant and Rey won every game handily even though Ben certainly had more experience. She decided to just sit close to him, to quietly comfort him, hold his hand.
"It will be okay." She whispered placing a light kiss to his knuckles. Ben, seemingly unable to vocally respond just squeezed her hand three times in quick succession.
Everyone had gathered into the cockpit as they approached the green, mountainous island. Sharp, craggy rocks jutted up towards the sky like fangs.
"That the place?" Han asked.
"Yes," Rey said. As they began their descent.
"I can't sense him." Leia said, her voice quiet.
"He's closed himself off from the force." Rey explained solemnly. "It's just down there." She said, pointing to the flat bit of land overhanging the ocean, the same place she and Chewie had landed the ship last time. The spot she had experienced the rain, the place she had called Kylo Ren a monster. Rey shivered at that memory, cold like the crisp ocean air outside.
"We're supposed to climb that?" Han complained, pointing to the steep steps that wound up the mountain to the village, the temple, and the overlook where Rey had first met Luke, where she expected to find him now. "Leia, I swear, these kids are trying to kill me."
"Alright!" Rey said, clapping her hands together as she felt Ben stiffen beside her. "Let's go!"
Leia struggled the most with the stairs leading up the mountain, Ben helped her climb as best as he could, but by the time they reached the village she had decided to hang back and wait for them there. Han also stayed behind, complaining of his knees clicking unnaturally. They both urged Ben, Rey and Chewie on.
As Rey approached the peak, she imagined seeing him there, his robes blowing in the wind. She felt herself transported to another time, so full of hope and pain and fear, holding out a lightsaber to a man who had refused to accept it. As they crested the ridge, she saw that the clearing was empty, Luke was not there.
She checked his fishing spot, not there, the temple, not there, the uneti tree, not there.
Ben was fascinated by the tree library, awestruck by the ancient sacred Jedi texts within it. His hand had hovered tentatively over each of them, seemingly too afraid to even touch them. It left Rey feeling a little embarrassed with how indelicately she had sometimes handled the texts, she remembered roughly tossing them into the drawer on the Falcon in her mad rush to leave last time and cringed.
"He's probably back in the village." Ben mused quietly, delicately turning a yellow page of the text he had picked up. "My mother is probably dragging him back to the ship now."
Chewie grunted in agreement and offered to go check. Rey approached Ben, she recognized the book he was reading, the Chronicles of Brus-bu. His fingers traced lightly over the text on the pages.
"Is this how you fixed my grandfather's lightsaber?" He asked, pointing to a particular passage on healing kyber crystals.
"It is,"
"Hmmm," Ben hummed thoughtfully.
If Rey were honest, she hoped that he would try to heal his crystal. The process of bleeding sounded painful and she couldn't help but feel like using a bled crystal, something imbued with so much pain and hate and darkness would only hinder his progress towards the light. She would not pressure him; it seemed an incredibly personal thing and it was a choice that he should make himself.
It was when Rey stepped outside of the tree for a moment into the thick fog that had settled over the island that she saw him. Luke Skywalker, robes billowing behind him. He stopped dead when he saw her, his expression curious.
"Luke," Rey said breathlessly. Luke's face fell into an annoyed scowl as he turned and marched back into the fog. Not this again, Rey thought bitterly. "Ben," She called out behind her.
Ben was by her side in an instant. She could feel how tense he was, his hands balled into fists before relaxing as he exhaled deeply.
"Luke." Ben said, his voice flat.
Luke froze on the spot and turned slowly to face them. His face went lax, his mouth parted in shock, disbelief. His eyes widened and then narrowed looking Ben and Rey over, as if uncertain whether they were real or visions. He took a careful step towards them. Rey could feel Ben wanting to step backwards and she grabbed his hand tight.
"Ben?" His tone was wary, his voice hardly more than a whisper, barely audible above the crashing of the waves below. Luke took another step forward and then a third until he and Ben were only an arm's length apart. Uncle and nephew, master and apprentice, considered each other for the first time in years. Ben squeezed Rey's hand thrice and she squeezed his back. "Ben, I -"
"The Resistance requires your aid." Ben gritted out. "We've been sent to… retrieve you."
