Chapter Thirty-Nine: Battle of the Badasses

Rule Number Thirty-Nine: Sometimes S-ranked criminals forget too.

Hannah

There is only so much I can deal with in one day. Not only did I just regain myself after having my memory blasted away by the debris of Deidara's explosion and I found out that during that time period I thought Deidara was my husband and Tobi my son, I now had a spitting headache with my forehead thick with bandages. And, as if that weren't enough, I was now standing with the Akatsuki (who, thankfully, were not wearing their cloaks) and my friends surrounded by angry Konoha shinobi…

This day could not get any worse, could it?

"I know them!" shouted a silver haired shinobi (Kakashi). "It's the Akatsuki and their fake-whores!"

Prove me wrong. As expressions of comprehension crossed the Konoha shinobi's faces, I had to sigh heavily. This day had just gotten ten times worse.

"I d-d-don't like being called a fake-whore…" murmured Kate.

"She's just a regular whore," explained Kisame cheerfully. He wrapped an arm around Kate's waist and picked her up right of the ground until her face was level with his. "Hey, baby, want to get it on?"

Kate was as red as a tomato.

"Don't ruin her purity, Kisame," I warned him. "Or she could go all badass on you."

"Badass? Kate? Where did this come from?"

"All it takes is the magic word," I explained.

The Akatsuki and the Konoha shinobi watched us curiously. I realized that none of them except for Kakashi had ever seen Kate go badass – and believe me, he looked scared.

"Why don't you put that word away," said Kakashi warningly. "Someone could get hurt."

I turned on him with a vicious grin crossing my face. "I'm in a terrible mood, Oh Masked and Strange One. Don't mess with me. Turn all your little troops of shinobi around or I will unleash the Kate on you."

"What are you talking about?" asked Kate confusedly.

"Stay! Stay!" cried Kisame. "I want to see this badass Kate."

"Kate can never be a badass," said Sonia. "It's genetically impossible."

"Two words," I said, rounding on Kakashi. "Two words are all it takes to send you and your army of shinobi into hell."

"We can't leave you," said Kakashi. "But don't say it!"

"Mr. Nibbles." I turned to Kate and said, with a dead serious expression, "Kakashi and all his Konoha shinobi said that Mr. Nibbles is an idiot."

The effect was perfect. Kate, pure and holy and innocent Kate, transformed into a badass demon of revenge. Her face contorted and she glowered at Kakashi with newfound hated. Her entire body was tense and trembling.

"What did you say about Mr. Nibbles?" she asked, her voice low and deadly.

"That he was a really… really nice rabbit…" murmured Kakashi.

"MR. NIBBLES WAS A CHICKEN!"

"I meant chicken..."

And with that, all hell broke loose. Kate leapt across the pile of rubble to grab Kakashi by the throat. Soon, the two of them were engaged in an epic battle of the badasses (Kakashi being the masked ninja badass and Kate being the psychopathic Mr. Nibbles' revenge badass).

For a moment, we all stood there, staring at Kakashi and Kate, unable to comprehend what was going on. Then, one of the Konoha shinobi charged at Kisame, preparing to take off Kisame's blue head with a gigantic axe. Unfortunately for a shinobi, Kisame is undefeatable when it comes to weapons of destruction. With one swing of his sword, Kisame stopped the shinobi's attack and with a second swing of his sword, Kisame had chopped the shinobi's head off.

"Ew…" wailed Sonia.

"Art is bang, uhn!" cried Deidara and he threw himself into the fray, laughing wildly and throwing miniature bombs in every direction.

"This is madness," declared Konan. "Just how I like it." Then, with a wave of her arms, paper appeared from no where and started attacking the Konoha shinobi. They screamed and ran away, but the paper was relentless.

Leader, too, joined the fight, with all his bodies appearing after a summoning and battling on par with the Konoha elite.

Konan with her paper, Deidara with his bombs, Leader with his bodies, Kisame with his sword, and Kate with her revenge…it was all complete and utter madness. And, as sad as it is to say, I probably belonged in this madness. I gripped the handle of my frying pan and, with newfound determination I raised it above my head, preparing to fight.

"Wait!"

Sonia grabbed my wrist and pulled me away. "Don't leave me!"

"Don't worry," I said, patting her arm comfortingly. "If anyone dangerous comes near you, just scream and run in the opposite direction – then they know you're not a threat."

"That won't work!" she cried.

I shrugged and, for the first time, I realized that perhaps this alternate dimension was not for everyone. I patted Sonia gently on the shoulder and said in the softest voice I could, "It's worked for us in the past. It's all the advice I can give you." And then, wielding my badass frying pan, I ran forward and brought it crashing down on some shinobi's skull.

I had never been in a fight before, to be honest. And I never really thought I would ever be in one. But now that I was, I have to say it was rather thrilling.

