Chapter Forty-Eight: The Broom of Misfortune

Rule Number Forty-Eight: Deidara and Zetsu don't get along

Hannah

"I have a mission that need filling."

Everyone glanced around nervously as Leader stared around the room. He was in a bad mood since Deidara and Zetsu woke him up early. Apparently, Zetsu snuck into Deidara and Tobi's room early in the morning and tried to take a bite out of Deidara's foot. Well, of course, Deidara freaked out and set off several bombs, which then woke Tobi up and Tobi started shrieking at the top of his lungs. The fight didn't end until Leader dragged himself out of bed and silenced them all himself.

Now, everyone was gathered in the Meeting Room, prepared to brace themselves for Leader's wrath. Then again, Dessie thought the whole ordeal was hilarious and she and Kakuzu kept making side comments to one another and laughing while Leader glared down Zetsu and Deidara.

"This mission involves kidnapping," continued Leader stiffly. "There is a woman called Rina who lives in the Earth Country – in Iwa. She holds information pertaining to the tailed beasts."

"So you're going to send out a team to kidnap her?" asked Kisame.

"Shut up and yes," said Leader wearily.

Tobi raised his hand in the air and hopped about wildly. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Unfortunately, Tobi," said Leader, a sick and twisted smile crossing his face (I had a bad feeling about this). "I have already selected the three people who will be sent to kidnap Rina…. Deidara, Zetsu, and Hannah."

Yep, I definitely had a bad feeling about this…

Leader adjourned the meeting and the Akatsuki filed out of the room, most of them laughing heartily at my expense. I went to my room to pack for the trip and Dessie and Kate followed me, giggling all the way.

"It could be worse," said Dessie. "You could be sent with Hidan…"

"I'd take Hidan over Deidara and Zetsu any day," I muttered.

"What if it was Hidan and Deidara together?" asked Kate. "Two hot heads on one trip – you'd never see a moment's peace."

"Great…" I grumbled. "Always look on the bright side of life. Instead of being sent on a mission with two fighting idiots, I could be sent on a mission with two-hot headed idiots…"

Dessie snickered.

"That kind of mission belongs to Dessie and Dessie alone," said Kate cheerfully. "She belongs with the hot heads."

"What are you saying?" asked Dessie darkly.

"Nothing."

I finished shoving my supplies into my shoulder-bag and turned to my friends with a slight scowl on my face. "If I don't return, it's because Zetsu and Deidara murdered me."

"They won't murder you," pointed out Dessie. "Just each other."

"Or maybe their love is so painful that it killed Hannah!" cried Kate.

They both doubled over with laughter and, on my way to the exit, I aimed a ferocious kick at their knees. Which, of course, they both dodged with ease.

"It's nice to know I have so sympathetic friends!" I called out as I left the room and made my way down the hallways of the hideout to the front door where Deidara and Zetsu stood waiting.

They were both glaring daggers at one another, probably trying to figure out how best to assassinate the other one while making it look like an accident. I rolled my eyes at the two of them and stormed past, pretending that they were nothing more than annoying gnats that I had to put up with.

"So," said Deidara. "We're going to the Earth Country."

"Iwa," added Zetsu's white half.

"To kidnap Rina," said Deidara, glaring at Zetsu.

"And bring her back for Leader to interrogate," added Zetsu's black half.

"And I know all this, so why are you repeating it?" I asked them both angrily. "Dear Warg, you're going to give me a headache before the first day is through."

"We could get to Iwa in a day," said Zetsu. "If we could run."

"Well, excuse me for being slow," I muttered. "I'm not a shinobi and I'm not the one who sent me on this stupid mission."

"That's a problem easily fixed," said Deidara. And, before either Zetsu or I knew what was happening, Deidara lifted me right off the ground and slung my onto his back. I wrapped my arms around his neck ad clung on tightly, my eyes wide in horror.

"What are you doing!" I wailed.

"Piggy-backing you," said Deidara. "To make the journey quicker."

"I'll give her a piggy-back," snarled Zetsu irritably.

