He thinks his concussion is getting better. However, he cannot be sure, because every time he is healed, he's left with a headache from the way Katara's words writhe in his mind.
For a few moments, there seemed to be something almost like peace between them - it was when she asked him why he wanted to go back to the palace and a calmer exchange followed; questions and answers, like an actual conversation instead of an argument. He knows that point was only reached because she found out how he got his scar and felt some sort of pity or sympathy or whatever else towards him, but as much as he resents the reason behind that change, it was nice to not have her yelling at him for once.
And then, of course, he ruined it. What was he thinking, reminding her of the choice he made in Ba Sing Se? He picked Azula over her after she'd shown him kindness that he definitely didn't deserve from someone he'd chased tirelessly around the world, and then stood by his choice as her friend's lifeless body lay on the ground - mentioning it was practically asking to get yelled at. But he was so angry, angry at how she thought she knew so much about him after discovering one little piece of his past, angry at how she was letting that change how she acted towards him when she shouldn't have known about it in the first place, and most of all, angry at how she picked apart the things he always told himself, whenever he did something that made him feel sick to his stomach - that it would earn his father's love, that it would regain his title, that it would help him to fulfil his destiny.
She doesn't know him, but the way she tore down his justifications so readily makes it feel like she does, and as much as he hates to admit it, he doubts her words would stay in his head so incessantly if there wasn't any truth in them. In fact, all this talk of destiny reminds him far too much of the way his uncle spoke to him in Lake Laogai, his voice so angry, but void of any malice or venom - a breed of anger that Zuko has never been very familiar with.
He tries to pinpoint what exactly made him release the avatar's bison back then - was it his uncle's tone of voice? The reality that there really wasn't anywhere to hide a massive beast whose face was on hundreds of missing posters all throughout the city? The question of who he was and what he actually wanted? Even when it was happening, he doubts he properly knew why he did it, but he does remember that something seemed to shift when his uncle asked him the latter, as if the world got tilted slightly and everything fell under a different lens.
He can't seem to picture that lens now. He knows what he wants - he wants his home and his honour and his title. He wants his father to love him again, and he wants to be someone's son again. There is no self-reflection needed; his desires are clear, and they are natural for someone in his position.
A small voice in the back of his head tells him that he's avoiding the real question - the question of whether he really wants to drag himself across the world until his skin strains against his bones and he has burned down all that lays behind him, just to return to the man who sent him to do so, and is so very prepared to dismiss it all as failure.
He pushes that voice down until it's too muffled to reach him - he's gotten good at that, over the years. It is in the same way that he will push down any truth in Katara's words, any doubts about this mission, any uncertainty over his destiny - all of those things that make everything too complicated, subjective. Yet, as much as he tries, one thing refuses to be silenced - Katara's question of why he wants to return to the palace.
His answer when she asked it felt like the truth, but now, it doesn't quite seem like enough; because now, he can think back to how out of place he felt there, how terrified he was as he knelt before his father, and the way that every hallway and tapestry and servant waiting at his side only served as a reminder of how much he'd changed since he was first banished - how much he'd struggled and hid and seen.
He was always taught that the war was his nation's way of sharing their greatness with the lesser peoples of the world - that they sacrificed their men for the cause of altruism, for the greater good of the world. Yet, when he saw those lesser people, they did not seem at all grateful for what the Fire Nation had given them; no, they were angry and hurt and grieving, and they had absolutely nothing to be grateful for. He found himself feeling more of a connection with them than anyone he'd known in the palace, their fury and loss and scars all too similar to his own, the same searing pain coiled beneath their surfaces.
Maybe that is why he released the Avatar's bison in Ba Sing Se; he pushes this thought down as soon as it comes with all the power he can muster. It works, for the time being.
She has been thinking about what to say to the crew at dinner since her healing session with Zuko. After looking back on it and realising that she really was acting considerably nicer to Zuko today, she is more desperate than ever to waterbend as a way of taking her mind off things, and this means that it is more crucial than ever to convince the others on this ship to let her waterbend.
Katara has learnt things about the crew by eating dinner with them every evening. They are mostly small, trivial things that she cannot connect to a larger picture, they are things nonetheless, and she hopes they will have some use as tools of persuasion. Megu and her brother had fireflake eating competitions as children, and she can still finish a bag in under twenty seconds. Lee's father not only taught him firebending, but also how to act, as his family couldn't afford lessons for either. Kazuo plays the mandolin - a fire nation instrument, she's learned - and only found out he could bend when he was learning how to play and accidentally set it on fire out of frustration at how he couldn't get the notes right. Yet, she doubts that any of these things will help her to convince them; instead, they only serve to humanise the crew, to make them seem like real people instead of just cogs in some unfeeling war machine.
