Chapter Thirty-Eight: The Green Youth

Rule Number Thirty-Eight: Don't make Leader any angrier than necessary – it results in mangled corpses and other equally gruesome sights that will scar you for life and make you vomit the entire contents of you stomach.

Kate

"S-s-so this is K-K-K-Konoha…"

Kisame, Leader, and I stood at the edge of the city and looked up at the towering walls of the village. Shinobi patrolled the entrances making sure that no enemies snuck in. Thankfully, Leader and Kisame were still dressed in the jeans and t-shirts bought in my world, so their Akatsuki origins were almost unrecognizable.

"You think one of them might be in there?" I asked nervously. "Because otherwise bringing you and Leader here is like begging for death…"

"We'll be fine," said Kisame cheerfully. "Besides the portal probably dumped someone here just to spite us."

"You think K-K-Konan might b-b-be h-h-here?" asked Leader.

"She might," I said gently.

"Gai-sensei! Look what youthful beings have wandered into Konoha today!"

My entire body froze as I turned to see who had shouted out. A boy, about the same age as me, stood a couple meters away. The sight of him was enough to scar me forever. He had thivk, bushy eyebrows and a frightful bowl cut and – much to my horror – a bright-green spandex suit.

"Dear Warg…" murmured Kisame. "My eyes – they burn!"

Suddenly, a larger man who looked like a grown up version of the spandex kid came charging through the forest. "What is it Lee? Where are the youthful people?"

Lee (the spandex kid) pointed at us.

"I know you!" shouted Kisame, suddenly pointing at Gai.

"You do?" I asked, surprised.

Gai squinted at Kisame and then, after a minute, he said, "Are you sure you don't have me mistaken for someone else?"

"No!" shouted Kisame angrily. "I know exactly who you are!"

"Didn't we fight him awhile back?" asked Tenten thoughtfully.

Neji stared from Gai to Kisame and back again, before saying in a deep, prophetic voice, "It was destiny that you two meet again."

"Our youth has brought us together once more!" shouted Gai loudly while Lee nodded enthusiastically in the background. "May we forever battle in our youth amongst the green trees of Konoha!"

Leader cowered behind me and muttered, "The g-g-green man who wears t-t-tight clothes scares m-m-me."

"Oh…" I groaned.

"Is he afraid?" asked Lee as he caught sight of the terrified Leader.

"He's been having a rough time," I explained quickly. "His girlfriend's gone missing."

"His youthful spirit needs strengthening then!" cried Lee.

This caught Gai's attention and he came to stand beside Lee and stared at the petrified form of Leader. Leader scuttled around me, making sure that I was between him and the spandex-wearing-freaks at all times. Frankly, I have to say the whole scene was rather pathetic (not that I'd ever tell Leader that).

Gai grabbed Leader by the arm and pulled the stammering leader out from behind me. Lee clapped an arm around Leader's shoulder and cried excitedly, "Don't worry, Leader-san! We will help you grow stronger – with the power of youth!"

"P-p-please don't…" Leader stuttered.

But, of course, it was too late. Gai and Lee dragged Leader away for a "youthful" one-hundred laps around Konoha. As I watched the three of them disappear, I almost felt a wave of pity for Leader – then, I remembered how he got drunk and tried to threaten me for information about Konan; the pity disappeared real quickly.

"Should we do something about that?" Tenten asked Kisame curiously.

Kisame shrugged. "It'll do Leader some good. He acts like an old man most of the time – he should have some youth forced into him."

"We should get on to Konoha," I said. "We'll return for Leader when we're done there."

"Who knows," said Kisame wickedly. "It could be days…"

"Kisame!" I cried. "Don't be intentionally cruel!"

"I'm an S-rank criminal," said Kisame cheerfully. "I'm allowed to be cruel – but only on days ending in a 'y'."

I stopped to think about this. "But every day ends in a 'y'!"

He laughed and ruffled my blond hair fondly. "And it took you that long to figure it out."

"Is she really with you?" asked Tenten curiously.

"What?" we asked in unison. "What do you mean 'with'?"

"As in partners… I mean, Kisame's an S-ranked criminal and Kate's – er – Kate…ish…"

"I told you!" cried Kisame, turning to me with feigned anger. "We have to work on your 'grr'-face! Give me your best 'grr'!"

I hesitated, glancing over at Tenten and Neji, who were both staring at me in confusion and, to be honest, a little amusement. Finally, I turned back to Kisame and screwed up my face. "Grrrrrrr!"

"No good," said Kisame. "You're more like a fluffy rabbit than a frightening criminal. We'll have to work on that more later." Then, he switched his attentions to Neji and Tenten. "Do you mind showing us around Konoha?"

"You're an S-ranked criminal," pointed out Neji. "We should be fighting you right now, planning to take you in for questioning as soon as you're defeated."

