Chapter Forty-Four: Love Guru Fails

Rule Number Forty-Four: Watch out for Kisame

Kate

Our arrival back at the hideout was less than heroic. I mean, sure, we brought back tons of money and all that, but the fact that we had gotten kidnapped by someone like Sir and left Deidara and Tobi behind as punishment. While Hidan and Kisame (and Itachi, I think he smiled slightly when we told them the story) certainly thought it was funny, Leader was less than amused. He "couldn't care less as long as money was a result".

And then, of course, Deidara was less than happy with the ways things had turned out. How was he supposed to feel when he woke up with a massive hangover in a bed next to Tobi and Jiraiya? Basically, Deidara was furious and tried to blow all three of us girls to hell. And then, Tobi felt guilty and spent a total of three days chasing after Hannah and Dessie begging them for forgiveness. I don't think he cared much if I forgave him or not (which I did).

Along with out less-than-heroic arrival back at the hideout, I also found something suspicious going on between Hannah and Kisame. The day after we returned, Hannah told Kisame she had something to tell him in private and dragged Kisame to the kitchen. When Tobi and I tried to follow, Hannah kicked us both out.

This was suspicious. It is known throughout the entire Akatsuki that out of the three of us girls, I am the closest to Kisame – so why was Hannah having secret meetings with Kisame in the kitchen!

Well, I found out the answer soon enough when Kisame pulled me aside into his and Itachi's bedroom (Itachi was lying on his bed reading, but no one really cared if he was there or not, Itachi makes sure not to get involved with others' matters).

"So is it true?" asked Kisame.

"Is what true?" I asked curiously.

Kisame leaned over and whispered loudly in my ear, "Do you have a crush on Deidara?"

My face turned a brilliant shade of red and suddenly I knew exactly what Hannah and Kisame had been talking about in their Secret Kitchen Meeting – Hannah had been ratting on me! And now, the Love Guru was plotting my demise.

"N-n-n-no…" I stammered. "I d-d-d-don't…"

"You're a horrible liar," said Kisame. "But don't worry – the wonderful and all might Love Guru is here to help!"

I cringed. "That's what I'm afraid of…"

"What was that?" asked Kisame. "I didn't hear you?"

"Nothing…"

Suddenly, Itachi closed his book and got up from his bed, giving us all a deathly glare before exiting the room. He paused, however, in the doorway and looked back at us both. "You're idiots," he declared, and then left.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

I never got to find out, for at that very moment Leader decided to call a meeting (with death threats aimed at those who arrived late). So, the Akatsuki, Dessie, Hannah, and I gathered in the meeting room to listen to what Leader had to say.

"This hideout is filthy," announced Leader.

"It's not so bad!" shouted Hidan.

"Shut up," snapped Leader. "I've seen the condition of your bathroom/sacrificial chamber and I know that you're in no shape to judge what is clean and what isn't."

Hidan glared.

"Anyways," continued Leader. "I've decided that we're all going to spend a day cleaning the hideout."

The Akatsuki grumbled and cursed, but none of them dared to cross Leader once he had made up his mind.

"Konan has a list of what all your chores will be, and I expect you all to clean your own rooms. We may be S-ranked criminals," added Leader. "But that doesn't mean we have to act like poverty-stricken street urchins who can only pick-pockets for a living."

"Yeah," muttered Kakuzu. "Because you did enough of that as a kid."

Leader glared. "I have no problem will killing you – even if you are a part of the Akatsuki."

"I don't know why you'd do such a thing," said Kakuzu innocently.

"Hm…"

The Akatsuki checked their names on the chore list supplied by Konan and then they set to work. Just as I started to leave the room to help Dessie and Hannah with their job of cleaning the living room, Kisame stopped me at the doorway and pulled me to the side.

"Guess what," he hissed.

"What?" I asked, somewhat nervously.

"Deidara and I are supposed to be cleaning the toilets together!"

"So?"

