Chapter Thirty-Three: Meet the Family

Rule Number Thirty-Three: Never take Deidara home to meet the family. He's not the type of guy parents like…

Hannah

"You know, we really don't have to do this!" I called out; hoping that by some miracle Dessie would turn the car around and drive us back home.

Not taking her eyes of the road like the good driver she is (Dessie wouldn't dare hurt her precious Maren), she said, "No, Hannah, we're going. We've been to my house, we've met Kate parents, and now we're going to meet yours. End of story. No arguing. No 'but's."

"But I don't need to see them," I said glumly. "They're the ones that moved an hour north of East Fell – obviously they don't want to see me. We can go home."

Dessie ignored me, which didn't surprise me one bit. Instead, the car ride continued in silence. I sat sandwiched in the back of the car between Itachi and Deidara, with Leader in the front next to Dessie. Leader seemed intent upon learning how to drive the automobile and he watched Dessie's every move carefully. Itachi was staring out the window quietly (as Itachi often does) and Deidara was busy making another clay sculpture.

"If you so much as make a scratch in Maren or any of my cars, I will not hesitate to kill you," Dessie warned Deidara.

He shrugged and continued working on what appeared to be a type of monkey

We were driving through the suburbs now, passing neatly trimmed houses in the early march weather. Dessie slowed the car to a halt as we reached one pale yellow house with a married couple working out in the yard. Slowly, I pressed my face to the window and stared at them silently.

"The woman looks like you," said Itachi stiffly.

"Only much older," added Deidara, peering over my shoulder. "Is that what you're going to look like in twenty years time?"

I ignored both of them and then, slowly, I grasped the handle of the car door and pushed it open. Itachi got out first and I slipped out of the car after him. My feet touched the fresh grass growing beside the road and I stared across the lawn at the two people working in the garden.

The woman, as Deidara said, looked like an older version of me with the same long, straight brown hair and brown eyes. She was wearing three-quarter length jeans and a blue tank-top, both smeared with dirt and grass. She paused in her work to wipe the dirt off her forehead – and then froze.

She stared at me. I stared back. Neither one of us wanted to be the first to move.

The man, who had been watering the flowers, now stopped his work. "Louisa? What are y–" He caught sight of me as well.

"Hannah!"

My mother dropped what she was doing and sprinted across the yard to fling her dirt-stained arms around my neck, tears streaming down her face.

"Hannah! Hannah!" she wailed. "Hannah!"

I patted my mother's arms awkwardly, glancing at Dessie. She grinned at me encouragingly. Leader and Deidara had exited the car as well and stood beside Itachi, watching my family reunion silently.

My father had sprinted inside the house and was calling out to my step-sister. The two of them emerged from the house and came to join my mother in the task of hugging me to death.

"Where have you been!" asked my mother, finally letting me go. "What happened?"

"Er…" I glanced around awkwardly and, much to my surprise, Dessie step forward to answer that question.

"We were kidnapped by – er – some crazy criminal organization," she explained with a glance at Leader. "Then the Akatsuki – a peaceful group – saved us and now we're back." Dessie smiled innocently.

My mother clutched my arm and stared at the Akatsuki members standing beside Dessie. "And who are they?"

"This is Leader," said Dessie, jerking a thumb in the direction of the orange-haired, punk-styled man who stood beside her. "He's in charge of the Akatsuki."

I realize that with all his gothic style, Leader probably did not look like the type of hero who would rescue teenage girls from insane criminal organizations – in fact, Leader looked more like the type to be in the insane criminal organizations… oh wait, he is…

"How do you do…Leader?" asked my mother awkwardly. "What's you name?"

Dessie and I glanced at one another and, for the first time, it occurred to me that I had no idea what Leader's real name was. Everyone just called him 'Leader'.

"Um…er…" Dessie glanced at Leader for help.

"Pein," he said. "My name is Pein."

"Urg…"

It would have been better if he'd simply said he didn't have a name. My mother looked ready to scream or barf or flee…or maybe all three at once.

"Anyways," said Dessie loudly. "This is Itachi."

There was something funny about how she said Itachi's name. There was none of the excited "Hottie" squeal to it, but more of a deep, pensive tone. And, if you know Dessie like I do, deep and pensive almost never describe her.

"And this," said Dessie, thumping the blond fur ball on the shoulder. "Is Deidara."

"Where's Kate?" asked my father.

"She's at home with the rest of the Akatsuki," explained Dessie hurriedly. "Doing touristy things… The Akatsuki aren't from around here, you know."

There was a pause. My step-sister, Johanna, was eyeing Itachi with curiosity, while my mother clutched my hand tightly and kept sending suspicious glances in the direction of Leader. Only my step-father, Eddie, seemed completely at ease.

"We were about to have lunch," he said happily to the Akatsuki. "Would you like to join us?"

So, we all filed inside and crowded around the table while my mother and father stumbled about the kitchen trying to find enough food for all of us. For several minutes, Itachi, Deidara, Leader, Dessie, Johanna, and I sat silently at the dining room table, unsure what to do or say. Then, Johanna decided to be the ice breaker.

"How old are you, Itachi?"

"Hn…"

"He's twenty-five," lied Dessie (we know for a fact that Itachi had just turned twenty-one).

"He can answer for himself," snapped Johanna irritably. Then she turned back to Itachi and said, "Where are you from?"

Thank Warg Itachi is not stupid. If it had been anyone else besides him, they would have answered truthfully. However, Itachi stared at Johanna for a long moment and then said dully, "Not from around here."

