Chapter Thirty-Five: Leader Malfunction

Rule Number Thirty-Five: Even Leader has his weaknesses.

Kate

Hello, dear readers, I haven't talked to you in awhile, so I will begin this chapter with a "hello and welcome to my head" – not that you'd want to be in my head right now. You see, currently, I have an ear-splitting headache from here to Jupiter (and that includes inter dimensional travel).

After jumping into the blue orb, everything went dark, and then, next thing I know, I am waking up with a hellish headache and lying on a familiar floor.

I sat up and looked around, only to realize that I was, in fact, back in the Akatsuki hideout. I was lying on the floor outside of Deidara and Tobi's room. Slowly, I got to my feet and staggered down the hallways looking for someone.

"Dessie? Hannah?" I called out tentatively. "Konan? Kisame?"

"Kate?"

My heart soared as I spun around to see another life form at the hideout. Kisame stood behind me, rubbing his forehead and looking around dizzily. Apparently I wasn't the only one with a massive headache.

"You got back too," I said.

"Mostly – I think I left part of my head back in your world."

I made a face. "Me too."

"What are all you idiots gabbing about?" asked Kakuzu irritably as he emerged from the bathroom.

"Needed to go pretty badly, huh," said Kisame, glancing back at the toilet behind Kakuzu.

"You sick prick," muttered Kakuzu. "The blue orb dumped me in there – where'd you end up?"

"Konan's bed," said Kisame cheerfully.

"Leader will be jealous…" I muttered.

The door from the kitchen opened and Leader stepped out, looking at us all confusedly. "Why am I jealous?"

"Kisame spent the night in Konan's bed," said Kakuzu, a little too cheerfully.

"Konan wasn't in it!" cried Kisame, covering his face.

"Where is Konan?" asked Leader nervously.

"We can go look," I said quickly. The four of us began searching throughout the hideout, but after awhile, we realized that Konan – or any of the others weren't to be seen.

The four of us regrouped back in the meeting room and, as we stood around the main table, Leader was in sorry shape. He was beginning to have a melt down, his hands were shaking violently and his face was deathly pale.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"O-okay?" stammered Leader, his right eye twitching a little. "Why w-w-wouldn't I b-b-be o-okay? Everything is j-j-just fine…"

"He's lost it," muttered Kakuzu so that Leader couldn't hear him.

"It just means that the orb dumped everyone else in different parts of the world," I explained soothingly. "Nothing severe, I'm sure."

Leader's eye stop twitching at least, but now his leg began shaking violently and his foot thumped against the floor in a nervous heartbeat.

"This is kind of funny," said Kisame.

"Shut up," I snapped, hitting him, rather lightly, on the shoulder.

"You call that a hit?" said Kisame with a laugh. "How are you friends with Dessie if that's as hard as you can hit?"

"That's the point," I murmured. "With Dessie around, I don't need to know how to hit hard."

"F-f-f-focus," stammered Leader. "W-w-we have a s-s-situation on our hands…" His mouth started jerking up at the corners in a sort of sick grimace – then his eyes twitch again and I couldn't help but think that a man in a straight jacket was more mentally stable than Leader at the moment.

"This is getting us no where," said Kakuzu. "I don't see why we need to find the other at all – losing them really is no big loss."

"I think losing Konan is a big loss," I muttered, glancing in Leader's direction. "And I don't think it's nice to inflict people like Dessie on the world."

"That is true," said Kisame thoughtfully. "Or Hidan…or Deidara…or Tobi – I feel sorry for the poor sap that wakes up to find Tobi on the doormat – or any of the Akatsuki for that matter."

"It'd be amusing though," said Kakuzu thoughfully.

"C-c-can w-w-we get back to d-d-discussing f-f-f-finding them?" stammered Leader.

Any replies of ours were interrupted by the sound of a door opening. We all turned in the direction of the main entrance to the hideout and listened to echo of footsteps through the halls.

"Maybe it's Konan," I told Leader encouragingly.

"Or maybe it's Tobi," muttered Kakuzu.

"Or maybe it's an Akatsuki enemy come to kill us all," added Kisame rather cheerfully.

The door of the Meeting Room slid open and we all head our breath, wondering who it could be. Then, the black-haired, red-eyed Itachi Uchiha stepped into the room and looked around with a bored expression plastered across his face.

"Hey, Itachi," said Kisame, slinging an arm around Itachi's shoulders. "Good to have you back – we were worried you'd be Tobi or someone just as awful."

"Hn…"

"K-K-K-K…" stammered Leader weakly. He drooped over the table and lay there, his arms splayed about his head in a desperate position.

Itachi eyed Leader confusedly and Kakuzu quickly filled him in. "We don't know where Konan is, so Leader's having a little malfunction at the moment."

"Hn."

"Why don't we go find everyone?" I asked, patting Leader's head gently. "They can't have gone too far and the Akatsuki are hardly…inconspicuous."

"Y-y-y-yes…" Leader was deflating very slowly as I patted his head.

"We should split up into two groups…" said Kisame. "Itachi and…"

"I want Itachi," said Kakuzu, grabbing hold of Itachi's arm. He eyed the whimpering form of Leader reproachfully and then added, "Kisame and Kate can go with Leader."

"Cheater," muttered Kisame, but he agreed.

So, half an hour later, Kisame and I departed, carrying the malfunctioning Leader on our shoulders since it seemed that now he was incapable of walking without the presence of Konan nearby. Rule Number Thirty-Five: Never separate Leader and Konan – even Leader has his weaknesses.

After about a day of walking and piggy-backing Leader, Kisame collapsed at a nearby inn declaring that he couldn't carry Leader another step. So, we paid for room-and-board for a night at the inn (good thing Kakuzu wasn't here) and, around dinner time, we headed down to the restaurant.

