Chapter Thirty-Two: When Sparks Fly

Rule Number Thirty-Two: Don't let the Akatsuki watch movies – very, very bad things happen in the dark…

Kate

"Let's have a movie night!"

When I spoke those five words, I had no idea the doom and despair that come with them. Then again, by now I had spent enough time with the Akatsuki that I should no – there is nothing we can do that down not come wrapped in a pretty bow of doom and despair.

"No." (This was Hannah speaking)

There were six of us draped around the sofas and chairs in one of Dessie's many living rooms. Dessie and Hannah sat on the sofa, sharing a bowl of chips while Sonia sat on the floor in front of them, every so once in awhile trying to steal a chip. On the other side of the rom, Hidan had discovered the uses of an automatic recliner chair and had now spent an entire hour pressing buttons and grinning madly whenever the chair moved. Itachi, also, was there, reading yet another book from Dessie's private library.

"Why not?" I asked Hannah. "A movie night would be fun…"

"It'd be disastrous," corrected Hannah. "The answer is no."

"I think it'd be hilarious," said Dessie cheerfully. "Imagine the Akatsuki watching the Titanic."

We all imagined it for a moment and then shuddered.

Sonia, however, laughed excitedly. "Let's do it! Dessie okayed the idea and it's her house! What movie should we watch? We need to get some supplies! Popcorn? Pizza?"

I grinned and, ignoring Hannah's protests, said, "We should go to the store! Who wants to come with us?"

There was a pause.

"I want to go!" Hidan leapt out of his recliner chair and raced across the room. "Should I bring my scythe?"

Dessie rolled her eyes. "No sacrificing people in the middle of the store! You're as bad as Deidara to bring in public."

"Shut up, bitch," snapped Hidan angrily. "You would never be able to understand the qualities of Jashinism. Sacrifices are an important part of every day life. It's only because of Leader that I've been so good lately. The moment you turn you back, someone's going bye-bye."

Itachi smirked. "Leader made no such command. You're only obeying because Dessie threatened to cut off your manly bits and nail them to the door if you sacrificed anyone."

"Itachi, you traitor," snapped Hidan.

Dessie snickered. "Hell yeah, my boyfriend's always there to back me up."

Angrily, Hidan marched to the other side of the room where Sonia sat, picked her up right off the ground, and gave her a rib-breaking hug, glaring at Dessie all the while. "Well my girl is always here to back me up."

Dessie scowled. "You have awful taste in women."

Hidan's eyes narrowed and he hugged Sonia tighter until her eyes bugged out. "And so does Itachi – what kind of crazy bastard would like a stalker like you?"

Itachi coughed, which sounded suspiciously like the word "you". However, if Hidan heard Itachi, he chose to ignore the accusation and continued to glare at Dessie while practically hugging Sonia to death. Suddenly, without warning, Dessie got up from her seat on the sofa, knocking the bowl of chips to the floor. She grabbed Itachi by the wrist and dragged him out of the room. Over his shoulder, Itachi looked back and mouthed "Help me".

I almost felt sorry for him.

Thankfully, out of the Akatsuki only Hidan and Konan came to the gracery store with us. So, we made quick progress with minimal accidents occurring (by minimal I mean that Hidan only tried to sacrifice one person and Konan only made a mess in the paper aisle once).

Mostly, the low amount of death threats came from the fact that Hidan was occupied for most of the outing. After his hugging session with Sonia this morning, Sonia decided to latch herself onto Hidan and not let go, convinced that they were "lovers" now. Hidan, of course, looked disgusted by Sonia attachment and kept trying to lose her amongst the aisle of the grocery store. However, unlike Hidan who kept getting lost in the toiletry section, Sonia knew her way around the store well and it turned into a gigantic game of hide-and-seek.

"This is ridiculous," said Hannah wearily as Sonia sprinted past us giggling madly.

I frowned slightly and said, "I'm sort of glad Dessie decided to remain home and prepare the house. She'd be breaking walls if she were here."

Hannah shuddered at the thought.

"Why don't they just get together already?" asked Konan.

"Why don't you and Leader just get together already?" snapped back Hannah.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure…" muttered Hannah irritably. Then, she added, "This movie night is going to be the death of me."

"What movie should we watch?" I asked.

"What's a movie?" asked Konan curiously.

Hannah and I exchanged horrified glances. "You don't…know…?"

Konan shook her head.