Rey looked up at Ben, his face was schooled into a neutral expression. He was good at that, turning his face into a mask of cold flesh to hide what he was feeling inside. It was a defense mechanism. He always forgot about his eyes though, which were always full of emotion. His eyes, currently, were overflowing with pain but also determination.
"The Resistance?" Luke's eyes narrowed, confused.
"The Emperor has returned." Rey said bluntly. She was not going to mince words, not with Luke Skywalker, not when no one knew how much time they had left to act.
Luke's eyes flew open wide, he took a step backwards in shock. He almost seemed like he was going to fall over. He looked between Ben and Rey for a moment.
"That's – That's not possible."
"It is." Ben said coolly. "Sidious is back, we've seen him, we've fought him. This time we need your help."
Ben and Rey ran through their story, or, the relevant parts anyway, fighting Sidious, waking up in the past. Luke was hesitant to believe them which, Ben supposed, was understandable. Ben found himself staring out into the fog or at the ground, it was too much to look into his uncle's blue eyes. Every time he caught them, unintentionally, he was back on Crait, terrified, furious and frothing at the mouth, or he was lying in bed and those eyes were looking down on him cast in a green light. Each look pierced his heart with a new, terrible, complicated emotion.
"Why does he want you?" Luke asked, shaking his head.
"He -" Ben began, but Rey cut him off.
"No, Ben." He looked down at her, meeting her eyes. "He should know. I want him to." Ben was confused for a moment, but then it hit him.
"Rey -" Ben began. No one needed to know, she could keep it a secret. Her family didn't have to define her like his had for him. Rey just shot him a meaningful gaze.
"The Emperor wants me – I'm his granddaughter."
Luke's gaze lost a bit of its fire, his face settled. He exhaled deeply and considered Rey closely. Luke said nothing for a moment and nodded. Ben felt a sudden familiar presence wash over him, his uncles's force signature blooming back to light. Luke looked to him.
"Your mother is here?" Luke asked.
They rushed to the village. Leia was already waiting at the edge of it, her face lit up at the sight of her long-lost brother. She and Luke embraced, the years apart melting away between them. Ben's father and Chewbacca ducked out from the doorway of one of the small stone huts. Chewie howled a celebratory hello to his old friend.
"Chewie," Luke laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Han!"
Luke pulled both of them into the embrace. They stayed like that for a while, four old friends, lost years and shared pain overpowered by their love for each other. Ben watched them with pain blooming in his chest, thinking of all the ways they had been destroyed by his own machinations.
Ben didn't want to think about that now. He didn't want to see his father's face, so filled with undue love and forgiveness, before he fell into the depths of a soon-to-be dying planet. He didn't want to hear Chewies cries of grief and pain as he shot Ben with his bowcaster. He didn't want to feel his uncle's Force signature fade from the world as the Resistance fled Ben's raging. He didn't want to hear his mother's voice wash over him like one of the waves of Kef Bir, a last act of love before she was gone forever. He didn't want to think of any of that, not when they were here and they were fine - but just because they were here now, just because he hadn't destroyed them in this timeline, it didn't mean he never had.
Still, being here now, making the right choices this time - it had to mean something, right? He could do better, he could be better - he wanted to be better. He had so hoped that it would be enough, but still, something in him felt so broken, so damaged it seemed irreparable, and the worst of it was, he didn't even know what was broken, let alone how to fix it.
"What were you thinking?" Leia asked, finally pulling away and whopping her brother on the back of the head with an open palm. "Running away like that - laserbrain!"
"Leia!" Luke cried, stepping back, he rubbed his head mussing his grey hair, and then he laughed. "I'm sorry!"
"Did you really think you could lose us that easily, farm boy?" Han asked with a laugh of his own. Ben was shocked by how easily they fell back into old familiarity. He felt very suddenly overwhelmed.
He felt himself walking away, where he was going, he did not know. Rey turned and said his name, but he just shook his head. He needed space, he needed to walk, he needed to breathe. Seeing his family together, his family, it was too much. He was happy, he was sad, he was hurt, he was guilty. It was all too much.
