Chapter Forty: Kisses and Cannibalism

Rule Number Forty: The name Hannah is a powerful weapon indeed.

Dessie

"So how about it?"

"No."

"One time, that's all I ask."

"No."

"Please…"

"No!"

"Why won't you go one a date with me!" wailed Damon miserably. He struggled against the bonds that tied him to the tree, but to no avail. Team Hebi were no dropouts when it came to rope tying.

"Get this into your head, you thick skull idiots!" screamed Karin and she kicked Damon's ankle angrily. "I will not ever – and I mean ever – date you! My heart belongs to Sasuke Uchiha and that is it! No one else! Understand!"

"Shut up, bitch," I snapped. "Mini-Hottie is mine!"

"He's mine, whore!" snapped Karin, rounding on me now. "Keep your perverted hands and lips off of him or I will rip you to shreds!"

I yawned. "You're just jealous because I've kissed him twice and you haven't."

"Twice!" screamed Karin.

"We have that kind of relationship," I explained triumphantly. "Don't be too jealous – you always have Damon."

Damon grinned and said, "I'm always ready for some rebound action."

"Shut up!"

Beside me, Hidan struggled against his bonds. "The stupid bitch can have duck-ass all she wants – now can we go home?"

"But I want to stay with Mini-Hottie," I whined.

Hidan went slightly red around the ears and shouted, "No! You can not stay with Mini-Hottie! He'll probably murder you in your sleep!"

"Or when she tries to rape him," added Damon. "Though to be honest, man, I'm rooting for you all the way. Though… if Dessie ends up with duck-ass, then Karin will be free for me. Then two-out-of-three of us will be happy…"

"I object," said Hidan.

"I concur!" I cried excitedly and then turned to Sasuke. "Hey, Mini-Hottie! Let's get hitched so Karin and Damon can have their date!"

"Hn…"

"I think that's a 'yes'!" I shouted.

Juugo glanced from Sasuke to me and then said in that slow and steady voice of his, "I think Sasuke's saying 'no'."

"Who can tell!" shouted Hidan. "These stupid Uchihas are incapable of human communication yet they're so popular! They should all be sacrificed to Jashin-sama and the world will be a much better place!"

"Don't touch my Sasuke!" screamed Karin and I in unison.

"Can you believe the nerve of these boys?" I asked Karin incredulously.

She shook her head. "They're all idiots – except Sasuke, of course!"

"That's what makes the Uchihas so attractive," I explained. "They don't all under the category of idiot with the rest of their kind." I glared at Hidan. "And Warg will devour your puny god."

"Warg is a god you made up on the spot!" shouted Hidan.

"Excuse me, did you say something?" I asked.

"I said: Warg is a god you made up on the spot, whore!" Hidan pratically screamed in my ear.

"All this yelling is making my head hurt," I said. "I'm going to sleep. Zetsu, can I use your shoulder as a pillow?"

Zetsu turned to look at me, a bit of drool dripping down his chin (he had been staring at Juugo hungrily for the past hour or so). "What? Shoulder? Pillow?"

"Er…never mind." I turned back to Hidan and asked, "Can I use your shoulder as a pillow?"

"Hell no, whore."

I ignore his refusal and used his shoulder as a pillow. I have to admit, for a violent criminal who sacrifices people to Jashin, Hidan does have very comfortable shoulders. I should use them as pillows more often. And, to my surprise, Hidan did not try and shake me off, but rather, he sat there and bore with it, even though I suspected his shoulder began to fall asleep after awhile and he had pins and needles.

"DESSIE-NUNU! TOBI HAS COME TO SAVE YOU!"

I groaned. "Hidan, if Tobi comes here tell him to be quiet because I'm sleeping."

"You tell him," snapped Hidan.

"But I'm sleeping."

There was the sound of footsteps and I squinted (still pretending to be asleep) as I saw Sasuke and Tobi approach together. Tobi looked absolutely thrilled to see me and was pratically skipping on the spot. I found it odd that Sasuke and Tobi were walking together (had they been having some sort of secret conference?), but before I could think too much into it, Tobi rushed forward to embrace me, screaming my name over and over again.

"Shut up," snapped Hidan. "She's asleep."

Tobi stopped and stared. "Dessie-Nunu isn't frightened?"

I almost snapped at him. Why would a great and mighty person like me be frightened? But of course, saying that would ruin my sleep-act, so I remained silent.

"But Tobi was hoping that Dessie-Nunu would be scared and she would jump into Tobi's arms, crying, and ride off into the sunset with Tobi."

"Who the hell would do that!" I shrieked, sitting upright. "It's scary as shit!"

"Dessie-Nunu is up!" wailed Tobi and he flung his arms around my neck.

"Shit…"

"Well," said Sasuke. "Not that the reunion is over – Juugo, tie him up."

"Eh?" Tobi looked around, but before he could stop them, Juugo and Suigetsu had grabbed Tobi by the shoulders and tied him to the tree beside Damon (who looked less than pleased by this arrangement).

