Chapter Thirty-Seven: Love Pentagon

Rule Number Thirty-Seven: Don't have weird dreams about the Akatsuki

Dessie

I had a dream. A dream that I fell down a hole while chasing after a white rabbit… The rabbit kept calling out to me as I fell, and then, suddenly, we hit the ground and the rabbit was off running again. I chased after it through a foreign land and then, as we approached a fork in the road, the rabbit looked back at me and I saw that it was wearing an orange spiral mask.

"Run faster, my little nunu!" cried the rabbit. "Run faster!"

Then, he disappeared and was replaced by a pink-and-purple striped version of Kisame. Kisame stared at me for a moment, and then a wide grin spread across his face so that I could see every single one of his pointy white teeth.

"What do you think you're grinning at?" I asked darkly.

"Follow me!" cried Kisame and he spun around and started sprinting up the right side of the fork in the road, a pink-and-purple striped tail bouncing along behind him.

"This is just too weird," I murmured and then followed after him.

Kisame led me on a wild goose chase until, finally, we approached a large, red-colored mansion rising from the ground between two hills. The walls of the mansion were crooked and it leant a little to the right, with tall spires leaning slightly over, as if collapsing under some unseen weight.

"Where are we?" I asked and then, as I looked around, I realized that Kisame was no longer to be found. "People come and go in the strangest ways here."

"Halt! Who goes there?"

I turned to see Kakuzu, dressed in a red and white suit, standing in front of the mansion gates. He was glowering at me, his eyes barely visible through the visor of an old-fashioned medieval knights' helmet.

"Er – who are you?" I asked.

"The question is – who are you?"

"I asked first!" I snapped irritably. "You should answer first."

"And who says I have to answer first?" asked Kakuzu. "Maybe I don't feel like answering first today."

"I say you have to answer first," I snapped. "And since my name is Dessie and I'm awesome, you have to listen."

"You just introduced yourself," pointed out Kakuzu.

"No I didn't."

He ignored me. "The Queen is expecting you. Right this way."

He led me along a winding path made up of red bricks through the garden in front of the mansion. The path seemed to stretch on forever, despite the fact at the mansion seemed quite close. Then, suddenly, Kakuzu disappeared and I found myself standing at the head of a long, skinny table filled with tea cups and saucers.

"What the hell…" I murmured.

"You're late!"

Deidara sprung up from the end of the table and pointed a shaky finger at me. He was dressed rather shabbily in a cut-up old suit and tattered top hat. Is entire body was trembling violently (probably from caffeine overload) and he said again, "You're late!"

"On the contrary, she's early." Zetsu sat beside Deidara, sipping his tea through a straw (he had no hands to hold the saucer with).

"She's late," repeated Deidara stubbornly. "She's late! She's late! She's late for a very important date!"

"Hn…" Itachi (HOTTIE!) sipped his tea and scowled at the whole situation in front of him.

"Don't you 'hn' me!" shouted Deidara, and he dumped and entire pot of tea over Itachi's head. "ART IS A BANG!" And suddenly, everyone got up and moved to a different place in the table the moment they sat down, the places where they had been sitting previously exploded, smoke billowing towards the sky as flames dances wildly.

"What the hell! What is going on here?" I asked confusedly. "Why am I late? What to?"

"You're early."

"You're late!"

"Hn…"

I stared around the table at Deidara, Itachi, and Zetsu. Finally, I threw my hands up into the air in reassignment and said, "You're all idiots. Where am I going to now?"

"You're late!" shouted Deidara yet again. "Follow the red-brick road to the mansion! Hurry! Run! Or art will catch up to you!"

And, with one glance at the Hottie, I sprinted off down the road towards the mansion before Deidara could decide to blow me up again. Surprisingly, it took me a matter of minutes to reach the door of the mansion, and when I got there, Konan stood at the entry way clad in a long red dress, watching me solemnly.

"What are you doing?" I asked her, slowing to a walk.

"You're late," she replied stiffly.

"Late to what?"

Konan said nothing, but she turned around and with a wave of her hands, the door of the mansion opened. She led me inside and down a series of corridors until we entered a large room decorated with red and white patterns with hearts stamped over everything. On the far side of the room, in a gold-backed chair, sat Leader with a gold crown perched atop his head.

"Your majesty," said Konan and she curtsied delicately.

"This is bullshit…" I muttered. "If you expect me to bow to Leader, you've got a whole other thing coming."

"You ought to bow to the Queen of Hearts," said Konan gravely.

"He's a dude – not a queen."

Ignoring my statement, Leader rose from his seat and stared at me darkly. Now that he was standing, I realized that he was, in fact, wearing a long white and red dress that fell to his ankles. Leader, however, acted as though this was nothing out of the norm and he said, "You're late."

"Why does everybody keep saying that!"

Leader didn't tell me. Instead, he raised his hands to eye-level and clapped them.

The sound rung through the throne room and then, suddenly, I found myself standing in the middle of a church wearing a long, white wedding gown, with a thin veil draped over my face and a bouquet of red roses clutched in my hands.

"What is going on here!" I asked. "I'm late for a wedding!"

"Not just any wedding," said an all-too-familiar voice beside me. "Ours."

Slowly, and filled with horror, I turned to see Orochimaru standing beside me in a classic tuxedo. He smiled his usual, ugly, perverted smile and held out a hand to me. "Shall we get married now?"

