Zuko feels more guilt than he wants to when he shouts at Ikuro to leave his room. He knows the man is only trying to help, and has no way of knowing why Katara was so angry at him, but he couldn't handle Ikuro's prodding at his personal problems, especially when it felt like he was about to cough up his entire stomach.
With Ikuro gone, Zuko gulps down the rest of his tea; it tastes bitter from being steeped too long, and the way it burns his mouth reminds him far too much of the angry words that ripped from his throat minutes before.
Katara's eyes had seemed to flicker gold when she spat her insults at him. In the past, he had seen her eyes filled with anger, with indignance, with hatred; but never with malice, never with cruelty. What he knows of maliciousness comes mainly from his family, and though the words had come from the mouth of a fourteen year old water tribe girl, when she called him a disgrace, all he could think of was his father. His eyes bled into hers, angry and pale gold and burning, his voice echoing hers until Katara's yelling seemed to dissipate, overpowered by his father's biting tone.
And yet, Katara isn't his father. She has never made him cry, never made him beg for mercy, never made him ridiculed by his own nation. Whenever his father had spat vicious words at him, he recalls convincing himself that they were true, telling himself that if his father really believed he was a disgrace, there must have been at least some fact in it.
When she calls him a disgrace, he finds himself fighting it. He can't tell if it's because it holds less truth when she says it, or more.
He hates the effect those words have on him - the lowering of his head, the closing up of his throat, the fear that rushes though his veins. He hates the moment of recovery he needed to take before fighting back, that feeling of weakness as he avoided her eyes; and yet, he hates more than anything that he has gotten her of all people to use those words. The few minutes of kindness she showed him in the Crystal Catacombs felt almost surreal, in the way that he had never thought anyone could be so nice, especially after he had chased them around the world for months on end. To know that someone as good-natured as her is now screaming hateful words at him is almost an insult in itself.
He knows that she has more than enough reasons to hate him, though. He had betrayed her trust in the Crystal Catacombs - trust which he knew he didn't deserve from her - and in that betrayal, he had joined the side which murdered her friend minutes after. Of course he understands why she is so angry at him; and yet, what else could he have done? Gaining his father's love is more important than a single person's opinion of him - he knew that when he was sent away three years ago, and he knows it now, on his new mission. But to call him a disgrace, to call him pathetic, is something different entirely - because exactly what he knew would please his father has made someone else see him as worthless, and it is terrifying to think that whatever he does or says or changes about himself, he will still be seen as a disgrace by someone; that perhaps it is simply an unchangeable part of him.
Yet, what matters more: his own father seeing him as pathetic, or some water tribe girl who barely knows him thinking the same? The answer is obvious; he would not have spent the past years searching tirelessly for the Avatar if he did not care what his father thought of him. He thinks back to working in the tea shop in Ba Sing Se, after his 'metamorphosis', and back to the feeling of not caring about his father's opinion of him, of thinking about what really mattered to himself - the idea of it is vague and hard to imagine, the feeling of peace it brought him even vaguer. For how could he not care now, when the mission is so much easier than before; when his father's acceptance is so close, he can almost touch it?
He remembers telling Azula that their father didn't trust him, but rather, wanted him gone. But how difficult is it to capture a baby? Zuko figures it is not nearly as difficult as capturing someone who hasn't been seen in 100 years - and why would Ozai give him a task that he could probably complete, if he didn't want him to complete it?
Unless he knows you're going to fail, like you do with everything else, he thinks. Perhaps, though, this is his chance to prove to his father that he won't fail; that he really is fit to be Prince, fit to fulfil the destiny that has been set for him.
Before he can ponder it an further, there is a knock at his door; he tells them to come in, and short, well-built woman enters with a mop in her hand, immediately crinkling her nose.
"Oh, wow. I'm here to clean your room... I guess just give me the bucket and I'll empty it." She says, her voice deeper than he expected. "Oh, sorry. What would you like me to address you as?"
He glances at the bucket in his hands, filled with a worrying amount of bile, and attempts to avoid her stare. "Oh, I'll empty it myself, don't worry." He says, not wanting her to see its contents half out of sympathy for her, and half out of embarrassment for himself. "And just Zuko is fine."
She raises a brow, pondering him for a moment. "Huh. A Prince who wants to clean up after himself - that's something new. And you don't want to be addressed by your title. It almost seems like you don't want to be royalty."
There's a slight glint in her eyes that makes him unsure of whether she is trying to make a joke or not; if she is, he can't quite find the humour in it.
"Normally, I'd insist on cleaning everything for you, but y'know... I think I'm fine with you emptying out whatever's in there. As long as you can stand up without puking, that is. And if you could stay out of your room while I clean it, that'd be great."
Admittedly, it's harder than he would have hoped, but he succeeds in standing and walking from his room to the deck of the ship, trying not to watch as he tips the bucket's contents into the sea. He breathes in the fresh air for a few moments, its coolness making him feel slightly better, before someone taps him on the shoulder.
A middle aged man he recognises as Zui, the commander of the ship, greets him. "Prince Zuko, I heard shouting from your room earlier today - is everything alright?"
Zuko feels his breath hitch - were they really yelling that loudly? "Oh - um, yes, everything's alright. Do you think everybody heard the shouting?"