"Ha! You get what you deserve," said Karin.

Damon scowled. "You may be hot, but you can be a bit of a bitch at times."

"Oh!" I cried, leaning over to talk to Hidan. "It's their first lovers' spat."

"And you should know a lot about that," said Suigetsu with a snicker.

"If I weren't tied to a tree you'd be missing some important manly bits right now," I told him. "Even if you are the Snow-Hottie."

"You wouldn't dare harm this perfect specimen," said Suigetsu triumphantly.

I scowled, and then, after gazing at Suigetsu for a moment, my head sagged in resignation. "You're right… I cannot resist you hotness. How about we run away together, Snow-Hottie, just you and me?"

"Love to," said Suigetsu. "But I have things to do, places to go. I can't tie myself down to one girl yet."

I smirked and then put on the most girly expression I possibly could. "But Suigetsu-sama – you should take responsibility for your actions."

"Eh?"

Hidan yelped. "What is she talking about? Suigetsu? What is she talking about? I'll kill you! Jashin-sama isn't picky about his sacrifices? I will show you the meaning of pain – you miserable wretch of a creature! Hell will devour you and spit you back out only to devour you again, you bastard! I will curse you to the next century and gnaw your bones out with y own teeth if I have to!"

"What are you talking about?" Suigetsu asked me, completely ignoring Hidan's rant.

"You don't know yet?" I said innocently. "And here I am–" (I choked back tears) "–dealing with all the stress and you're carefree and…and…happy…"

"What did you do now, Suigetsu?" asked Sasuke irritably.

"What did you do to Dessie-Nunu!" wailed Tobi. "Tobi doesn't like it when Dessie-Nunu cries!"

Hidan was still releasing a stream of death threats.

"I didn't do anything!" cried Suigetsu. "Nothing at all!"

"WAH! He ate my arm! He ate my arm! He ate my arm!"

Everyone turned to stay at Juugo, who stood a few feet away from Zertsu, clutching his shoulder and blood spurted out where Juugo's arm ought to be. I turned to stare at Zetsu who was clutching a large, muscular arm between his lips and gnawing on it rather peacefully.

"That's disgusting, man," I told him.

"He ate my arm!" screamed Juugo. His face started to grow red with rage. "He ate my arm and all you can say is 'that's disgusting, man'!"

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked. "I'm terribly sorry, Juugo, that you lost your arm – would you like a sympathies card to go with it?"

Juugo's face was now turning a livid shade of green as black splotches made their way across his face, slowly turning his entire body red. His form morphed and soon, before us, stood the blood-red monstrous form of Juugo. "I'll kill you!" he howled. "I'll kill you!"

"Oops…"

"Someone stop Juugo," said Sasuke.

"Not me!" cried Suigetsu. "I'm not getting in the way of that thing."

"It'll do the world a favor if he kills Dessie," added Karin. "Think of it a community service to make up for all the bad things we've done."

Juugo started to charge, preparing to rip me to shreds. I screamed, but Juugo had barely come a meter away from me before a tall, dark man appeared between the two of us. He stopped Juugo in his tracks and said, in a deep, serious voice, "Don't harm Dessie-Nunu."

"Eh?"

That serious, mysterious, dark stranger was…Tobi! There was something very, very wrong with this situation.

"You're not going to be like Kate and fall in love with Tobi because he saved your life, are you?" asked Hidan.

I snorted. "Me? Hell no."

"What are you doing, Madara?" asked Sasuke irritably. "I didn't think you'd blow your cover so easily."

"I didn't think you'd let your monster go on rampage so easily," said Madara-Tobi in his deep voice.

"Wait a second…" said Hidan slowly. "You mean Tobi… has split personalities?"

"I think it's more that he's an evil mastermind who plans on ruling the world, bit rather than reveal who he is, the evil mastermind pretends to be a silly idiot so that no one would ever suspect that he is said evil mastermind," I explained.

Hidan considered this. "Too complicated. Let's just stick to the split personalities theory."

I shrugged. "Fair enough."

"You protected that stupid whore?" asked Sasuke, still talking to Madara-Tobi.

Madara-Tobi shrugged. "She kicks Hidan in his weak spot. It makes like more amusing."

"Hey!" said Hidan. "It's not that funny! I might not be able to have children now!"

"You'd make an awful daddy," I told him.

Damon snickered. "But he wants to be the father of your children."

"Karin, dearest," I said, turning to her. "Would you like to do the honors?"

"Of course, Dessie, dearest," said Karin and she put Damon through so much pain that I cannot possibly bear to tell you about it for fear of scarring your innocent and pure minds. Needless to say, it was satisfactory revenge for Damon's inappropriate and totally untrue comment.

"Since when are you and Karin all buddy-buddy?" asked Suigetsu.

"Since we agreed that all men are idiots," I said. "All women bond over the common enemy."

"What's the common enemy?"