She wonders if anything she has done or said has had a similar effect on them, or if they just see her as some lowly water peasant. She knows Ikuro doesn't view her as that, but he is only one man, and his attitude to other nations and cultures doesn't seem very common in the Fire Nation. Still, it is strange to think that these people that seem so normal may have such bigotry under their skin, ready to unfurl the minute she dares to suggest that she is equal to them. In all honesty, she didn't expect the crew to be as civil to her as they are - even Akemi tends not to bother her - and she can't help but think that what was such a pleasant surprise may simply have been a facade to keep the peace. If so, will her request to do that pathetic splashing her people call bending, as the guard that took her to her cell in the Fire Nation put it, ruin that facade?
Ikuro knocks on her door to tell her that supper's ready, and as they walk to the room they all eat in, he assures her that they won't be difficult to convince. Ikuro seems like quite an intelligent man - she hopes he is right about this.
When she sits down at the table, she finds Akemi across from her, her pale brown eyes cold and sharpened with scrutiny. Katara clears her throat.
"I have something to ask you guys," She ensuring that her voice is clear and confident, the way she spoke the Earth Kingdom prisoners all those months ago, the voice she used with Aang when she showed him a new waterbending move and he grew distracted, his grey eyes faint in the daylight yet filled with something so warm, so different to the tundra she was raised in and so pleasantly unusual, like a souvenir, like something to become lost in-
She steadies herself. Aang's memory often resurfaces at strange times, without any care for convenience, and usually allows it to linger in her mind. It feels wrong to push it away, as if she is somehow rejecting him along with it; right now, though, she forces herself to.
"I wanted to know if you'd be okay with me practising my waterbending on the ship,"
Before she can continue, Lee butts in. "You're a waterbender?"
"Yeah, I thought there were no waterbenders left in the Southern tribe. We captured them all." Kazuo adds.
Katara knows that we refers to the Fire Nation, but the idea that he is happy to be grouped in with the men who took so many of her people away - took her mother away - makes her heart pound in her head. "You killed some of them too."
There are a few moments of silence. If they care about her people's deaths, the don't let on; then again, she also can't tell for sure that they don't care.
"As I was saying, I think it would be good for me to practice my waterbending. It's important that I'm in good bending condition when we visit the Southern Water Tribe, because if anything does wrong then, well… waterbending will be the most useful. And the only way for that to happen is if I start practicsng now."
Zui is the first to respond. "What kinds of bending would you be practising?"
"Just different forms, techniques… nothing that could damage the ship." She pauses and, remembering that Zui is not only the commander but the helmsman of the vessel, adds, "I could even help to speed the ship up, if that would be helpful."
"Yes, that would be helpful, actually. If you're sure it won't do any damage to the ship, I'm perfectly happy for you to practice your waterbending here, Katara."
Before she has time to give the commander a smile, Megu scoffs. "Damage to the ship? What about damage to us? We're in the middle of the ocean, for Agni's sake!"
"I'm not going to try to… damage any of you." She argues.
"Why not? We're on opposite sides of a war, and you know that you'll be imprisoned as soon as this ship returns to the Fire Nation. If I were you, I would've killed the crew and taken control of this ship ages ago."
Zui speaks before she can reply. "Now, Megu, Katara wouldn't interfere with the mission like that."
A lump suddenly rises in her throat, her heartbeat much louder than before. Zui has now spoken of her interfering with the mission twice, and each time he uses those words, the less likely it is that it is a mere coincidence. And if it isn't coincidental, if Zui knows about Azula's blackmail, then he is using those words to strike fear into her, to remind her not to step out of line, to demonstrate the power he and Azula and the Fire Nation hold over her. The polite, well-spoken man with a subtle skill for keeping order on his ship suddenly seems far less likeable.
She straightens her back and forces herself to respond. "Zui's right. I wouldn't. And if I was going to use my bending to take control of the ship, I would've done it ages ago, like you said, Megu.'
The older woman stays silent for a moment, her arms crossed over her chest, before sighing. "Yeah, fine, waterbend all you want, then. I still don't like it, though."
"Yeah, I don't like it either. But… y'know. I'm not gonna try to stop you or nothing." Lee says. Even without looking in her direction, she knows Akemi is rolling her eyes at the grammatical error - anything to feel superior, Katara supposes.
She shifts her eyes to Kazuo, who simply shrugs. "I don't mind it, as long as you don't get any water on me. It's none of my business what you do in your free time."