"A movie…" said Hannah thoughtfully. "Is where there's overly dramatic story told out through movie images on a screen…"

Konan didn't look any less confused.

"Actors are filled…and then…" Hannah rolled her eyes at Konan's bemused expression. "I give up. You'll see tonight…if we ever manage to get out of here!" She added the last part as Hidan came sprinting by with Sonia hot at his heels.

"Let's watch Mama Mia!" I said excitedly. "I love that movie!"

"I hate that movie," said Hannah glumly. "So cheesy and such bullshit."

"It's adorable!" I wailed.

"It's awful."

"What is it?" asked Konan. "What's it about? I want to see this movie now. Let's watch it."

As I skipped to the movie aisle to see if they had Mama Mia for sale, Hannah groaned. "We're doomed now. We'll be lucky if the Akatsuki don't blow up the entire neighborhood at the sight of this catastrophe of a movie."

Konan shrugged. "I thought it sounded interesting."

I returned to the cart, waving the copy of Mama Mia above my head. "They had it!"

"Hey, baby; are you from Tennesse because you're the only ten I see!"

At the sound of an incredible bad pickup line, both Konan, Hannah, and I turned ot see who had spoken. My heart plummeted as I caught sight of Raymond Fleming. With thick glasses and a serious acne problem, Raymond was an ex-classmate of mine who had a crush on Hannah for about a year, me for three, and Dessie for about a week.

"What do you want?" Hannah asked disgustedly.

Raymond wiggled his eyebrows suggestivelyat Konan. "Hey, honey… Do you work for UPS? Because I swear I saw you checking out my package." He winked.

"Dear Warg," Hannah muttered, turning away to hide slightly behind Konan. "I don't know that guy."

Konan looked confused. "What's UPS? I work for the Akatsuki."

"It's okay to think slowly. You must be tired, because you've been running through my head all night." Raymond grinned.

"Um…" Konan glanced around for an escape route. "We only met two seconds ago…"

"Raymond!" I yelled dragging Konan and the cart away from my ex-classmate, trying to find the fastest route to the checkout line. "Don't…don't say it!"

"I caught him!" cried Sonia, running up to us and dragging Hidan along by the collar of his shirt. "He put up a good fight, but he could a–" She caught sight of Raymond and stared. For about a minute, she didn't move an inch, just gawped at him disbelievingly. Then, she screamed.

"Hey Sonia," said Raymond excitedly. "I must b in heaven, because I just saw an angel."

"I must be in heaven," snapped Sonia. "Because I just saw you walking away."

"Who is this bastard?" asked Hidan confusedly.

"Stalker," said Hannah and I nodded in mute agreement.

Suddenly, a light filled Hannah's eyes and she turned to Hidan excitedly. "This guy stalks Dessie and throws her the most corniest pickup lines imaginable!"

The words were magical. Hidan's eyes flashed as he turned to regard Raymond with the upmost loathing. Hidan walked forward and said, in the most deadly tones, "I'm going to kill you."

"Dessie?" said Raymond, backing away slightly at the sight of Hidan. "That psycho? I liked her for a week… Then, when I asked her for a date, she knocked me out, tied me up, and tried to feed me to the lions at the zoo."

Hannah, Sonia, and I snickered.

"Good times," said Sonia cheerfully. "Good times…"

Hidan, however, had stopped attacking Raymond and was now nodding in agreement. "She is a psycho bitch."

Seeing a glimmer of hope, Raymond jumped on Hidan's comment. "I know!" he cried. "Even if she's a hot babe with a big chest, she's completely insane! She ought to be locked up somewhere…"

Before Raymond could finish his sentence, Hidan's hand shot out and caught Raymond by the throat. Hidan's expression was livid as he glared at Raymond. Slowly, loathingly, Hidan said, "Jashin-sama will relish your death, you puny heathen."

"What…did…I…do?" gasped Raymond desperately.

Hannah looked thoughtful. "You probably shouldn't have commented on Dessie's chest. For a psychopathic murderer Hidan is pretty pure in mind."

"Shut up!" snapped Hidan, turning to Hannah.

As he did so, he dropped Raymond and the boy scampered off out of the store before Hidan could remember to kill him. We watched him go, a little forlorn that Hidan hadn't murder Raymond. Oh well, we can't have everything in life.

"Dessie…"

"Yes, Katie?" Dessie smiled innocently at me.

