XVII. Burning Desire
Diana didn't stick around to watch the car pull away. She hurried quickly into the brick building in front of her. She felt ashamed and scared at the same time. In her mind she cursed her cowardly responses. She wanted to believe every time before her next encounter with her Aunt that this time she would be strong enough to bite back. She sighed as she walked down the long carpeted hallway to Doctor Klien's office.
Every time, every single fucking time she caved in, she gave into Daryl's wishes. Maybe there was still a part of her that wanted to believe that she could be cured. Maybe she was just too weak to live her life open and out to the world.
Diana involuntarily shivered as she felt a sudden chill in the hallway. She felt a rush of memories. She remembered being 14 traveling down this same hallway on numerous visits to Doctor Klein. Her Aunt would always beside her raining disapproving comments on Diana's shoulders. Diana knew that the involuntary shivering happened because of the air vents in the hallway and their differences in temperature. However whenever Diana walked down a hallway and happened to shiver was always associated with nausea and cold sweat.
She was close. Around the corner in a little hallway of its own, was Doctor Klein's office. She stood at the end of the small hallway and reluctantly started putting on foot in front of the other. Her mind was tossing her in two different directions. She had to go to the appointment to escape Daryl's wrath but she could choose to skip out, but that was like choosing to run barefoot across a room of glass shards instead of hot coals. She was going to be in pain either way.
Diana reached the door and opened it against her stomach dropping inside of her. The door opened up to a small room with a couch, recliner and a few small tables. The room was lined with shelves full of musty books and small sculptures made of glass. A person was sitting in the recliner facing away from Diana, the sound of a ballpoint pen resonated from the chair. As she closed the door, the smell of leather furniture invaded her nose. When the door closed with a loud thump, the sound of pen on paper stopped.
Diana stood there holding her breath. She was unprepared for the amount of fear and repulsiveness her body was experiencing. Shit, how the hell had she gotten through years of this?
The figure in the recliner swirled around to face the door; it was Doctor Klein. He was an older man with a worn, clean-shaven face and mahogany eyes. He had a pair of bifocals and an old school pocket watch. He wore a brown Tweed jacket with a pair of dress pants and matching shoes. He regarded Diana in a detached, clinical way, before scribbling something down on his small pocket notebook. Diana stood there waiting and glanced around the room. Trying to avoid the stare of a man who had mentally ripped her apart in the past.
"Diana. It's good to see you. Please take a seat." Doctor Klien said gesturing to the couch.
Diana moved to the couch and quietly sat down. She was anxious; every session was different from what she could remember but they were all terrible in their own way. Diana sat up straight and looked at the Doctor who was scribbling once again in his notebook. Diana then leaned one of the arms of the couch with her elbow.
"So tell me how you've been? I understand you are at Luna Nova." Doctor Klien said with little emotion as he looked at Diana over the rims of his bifocals.
Diana sighed this detached clinical approach was very familiar. "I am doing fine. I like Luna Nova, it's a wonderful school." Diana said matter-of-factly.
The doctor wrote something down again and decided to probe further.
"I see. Who do you spend most of your time with at school?" He asked.
"I spent most of my time with my two friends, Hannah and Barbara." Diana answered, she had a sinking suspicion that he was going to try and use this against her.
"Ahh yes. I remember you telling me about them in many of our other sessions. It's good that you have kept in touch. Have told them that you have same-sex attractions?" Doctor Klien asked, waiting for a response.
"Y-yes. I have." Diana said frankly, her cheeks warming up in response. Doctor Klien was like Aunt Daryl in a lot of ways. Diana could never tell what his endgame was.
"I see. How does that make you FEEL?" He asked with an emphasis on the word "FEEL".
Diana's stomach felt like it was swirling around over and over again. Diana tried to tell herself that he was a quack and not to let him get to her. All she had to do is get through the session, fake it to Daryl and she would be back at school in no time. Yeah, she could do this. She fooled them once.
"It makes me feel… glad." Diana sputtered, what was she supposed to say? That it felt bad? What sense did that make?!