"We won't do any harm!" I cried, grabbing hold of Neji by the sleeve. "We've – er – lost some friends and we're trying to find them! We're here only on a search-and-rescue, that's all!"

Neji scowled.

"I think she's telling the truth," said Tenten thoughtfully. "Besides, you saw how Leader was acting. I don't think S-ranked criminals act like that unless there isn't something really wrong going on."

Both Kisame and I thought of Tobi and (though we didn't say it) we seriously doubted Leader's madness was any proof of our momentarily uncriminal-like behavior.

"Fine," said Neji grimly. "Though, I should warn you that there's a mad woman running amok today. She woke up in my bed, kidnapped Hinata, and now many shinobi are out looking for her. Be on your guard."

"Someone woke up in your bed?" I asked.

"So the stiff is getting some action," said Kisame eagerly. "Nice…"

"That's not what I meant," I snapped and then turned back to Neji. "What did she look like?"

"Er…" Neji thought for a second. "Long brown hair… brown eyes… kind of taller than the average girl and thin. She was really feminine…"

"Hannah!" I cried, turning to fling my arms around Kisame shoulders. "It's Hannah!"

"You know that psychopath!" exclaimed Neji.

"You woke up with Hannah in your bed?" asked Kisame, breaking off my hug with him. "Man, Zetsu is going to eat you alive!"

"Hannah is my friend," I explained, waving Kisame's perverted humor jokes away. "She was hit in the head by a falling piece of roof and her behavior is a little…weird… She's not normally like that!"

"Well," said Tenten. "If we help them find Hannah, then maybe you can find Hinata as well, Neji!"

"Fine," said Neji grimly. "Let's go."

And so the four of us – two Konoha shinobi, an Akatsuki member, and fake Akatsuki whore – made our way through the forest to the village hidden in the leaves, where we would search for Hannah and whoever else we could find.

In the end, finding Hannah was not as difficult as we thought. The four of us wandered about Konoha for ten minutes before we caught sight of a gigantic explosion in the distance. We ran through the streets of Konoha and found ourselves facing a pile of rubble with two blond standing face to face amongst the rocks and dirt.

On one side, there was Naruto Uzumaki with his short, spiky blond hair and fiery blue eyes as he fought for the safety of his village. And on the other side, there was Deidara, the insane, blonde, pyromaniac who fought because he liked to. Great match up…

And then, for some unknown reason, there was the cheering section where Hannah stood weeping pitifully (I don't think I've ever seen Hannah cry before) for the well-being of her "hubby" and Hinata knelt beside Hannah, quivering as she hoped for Narut's victory. Sonia stood a little in front of them, cheering for Naruto to "beat the pulp out of that perverted blond bitch who does nasty stuff with the mouths on his hands!"

"We have a little situation," I said softly.

Kisame just laughed.

Konan, who was standing a little ways away from that battle and pretending she didn't know those people, caught sight of us. She made her way through the piles of rubble to stand beside us (who she dubbed the sane people) and said, "So you found us. Where'd you two wash up after the orb?"

"At the hideout," I replied. "With Leader, Itachi, and Kakuzu as well."

"Leader? Where is he? Is he okay?" asked Konan nervously.

"Fine…" I murmured, shifting uncomfortably.

"He's a little coo-coo!" said Kisame, twirling his finger beside his head in the universal symbol for crazy.

"It's because he misses you," I reassured Konan. "He can't function without you."

Konan seemed visibly relieved by this information, but she quicly covered it up and said, "He's needs to work on his leadership skills. A leader should remain strong in any situation."

"Right…" Kisame grinned and patted me on the shoulder. Then, he bent over and whispered in my ear, "The Love Guru has found his next target."

"For another time," I whispered back. "The Love Guru and his assistant She-Cupid will strike soon though."

Any further Love Guru plotting was brought to an end by the shouts and bangs from Deidara and Naruto's fight. Hinata had caught sight of Neji and Tenten and rushed to their side, casting worried glances over her shoulder at Naruto. Her worrying was understandable. The fight was rather close, since both Naruto and Deidara were epic shinobi. I couldn't really tell what was going on, but by the expressions on everyone else's faces, it was intense.

Then, suddenly, Deidara let off another one of his bombs and the rubble exploded in all directions. Kisame shielded me from the worst of the debris, while Konan grabbed hold of Sonia. Unfortunately, there was no one to protect poor Hannah from the rain of falling rocks.

One slammed into her head and Hannah's eyes rolled backwards, revealing the white part only. She toppled to the ground and lay there, unmoving.

"Hannah!" I screamed, abandoning my position beside Kisame and sprinting through the rubble to her side. "Hannah!"

Sonia knelt at our side and stared at Hannah nervously. Blood trickled down Hannah's forehead, but she didn't move.

"Don't touch her!" commanded Konan, and she knelt beside Hannah and began checking all of Hannah's bones. "I'm not a doctor, but I'm far more qualified than any of you."