I swung my frying pan of mass destruction about wildly, never mind who might get in its way. I'm sure I might have hit Deidara on the head a couple of times by accident, of course. But who cares! It's a fight. No one's counting how many blows to the head anyone gets. All that matters is who is standing at the end and who is lying on the ground with blood around their heads. And, like the criminally insane psychopath that I apparently am, I had fun.

That was, until, Deidara decided it would be best to blow the whole place up.

KA-BOOM!

Dirt, bricks, trees, doors, roofs, anything and everything came crashing down on our heads. There was a scream – possibly Sonia or Kate – and a couple of people started to run. It did them no good. One moment everything was aflame and then everything was falling.

I think someone – maybe Deidara, maybe Leader – covered my head (it had been through enough abuse over the past few days). Rocks and stone and splinters scraped against my skin – a rubble covered chaos, that's what this was.

And then there was silence.

…

…

…

"Who was the idiot who thought it would be funny to blow up half the city!"

That would be Leader speaking.

"When I find him I will find get a jutsu from Hidan that will make this son-of-a-bitch immortal and then use every jutsu in my power to make his life a living hell!"

"Calm down, Leader," came the soothing voice of Konan. "We're all alright."

"Speak for yourself."

There came the sound of rubble shifting about and I recognized the voice of Sonia as she added, "I'm all achy."

"You're bleeding," added Konan.

"It's not bad though. You sheltered me from most of it."

I opened my eyes and they were filled with blinding light. I blinked – once, twice, three times – and then realized that I was not buried by mountains of rubble, but rather, I was lying on top of a smashed-up door frame with a very squishy blond fur ball on top of me.

"Deidara…" I murmured. "What are you doing?"

"Uhn…" he grumbled, snuggling closer against my back. "So comfortable…"

"Get off me, moron!" I sat up and Deidara promptly fell off of me, his face landing with a heavy crunch against the ground.

"You're in one piece?" asked Konan.

"Yeah, yeah…" I muttered. "Deidara covered me."

"And what do I get for it?" asked Deidara irritably. "Nothing. In fact, she pushes me away."

"What do you want for it?" I snapped angrily.

Deidara thought about it for a second and then wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. I wish I had my frying pan right now.

"Home sweet home!"

The door of the hideout flew open and Diedara stepped inside with his arms thrown open as if to hug the hideout. "I missed this place!"

I couldn't help but agree with him as I stepped into the oh-so-familiar hallways of the hideout. I hadn't been here in a couple months and already I missed this place terribly – what have the Akatsuki done to me!

"You live here?" asked Sonia incredulously. "It's a dump."

"Don't insult my home," snapped Leader as he walked through the door after Sonia. "Or you'll wish you've never been born."

"He means it," added Konan, stepping in after Leader.

"Oh right," I said thoughtfully. "Sonia's never been to the hideout before – you get used to it after awhile."

"So, can you give me the tour?"

I glanced around at the rest of the Akatsuki present and shrugged. "Sure. But shouldn't you be getting home? You're parents must be worried…"

"So are yours," pointed out Sonia irritably. "I can stay if I want to."

"Not really," said Leader as casually as if we were talking about the weather. "This is my hideout and therefore it is my decision whether you stay or go. And, unfortunately, I like you less than I like Hannah, Kate or Dessie – and I don't really want you to stay."

I almost laughed aloud. Leader's just awesome like that.

"You like Dessie more than me?" asked Sonia incredulously.

Leader shrugged. "She kicks Hidan in his weak spot – that's always good for amusement."

"I don't want to go," said Sonia stubbornly. "I want to stay here."

"No can do," said Leader equally as stubborn.

"You can't make me do anything."

Leader laughed aloud. "Want to bet?" And with that, he picked Sonia up and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Sonia kicked and screamed, but, of course, Leader was an S-ranked missing ninja and there was no arguing with S-ranked missing ninjas. Leader carried Sonia all the way down to the basement with the rest of us trailing after them curiously.

Leader found the glowing blue orb and – before Sonia could breathe a word of protest – Leader dumped her into the glowing blue orb and with a flash of light, Sonia was gone.

"Problem solved," said Leader, brushing off his hands.

"One down, one to go," said Konan cheerfully.

I glanced around and – suddenly – it dawned on me. "Hey guys…where's Kate and Kisame?"

Silence.

Everyone looked around the room in search of the missing blue-shark and the innocent Kate. There was no sign of them. In fact, there had been no sign on them since the explosion Deidara had set of in Konoha.

Leader groaned and Konan slapped her forehead wearily.

"Oh shit… don't tell me we forgot them."

"You mean we have to go all the way back to Konoha?" asked Deidara.

"Uh-huh."

Rule Number Thirty-Nine: Sometimes S-ranked ninja criminals forget too – their forgets though just happen to be on a bigger scale than the regular S-ranked ninja (criminals are just too badass for the normal-scale forgets).