VI. Scars
***TRIGGER WARNING. This chapter contains themes of emotional and verbal abuse. If this triggers you and you choose to continue, please proceed with caution. You have been warned. ***
Diana woke up the next morning looking at the soft colors that bathed the room. She noticed that Hannah and Barbara were still asleep in their beds. She thought back to the events of yesterday and it all seemed surreal. Like it was just a bad dream and Akko wasn't going to the ball with Andrew afterall. Then, Diana remembered what Amanda said, groaned, and held her head with both hands. Amanda knew about her plans and was expecting her to follow through. Diana massaged her temples, another great reason to stress about Friday. Speaking of which what day was it? Wednesday. Shit.
Murmuring came from the other side of the room. Diana looked over and saw Hannah waking up Barbara. Their conversation made Diana smile.
"Barb, wake up! Diana's still not here, we fell asleep." Hannah said in a tired voice.
"Dsfrf. What? We stayed up so late. Are you sure she's not here and we just don't remember her coming back?
"I'm right here. No need to tucker yourselves out." Diana said.
Hannah and Barbara gathered themselves up, both of them with bed wrangled hair stood before Diana with hesitation.
Diana who was getting ready for the day, currently brushing her hair, was suddenly aware of their stares.
"Do you two have something to say or are you just going to stare at me and be late for class?" Diana said opening their closet to find a new uniform to wear.
"Diana, what was going on last night?" Asked Barbara concerned.
"Yeah, you took chocolates and flowers to your tutoring session with Akko. So… do you like her?" Asked Hannah with unease on her face.
Diana paused and straighten her collar turning around.
"You're mistaken, those flowers were not for Akko, neither were the chocolates. Must you two insist on analyzing my every action?" Diana asked in true Diana fashion.
Hannah and Barbara reluctantly finished getting ready for class. Locking the door behind them, Diana lead the way to first period as always. She knew how to wear a mask of refinement and confident indifference, she could wear it all day long, but this time Hannah and Barbara weren't buying it.
Hannah with narrowed eyes and with a frown at Diana looked Barbara. Barbara looked at Hannah but was crestfallen, and looked away. Hannah looked away directing her anger elsewhere. They both knew Diana threw up walls when they were close to exposing a painful truth. They had just never figured out how to break through them. Hannah however, wasn't going to give up.
Diana got through her first period with ease and by second she was skating through. She knew how to play the game and she wasn't going to take her eyes off the goal. It was Wednesday she just had to get through it, Thursday pick up the suit and Friday go to the ball. It was painful when Akko arrived late for class and Diana was reminded of last night. As a reaction, Diana made a point of minimizing her contact with Akko. Akko didn't try to talk to her but Diana was still prepared to escape an interaction. She was crafty like that.
The one thing Diana was not expecting was professor Ursula interrupting class.
"Forgive me, professor Finnelian. Diana, you're needed in the headmaster's office."
Diana rose with indifference but internally she was shaking. What could they possibly want? And why now? Walking down the hallway, professor Ursula was quiet and it left Diana guessing. They were soon at the door of the office and Diana opened the door herself. That was who she was and who she wanted to be. A person who faces their fears and obstacles no matter the cost. Diana refused to lose face because of fear.
Diana instantly felt sick because her worst fears were actualized. Her Aunt Daryl stood before her with a disapproving look aimed at Diana. Diana squared up to her.
"Aunt Daryl. I wasn't expecting to see you until this Friday's ball. I hear we are making a sizeable donation to Luna Nova." Diana said matter a factly.
"While that is true, that's not the reason why I'm here. I need to talk to you about more important matters." Daryl said with the same disapproving look on her face.
Diana looked for a way out of this situation but desperately took the only one she could think of.
"More important than my education? And you're always the one saying that I shouldn't distract myself with other people's problems." Said Diana tactfully.
Aunt Daryl chuckled at Diana's weak attempt to turn the conversation. Diana's heart faltered.
"Nice try Diana but as your legal guardian I can pull you out of school when ever I deem necessary. You seem to forget that I can control a lot of things, I maybe it's due time that I… remind you of that." Daryl threatened.
Diana gave up on attempting to escape this situation. Since she was a child she had been scared of Aunt Daryl. Diana saved herself from falling into a pit of painful memories and surrendered to Daryl.
"Very well, this had better be worth my missed attendance." Said Diana in a toned down voice that was missing its usual superiority.
"Good, professor Ursula is there a place for me and my niece to continue this sensitive conversation."
Professor Ursula, been standing there the whole time most uncomfortably, met Daryl's look. "O-of course, right this way."
Diana was scared but she was determined to evade Aunt Daryl's attempts to shame her into submission. Painful memories awaited Diana as she followed the two adults down the hallway. Professor Ursula lead them to an empty conference room and opened the door for Aunt Daryl to step inside. As Diana stepped into the room she heard the professor quickly and quietly walk away, eager to be away from the cloud of tension created by Daryl.
