Chapter Thirty-Four: Here We Go

Rule Number Thirty-Four: Sometimes there is no stopping the violent nature of the Akatsuki – just go along with it, or you might find your guts splattered on the floor instead of you enemies.

Dessie

All of us – the Akatsuki, Damon, Sonia, Kate, and me – crowded around Hannah's bed nervously. After she had been knocked unconscious by the debris from Deidara's explosion, Itachi had picked her up off the ground and carried her to the car. I swear Maren and I broke all speed limits on the way back to the mansion.

"There seems to be no major head trauma," said Kakuzu after he finished examining her skull (we figured after being able to successfully operate on himself and gain four extra hearts, Kakuzu was the only one close to being a doctor).

"She'll be alright though…" said Kate nervously.

"Probably."

"This is all Deidara's fault," muttered Damon angrily. "Did he have to blow up the house?"

"The stupid wench wasn't letting Hannah go," snapped Deidara. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Er… reason it out like a normal person!"

"Damon," Kate said. "This is the Akatsuki you're talking to – they aren't normal. In fact, I think it would be less normal if Deidara hadn't blown up the house…"

"There's nothing to do," said Kakuzu. "But wait."

Silence fell about the bed as we all turned to stare at Hannah. Tobi was weeping quietly in the corner:

"Tobi misses his nunu! Tobi wants his nunu back! Why won't nunu wake up!" His one visible eye rounded on Deidara and he wailed, "Why did Deidara-senpai hurt Hannah-Nunu!"

"Shut up, moron," snapped Deidara angrily.

Zetsu shifted uncomfortably and cornered expression across his face. I felt an unnatural wave of jealousy towards Hannah. If she didn't get through this, at least Hannah would die loved.

"Itachi," I said suddenly.

All heads turned to face me, including Itachi. As always, his beautiful face was stern and emotionless. I stared at him for a minute and then said, "Itachi, I want to break up."

…

Deidara: WHAT!

Itachi: Hn…

Kate: It's a lie!

Tobi: Tobi's proud of Dessie-Nunu!

Leader: I think I'm having hearing issues

Konan: I think we all are…

Kisame: Did the Love Guru fail?

Kakuzu: Shut up around the patient.

Hidan: Hell, yeah!

Zetsu: You were dating?

I chose to ignore them and carried on with my little break up speech. "Itachi, some times it feels as though I am the only one committed to this relationship and it causes me more heartbreak than I can bear with. Even though I still have feel for you and your face, I think it's best we go out separate ways."

Itachi shrugged. "Hn."

I scowled. "You could at least act a little heartbroken."

"This day doesn't make any sense," wailed Kate. "Dessie just broke up with a hottie – is the world coming to an end!"

Kisame patted her shoulder comfortingly. "It could be worse – Itachi could have actually cared."

"You're all idiots!" I shouted, slamming my fist against the bed post. "Is one of you at least feeling sorry for me! I just broke up with my boyfriend!"

"It's because of me, isn't it," said Hidan. "I do have to admit, I am incredibly awesome."

"Shut up, Zombie Whore."

"Hey! Everyone!" cried Deidara excited. "Hannah's awake!"

Immediately, all attention disappeared from my current break up as we all turned to stare at the bed. Hannah's brown eyes were now open and she stared up at the ceiling confusedly.

"W-where am I?" she asked.

"At my house," I told her. "How're you feeling?"

Hannah stared at me blankly. "Who are you?"

"Eh?"

Slowly, Hannah sat up in the bed and looked around the room at all the faces staring at her confusedly. "Who are all of you…?" Then, suddenly, her eyes caught on Deidara and, before anyone knew exactly what was going on; she threw her arms around his neck and wailed at the top of her lungs: "Dei-Dei!"

"What!"

Deidara looked as flabbergasted as the rest of us felt.

"What's going on here?" asked Leader. "Why are they touching? Since when does Hannah voluntarily touch Deidara? Isn't there usually a frying pan between them?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Hannah, her arms still fixed around Deidara's neck. "Deidara's mu hubby."

"EH?"

We all stared at the two of them – an extremely content looking Hannah and an extremely flustered Deidara.

"When did the two of you get married?" asked Kate carefully.

"Three years ago," said Hannah cheerfully. Then, suddenly she caught sight of Tobi and released Deidara to embrace Tobi warmly. "My baby!" she wailed and kissed the top of his head rather enthusiastically.

Tobi giggled and hugged her back. "Hannah-Nunu! Tobi loves you too!"

"Aren't you married to Deidara?" asked Konan.

"Of course!" cried Hannah, smiling indulgently at Tobi. "This is our son."

Silence.

"Whoa!" cried Deidara, pulling Hannah away from Tobi. "I can live with being your husband, but no way in hell are we having Tobi for a kid!"

"Don't say that in front of him!" shrieked Hannah, covering Tobi's ears. "Can you imagine the kind of mental damage that can do to someone his age? You ought to be a lot kinder to your sin, Dei-Dei!"

"He's not my son!" shouted Deidara angrily.

"You can always sell him," recommended Kakuzu.

"My poor baby…" cooed Hannah and she proceeded to pet Tobi's hair gently.

"This world isn't making any sense," cried Kate. "First, Dessie dumps Itachi – the original hottie – and now Hannah claims she's married to Deidara and Tobi's there son! I don't get it!"

Kisame patted her head. "Don't strain yourself to understand the incomprehensible."

"I feel bad for Zetsu though," said Konan thoughtfully. "Hannah completely forgot they were married."

We all turned to look at Zetsu, who, truth be told, seemed almost ready to cry. But before anyone could comfort the giant man-eating plant, the door of the room flew open and Ms. Wendy came rushing in. She glanced around at all of us, catching her breath, and then cried, "The cops are coming!"