And then, out of nowhere, Hidan came flying on to the seen. He kicked Orochimaru in the jaw and Orochimaru fell to the floor with a heavy thud. Then, shirtless and with a jashinist symbol dangling across his chest, Hidan turned to me and said:

"Come on, baby, let's get hitched."

I woke up screaming.

"Shut the hell up, bitch! You're going to break my eardrums!"

I twisted my head around to see Hidan glaring at me angrily, his face only inches away from mine.

I screamed some more. Rule Number Thirty-Seven: Don't have weird dreams about the Akatsuki – it will scar you for life.

Now, to give you, wonderful readers, a full grasp of the situation: I had been dreaming (thank Warg) about going down the rabbit hole and marrying Orochimaru and then Hidan. In fact, I was currently tied to the base of a tree in between Hidan and Zetsu, with Damon to Zetsu's right. The four of us had been tied there by Team Hebi, which, as far as I can figure, was formed by Sasuke after he killed Orochimaru (I celebrate this fact).

Actually, being tied to the base of a tree wasn't too bad either. I spent most of the time there staring at Sasuke and Suigetsu as they went about their work (I might have drooled as well, can't be sure).

Damon, too, found his vision quite occupied. A red haired girl named Karin was also a member of Sasuke's team. She strutted around the campsite with a revealed stomach and short-shorts, smiling flirtatiously at Sasuke (the whore).

"She's beautiful!" wailed Damon, grinning at Karin excitedly. "You don't find high quality bodies like that anymore!"

"What about Jessica?" I asked.

"We broke up," said Damon with a shrug.

"What! When!"

"Before you girls came back…"

I glared at him. "Why didn't you tell me!"

"What does it matter?" asked Damon. "As a hot single guy I can draw in chicks with ease – babe's like this are fair game to me, Dessie."

"Asshole," I muttered.

Then suddenly, Suigetsu made his was across the campsite towards where the four of us sat, tied to the base of the tree. With his snow-white hair and glowing purple eyes, I could only find two words to describe Suigetsu with–

"Snow Hottie!"

"Shut up, bitch!" shouted Hidan angrily. "You already broke up with Itachi – don't go chasing after some other guy so soon!"

"But he's so gorgeous!" I wailed, struggling against the ropes that tied me to the tree. The overwhelming urge to hug/kiss/rape Suigetsu was being smothered by these ropes.

"You're right, Sasuke," said Suigetsu thoughtfully. "She is kind of scary."

Sasuke and Juugo (another member of Team Hebi) stepped out from behind another tree and approached us slowly, his expression guarded as he gazed down at me. "She is a formidable adversary, but one easily overcome if you know how to deal with her."

"She isn't a shinobi," said Suigetsu.

"No." Then, Sasuke turned to regard the four of us and he said, icily, "Tell me where Itachi is."

"Itachi?" Damon asked confusedly. "You mean Dessie's ex? Do you have a grudge against him?"

"They're brothers," I explained. "Original Hottie killed off the entire family except Mini-Hottie, and now Mini-Hottie is out for revenge."

"Oh…" Damon turned to regard Sasuke thoughtfully and then, after a pensive moment, Damon said, "Well that's stupid."

"Shut up!" shouted Sasuke angrily. "Tell me where Itachi is!"

"I'll tell you!" I cried.

Everyone turned to stare at me. Even Sasuke, in all his hotness, looked surprised. He stared at me suspiciously for a moment and then said, in that deep, sexy voice of his, "Where is Itachi?"

"I'll tell you," I said slyly. "But first you have to kiss me."

Reactions went a little something like this…

Sasuke: What? Hell no!

Suigetsu: Man, she knows how to bargain!

Karin: Not my Sasuke!

Damon: You want to try it too, baby?

Hidan: If you kill her I will sacrifice you to Jashin-sama and you shall spend eternity in eternal torment with the fiery demons of Jashin-sama feasting – ever so slowly – on you flesh! They will relish your suffering and wit hit will come the suffering of you family, who Jashin-sama will find in the afterlife and torture until their faces melt off while you watch and cry! Jashin-sama will have his revenge!

Everyone stared at Hidan blankly.

"Man," said Suigetsu. "Aren't you a little over the top?"

I ignored Hidan's ranting and turned to Sasuke with a grin. "So how about it, all it takes is one little kiss and I'll tell you where Itahci is."

Sasuke hesitated for a split second and then bent over and gave me a quick peck on the lips. He pulled away quickly and wiped off his mouth. "Not tell me where Itachi is."

"Well…" I said. "He's in this dimension!"

"What!" Sasuke was practically spitting with rage. "Where is he! You said you'd tell me! 'In this dimension' is not specific enough information!"

"You didn't ask for more specific," I pointed out. "Besides, I love you!"

"What!" cried Hidan. "Bullshit!"

Wait a second!" cried Damon excitedly. "Hidan loves Dessie–"

"I do not!" shouted Hidan angrily.

"Listen!" exclaimed Damon impatiently. "Hidan loves Dessie, but Dessie loves Sasuke. Karin also likes Sasuke, but he doesn't like either of them. And then I like Karin…It's a love pentagon!"

Everyone gawped at Damon in horror, unable to comprehend the words he was saying.

"Can eat Juugo?" asked Zetsu abruptly.

Juugo backed away until he was hiding behind Suigetsu. "Please don't let him eat me…"

"And Zetsu wants to eat Juugo," cried Damon. "The plot thickens!"