An all too familiar voice filled the forest. My heart leapt with glee as I turned to see the rescue team standing between two oak trees, watching us all: Kakuzu, with his eyes full of money, glowered at the group, while Itachi stood beside him, looking as bored and uninterested as always.

Needless to say, at the sight of his brother, Sasuke started to hyperventilate with excitement. "Itachi!" he screamed, pointing at his brother. "I will kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Kakuzu, waving away Sasuke's words. "Been there done that – next story line please."

"Shut up!" screamed Sasuke. "I will kill Itachi! And when I do, don't come crying to me in pity! I will kill you too! I will kill anyone who gets in my way!"

Kakuzu yawned. "You do realize that storyline is way overused."

"Hey Kakuzu," I said cheerfully. "Nice of you to drop by."

"I'm only here because I want to get on Ms. Wendy's good side," explained Kakuzu.

"She'd prefer it if I were dead," I pointed out.

"Maybe, but you're my only connection to Ms. Wendy and her money. So, I need you alive."

I sighed. "Why does it feel like I'm being used?"

"Because you are."

"I admire your candor."

"It's one of my finest qualities."

"I'd hate to see the rest of them."

Suddenly, Kakuzu caught sight of Zetsu, who was munching on Juugo's arm still. "Who fed the cannibal?"

"Juugo," said Damon. "Apparently he didn't see the sign around Zetsu's neck which says 'Don't Feed the Animals'."

"Shut up all of you!" shouted Sasuke. "Itachi! Fight me!"

"Hn…"

"I think he's saying that he can't be bothered," said Suigetsu helpfully. "Maybe he doesn't think you're worthy of a fight."

"Hn…" was all Itachi said.

"Can someone untie us already!" shouted Hidan. "These ropes are a bitch!"

"Quit your whining," snapped Damon. "We all know you're secretly please to be tied up with Dessie. You think that kind of thing is kinky."

"Someone kill him, please!" I shouted.

Karin smiled demonically. "That can be arranged."

"You know," I said thoughtfully. "At first I thought you were a whorish bitch, but now I see that you're really a totally awesome bitch who I can relate to."

Karin hesitated. "I can't decide if that was a compliment or an insult. At first I thought you were a whorish bitch – and guess what! You're still a whorish bitch!"

"Yay for understanding!" I cried.

Suigetsu and Hidan exchanged bemused glances. "Women."

"Why won't anyone just let me kill Itachi!" shouted Sasuke angrily.

Kakuzu cut the ropes that bound us and Damon, Zetsu, Hidan, and I suddenly found ourselves free and able to move again. I moved over to stand by Karin and slung and arm around her shoulders in a near-friendly manner. She glanced at me suspiciously, but I just grinned.

"Since we get along so well now, Karin, I'm going to teach you a little lesson on how to get boys."

"I don't need one–" she began, but I interrupted her.

"The key is to be aggressive – guys like that kind of thing. So, when a guy's all hot and pissed about something, this is what you got to do."

I let go of Karin and took two steps across the forest floor to grab Sasuke's head and plant a big fat kiss on his lips. Sasuke was too surprised to do anything, and when I pulled away and punched him square in the nose, Sasuke was so surprised that he buckled to the ground instantaneously and completely unconscious.

"Sorry, Mini-Hottie," I said. "But I can't have Hottie killing you yet. It'd be such a waste."

"Oh wow…" said Suigetsu. "She kissed him and then knocked him out cold – I feel sorry for whatever son-of-a-bitch ends up marrying her. Domestic violence much?'

"Domestic violence only applies to those who obey the law," I said cheerfully. "So if I marry a criminal, no one cares – it's just two criminals being criminals."

"Yay for loopholes," muttered Kakuzu. "Saves me a legal fee."

"Well," said Madara-Tobi. "Let's leave. I can't stand another minute in this place."

"Let's blow this popsicle stand!" exclaimed Damon and he oh-so-heroically stole a kiss from Karin. Of course, he was then oh-so-unheroically punched in the jaw.

"Better luck next time," I said.

And so, Itachi, Kakuzu, Tobi, Hidan, Damon, and I headed off into the horizon back to the Akatsuki hideout that we all knew and loved so dearly. Zetsu followed after us, still munching away on Juugo's severed arm.

"You know," I said. "Hannah wouldn't like you being so cannibalistic. She prefers vegetarians."

"Wouldn't that be cannibalism for Zetsu too?" asked Damon.

I considered this. "Well, I don't think Hannah cares if he's cannicalistic in that sense. As long as he doesn't eat people of the same species as Hannah, I don't think she cares what kind of cannibal he is."

Zetsu looked from the arm to me and then back to the arm. He sighed forlornly. And, in amazement to us all, he chucked the arm over his shoulder and continued following after us. "Maybe we should eat more tofu," said Zetsu thoughtfully.

Rule Number Forty: The name of Hannah is a powerful weapon indeed – especially involving Zetsu…