Deidara grinned wickedly. "But Zetsu, your Venus flytrap body prevents you from piggy-backing anyone! Sorry, but this responsibility falls on me."

And with those oh-so-joyous words, Deidara began sprinting through the forest at ninja-speed and Zetsu, filled with rage, ran after us, his yellow eyes narrowed. I clung tightly on to Deidara's back and groaned. Yep, this was going to reach a whole new level of ridiculous.

As Deidara promised, we reached Iwa in a day. However, locating Rina was another story. We rented out two rooms for the night and, after an extended argument and many death threats, we decided that I should have my own room and Deidara and Zetsu should share one. However, if either one of them was to die, I would never speak to the other again and would probably murder him in his sleep. So, with that compromise, we all went off to bed for the night.

When the next morning came, we rose from our beds (both Deidara and Zetsu had survived the night in one piece – I didn't want to know any of the details of what went on in that room) and set out to the village to see if we could locate Rina.

Leader had given us a very loose description of her: brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, mid-thirties. And, as we wandered through the streets of Iwa, we found several people who met that description. Deidara and I questioned each one of them in a subtle manner while Zetsu hung back in the shadows and tried not to be seen (he is a very difficult person to go on missions with).

"Hello," said Deidara sidling up to one of the women we found that matched Leader's description.

She looked at us through her icy, blue eyes and said, "What do you want, bastard?"

"Dear Warg," I muttered under my breath. "She sounds like Dessie."

"That's not true," hissed Deidara. "If it were Dessie she'd squeal and say 'What do you want, Blond-Hottie!'"

I let out a snort of laughter. "And, at one time to date, has Dessie called you a Hottie?"

"We all know she's thinking it…"

The women scowled at us both and snapped, "What do you want? Don't stand there a whispered about me, you shitheads!"

"Oh, right," said Deidara. "I forgot about you."

The woman slapped him across the face and stormed off.

I laughed and chased after her, grabbing her by the wrist, I asked, "What's your name?"

"Hitomi."

Deidara caught up with us, rubbing his cheek where there was a nasty-looking red hand print standing out brilliantly against his pale skin. Hitomi snickered when she saw Deidara's face and she asked again, "What do you freaks want?"

"She's fine," said Deidara.

I let go of Hitomi and, with a bemused expression, she disappeared into the crowd, leaving Deidara and me alone. We slipped through the street into the side alley where Zetsu waited. Zetsu took one look at Deidara's scarlet cheek and snickered.

"You're a failure with women," said Zetsu.

"You're one to talk," snapped Deidara. "You can't even marry a woman who loves you!"

"We should eat him," muttered Zetsu's black half. "All of him," added the white half. "Until there is nothing left. Om-nom-nom."

"You people are weird," I muttered. "Come on, let's go find Rina."

"We've been looking for the bitch all day," grumbled Deidara. "Why can't we call it quits already and go get some sake, uhn."

Zetsu smirked and stepped between Deidara and me. He turned to Deidara, so that I could see their faces, but Zetsu's voice was smug as he said, "Well that's fine, Deidara. We will search for Rina with Hannah and you can go drink sake."

They exchanges silent glares that I couldn't see and then Deidara stepped past Zetsu to drag me away down the alleyway back out onto the main street. Over his shoulder, Deidara called, "You can't search for Rina, Zetsu. One look at your ugly-mug and all the Rinas of the world will go running in the opposite direction, uhn."

And, with that exceedingly cheerfully farewell, Deidara and I returned to the streets to search for more Rina-look-alikes. We interrogated two more before we decided that this mission was, in fact, rather useless. So, the three of us made our way down the main street to a bar (this made Deidara very happy, as you can imagine).

We found ourselves a table and sat down, ignoring the weird stares we received from the staff and customers. Zetsu was – er – a little bit eye-catching. We might as well carry around neon signs that say: Hello, we're the Akatsuki freak show! Feel free to stare as long as you would like!

"Hello, my name is Rina and I will be your waitress for this evening."