We stood in the living room amongst the crowd of people all waiting for Hannah to arrive with the popcorn so that the movie could start. Dessie and I stood side-by-side in front of the DVD player, watching the scene in front of us.

"Dessie… why did you feel obliged to invite my parents to watch the movie with us?" I asked miserably.

Sure enough, my mother, dressed in paint splattered jeans and a tie-dyed t-shirt, was mingling amongst the Akatsuki. Currently, she was explaining to Deidara why explosions don't promote world peace. My dad, on the other hand, was holding a beer bottle and congratulating Kisame and Tobi on their good taste in women.

"We should go make sure Kisame and Tobi don't kill Mr. Harris," said Dessie cheerfully, and she dragged me across the room to stand beside my dad.

"Dessie-Nunu!" cried Tobi, and he flung his arms around Dessie's neck excitedly. "Tobi missed his nunu! Tobi was so lonely!"

My dad glanced at Tobi suspiciously. "What about Kate?"

Tobi glanced at me and then to my dad. "Tobi only has Hannah and Dessie Nunus."

My dad's eye twitched and he turned to regard Tobi with an icy expression. "Do you mean to tell me that my darling Kate is not worthy of being your nunu?"

Tobi nodded excitedly. "Harris understands Tobi!"

"Of course…" My dad was turning red about the ears as the rage bottled up inside of him. His eyes flashed and suddenly, my dad raised his half empty beer bottle above his head and brought it smashing down on Tobi's. "How dare you reject my beloved daughter like that you crazy jerk! She's beautiful and stunning and kind and lovely! In what way is she not worthy of being you precious, precious nunu!"

Tobi staggered under the blow my father had dealt, but, being the powerful shinobi that he is, Tobi did not pass out. Instead, he took one look at my father, who was still screaming his head off about my perfect, and then, Tobi turned and ran.

"Coward!" shouted my father, turning to chase after Tobi.

Kisame, however, came to Tobi's rescue. He wrapped his arms around my neck and rested his chin on top my head, grinning at my dad confidently. "Hello, Mr. Harris. I'm Kate's fiancé, Kisame. Nice to meet you, future-father-in-law."

"Get off me!" I cried, pushing Kisame's arms away from me.

Kisame cackled villainously and stepped backwards.

My father approached Kisam with a warm smile on his face. "Kisame, how do you do. Aren't you a little old for my daughter? Well, it doesn't matter, age is unimportant when it comes to love, right? Well, I'm glad to meet you, Kisame, take good care of my daughter."

He said all this with a huge smile on his face and his hands fixed around Kisame's neck, strangling Kisame to death.

"Should we help him?" I asked Dessie nervously.

Dessie looked thoughtful. "Wow. When he can't breathe, Kisame turns black instead of blue…"

"Dessie!"

"Oh alright." She turned to my father and screamed, "Look! General's Sporting Goods have a fifty percent off sale on all hideous biking outfits!"

Almost immediately, my father dropped Kisame and turned around wildly, crying "Where!"

"There you go," said Dessie turning back to me. "Problem solved."

"Popcorn has arrived!"

We turned to see Hannah walking into the room trying to balance three big bowls of buttered popcorn. Almost immediately, the guys rushed around her to take away the popcorn (not out of gentlemanliness, but because of their stomach – just in case any female romantics were thinking the other way).

Deidara hopped down in the squishy arm chair and grinned excitedly at the TV. "Movie time!"

"Don't blow it up," warned Dessie, taking the bowl of popcorn from Hidan and sitting down in the middle of the couch. "Or you're buying me a new one."

"Give me back to popcorn, bitch," snapped Hidan, trying to take the bowl back from Dessie.

She kicked him away and Hidan compromised by plopping himself down on the couch next to her and sharing the popcorn (who would have thought that Hidan of all people was capable of compromise).

I pushed play on the remote and sat down next to Dessie to watch the movie. Sonia, Damon, my father, and my mother sat on the floor. Tobi did too and then grabbed Hannah by the waist and pulled her onto his lap, despite her protests. Leader and Konan shared the other couch and Kakuzu took the recliner. We all sat around excitedly at the first scene came up.

Silence, and then…

"Why are they all singing?" (This was Kisame)

"Because they feel like it," I said, trying to watch. "And because it's pretty."

"It sounds stupid," said Kisame.

"See!" shouted Hannah as she struggled against Tobi's iron-like grasp. "Kisame agrees with me! Mama Mia is the stupidest movie ever!"

"Tobi likes it!"

