Chapter Forty-Three: A Drunken Brawl

Rule Number Forty-Three: Avoid Jiraiya, he is the biggest pervert you will ever meet.

Dessie

I sat on the floor of the brothel room and waited, rather determinedly, for my customer to arrive. I was actually sort of excited - my fists hadn't been unleashed in a long while and now, I had an excuse to use them.

The door to the brothel room opened and my customer stepped inside. I smiled, ready to kick his ass – then, I froze.

"You!" I cried in horror.

The customer turned to stare and, slowly, recognition dawned in his mind and his pointed at me wildly. "You!"

That long, white hair and a wart on his nose with two red lines trailing down from his eyes like tears – it was my first customer! The first time the Akatsuki had abandoned me at a brothel and my first customer had been some old guy with a wart on his nose! He was back! Back to haunt me!

"What are you doing here?" I asked angrily. "Don't tell me you're my customer – again."

"Why are you still a prostitute!" asked the old man. "You were a failure of a prostitute the first time I met you and you're still a failure of a prostitute!"

"Well excuse me for being terrible at selling my body!" I screamed. "Old man! Pervert! Get out of my sight!"

"I paid for you fair in square!" shouted the old man. "And by God I'm going to get some!" And, before I knew exactly what was going on, the old man lunged at me, his eyes wide with perverted desires.

I screamed and – at the last second – I lunged out of the way. The old man landed face first on the floor. He lay there for a moment, groaning and then he rolled over and asked, "What's your name, fake prostitute?"

"Desdemona Lee – and you are?"

"Jiraiya…"

"Well," I said with a bow. "I'd say it was nice to meet you again, Jiraiya – but it wasn't. So I bid you farewell and I hope we never meet again." And then I fled the room in search of Hannah and Kate.

Kate was easy enough to find. Seconds after I had left Jiraiya on the floor, Kate came sprinting out of her room, screeching at the top of her lungs. Her customer (an extremely ugly man with a wrinkly face) came chasing after her, squealing with delight at the chase.

"Kate!" I cried and caught of hold of her arm, bringing her to a halt beside me. "What's up?"

"Oh hi, Dessie," she said. "You were quick."

Kate's customer slowed to a halt at the sight of me and he grinned villainously, wiggling his fingers in excitement. "The number of hot babes had doubled… shall we make this a threesome."

I stared at him for a total of three seconds and then kicked him in his weak spot. "Ugly as hell," I announced. "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last human being on earth. Now pick up your ugly-ass and get out of my sight before I decide that you don't deserve to be a man anymore."

The customer let out a groan and, trembling in fear, he slowly crawled away, clutching his manly bits.

"Dessie," said Kate, letting out a sigh of relief. "If you weren't a girl, I would marry you."

"Sorry," I said, turning to look for Hannah. "You're not hot enough for me to marry."

Before Kate could protest, I led her down the hall in search of Hannah. We checked every room (even occupied ones) and could find no sight of her. Finally, we opened one and saw a suspicious looking man standing in the windowsill with an unconscious Hannah slung over his shoulders.

"What the hell?" I asked, staring at Hannah's kidnapper. I had seen many perverts in my time, but none as strange as him. He seemed like the type who fancied himself a medieval knight and dressed in chainmail and wore a gigantic knight's helmet proudly.

"Oh-ho!" cried the knight. "So you've discovered me! But it's too late, fair maidens, for I have kidnapped your precious damsel!"

"Dear Warg!" I yelped. "Can I kill him?"

"Sir!" cried Kate, stepping forward. "It's Sir!"

"Sir what?"

"Just Sir," explained Kate.

I yelped again and covered my ears. "Not only does he dress lamely, he also has a lame name! Why? Why must I put up with this shit!"

"Don't insult my name!" shouted Sir. "And I beg pardon for I mistook your role! You are not a fair maiden, but rather an ugly step-sister whose heart is as ugly as her face!"

I froze and slowly lowered my hands to my sides. I stared at Sir, my face slowly contorting with rage. "What did you just say?"

"Ugly step-sister!"

Before I could castrate Sir, Kate cut across me and asked, "But what do you want with Hannah, Sir?"

"Oh-ho-ho-ho!" (I was going to murder this guy soon)

"You can't be working for Orochimaru," said Kate. "Because he's dead… So why?"

"Because," said Sir. "I don't like being humiliated!"

"So… kidnapping has to do with it why?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of my desire to kill.

"I will use Hannah to lure Kisame – the cowpat who defeated me – out of hiding and then, when Kisame least expects it I will challenge him to a duel!"

Kate and I stared blankly at Sir.

"Firstly," I said. "Wouldn't it be better to kidnap Kate for things like this? And secondly, why don't you just kill him rather than challenge him to a stupid duel? Assassination is much more efficient."

Sir glared at me. "I wouldn't expect anything different from a frightened coward – duels are not for the faint-hearted such as yourself."

I would have killed Sir right then and there. I would have turned him into a pile of mince meat if I had not been distracted by the arrival of Jiraiya. The old man slid into the room, his arms outstretched like a zombie as he caught sight of me (and my beautiful chest which, I have to admit, is irresistible to any man).

"Dessie!" cried Jiraiya excitedly. "We have a date with the bed!"

"Who is he?" asked Sir and Kate in unison.

I glowered at Sir and then turned to Jiraiya. "Now's a really bad time, you know."

"I want some!" wailed Jiraiya.

Slowly, I glanced at Sir and then to Jiraiya, a plan forming in my mind. "Okay, Jiraiya. I'll sleep with you – but first you have to get Hannah back from that idiot," I pointed at Sir, "And then let me beat the shit out of said idiot."

Jiraiya glanced at me suspiciously (especially at my irresistible chest) and then he nodded in agreement. "Deal."