Neither of us argued.

Deidara stopped his fight and completely abandoned Naruto to come running to the aid of his "wife".

"Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!" shouted Deidara. "Are you okay!"

"Shut up, idiot!" snapped Sonia. "You're going to give her brain damage again! Why is it that whenever Hannah gets hit in the head, you're responsible!"

Deidara almost looked ashamed of his actions. Then, he stepped forward to stand beside Hannah and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Get up Hannah before I kill you!"

"Shut up, you stupid blond fur ball…"

Horrified, we all turned to stare at Hannah, who lay on the ground, her brown eyes open and staring up irritably at Deidara.

A wild sigh of relief escaped me and I collapsed to the ground beside Hannah. Konan bandaged up Hannah's forehead and then, Hannah sat up, turning to stare at us all one by one.

"I'm back in Konoha…" she observed.

"Do you…er…remember anything that happened while you were out?" I asked nervously.

"No…"

"Oh. Well that's a good thing then, isn't it," said Sonia cheerfully. "For Deidara at least…"

"I know," said Kisame. "I was hoping she'd remember everything and beat the crap out of him. It makes good entertainment."

"What am I not remembering…" said Hannah slowly, looking from us to Deidara and back. Then, she got to her feet and held out her hand to Kisame. With a laugh, he grabbed Deidara roughly by the shoulder and then, Kisame summon up a frying pan and handed it to Hannah. "Have fun, Hannah-Nunu."

"Shut up, Kisame," said Hannah as she rounded on Deidara.

He tried to run, but Kisame held him in place. Hannah raised the frying pan over her head and brought it crashing down on Deidara's skull.

"Ouch!" he cried as blood welled up on his forehead and dripped down his face. "What was that for!"

"I don't know!" shouted Hannah, preparing to strike him with the frying pan again. "But you did something to me while I was out of it and that was my revenge!"

"It's not my fault, bitch!" yelled Deidara. "You're the one who thought we were married and that Tobi was out child!"

"WHAT!"

But, luckily for Deidara, Hannah's rage was brought to an abrupt end by the arrive of the Green Beast of Konoha and his crew of miscreants. Gai stood atop the mound of rubble and looked about wildly. Lee stood to Gai's left, looking as equally wild and as equally idiotic. And then, poor Leader stood to the right of Gai, looking very tired and very frightened.

"What unyouthful thing is happening here?" asked Gai loudly. He caught sight of me standing beside Kisame who was holding down a bleeding Deidara while Hannah stood over him with a frying pan raised above her head. It probably looked ridiculous. But Gai just waved and said, "Hello, Kate-chan! Having a good day?"

"Er…yeah…"

And then, Leader caught sight of Konan.

It was like someone had waved a magic wand over him and he was no long an ugly servant girl, but now a beautiful princess. He stood straight and tall and all the fear vanished from his eyes. Suddenly, he was the leader we all knew and loved again, with all his old man traits and bossy attitude. Leader took one look at the situation he was in and then turned to Gai and Lee with the calmest expression I have ever seen.

"If you say 'youth' one more time, I will take this right hand of mine hand and thrust it inside you stomach, grab hold of as many intestines as I can fit into this hand of mine and then rip them all out of you, blood, guts and all. Then, I will force feed them into your mouth and make you swallow your own innards until you die choking and gurgling on your own blood – is that understood!"

Gai and Lee stared at Leader blankly.

"Well that's not very youthful," said Gai.

[The next scene is omitted due to Leader's extreme violence used against Gai and Lee. Needless to say the result was the return of the old Leader that we all know and love. Of course, this was at the expense of Gai and Lee's lives. But, as we know, being the 'youthful' people that they are, Gai and Lee will bounce back with the same ridiculous amount of energy as always]

"I feel refreshed." All smiles, Leader stepped off the pile of rubble to join the rest of the Akatsuki members present, Sonia, Hannah, and me. Rule Number Thirty-Eight: Don't make Leader one of the Green Youth – it generally results in mangled corpses and other hideous images that result from a very pissed off Leader.

A little ways off, Naruto stared at the mangled bodies of Gai and Lee and said, "I think I'm scarred for life."

Hinata threw up.

"It's good to have you back," said Kisame, wrapping an arm around Leader's shoulders. "We missed you."

"Touch me any longer and I will force feed you shark meat and then unleash Itachi on you."

Kisame let go of Leader.

"The good old days…" said Deidara cheerfully. "I miss them."

"We should head back to the hideout," I added. "We need to get Sonia home. It's not good if she's here too long."

"But…" wailed Sonia.

"That's right," said Konan. "If she stays too long she'll end up like you, Hannah, and Dessie."

We all shuddered at the thought.

But, of course, before we could even take a step in the direction of home, yet another obstacle dropped in our lap, and this time, it came in the form of the Konoha shinobi – a lot of them.