Deidara turned, with a stiff smile, to order three sakes. The waitress, a petite woman in her mid-thirties with long brown hair and blue eyes, smiled and hurried off to fetch our order.

"Er…" I glanced at Deidara.

Zetsu snorted and the black half said, "We should eat dense people. Though they are very tough to chew."

"Ew…" said Deidara. He turned to me and wrinkled his nose. "What is the cannibal talking about?"

I rolled my eyes and flicked Deidara in the back of the head. "Our waitress is the Rina we have been looking for, moron."

Deidara looked over at the counter, where the waitress was filling out our orders and then looked back at me, his expression dumbfounded. "You're kidding…" he muttered. "Do coincidences like this happen, uhn?"

"Apparently," I muttered.

Rina made her way back across the restaurant to place the three bottles of sake on the table. She smiled kindly at us and turned away to go fulfill someone else's orders, but before she could get far, Zetsu rose to his feet and stood in front of her. (And believe me when I say that having a gigantic Venus flytrap standing in front of you is very terrifying).

"Can I help you?" asked Rina nervously.

"I'm afraid I can't let you leave," said Zetsu grimly.

"Aw, come on, man," said Deidara. "Can we at least have some sake first?"

"No," I snapped, glaring at Deidara. "We're getting this stupid mission done with now. Zetsu, get the woman. We're going."

Zetsu smiled at me and started to capture Rina, but before Zetsu could touch her, Deidara stopped him.

"I'll take care of this one," said Deidara expertly.

"Hannah told us to get her," said Zetsu's white half.

"Hannah obviously forgot that you don't have arms," pointed out Deidara cheerfully. "So, I'll take over that responsibility for you – we have to look after the handicaps, you know."

Zetsu shoved Deidara to the side and gnashed his teeth angrily in Deidara's direction. "We don't need a handicap. We're a much more capable shinobi than you."

Deidara grabbed a piece of clay out of his side-bag and waved it in front of Zetsu's face threateningly. To his credit, Zetsu did not seem at all intimidated by the clay, but Deidara kept on talking. "I will blow you to smithereens right here and now if you don't back off," snarled Deidara.

"And we will devour your every molecule if you don't back off," said Zetsu.

"I'm not afraid of a potted-plant."

"And we're not afraid of a blond fur ball that looks like something a cat coughed up!"

Deidara started to form something with his clay and Zetsu ground his teeth together. The two prepared to fight to the death in the middle of a bar, armed and dangerous. I sighed heavily and patted Rina comfortingly on the shoulder before slipping into the backroom. A minute later, I returned and Deidara and Zetsu were still slinging insults at one another. Rule Number Forty-Eight: Deidara and Zetsu don't get along – ever.

"You're nothing more than an overgrown flytrap!" shouted Deidara. "With an ugly-as-shit Oreo cookie shoved inside!"

"And you're nothing m–"

Whack! Whack!

Zetsu never got to finished his sentence, because at that moment, I slammed the wooden handle of a broomstick into the side of Zetsu's head and then, on the rebound, I slammed the handle into Deidara's forehead. They both stood there for a moment, staring at me blankly, and then collapsed to the floor unconscious.

"Well…" said Rina slowly. "Aren't you impressive?"

I leaned on the Broom of Misfortune and rolled my eyes. "And that's how a woman handles her men."

"Men?" asked Rina. "As in multiple?"

"I'm just that popular."

Whack!

I slammed the handle of the broom into the side of her head and watched as she collapsed to the floor too. I picked her up off the ground and carried her awkwardly on my back. I kept the broom at the ready, just in case any of the staff or customers thought to attack me. However, they were all staring at me in horror, too shocked to do anything. I shrugged and, with Rina in tow, I carried her out of the bar leaving Deidara and Zetsu behind.

"And this is why I have never had a boyfriend before. Drama will be the death of me…" I muttered and piggy-backed Rina all the way back to the hideout on my own.

Leader happily interrogated Rina and, a day later, Zetsu and Deidara crawled back to the hideout ashamedly and begged for forgiveness – which, of course, I didn't give them.