"So," said Kisame impatiently. "That means that you and I can trade places and you can clean toilets with Deidara. You can confess to him."

I stared at Kisame incredulously. "You want me to confess my love over a toilet bowl!"

Kisame nodded enthusiastically.

"You must want me to get rejected, don't you?" I muttered.

"Now why would I want that?" asked Kisame, somewhat forcefully.

But, of course, I had absolutely no reply to that question. And so, I found myself kneeling on the disgusting bathroom floor next to Deidara scrubbing toilets together (such a romantic setting).

"I think we should just blow them up!" cried Deidara. "Then we wouldn't have to clean these shitty toilet bowls."

I blushed bright red and stammered uselessly, "But th-th-then we couldn't go to the bathroom…"

Deidara shrugged. "We can just go squat behind a tree outside."

My face turned even brighter red. "B-b-but I'm a girl!"

Deidara glanced at me and looked up and down. Then, after a minute, he turned back to the toilet and continued scrubbing. "So you are, I never noticed before."

I blinked, stared, and then turned a brighter shade of red. Deidara thought of me as a girl! Slowly, I opened my mouth and began: "Deidara, you know, I sort of l–"

SLAM!

The bathroom door flew open and Kisame fell – face first – onto the mucky bathroom floor. Behind Kisame, Hannah down the hallway outside of the bathroom, whistling innocently. She glanced down at Kisame's fallen body and grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry Kisame, I didn't mean to push you…"

Kisame leapt up and glanced at the toilet and then at Deidara and then at me. "You missed a spot!" he exclaimed and then darted out.

Deidara and I finished cleaning the toilets soon after and Deidara was moved to laundry duty with Itachi, while I was forced to clean with kitchen with Konan. However, while I was in the middle of scrubbing out the cupboards, Kisame came hurrying into the kitchen dragging Itachi behind him.

"Itachi has developed a sudden allergy to grass," explained Kisame. "And he needs to change places with Kate."

Konan glared at Kisame and then turned to Itachi. "Are you really allergic to grass?" she asked.

"Hn…" was all Itachi said.

"That's a 'yes'," translated Kisame.

"I thought that was a 'no'," said Konan. Then she shrugged. "I don't care. As long as I have help."

So, once again, Kisame took me from my regular job and stuck me with working with Deidara. And, once again, Deidara thought that blowing up all the laundry was the best solution (blushing and stammering I assured him it was not).

"You have no sense of art," Deidara told me grouchily.

"We're c-c-cleaning," I told him. "It's not s-s-supposed to be art."

I pinned another sheet on the clothesline while Deidara did the same with yet another Akatsuki cloak. We continued working in silence for awhile, neither one of us knowing what to say. Finally, I gritted my teeth and decided to get it over with – at worst, it would be another rejection.

"Deidara…"

"Uhn?"

"You know, I think I like y–"

SPLASH!

An entire bucket of disgusting and dirty smelling water fell on top of Deidara and my heads. We both stood there, side by side, completely frozen in anger and dripping wet. Slowly, we raised our heads to see Kisame and Zetsu standing out the roof of the hideout (they were cleaning out the gutters) and tipped over bucket clutched in Kisame's hands.

"Sorry!" he called out, waving apologetically at us. "It was an accident!"

Deidara was fuming. "What the h–" But before Deidara could threaten or curse Kisame, I beat him to it.

"Kisame, you idiot fish fry!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "What kind of a failure Love Guru are you! You can't even give me one successful confession without interrupting it miserably! What is wrong with you!'

Kisame scowled and, in one smooth movement, he jumped off the roof and came to stand in front of me. "You don't appreciate the Love Guru's efforts?" he asked angrily. "Well maybe the Love Guru doesn't want to help you any more. Maybe your love fortune is so terrible that the Love Guru can't even save you from the misfortune and despair you're bound to experience in the areas of love!"

"What are you talking about!" I screamed.

"I'm saying that I quit!" Kisame shouted back. And with that, he turned around and left me standing there, gawping at him.