Once Aunt Daryl shut the double doors with a loud snap, Diana was thrown into the fire that was her Aunt's twisted, cruel fury. Daryl whipped around and started all of the verbal shaming that Diana hated.
"I don't know what you think you're trying to pull but it ends here Diana."
"I don't know what you are referring to. I've been keeping up with my studies and reputation as always -"
"Hahahaha." Daryl laughed openly. Diana shrank back.
"How gullible do you think I am?! I know all about your two little visits to that men's clothing store in town. As I've said, I'm here to put a stop to this once and for all, one way or another."
Diana was dancing on hot coals and as she often did, she thought on her feet.
"I was there with the intention to-" Diana started but was interrupted.
"To what? Buy a suit for yourself? I know you better than you think. You should be ashamed of yourself Diana. To think that your mother and I raised you better than that. You are a Cavendish, people gossip about these things and then it reaches my ears at a social dinner with the CEO of a newspaper company as a joke. A joke, Diana! That's what people think of you."
Dammit, Diana wanted to face palm herself. Frank, fucking Frank, his father ran the Insider Times. He had seen her both times at the store. That son of -.
"Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself Diana?"
Diana's mask was starting to crack. She couldn't think of a good response besides running away from the situation but that wouldn't work with Aunt Daryl.
"It was just something I wanted to… I was going to pay for it myself." Diana said bitterly.
"This has gone too far Diana. These wants and desires that you claim are natural. Do I have to remind you of all the other times. All those magazines that the maid found in your room, that sleepover that I had to pick you up from because you-"
"I KNOW!" Diana yelled tears welling up in her eyes.
She knew the whole story of her failure to be like other girls. They were adult magazines that she had managed to steal from a store with some slight of hand. If only she had remembered to hide them that one afternoon. She had thought about kissing and doing all sorts of things to those girls in its pages. That sleepover with some girls from her school, they had been playing truth or dare. Hannah through up a dare that she thought Diana wouldn't try, but she was wrong. Diana kissed the girl on her left on the lips, to Hannah, Barbara and everyone's shock. It resulted in Diana leaving early and Daryl avoiding a fight with that girl's mother.
Diana's tears finally fell. She hated herself for not being able to tear that part of herself out and throw it away. Everytime something like this happened Daryl and her two cousins were always there to remind her that people would ridicule her if they found out the reason behind why she acted the way she did. She had feelings for other girls, the type that she was supposed to have for boys. She liked girls and wanted to dress and express herself in a masculine way. Those were the two sins that were etched into Diana's personhood that she couldn't get rid of no matter how hard she tried. Everytime she had gone to a counselor because Aunt Daryl wanted Diana to work this deviance out of her system.
The painful memories washed over Diana like a tidal wave. The mask crumpled off and Diana cried with her head hung. Daryl stood there with her arms crossed and silent for a few moments.
"I know, I'm trying to get it all under control. I-I can do it, I just need a little more time." Diana said halting her tears.
Daryl looked at her harshly and Diana looked up at her pleadingly.
"I think this suit incident proves otherwise. That you are slipping backwards. It's a shame, I be taught you so much, Diana." Daryl said musingly. "How to be strong, how to exercise you superior birthright over the lesser, but I won't let you continue this way. Unless you prove at the ball this Friday that I am wrong, you are going to start seeing Doctor Klien again."
Diana felt her body go cold and her face grow white. She had tried to suppress those meetings but she remembered them. All of the mind bending and directing all of the blame and responsibility on her. One instance that echoed through her mind was the crux of her pain and the cycle of self-punishment.
Doctor Klein had brainwashed into her mind:
"You are only the way you are because you let yourself stumble. You are weak and indulgent. If you attack every and stamp out every sinful desire you have, one day you all be straight."
Diana hated it. There were so many scars that she bore, but to review the footage of every one of them would break her. She was all ready a crying mess.
"I won't. I'll prove it. You'll see that I'm better." Diana said slipping back into a form of what can only be described as catonic self-loathing gay panic. She wanted to wear the suit and scoop Akko away from Andrew but the cycle of fear and self-punishment took over when her Aunt was present.
Aunt Daryl eyed Diana as she walked toward the double doors slowly. Diana turned to watch her go. Once Aunt Daryl was at the door, she looked back at Diana and smiled.
"Good. Then I will see you this Friday evening and I don't expect to be disappointed." With that Aunt Daryl left the room leaving Diana.
Diana collapsed in one of the chairs in the room and sobbed. This was all so fucking hard. She hated all of the painful memories and reminders of her failing. She only had one day after today, and she had to pick up the suit. Why did she always feel so weak and ashamed in front of her Aunt, how could she sap of Diana's strength away with words?
Diana was conflicted. Which did she want to chose? The life of pain, self-denial and crushing expectations that she had always known? Or the life of wearing what she wanted, loving who and what she wanted? Diana chose the second one but felt the weight of that choice. She knew the risks, but it scared her that she didn't know the full depth that she could lose. But it had to be worth it, a life of flight was better than a life chained. She had to believe that. Diana sat there crushed under the weight of her choice, sobbing for a long time.