Hannah wrenched herself out of his arms and sprinted away. "Freedom!" And then she walked into Zetsu, and, as we all know, there's not freeing Hannah from Zetsu's trap.

After watching a few minutes of Hannah's attempts to get away from Zetsu, we all returned to watching the movie.

"Which one's her father?" asked Deidara excitedly (at least someone besides Tobi and me was enjoying the movie).

"It's a surprise," I told him. "That's what makes movies so fun."

"Hn…" (This was Itachi speaking)

"Why doesn't she just kill them all?" asked Hidan. "Jashin-sama would welcome their deaths."

"Warg would too," said Dessie appreciatively. "Want to know what would make this movie amazing? If she killed the three daddies and then Jashin came down to claim their bodies. But so does Warg. Then we have a super awesome mega showdown between gods."

"Which Jashin-sama would win," said Hidan.

"Warg would win," corrected Dessie. "Warg's a badass."

"Jashin could wipe the floor with your made-up god."

Dessie snorted. "Jashin can't touch Warg. Warg is ten times the god Jashin will ever be."

"What did you say, bitch!"

Five people turned around to glare at Hidan and Dessie. "SHHHH!"

Deidara threw some popcorn that their heads and Leader snapped, "Take your love nest somewhere else. Some of us are trying to watch!"

"More like make out with Konan!" shouted back Dessie.

"I'll pretend I didn't here that."

Dessie snickered.

"Her fiancé is so hot!" wailed Sonia suddenly. "Don't you think, Dessie?"

At this, Dessie replied smugly, "My boyfriend's hotter."

"Hidan?" asked Sonia.

"No!" cried Dessie indignantly. "Itachi! Hottie! I'm dating Hottie, remember?"

"Hidan's hot too," pointed out Sonia and she turned around to wink sensually at Hidan. I swear, Hidan shuddered fearfully.

"Hidan's about as hot as a baboon's ass," replied Dessie.

"Why don't you all shut up and let me watch the movie!" shouted Deidara angrily. "I want to see who's the bitch's dad and you're all yapping about how hot Hidan is! Whether he's a satanic sex god or a butt-ugly ogre – I don't care! One more word out of any of you and I will blow your ass to hell and back!"

"Hear! Hear!" shouted Damon.

Silence filled the room and everyone returned to the movie. A good twenty minutes passed by in dead silence while we watched and then, suddenly, from out of the dark Dessie screamed.

"What the hell are you doing, you pervert!"

"OW!"

Dessie leapt off the couch and Hidan tumbled to the floor clutching his stomach and coughing.

The lights flicked on and the movie passed as we all turned to see what was going on. Dessie stood above Hidan, her eyes flashing dangerously as he lay on the floor pitifully.

"Shit! It wasn't me…" gasped Hidan. "Kisame made me put my arm around you…"

Everyone turned to stare at Kisame who looked suspiciously innocent as he stood behind the couch where Hidan and Dessie had been sitting prior to the incident.

"The Love Guru never fails," said Kisame stubbornly.

"Fuck!" shouted Dessie and, before anyone could stop her, she punched the TV screen.

The screen cracked and shattered under the weight of her fist and her whole hand was stuck inside the broken screen. A few sparks flew, but nothing electrocuted her and she stood there, glowering at Kisame.

"I – am – dating – the – Hottie. Get – it – through – your – thick – skull – asshole."

Kisame opened his mouth to reply –

BANG!

"You bitches!" screamed Deidara, jumping up from his seat. "I didn't get to find out who her daddy is! I'm going to kill you all! I'm going to murder you!"

Dessie and Kisame screamed in unison and, before anyone could stop them, they ran out of the room and down the hall with Deidara chasing after them. Rule Number Thirty-Two: Don't let the Akatsuki watch chick flicks – Kisame likes to make up kinky scenes in the dark and Deidara gets too excited.

Now that the movie was brought to a sudden end, everyone else sat in silence, staring at the broken TV screen in horror. Then, slowly, Itachi got up from his seat, stretched and said, "It was a stupid movie anyways."

"Got that right," said Hannah, who had finally managed to untangle herself from Zetsu in the shock of the explosion.

Kakuzu nodded. "Who's up for some poker?"

"Oh, that sounds fun."

I sighed heavily and rose from my seat on the couch. "Remind me never to suggest movie night again."

"I told you so."

A/N: If you don't review Raymond will find you in the night and kill you with lame pickup lines that I found online!