"And where is that?"

"No where you would know of."

Johanna frowned and Dessie snickered. I almost would have said that Itachi almost looked pleased with himself, but I knew Itachi better than that.

Johanna decided to turn her attentions to Deidara (the second hottie in the room) and asked, "So how old are you?"

"Nineteen," said Deidara before Dessie could stop him.

"Aren't you a little young to be a member of a peace group?" asked Johanna.

Deidara grinned and stuck his tongue out. "I'm a million years ahead of you, b–"

Before Deidara could finish his sentence, the door to the dining opened and my father came in carrying a huge plate of hotdogs and my mother followed with a bowl of salad. It took three more trips to get all the food and dressing and drinks onto the table; then, we all sat down to eat.

"So, Pein," said my mother. "What exactly does the Akatsuki organization do?"

"Get rich and aim for world domination," replied Leader boredly as he tried a hotdog. "Wow. What is in this ling, meaty piece of crap?"

"Meat and crap," said Dessie, grabbing her own hotdog. "It's amazing isn't it?"

Leader nodded excitedly. "We should have a hotdog party sometime."

"Remember what happened the last time we had a party," I reminded him.

My mother, however, had her mind still set on the Akatsuki. "World domination? Why do you want world domination?"

"Relax, Louisa," said my father as his dished up some salad. "He was kidding. I'm sure he doesn't like being drilled with questions all the time." Then, suddenly, he turned to face Dessie and asked, "So which one of the Akatsuki is the hottest?"

Dessie choked on her hotdog.

"Eddie!" gasped my mother. "They're all far too old for her!"

Dad shrugged. "Like that's ever stopped Dessie." And, while Dessie was recuperating from the hotdog, he asked me, "What about you, Hannah? Who's your boyfriend?"

"They're all freaks," I said dryly.

"Even your husband?" asked Leader, smirking.

Both my mother and father froze, turning to stare at Leader in surprise.

"What?"

"Didn't Hannah tell you?" asked Leader nonchalantly. "We all got drunk and then next morning woke up to find Hannah and Zetsu were married. No worries though, no one honors their marriage vows – except maybe Zetsu."

"He's kidding!" I cried out. "Kidding…"

"That's right," said Dad cheerfully. "Hannah's still at the stage where guys have cooties."

My mother looked less convinced.

"So," said Johanna, between bites of hotdog. "What exactly happened to you when you disappeared?"

And awkward silence filled the room as the unapproachable question was asked. Thankfully, Dessie was more than happy to answer that question for me.
"Some crazy-ass terrorists were on the run from the FBI," explained Dessie. "And they came into your old house and took us as bargaining chips. We went to their hideout in a secret location and they kept us there as prisoners for a while. Then, the Akatsuki came to save us – promoting peace all the way – and now we're back."

"Oh…"

"That's nice," said Dad.

We finished the last of the hotdogs in silence, and then, Leader rose from the table to stretch. He looked around at my family and said, rather grandly, "It was nice to meet you, Eddie, Louisa, Johanna – however, we must be going now."

"You're right," said Dessie, getting to her feet. "I don't trust the Akatsuki not to burn my house down."

Deidara, Itachi, and I rose from our places at the table and began to say our good-byes. Immediately, my mother grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down into my seat, crying, "Where are you going!"

"Back," I said.

"You're staying with us! You've been gone for so long! You can't leave! You can't!"

"Mom," I said steadily. "I have more important things to do right now." (like saving the world from the presence of the criminally insane Akatsuki)

"You're staying! You're not going anywhere with these freaks! You're staying with us and going to college and you'll have a happy, normal and safe life!"

I tried to break my mom's grasp, but she held on tight, her fingernails digging into my skin.

"Mrs. Louisa," said Dessie, trying to stop my mother. "We have to go…"

"You're not taking my daughter away from me again!"

BANG!

One moment we were having the usual mother-loves-daughter argument and then – with a fiery explosion that echoed throughout the halls of the house – Deidara let off his new bomb.

Rule Number Thirty-Three: Never, ever take Deidara to meet the family – parents don't like "bang"s.

My mother screamed and let go of me, trying to cover her face as the flames danced around her. Dad grabbed hold of Johanna and the two of them sprinted outside, trying to avoid the debris from the explosion. I opened my eyes and squinted through the flames to see Itachi carrying my mother out of the house with Leader and Dessie close behind. Deidara grabbed my wrist and dragged me outside onto the half-burn lawn that my parents had worked so hard on.

"Deidara!" I screamed, the moment we were outside. "You psychopathic pyromaniac!"

"What?" asked Deidara, equally as angry. "She wasn't letting go!"

"I could have dealt with it!"

My mother was screaming as she lay on the lawn. She sat up, thankfully not injured, and rounded on Deidara.

"You terrorist! You terrorist! You blew up my house! Hannah get away from him!"

"Art is a BANG!" shouted Deidara.

"No one's injured," said Dessie helpfully.

Deidara, my mother, and I whipped around to shout "SHUT UP!" at Dessie and then returned to our argument.

"I'm calling the cops!" screamed my mother. "You crazy terrorist, stay away from my Hannah!"

"Make me!" snapped Deidara and he pulled me into a rather violent embrace.

"You–"

We never got to find out exactly what my mother thought of Deidara, because at that moment the fire from Deidara's explosion met the gas stove and the house went Ka-boom!

"What the hell…" murmured Dessie

I stared.

A piece of the roof – or I thought it was the roof – was falling through the sky.

Down…

Down…

"Hannah, look out!"

Black.