Zetsu and Deidara stared at me quietly and then returned to their work.

"I really think this would be easier if I just blew up the laundry," muttered Deidara.

I felt like crying. Big fat tears welled up in my eyes and, before Zetsu or Deidara could stop me (not that they tried) I ran back into the hideout in search of Dessie or Hannah.

I found Hannah first (she was cleaning out the Meeting Room with Kakuzu) and I flung my arms around Hannah's neck, sobbing uncontrollably. She patted me awkwardly on the shoulder while mouthing "help me" in the direction of Kakuzu.

"I'm staying out of this one," he told her and headed off to the kitchen for a well deserved break.

"So what happened?" asked Hannah when she had finally managed to detach herself from me.

"Kisame quit being my Love Guru!" I wailed.

"Isn't that a good thing?" asked Hannah. "Kisame is a crappy Love Guru."

"No!" I said, still sniffling slightly. "Kisame's mad at me now! Why is he mad at me? Tell me! Why is Kisame mad at me?"

Hannah snorted. Rule Number Forty-Four: "Beware Kisame's angst."

"What?"

"Nothing," said Hannah with a knowing smirk. "Why don't you go find Kisame and ask him why he's filled with angst?"

"Because," I snapped angrily. "Kisame's mad at me. You know what, you're no use. I'm going to go find Dessie and see what she has to say!" And with that, I turned on my heels and stormed off in search of Dessie.

As I reached the door of the Meeting Room to leave Hannah behind, she called out one last thing to me: "Like Dessie can help you – she wouldn't realize if a guy loved her even if he confessed to her several times over!"

"What does love have to do with it?" I snapped back.

Hannah just laughed.

I found Dessie easily enough (she was having yet another shouting argument with Hidan while they attempted to mop the hallway floors). I stood there, staring at the two of them as they tried to lop one another's heads off with the mop handles. To be honest, even though they were shouted death threats at one another the entire time, they looked like they were having fun.

"Oh hey, Kate," said Dessie when she caught sight of me. She called a halt in the "Mop Fighting Champion Showdown" to stop and talk to me. "What's wrong?"

"Kisame quit being my Love Guru."

"Oh." Dessie laughed. "That's good. Kisame is a crappy Love Guru." (Behind her, Hidan nodded his head in agreement).

"And I think he's mad at me."

Dessie laughed even harder. "He's not mad at you. He's just messed up in the head."

"What?"

"Go ask him," said Dessie as she turned back to Hidan, raising her mop above her head as if about to strike someone. "Besides, I have a Mop War to finish."

With a heavy sigh, I left Dessie and Hidan to their games and went to search for Leader instead (maybe Leader was willing to help me with my problems). Leader was easiest of all to find since he was, as always, sitting in his office going through boring documents. I knocked on the door and stepped inside – Leader didn't even greet me.

"Leader, I need your help."

"Whatever it is," he said. "I don't care."

"Kisame quit being my Love Guru."

"I don't care."

"And I think he's mad at me."

"I don't care."

I stopped and sighed, apparently no one cared but Kisame and me. "Okay, thanks for your help, Leader."

"I don't care."

And with that, I left. I searched through the hallways and found Kisame standing in the kitchen talking rather angrily with Itachi and Konan (both who looked very, very irritated by Kisame's presence). When they caught sight of me, I swear both Konan and Itachi wanted to sprint across the kitchen and hug me and thank me (which neither of them did, of course). Instead, they just walked out of the kitchen and shut the door behind them, leaving Kisame and me alone.

"You quit being my Love Guru," I announced.

"Yeah. Way to point out the obvious."

"Why?" I asked rather pathetically. Tears were started to well up in my eyes again. "Are you mad at me?"

Kisame scowled. And scowled harder. And scowled harder yet. Then, his face turned a deep shade of purple and he said, rather grouchily, "I kind of sort of may happen to like you just a little bit."

I stared. And stared some more. And then, my face turned a brilliant shade of red. "Oh…"