Kate and I stood back to watch as Jiraiya turned to face Sir. The battle between the two was brief. Sir, being a decent shinobi, managed to put up some sort of a fight, but he was no match for the perverted sage – even more so when the perverted sage had the promise of sex as a reward. Within five minutes, Sir was knocked unconscious and Jiraiya handed Hannah back to us, grinning confidently.

"Now," said Jiraiya, wrapping one arm around my shoulders. "How about we have some fun."

I smiled at him sweetly. "Jiraiya, my friend, how long have we known each other?"

He thought about this. "About twenty minutes in total…"

"Then you should know," I said. "I lie."

I kicked him between the legs. Then, while Jiraiya was trying to pick himself off the ground, I grabbed Kate and Hannah and ran like all of hell was after me.

I piggybacked the unconscious Hannah while Kate darted after me. We ran right out of the brothel and down the street. Before selling us, Deidara and Tobi had promised to wait at a ramen stall so that when we managed to escape the brothel we would know where to find them. Now, Kate and I fled from the perverted Jiraiya in search of the ramen stall. We found in easily enough, guided by the sound of Tobi's awful singing.

When we arrived at the stall we found that both Deidara and Tobi were terrible drunk and were now singing a duet much to the delight of the ramen vendor.

"Hey look!" cried Deidara, pointing somewhere in our direction. "They're back already!"

"Dessie-Nunu!" wailed the drunken Tobi. He sprinted to me and flung his arms around my neck, unaware that in doing so he had punched the unconscious Hannah in the face. Unable to hold her up, I dropped Hannah and she slid off my back and fell to the floor with a heavy thud.

"Ah!" cried Deidara, hurrying over. "Look what you did, Tobi, you idiot!"

"Oopsie!" Tobi giggled. "Tobi didn't mean to hurt Hannah-Nunu!"

Deidara squatted beside Hannah's head and prodded her forehead. Suddenly, Deidara let out a very unmanly giggle. "Who's the badass one now?"

I rolled my eyes and hit Deidara in the back of the head. "Great… Hannah's unconscious and we're being chased by a perverted sage and – on top of all that – Tobi and Deidara are drunk. We are so screwed…"

Kate nodded in helpless agreement and avoided making eye contact with Deidara.

"Who's the pervert chasing after you?" asked Tobi with a drunken giggle. "Madara will kick his ass whoever he is."

"Does it matter who it is?" I asked. "Unless Madara's sober while Tobi's drunk – which I seriously doubt – I don't think he's in any shape to kick anyone's ass."

"Bleeeeeh," groaned Tobi. "Madara is the most kickass guy around. Sober or not."

"Whatever you say," I muttered.

Suddenly, there was the sound of running and someone flung their hairy arms around my neck. I felt a wave of white hair surround me and Jiraiya, the perverted sage, cried out, "I found you, Dessie-chan!"

I mouthed "Help me" in Kate's direction, but, of course, she couldn't do anything.

Tobi, however, stepped forward and pointed rather drunkenly at Jiraiya. "What are you trying to do with Tobi's nunu, you pervert!"

"I'm trying to get what I was promised!" shouted Jiraiya in slurred tones.

"Well guess what!" shouted Tobi, his words jumbling together just as much as Jiraiya's were. "No one touches Madura's nunu without Madara's permission. Tobi's gonna kick your ass – and so will Madara!" Tobi giggled. "We're a badass pair, you know – we're going to kick your ass twice!"

"Try me!" shouted Jiraiya, still refusing to let go of me.

"This is stupid," I announced. "I'm not going to get in the middle of a drunken brawl."

"Shut up," mumbled Jiraiya. "I'm busy trying to beat up this supposed badass."

"No you're not," I told him. "You're trying to rape me."

"You owe me," muttered Jiraiya.

"Let go of Tobi's nunu!" shouted Tobi. He staggered forward and drew his fist back, preparing to punch Jiraiya. Unfortunately, Tobi did not seem to realize that my head was in the way of his fist and Jiraiya's head. And I received the full power of Tobi's drunken punch.

"Ow!" I cried, shoving Jiraiya's hands off me so that I could clutch my bleeding nose. "Dear Warg – what are you thinking Tobi!"

Instead of replying, however, Tobi collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

"Crap…" I muttered, still pinching my nose as blood spurted out between my finger tips. "So not cool!"

Deidara suddenly got to his feet and turned to regard Jiraiya and I. "Will you all shut the hell up! Hannah is sleeping! Shh…"

I glowered at him, still trying to stop the bleeding. "You're being louder than all of us put together, Deidara you idiot!"

"Shut up, whore!" shouted Deidara drunkenly.

Kate reached out a hand to pat Deidara's shoulder awkwardly (of course he face was bright red as she did this). "How about we all calm down and discuss the problem like gentlemen…"

"Hell no!" shouted Deidara. "I want to pummel each one of these idiots to death!"

"I want what I'm owed!" shouted Jiraiya. He grabbed my by the wrist, pulling my hand away from my nose so that more blood came spilling out. "Sleep with me already, Dessie-chan!"

"You bastard!" I cried, clutching my nose. "You made it bleed more!" And then, I punched Jiraiya in the eye. And, with the help of alcohol, he toppled over and lay on the ground, unmoving.

"This is too weird…" muttered Kate.

And then Deidara collapsed too.

"I second that notion," I muttered. "How about we grab Hannah and the three of us head back to the hideout alone?"

"But Deidara and Tobi…"

"Are annoying pests who I hope will learn their lesson after being abandoned and will never drink on the job again."

Kate considered this for a second. "Okay."

And that was how our mission went. Rule Number Forty-Three: Avoid Jiraiya, he is the biggest pervert you will ever meet – an even bigger pervert than Kisame and that is saying something.