Chapter Thirty-One: Love Gamble

Rule Number Thirty-One: Kakuzu is an amazing bluffer, but Dessie's even better.

Dessie

Two eights and a handful of crap – not bad. I glanced up at Kakuzu over the tops of my cards and saw a demonic grin spread across his face. Rule Number Thirty-One: Kakuzu is an amazing bluffer, but I'm better.

With a completely calm face, I place down three cards and waited as Sonia, the dealer, gave me three new ones from the deck. I glanced at them and then back up at Kakuzu, whose grin was only getting wider as time went by. Hannah folded and so did Deidara, not wanting to waste any more of their pitiful stacks of chips – poker never has been and never will be Hannah's strong point. Deidara was just an idiot.

"I bet ten bucks," said Kakuzu, dropping his coins into the pile.

I glanced at my hand again, and then, after a pause, called. After all, five-card poker was my specialty.

Sonia seemed more divided than me. She fingered her chips lightly, debating. Then, she called and watched as Kakuzu flipped up a three of a kind – three kings.

"Shoot," muttered Sonia as she looked down at her pitiful pile of two dollars worth of chips. "I'm screwed."

"Yep. And so is Kakuzu," and with that, I cheerfully revealed my full house (two four and three eights). I raked in the pile of chips in the middle of the table and then proceeded to carefully short them by worth.

"This is ridiculous," muttered Kakuzu. "You're obviously cheating."

"I don't need to cheat."

"What're Kisame, Tobi, and Hidan up to?" asked Sonia curiously, looking over my shoulder.

Following her gaze, I turned around and saw that in the far corner of the room, the three men were crowded in a circle, discussing in hushed voices. Every once in awhile, they would glance in our direction and then, seeing that we were staring at them, they would quickly look away innocently.

"That's awfully suspicious, uhn," said Deidara.

Hannah glanced at Kisame and then rolled her eyes irritably. "They're all idiots."

"You know what they're talking about?" asked Sonia.

"Unfortunately," said Hannah resignedly. "Don't ask," she added, cutting across Sonia's question. "You'll find out soon enough."

"Shut up," I snapped. "You're disturbing my concentration."

We continued playing for a little longer until Sonia ran out of chips and just sat back to watch. Only then, in the middle of a stalemate between Kakuzu and me, Kisame decided to interrupt the poker game with a "very important issue".

"Hidan has something he wants to talk to you about," said Kisame firmly, trying to pull me away by the arm.

"Get away from me, asshole," I snapped, pulling my arm back and handing the dealer (Deidara) two cards. He gave me two back and I checked them carefully.

"Look, what Hidan has to say is more important than this stupid poker game," said Kisame irritably.

Immediately, both Kakuzu and I turned to glare at Kisame. "Don't insult poker, idiot!"

Kisame glanced from me to Kakuzu and back to me. "You two scare me sometimes, you know that, right? Shitty poker addicts. You all have an addiction – that's messed up."

"Shut up, Kisame," said Deidara. "We're in the middle of a game, uhn."

"Not you too!" cried Kisame. However, he gave up for the time being and retreated to his spot beside Tobi, who was currently holding Hidan captive.

Damon, seeing his chance, now made his way across the room to stand in between Tobi and Kisame. Rather curious, after I folded out of the hand, I turned to see what Damon was going to do.

"So," said Damon nonchalantly. "You're Kisame the Fish Fry and Tobi the Nunu Master."

"Where'd you get those names?" asked Kisame.

Tobi giggled delightedly. "Hannah-Nunu and Dessie-Nunu are so pretty…"

"Dessie came up with them," said Damon (I grinned proudly). "And she also said that you two had intimate relations with my cousin."

Tobi looked confused, while a sly grin spread across Kisame's face and he slung an arm around Damon's shoulders saying, "So you're Kate's cousin. Don't worry; I'll take goof care of my fiancé." Kisame glanced in my direction and winked.

"You…engaged…" gasped Damon, looking horrified. "To Kate?"

"Yep," said Kisame proudly. "She's a darling. Tobi here had a chance for her, but his heart's set on his nunu harem." Kisame slapped Tobi roughly on the shoulder. "And Hidan – well, he's nuts about Dessie."

"Go to hell," snapped Hidan angrily.

Damon snorted. "I pity you, Hidan." And then he turned back to Kisame. "You're too old for my cousin, pervert. Stay away from her."

Kisame chuckled. "It's her choice, is it not?"

"No," said Damon. "It's mine. Now stay away from my cousin." Then, Damon turned to Tobi and said, "Nunus?"

Tobi smiled. "Nunus."

Damon nodded appreciatively. "You have very good taste in nunus, Tobi."

"Tobi knows. Does Damon have nunus too?"

"Of course," said Damon proudly. "Dessie is m bad-ass nunu, Hannah is my sarcastic nunu, and Kate is my sweet nunu."

"What about Jessica?" I asked from the other side of the room.

"Jessica?" asked Kisame curiously.

"His girlfriend," I explained. "She's his sexy nunu."