The grateful smile she gives him doesn't last long, because she realises that the only member of the crew she still needs to ask is Akemi - if anyone is going to be against Katara waterbending, it's her. Nevertheless, she turns her head to face her, hoping she doesn't look worried at what her answer may be.
"Akemi?" She prompts.
She simply scoffs, as if Katara is stupid for even asking. "You can waterbend all you like. It's not like you'll actually be a threat to any of us."
She is speechless for a moment. She had been so focused on the possibility that the crew would be unfair to her by not allowing her to bend like the firebenders on the ship that she didn't even consider how much more unfair they could be, how superior some of the Fire Nation see themselves as. Even though she has technically gotten the answer she wanted, she feels her face heat up in anger. "We're on a ship. In the ocean-"
"The Fire Nation managed to take all of the waterbenders in your tribe, on an arctic tundra surrounded by the sea. I'm pretty sure one teenaged waterbender won't pose much danger to any of us."
"What about the Northern Tribe? Trust me, there's plenty of waterbenders there."
Akemi stays infuriatingly smug against Katara's anger. "It's only a matter of time before we take them too. And either way, you're a southern bender, not northern."
Dozens of replies fill her head, about how she was taught by northern benders, how she is a waterbending master, how the Fire Nation's last attempt to defeat the Northern tribe was unsuccessful. Yet, she notices how much more relaxed the rest of the crew now seem, far more comfortable with the prospect of Katara bending now that they think she's no threat. Perhaps she should just allow them to think what they want, if it means she can waterbend as much as she likes; what's more, if they think she poses no danger, it means that when she figures out a way to get off of this ship that won't get her father killed, their guards will be down.
Before she can figure out what she should reply with, there is a knock at the door, to which Ikuro responds with "come in". Katara knows there's only one person on the ship who isn't already in the room, but when Zuko walks in, she still raises an eyebrow. This is a place for the crew, not royalty, and what's more, he must have walked here - something which she thought his concussion stopped him from doing.
"Um, Ikuro said to come down here at sunset. Sorry if I'm - late?" He says, standing awkwardly at the door.
"Ah, yes. Don't worry, Zuko - everyone reads the sky a little differently. I should have gotten you from your room, but I'm afraid I forgot to." He lets out a light chuckle, before turning his attention to her. "All it really is, is that Katara had something to ask."
Ikuro looks at her expectantly, and though she is grateful for the kindness he has shown her since this ship left the Fire Nation, she decides that he is also absolutely infuriating. There's no reason whatsoever why he can't just say Katara wants to waterbend here - are you okay with that? But instead, he is making her ask for Zuko's permission in front of a room full of people who have heard the pair arguing repeatedly, the situation only made more awkward with the way that the colour drains from Zuko's face at Ikuro's words.
She grits her teeth and avoids Zuko's eyes - which it quite easy, considering he is also avoiding hers. "It was just about if you'd be... okay with me practising my waterbending on the ship."
Zuko visibly relaxes, his worry at what she would possibly want to ask him melting into relief, albeit slight confusion at why he needed to come to this room while everyone is eating dinner to be asked this. "Oh - yeah, that's… that's fine with me."
She expects to feel suspicion at why he is fine with her waterbending when she holds such a grudge against him, or perhaps anger at why he, who has seen what she can do, is not worried about the possible damage her waterbending could do. Instead, she simply feels relief that he will not stop her from bending.
"Okay. Thanks." She says, the words escaping her mouth before she can remind herself that she doesn't need his permission and certainly isn't thankful for it.
He gives her a small nod and turns around to leave, mumbling something about how he doesn't want to disturb them any longer. Ikuro's voice stops him in his tracks.
"Wait, Zuko - I was wondering if you'd like to eat with us. I don't want you to feel like we're excluding you and, well… as this ship's chef, I think that food always tastes better when it's eaten with other people."
"Oh," Zuko says, turning around. There is a silence that seems to last far longer than it actually goes on for, and just when Katara decides he's going to decline, he does the opposite. "Okay... yeah. If it's okay with everyone."
The rest of the crew mumble various sounds of agreement, despite how uncomfortable the atmosphere in the room is. He must notice that Katara has said nothing, because he looks straight at her, as if waiting for an answer.
She shrugs, looking away from him. He seems to take it as a yes - she supposes she means it as that - because he goes to sit down at the empty seat next to Akemi.