"I'm guessing it's not the answer you're looking for, but yes, I would think so." Zui replies, pausing for a moment. "I didn't realise you and the water tribe girl - Katara - knew each other."
"We've met before." He says, feeling himself stiffen slightly.
"She seemed quite angry at you. I mean, the way she was speaking... it seems that you two have quite the history."
"I suppose you could say that. I don't know why it would concern you."
"I believe it concerns me if you two are going to bicker every time you see each other. Especially if you're going to make the whole crew hear it."
"Well, we won't bicker every time we see each other - we won't even normally need to interact."
"We're going to be on this ship for a while, Prince Zuko - you cannot simply hope to avoid each other for the whole time. In fact, I doubt you'll be able to complete this mission your father has sent you on unless you work together. She will be the one showing you around the water tribes, after all."
Zuko grits his teeth, feeling a familiar, angry heat rush to his palms. "It isn't the sort of thing that's simple to work out."
"Perhaps you should work it out anyway." Zui says, his voice firm. Before Zuko can say anything else, the older man walks away, the conversation clearly over.
His fists are still clenched as he stares out into the ocean, its blue completely surrounding the ship; it seems that he has forgotten what it looks like for the sea to appear infinite. More than that, though, he is still angered by his conversation with Zui - more specifically, by the man's disbelief in how complicated the situation really is, so intent on speaking his mind that he didn't even give Zuko a chance to explain. Before he can try to calm down, a short burst of fire explodes from his hand onto the surface of the water, the flame stark against the stillness of the sea; strangely, the heat on his skin remains long after the fire is gone. A part of him knows Zui does have a point, in that Katara will be the one guiding him through the Water Tribes, and he doubts that will be possible if they're arguing all the time. But he also knows that he can't force her to get along with him - in fact, trying to do that would almost definitely make matters worse.
Perhaps the mission is simply doomed, then, and he will never return to the Fire Nation again. Perhaps that was his father's plan all along, and he really does just want him gone. There is a chance, though, that Zuko can still prove him wrong - if he can get Katara to be civil with him while he looks for the avatar. At this point, it seems that navigating the Water Tribes by himself would be easier.
He is still unusually hot, even for a recently angered firebender. He tries not to focus on it; in fact, he thinks it would probably be better if he didn't focus on anything, not on his father or his sister or Katara or himself. Maybe, then, he could put his full attention on the task at hand, instead of complicating things and confusing himself. He supposes it is easier said than done.
He can't help but notice how the sea air is becoming less refreshing by the minute; maybe resting his eyes would help. And if it doesn't fix whatever stomach bug he seems to have caught, then at least a nap will give him a few hours away from his thoughts - right now, he thinks that can only be a good thing.
—
They move from cave to cave, until Sokka spots Fire Nation clothes for them to steal. The red of the fabric hurts his eyes, and the tunic he wears is strangely lightweight compared to his Water Tribe attire, but he forces it on nonetheless. He finds it is a distant sort of unsettling, to wear the clothes of the enemy. He tries not to care - they are here for Katara, after all.
They fly along the western coast of the Fire Nation, trying to stay far enough from land to prevent Appa from being seen. They stop in a small town to buy food, and find that the people are polite, personable, strikingly normal; it is strange to know that they are same people enamoured with leaders who vow to take over the world. The woman who sells them cuts of meat for one bronze coin instead of two says bless Firelord Ozai as a farewell, the phrase said casually, as if automatic; the young boys who accidentally run into them and apologise profusely afterwards, will grow up to be soldiers on the other side of the war; the wizened old man who smiled at them when they entered later mentions something about Princess Azula's success in Ba Sing Se, his voice filled with pride. Toph turns a few shades paler at the mention of it; Sokka feels sick to his stomach, pretending to be the same as those who glorify the death of a child, walking among those who worship a murderer as their next supreme leader - the murderer of his friend, no less.
As they walk back to the cave they hid Appa in, Toph suddenly speaks - a rarity for her, now. "Aang said they use Flameo, hotman as a greeting in the Fire Nation, once."
Sokka almost stops walking - this is the first time either of them have mentioned Aang since they left Ba Sing Se. Perhaps this is Toph's way of trying to remember him in some way that isn't unbearably painful. As much as he wants to, Sokka cannot find any part of him that appreciates the attempt.
"We should focus on finding Katara." He says, his voice tight, resigned. He barely sounds like himself, and he wonders, briefly, if he ever will again.
Toph's bottom lip quivers slightly, as if she is about to cry. Instead, she simply nods.
"Yeah."
—
AN: Hello I'm back after a ridiculously long period of inactivity! I actually have the excuse of doing my GCSEs last may/june, so you can't blame me too much. I think I'm going to stat editing the earlier chapters of this book, too, as there's some bits that I'm really not happy with, and some things I want to change before going further. I'll put any changes I make in the ANs of new chaps, so you guys won't have to go back and reread things.
I'm really going to try to write this more frequently (even with a levels going on, which are apparently "the hardest things i'll ever do"... fun) because I really want to improve my characterisation and plot writing. I sort of gave up on writing a novel recently because I'm not the best with plots, but I'm going to try to get some practice with story writing in this. There's lots of twists and turns up ahead that I'm really excited about, so even if no ones reading this anymore, I think it'll still be good for me to write, as well as really fun! Sorry for the sort of uneventful chap btw... more things will happen in the next one lol.