"What?"

Ms. Wendy glanced at me and continued. "On the news… Hannah's parents keep ranting on about terrorist bombers with Dessie… and now cops are coming to the mansion – it's on the news!"

"This day just doesn't end…" muttered Itachi.

"Well," I said grimly. "No time to think. Deidara, grab your wife. Kate, Damon, and I will drive."

"Why can't I drive?" asked Sonia.

"Shut up," I snapped. "Damon, you'll take Roland – he can fit five so take Hannah and Deidara…Kisame and Itachi…"

"Tobi!" cried Hannah, reaching out her arms towards her "son".

"Fine…er…Hannah, Deidara, Kisame, and Tobi, then. Kate, you can drive Ajay, with Zetsu, Sonia, Leader, and Konan… And then I'll take Maren with Hidan, Kakuzu, and – er – Itachi…"

"Where are we going?" asked Damon confusedly.

"To Hannah's old house."

Have you ever been in a car with a psychotic doctor, your ex-boyfriend, and the guy who may-or-may-not like you with the cops chasing after you? If not, never try it. If so, you'll know what I mean when I say – it is hell. I would give anything to get out of this situation.

I was driving with Kakuzu in the front seat next to me. Hidan and Itachi were sitting in the back with Hidan screaming, "Ya-hoo!" at the top of his lungs every few seconds.

"Will you shut up already!" I screamed as we zoomed through a red light.

"But I'm having so much fun!" shouted Hidan. "Can we pull over?"

"The cops are after us, you moron!"

"I know! That's what makes it so much fun! Jashin-sama will be appeased with their blood running through the streets – Ya-hoo!" And then, much to my horror, Hidan discovered how to roll down the windows. He stuck his head outside the car and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Take that you pricks! You can never catch us in this baby! Go to hell all you bitches!"

I pressed the button on my door and watched as the automatic window rolled up on Hidan's head.

"What are you doing, bitch!" cried Hidan as the glass pushed against his throat.

"I told you to shut up, didn't I!"

"Bitch!"

"Shut up!"

I rolled down the window far enough for Hidan to pull his head back in and then I closed the window. We continued to drive in silence for a second and then, suddenly, both Hidan and I started cracking up with laughter.

"They're all insane…" muttered Kakuzu.

"Hn…"

We pulled into the driveway of Hannah's old house and leapt out of the car, not bothering to lock her. As we ran inside the house, I looked over my shoulder at the cops and screamed, "If you so much as get a scratch on any of my cars, I'll murder you all alive!"

Damon and Kate pulled their cars up into the driveway and sprinted into the house after the rest of us. The lights were out and we raced about, searching for the blue orb that would take us home. The door clicked as the cops entered the house and we all froze.

"Can I kill them?" asked Hidan.

"That's not recommended," I muttered.

Leader, however, took a different route. "Kill them all."

Kate buried her face in her hands and Hannah clung onto Deidara's sleeve, begging him not to.

"You might get hurt!" she wept.

"I'm a badass shinobi, wifey," snapped Deidara. "I can handle some puny policemen."

Hannah still looked unconvinced, but she let Deidara and Tobi go.

I grabbed hold of her and Kate's wrist and dragged them deeper into the house to find the blue orb, Damon and Sonia came chasing after us. Behind us, I heard the swish of a blade – good-bye cop number one…

Rule Number Thirty-Four: Sometimes there's not stopping the violent nature of the Akatsuki – just go along with it or you might find your guts splattered on the floor instead of your enemies.

The five of us found ourselves in backroom where we had been spending the night that time we had been transported to the Akatsuki hideout. We glanced around nervously and then began checking all the cupboards for the blue orb. A glimmer of light filled the room and we spun around to see, floating the far corner, an orb identical to the one Kate had found in the basement of the Akatsuki hideout.

"Get the Akatsuki," I commanded them. Sonia and Damon remained behind to keep and eye on the orb, while Kate, Hannah, and I raced back to get the Akatsuki.

We parted ways at the stairs, and I headed up, checking to make sure no one had wandered up there during the fights. Of course, someone had, and that someone just happened to be Itachi Uchiha.

"Itachi!" I screamed, trying to capture his attention.

Of course he didn't here me; he was too preoccupied with trying to avoid the cops' guns.

"Itachi!" I yelled again.

Still no response.

"Hottie!"

That got his attention. Itachi spun around and saw me, dodging yet another bullet just in time.

"Let's go!"

Without a single glance in the cops' direction, Itachi leapt over the railing and landed with a heavy thud on the first floor (of course, Itachi was far too cool for stairs). I raced after him and the two of us headed to the backroom where Kate and Hannah had already gathered the rest of the Akatsuki.

"Time to go?" asked Kakuzu.

"Yep."

"Here we go…" murmured Kisame as he leapt, head first into the blue orb.

"Me next!" cried Tobi excitedly as he followed Kisame.

Then went a grumbled Kakuzu… and Deidara and Hannah together (Hannah said she couldn't do it alone) followed by Zetsu who felt sworn to protect Hannah. Then Itachi jumped in, without a moment's hesitation, and after him, Leader and Konan. Damon and Sonia held hands and stepped inside the glowing light, which left Hidan, Kate, and I standing on the edge of the orb.

"See you on the other side," said Kate and she stepped in.

"Are you going to hold hands with me?" asked Hidan, grinning and offering me his hand.

"Shut the hell up, asshole," I said and pushed him in.

Then, with a glance over my shoulder at the chaos and bloodshed we left behind, I jumped after him.

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