Doctor Klien's eyes furrowed and he scribbled more down.
"Now, in our last session you seemed to have gotten over your same-sex attractions. However, your Aunt thinks that you are slipping back into your old habits. What do you think? Do you think she's right?" He asked with a hint of bemused curiosity in his voice.
Diana's lips suddenly felt dry, it was unnerving to hear amusement in his voice. She really had to be convincing on this.
"I think she's overreacting. She's just paranoid."
"Why does she think you are regressing? Do you know?" Doctor Klien asked.
Diana involuntarily swallowed. This had to be a trap. Did he already know about the ball and suit affair? Or was he going to pretend to know something to see her reaction? Shit.
"I have no idea." Fuck. That was the wrong choice. Diana knew it from the moment she said it.
Doctor Klien smiled slightly and flipped back a couple pages, eyebrows raised.
"Let's see. You wore a men's suit to the recent school dance. A suit which you had tailor made, on top of that you danced with and kissed another female student. Based on this and several other incidents your Aunt has informed me of, it's clear that you have hit a serious regression in your progress."
Now she had every reason to be afraid. The scary part was that Diana didn't know how much he knew. If she was caught in another lie that could lead to major repercussions later. She would just have to tell the smallest part of the truth she could to get by. Diana tried to shove the fear out of her mind.
"Now last time we met, be it was years ago, we talked about how the relationship with your parents plays an important role in how you approach relationships with others." Doctor Klein stated, flipping back several pages in his notebook.
"Yes, I remember." Diana said, it wasn't a conversation that she liked to remember. She didn't need someone else trying to tell her how she should feel.
"If you remember, then what did I say about your mother?" The doctor asked, forcing Diana to recall his "wisdom".
"You told me.. that my mother's death had a ripple effect on my relationships with others." Diana stated, feeling squeamish when he approached the topic of her mother.
"Yes, more importantly, that since you resent your mother for leaving you that, you seek the relations with other women to fill the void that she left behind." Doctor stated with absolute confidence.
Diana knew that she didn't resent or blame her mother for passing but it was an example of one of the many things that Doctor Klien distorted in her mind and eventually beating it into Diana's brain.
"And we also discussed how your father wasn't present in your life, during some of your most formative years. Do you resent him for that?" He asked, pen at the ready.
Diana was visibility conflicted, she didn't even have the chance to know her father, he was dead.
"How can I? I-I never got-" Diana stated, naturally her deductive brain leading her, to the logical answer.
"Surely, you must have some opinion of him. Be honest." Doctor Klein, pushed. Diana thought back to what she did remember: her mother.
"I don't resent him. He must have been kind or my mother never would have married him. She always talked about him with fond memories." Diana said with eyes to the side, staring through the carpet, back at memories of her mother's voice. Diana wanted to fight to keep what little memories of her mother she had away from his clutches, even if he had managed to twist some of them to fit his and Aunt Daryl's agenda.
"Really?" He said, narrowing his eyes at Diana, attempting to strangle the truth out of her with his stare.
"As I recall, you said you resented your father." Diana looked away, she remembered saying this after the Doctor had dismantled the few other memories she had of her father and beat it into her that he was neglectful and hated her.
"Afterwords, we came to the well founded conclusion that because that because of him you have a misguided distrust and hatred of men in general. This coupled with your view of your mother is the root of your same-sex desires. Now that we are back on the same page we can start toward real change." He concluded flipping to a fresh page in his notebook.
Diana tried to contain the seething hate for the Doctor. What was the point of this "conversation" if he was just going to tell her what to think and how to feel?
"Now back to school. How do you feel about attending an all-girls school?" He posed with a small smirk.
"Why don't you cut to the chase and tell me how I should feel about it?" Diana snapped, momentarily feeling the relief of getting it off her chest.
The doctor stiffened up and showed a small frown. Scribbled something down this time with noticeable force. He then set aside the pen and notepad. Diana's breath hitched as the doctor moved closer to her.