Damon's face turned a vivid shade of red and he stammered, "Don't bring up Jessica…"

But, of course, eh was too late. A demonic grin spread across Kisame's shark-like face and he leaned over to hand Damon his business card. "If you're having romantic issues, Kisame the Love Guru is here to help. A one-hundred percent success rate."

"Failure rate is even higher…" muttered Hidan as he tried to slip away; however, Tobi caught hold of Hidan's arm, trapping poor Hidan in place.

"Dessie," called out Kakuzu irritably. "You're the dealer."

"Right," I said and I picked up the deck of cards and began shuffling them. After a minute or so, I started dealing out the hands to Hannah, Deidara, Kakuzu, and me.

As I did so, Kisame had grabbed Hidan by the wrist and dragged Hidan over to the poker table. Casually, Kisame leaned over and tapped me on the shoulder, "Dessie! Dessie! Hidan has something he wants to say to you."

"I'm busy," I snapped.

"It's important," said Kisame, holding Hidan in place as Hidan tried to slip away.

"Let g of me, you shithead!" shouted Hidan.

"God damnit, Hidan!" I cried, turning around to punch him in the stomach. "You made me lose count!"

I gathered up all the cards again and shuffled once more before dealing out all the cards once again.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" gasped Hidan, clutching his stomach where all the wind had been knocked out of him. "You psycho-bitch."

I stopped dealing and turned to glower at Hidan. "What did you just call me, you shitty Zombie Whore. Psycho-bitch? I'll tear you from limb to limb and throw you to the carnivores in the zoo. And all the while, as you're screaming you head off in agony, I'll watch and laugh."

"Psycho-bitch," repeated Hidan. "You're a crazy-ass psycho-bitch."

"Dessie! Deal!" shouted Kakuzu angrily.

However, Kisame the Love Guru had had enough with our arguments, because, he pushed past Hidan and picked me up right off the ground, slinging me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. I screamed and pounded my fists against his back, but Kisame simple ignored my struggles.

"Put the dealer down," said Kakuzu angrily. "We're going to finish this."

Kisame looked from Kakuzu to me to the deck of cards on the table. Then, with a triumphant grin, Kisame kicked over the piles of chips, knocking them over into a useless, jumbled mess.

"AH!" Kakuzu screamed. "My money! My precious, beautiful money!"

"The Love Guru has more important matters to attend to," said Kisame and he turned to Hidan and added, "Follow me."

"Make me, you fish fry!" shouted Hidan. "I'm not following you and that psycho-bitch anywhere."

Tobi leapt onto Hidan's back and wrapped his arms and legs so tightly around Hidan's body that Hidan couldn't move an inch.

"What the hell!" cried Hidan, struggling desperately, but he could not manage to break Tobi's strong grasp (Tobi is secretly the leader of the Akatsuki for nothing).

"Good job, Tobi," said Kisame proudly. "Take him outside."

And, with me slung over his shoulder, Kisame led Hidan and Tobi outside into the front garden. It was only when we were outside and far clear of the house did Kisame put me down – or rather dropped me. Tobi, too, released Hidan and the two of them stood there, grinning excitedly at Hidan and me.

"What do you want, shitheads?" I asked angrily.

"Tell her, Hidan," said Tobi. "Tell her!"

"Tell her what?" snapped Hidan. "This was all part of your stupid plan – I have no part in it." He began to walk away when Kisame grabbed Hidan by the shoulder and dragged Hidan back in front of me, this time with a kunai pressed to Hidan's throat.

"This is a violation of free will, you assholes!" shouted Hidan angrily.

"Tell her," said Kisame threateningly, the kunai drawing blood as it dug deeper into Hidan's neck.

"You can't kill me, you moron!" shouted Hidan. "I'm an immortal!"

"You're right," said Kisame and he slid the kunai down so that it threatened a more…important area of Hidan's body.

"Whoa! Whoa!" cried Hidan, struggling against Kisame frantically. "Where do you think you're putting that thing?"

"Tell her, Zombie Whore, or your little manly bits are going bye-bye."

Hidan yelped.

I snickered. "Tell me what?"

Kisame gave Hidan a little push and Hidan, in desperation, screamed, "Tell you that I fucking like you, you shitty psycho-bitch!"

I stared. First at Kisame, who was grinning triumphantly. Then at Tobi, who I think was smiling underneath that orange mask of his. And finally at Hidan, who had managed to slip away from Kisame's kunai.

"Don't joke with me!" I screamed and kicked Hidan between the legs.

Then, I turned around and stormed off back to the house. Behind me I heard Tobi's laughter and Kisame saying with a sigh, "The Love Guru's got a long way to go before he gets this couple together."

"Shut up!" I said, before returning to get my revenge on Kisame and Tobi. Then, sure that I had caused damage to every annoying guy, I returned to the house to direct Kakuzu towards the son-of-a-shark who ruined our poker game. Ah, revenge is ever so sweet.

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! Also, FEEL KAKUZU'S WRATH IF YOU DON'T REVIEW!