"Where do you think they'll be?" asked Kisame. "Land of Fire? Land of Water? Land of Sound? Land of Earth? Land of Lightning?"

"What about Konoha?" I asked. "That seems like a reasonable place to start…"

"You're just saying that because it's the only place you know…"

I shrugged. "Do we have any where else to begin?"

"No…"

"Then let's start there."

Kisame grinned, but his reply was cut short with the arrival of our waitress.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked sweetly. "Water? Sake?"

"Sake!" cried Kisame excitedly. "For all three of us!" He thumped Leader on the back and added, "This guy could use a pick-me-up."

"Girlfriend issues?" asked the waitress understandingly.

"She's n-n-not my g-g-girlfriend," stammered Leader, but everyone chose to ignore him. The waitress left to get some sake and soon she returned with multiple bottles.

"Have fun boys – and girl," she added the last part with a wink in my direction. And then, she left.

Kisame handed both Leader and me a bottle each and then he proceeded to chug down his. Leader seemed just as willing to indulge himself and soon, I found myself drinking deeply too. After only the first bottle, I began to feel a little light headed, and just as I finished my first, Kisame finished his second.

"This is the stuff," said Kisame cheerfully. He glanced at me and grinned. "You don't get drunk much, Katie."

"Kate," I corrected him. "And no, I don't. Dessie planned to go to wild parties and get drunk often once we were in college, but, of course, we never made it to college…"

"Blaaaaaaaaah," said Kisame, sticking his tongue out me and going for another bottle of sake. "School is for dummies. Become badass like me and you'll never have to go to school again."

I took a sip of my second bottle and said, "I'd fail at being badass."

"It's not hard," said Kisame between gulps of sake. "You just have to make a face and go – GRRRRRR!" Kisame growled at me and – to his credit – he looked quite terrifying. "Now you try it."

After a hesitant pause, I took a long gulp of sake and then screwed up my face and growled. "Grrrrrrr!"

Kisame laughed.

"Was it that bad?" I asked. "I thought I did pretty good."

"Pull your lips back more," explained Kisame and he demonstrated, revealing all of his pointy-shark teeth. "And then keep your eyes open – more menace that way – and go GRRRRRR!"

"Grrrrr!"

He laughed even harder this time. "No good… no good… I guess you're just too cute and harmless to be a scary badass criminal. Maybe school is the best option for you after all."

I took another swing of alcohol and said, rather grumpily, "I could be badass if I tried."

"Nope," said Kisame, shaking his head.

"Dessie and Hannah are badasses – why can't I be one?"

"Dessie is the Violent Stalker Bitch Badass and Hannah is the Ice Cold Badass – you, you're just cute." And suddenly, without warning, Kisame spread out his arms and enveloped me in a warm, but somewhat fishy, hug. "Like a fluffy teddy bear!"

Just then, the waitress walked by carrying several bottles of sake. Kisame let go of me, allowing me to drop, butt-first, onto the floor. He chased after her, begging for more sake. I got up, rubbing my wounded ass, and sat back down to turn my attention to the very, very drunk Leader.

"How're you holding up?" I asked him.

Leader looked at me through drowsy eyes and said, "You know, I always liked you best out of the three…"

"Really?" I asked. "I always thought everyone liked Hannah and Dessie better."

"They do."

"Oh… That's really comforting…" I mumbled.

"But I like you best – and so does Konan. She thinks you're cute…"

"People seem to say that about me a lot when they're drunk…" I glanced over at Kisame, who was now chasing after pretty women trying to peek up their skirts. "Dear Warg, he's a pervert…"

"Konan!" wailed Leader, completely unaware of what Kisame was doing. "My darling, beautiful Konan… Where could she be… Oh where could she be…?" Leader caught sight of me and reached across the table to grab hold of me by the shirt collar. He lifted me off the ground and practically hauled me across the table until my face was inches from his. "Do you know where my precious Konan is! Do you! Tell me!"

"What do you think you're doing to my teddy bear?"

Kisame appeared behind Leader, his blue-face looking rather deadly at the moment.

"Where is my Konan?" asked Leader angrily, round on Kisame. "Do you know! Where is she!"

SLAM!

Kisame grabbed hold of the back of leader's neck and slammed Leader's head against the table top. Leader's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he toppled to the floor and fell asleep. A think drip of blood trickled down Leader's forehead.

"Er…is he okay?" I asked.

"He's fine," said Kisame casually. He sat down on the table top next to me and surveyed the room somberly. "In the Akatsuki things like that are child's play."

"Of course…" I glanced around nervously. "You like being in the Akatsuki…"

Kisame grinned. "Obviously." He leaned towards me, still smirking maliciously. "When you're a badass criminal, no one cares when you do perverted things – because you're already evil."

"Perverted…things…?"

Kisame nodded. "I can even chase after much younger girls and no one will care."

I slid off the table and started edging away from Kisame. "What are you saying?"

Kisame hopped off the table too and started following me around the room. He raised his two hands above his head and made little talking mouths with them. "I'm hungry, little girl. Nom! Nom! Nom! Nom!"

I screamed and ran away. Unfortunately for me, Kisame thought it'd be funny to chase after me, and the two of us sprinted around the restaurant, knocking over trays and table in the desperate chase. Finally, the chase ended when the waitress grabbed a broom out of the cupboard and whacked Kisame over the head with it. He collapsed on the floor next to Leader and the waitress and I stood over their bodies gasping for breath.

"Well," she said. "I have to admit. You are some of the most entertaining drunks I have ever seen."

"Great…"