He found himself in a cave overlooking the ocean, it was unclear if the cavern was natural or manmade. A pool sat directly in the middle, the water cool and still. A mosaic of a humanoid figure sat in the center. The figure was split in two, one half black and the other white. Ben thought he had seen the image before in his studies, the Prime Jedi.
Ben sat himself on the edge of the pool and unclipped his lightsaber from his belt. He just stared at it for a while, inspecting it. With a flick of his wrist it was floating in the air in front of him, each of its different components disassembling. The hilt components laid themselves on the ground in front of him carefully while the two cracked pieces of his kyber crystal, red and screaming, floated in front of him. He grabbed one in each hand and considered them carefully.
"Healing," He muttered into the emptiness of the ancient Jedi temple.
He'd been thinking about it a lot since Rey had brought it up back in the med bay.
If you could, would you want to?
He hadn't had an answer for her then, not a satisfying one at least. Blessedly, Rey had not pressed him, but he hadn't stopped wondering about how it could be done, if it was something someone like him even could do. Then he had found that text in the uneti tree. It had called to him, had wanted him to see the passage on repairing crystals. He realized now that his answer was 'yes', he did want to heal his crystal. The crystal was the heart of the blade, the heart of the Jedi and Ben hoped that in healing his crystal he could heal some part of himself - it was a nice thought, anyway.
Ben breathed in deeply and for the first time in years opened himself up fully to his past.
The memories came flooding back, Snoke in his mind telling him to pour every ounce of pain and misery and hatred he had felt into the crystal, to bend it and shape it to his own design. He had thought of his family and tried to pour his hatred for them into the gem, but something had gone wrong. The crystal cracked; the process was incomplete. Because Ben hadn't hated his family; he had still loved them and that was why the bleeding had not worked as intended.
Ben closed his fists around both halves of the crystal and shut his eyes. Crossing his legs under him and breathing in deeply he tried to stoke the flame of light that burned within him, tried to draw on the light and love that surrounded him and push that into the kyber. This was what the text he had read said to do. He thought of his mother, his father, Chewbacca, Uncle Lando, Rey – all of the people he cared about and who never gave up on him, even well after they probably should have. He felt the warmth and the light flow through him, through his veins and out again. He envisioned it wrapping around the two halves of the crystal, filling them with light, healing them, healing him.
He opened his eyes and peeled back his fingers revealing two halves of one crystal, both still angry and flaming red. He shook his head in frustration. Of course, it hadn't worked. Why had he thought he could do this?
"Ben?" A familiar voice called out from behind him causing Ben to nearly jump out of his skin. He whirled around to see his uncle standing in the arched entrance to the cave. Ben narrowed his eyes at the man.
Luke was older than he remembered. Even when he had fought the man on Crait – or, when he thought he had been fighting him – Luke had looked exactly as he had when Ben had fled the Jedi temple. It was another trick of the force projection, Ben realized now with a huff.
"We're getting ready to head out." Luke said carefully.
"And they sent you to fetch me?" Ben asked, his voice low and poisonous.
"I volunteered." Luke said plainly, not acknowledging Ben's tone. "What are you doing?"
"Why do you care?"
"Just curious." Ben's uncle said with a shrug. He then crossed the distance between them and tentatively sat next to Ben on the edge of the pool. Ben stiffened at his uncle's nearness but made no move to stand or draw away. Luke looked to the cracked crystal in Ben's hand.
"What'd you do to your crystal, kid?" Ben had to bite the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from snapping at his uncle, warm copper blood trickled onto his tongue. Luke was chastising him, like he was a child.
"Do you remember when you found it?" Luke asked.
"I do." Ben replied, though he wasn't sure why he had. He didn't owe this man the time of day.
He remembered finding his crystal very well. It had been one of the happiest days of his life. Days of searching and finally, he had sensed it, calling to him. He remembered with startling clarity holding the crystal between two fingers, watching the uncolored stone slowly grow blue as the gem attuned to him. Now it sat in his palms, bleeding and broken by his own hands.
"It certainly took you some time, and you were so frustrated, you almost gave up. Do you remember that?"
Ben nodded curtly.
"I hadn't been reaching out for it properly."
"You were too aggressive, you weren't listening, you…"
"You aren't my master any longer." Ben said bluntly. He thought of reminding his former master as to why that was, but decided against it. "You don't get to lecture me anymore."