"Wonderful. I'll get you some food." Ikuro says, rushing to the kitchen. A long, tense quiet follows and the rest of the crew suddenly seem inexplicably interested in their food, their eyes downcast in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Zuko. She realises how strange it must be for a member of the Royal family to sit down for dinner with them, especially considering that just a few days ago, they were discussing everything that the ex-prince had done wrong. Zuko had said there is a focus on respect in the Fire Nation; she supposes that royalty would command the highest respect, while anyone shameful and dishonourable would command disrespect. Knowing this, she has no idea how they are supposed to act towards a disgraced Prince, she judging by their actions, they don't either. Yet, as much as she understands their unease, she can't stand how awkward it all is, glancing over at how Zuko, without a bowl of food to focus on, is just staring intently at his own lap.
"I thought you couldn't get out of bed." She says, relieved that she sounds at least slightly irritated; she doesn't want to start acting nice towards him just because he seems pitifully awkward.
"Oh… well, I couldn't before, but I think your healing is helping." He replies, raising his head to look at her.
"Ah. That's good." She says, unsure of what else to respond with. The quiet returns but it seems slightly less tense, so perhaps she has achieved what she wanted. Yet, all she can think about is how, a few days ago, she would have yelled at him for using flattery, for trying to trick and deceive and manipulate her into letting her guard down, and told him that she would not fall for it. Now, she says nothing of the sort, her reply resembling civility more than anything else, despite her past adamance that she would never be civil towards him.
Ikuro returns with a steaming bowl for Zuko, and as the older man begins to chatter about the food he has prepared, everyone seems to relax. The conversation moves from spices to Fire Nation dishes to the Fire Nation in general, and it is strange to hear it spoken of with no mention of the war; instead, she learns of the way street vendors char meat and the way artisans spend hours painting intricacies on masks with gold leaf and paint, and how the sky glows when the sun hangs over the tips of volcanoes. They all speak of it with a distant sort of longing in their voices, and she realises that in prison, they wouldn't have been able to see the street vendors and artisans and glow of the sun. When Zuko joins in, uttering something about the cherry blossom trees that would bloom every spring, she realises that the way they all speak reminds her of how her and Sokka talked to Bato about their tribe all those months ago, her laughter at the memories they shared emerging from a distinct yearning for home, heavy in her chest. She wonders how it would feel so be forbidden from returning to her tribe, her family, her birthplace, and suddenly, everything seems far easier to understand - because of course Zuko would want to return to his home, to the place he can probably talk about for hours on end to anyone willing to listen. How could she expect him not to?
When she snaps out of her thoughts, the conversation has returned to Fire Nation cuisine, and Megu pulls a crinkly red bag out of her pocket as she talks about how fireflakes are the best thing to ever come out of the Fire Nation, even including tundra tanks. Zuko's eyes suddenly light up and he blurts out something about how fire flakes are his favourite food, and before he can look embarrassed at his enthusiasm, Megu offers him some from her bag. Katara watches as he takes a handful and sprinkles it onto his food, mumbling something about how he thinks they're best as a seasoning, which Megu immediately agrees with.
Everything she has learnt about Zuko up until this point fits into a larger picture, feeds into some archetype she has formed in her head. Now, she knows that Zuko likes to use fireflakes to season his food - a small, trivial fact that holds no deeper meaning, much like Megu's eating competitions and Lee's acting classes and Kazuo's burnt guitar. And instead of helping her to figure out his character or motives or weaknesses, it only serves to humanise him, to make him seem like a real person like the rest of them; like her.
—
AN: finally this chap is done! sorry for the slower update i rly forgot how much work a levels are BUT this chap is way longer than I usually write so maybe that makes up for it lol,, I'm gonna be entering a lot of poetry competitions from like now - march so i might not update loads but I'll try!
I wanted to use this chap to focus a bit more on the crew because I kinda just introduced them and then didn't mention a lot of them again.. I think most of them would be pretty civil to Katara because she's only a kid and all of them except Akemi know what it's like to be in prison and all. Obviously most of them would still be pretty indoctrinated by the Fire Nation but I think they'd also harbour some pretty negative feelings towards their country too because in my mind, the fire nation would give pretty harsh sentences for even small crimes (but I'll go more into that in later chaps I think)
I think the crew's feelings about zuko would also be pretty weird.. because he's disgraced and dishonourable and all that, they'd talk a lot of shit abt him behind his back, but when he's right in front of them i think they'd be hit w the fact that he IS still royalty and if the mission they're helping with is successful, he could be their future fire lord, so they're pretty polite to him when he's there. Anyway i'll stop rambling on abt the crew now cause I know my OCs probably aren't your guys' main interest, I just think it's rly interesting to think about the effects of the century long war and indoctrination and basically the fire nation being a dictatorship on its civilians
Thank you for reading, all faves and reviews are v appreciated!