"You're right." Luke conceded sadly, his gaze falling to the stone floor below them. He sighed. "Listen,"
"Don't" Ben snapped. "Don't apologize."
He was still so angry with his uncle, but he couldn't take that. Not when the man's death was so fresh on his mind, not when he knew in his heart that it had been his fault, not when, though he was loath to admit it, that knowledge threatened to crush him even now.
"Oh?" His uncle perked up a bit, his lips curling up in a mischievous way that flooded Ben with memories both fond and terrible. "You're so sure I was going to apologize?"
"You did last time." Ben grumbled, remembering his uncle's apology and confession on Crait. At the time he had thought it was just to unbalance him, but now he realized it was most likely genuine. "You said that you had failed me."
"I did." Luke said, meeting Ben's eyes before the younger man could look away.
"You don't know what I've done."
"Ben, I am sorry." Luke said. "I did fail you."
"You were right about me." Ben spat, his voice rising, his chest heaving.
What did Luke know? What did he know about anything? Luke could not remember the monster that Ben had been, what he had done. He knew nothing of the fates his sister, his friend and he, himself, had suffered at Ben's hands. Hands which were covered in the blood of good people, of innocent people. Hands which could never be clean, no matter how good Ben tried to be now. Failing to repair his crystal had proven that, hand't it? There were parts of Ben that could never heal. There weren't enough good deeds in the galaxy to atone for his crimes, to save his already damned soul.
Luke didn't fail you. The cruelest voice in Ben's head spat. It tugged at the edges of his frayed psyche, threatening to unspool the whole thing. He failed the galaxy in staying his hand.
"Clearly, I wasn't, Ben."
"I killed my father." Ben stood, turning to his uncle, his hands balled into fists, the crystal cutting into both of his palms, drawing blood.
He had to show him. Ben had to show Luke just how right he had been.
"He was trying to bring me home and I murdered him." Ben's voice was frantic, his breathing heavy and erratic. "You died protecting the Resistance - Rey and my mother - from me and apologized for failing me. My mother died reaching out to me, trying to save me. Everyone died because of me." Ben was crying now, and he hated himself for it.
"Of course you were right about me!"
Luke said nothing. Of course, he didn't. He hated Ben, which he should. Ben had destroyed everything. He had been such a fool to think he could return to the light and that everything would be fine. The darkness would always be in him, eating him alive. He could feel it coiling around him now, feeding off of his self-loathing and pain. It felt almost comforting, numbing. He struggled to push it away if only so the pain would come back. It was what he deserved after everything he had done. Ben could feel something on the island calling to him, a hole in the rockface, a cave of mirrors. It wanted him to sink down, into the darkness.
Luke set a hand down on Ben's shoulder and Ben flinched at the contact but did not try to break from it.
"No, Ben." Luke's voice was so calm and serene it helped Ben steady his breath. "I don't believe I was right about you."
Ben could not look at his uncle - how could he make the man see?
"When I -," When Luke sighed, it was pained and ragged and Ben almost turned around, but he couldn't bear it. "I thought your heart had already been turned, Ben, but if that were the case, you wouldn't be here now. I never helped you in the way I should have, none of us did. I can't absolve you of your crimes, but I can forgive you."
"How?"
"Forgiveness is part of loving someone, Ben."
Ben's father, or the memory of him which had lived on in Ben's heart, had forgiven him. Ben's mother had forgiven him, he'd felt it in the wave of love she'd sent with her dying breath. Rey had forgiven him and healed him after he'd ruthlessly pursued her for over a year. Luke had sought Ben's forgiveness on Crait even as he'd been defending his only sister from him.
"I forgive you Ben, for this life and your last." Luke said as Ben turned to face him, his blue eyes soft and serious. "And I am sorry. I was wrong."
"I forgive you." The words flowed from Ben's lips without thought, completely unbidden, still, he felt an enormous pressure leave his chest, like he had been holding his breath for years and had finally exhaled. He hugged his uncle.
"Next, you'll have to start forgiving yourself." The skin around Luke's eyes crinkled when he smiled at his nephew. "Now, lets take a look at that crystal."