Chapter Forty-Nine: Princess Hours

Rule Number Forty-Nine: Tobi makes a good sacrificial lamb

Dessie

I knew. The moment I opened my eyes that dreaded Thursday morning, I knew. My throat was on fire and my nose was running like a river. My head felt as though it might burst at any time and my whole body ached miserably. Yep. Beyond a doubt, I knew that I had a cold.

The common cold, also known as nasopharyngitis, acute viral rhinopharyngitis, acute coryza, or just a cold, is the bane of my existence. It makes my entire life absolute hell.

I lay in bed that Thursday morning groaning and hugging my pillow tightly as the fever raged and my nose dripped. Yep, right from then on I knew that I was in for a very, very, very bad day.

"Come on, Dessie!" wailed Kate. "Breakfast is ready…"

"And I promise Kisame did not make anything pertaining to seafood," added Hannah, kicking the end of my bed.

"Maaaaaaarmmmmm…" I groaned and rolled over, wrapping the sheets around me. "Get me… tissues…"

Both Hannah and Kate froze. They stared at me – at my puffy eyes, running nose, tangled hair, and pale face – and, without a doubt, they knew what ailment had me bedridden this morning.

Kate screamed. And Hannah fled the room. They slammed the door behind them and I was left alone, tangled in my bed sheets to my impending doom (yes, I know what wonderful and loyal friends I have – to come to my aid in a time of desperate need…).

"Who is screaming this early in the morning?"

I heard footsteps outside the bedroom door and the deep voice of Leader drilled into my brain.

"We were screaming," said Kate. "But not without reason…"

"And what," said Leader, his tone low and deadly, "Merits screaming this early in the morning? I need my beauty sleep, you know."

"Dessie has a cold."

There was a pause. Then, slowly, Leader said, "So what does that have to do with screaming?"

Kate sighed heavily and I imagined Hannah patting Leader on the shoulder pityingly. Finally, it was Hannah who explained the situation to Leader. "You see," she said. "When Dessie has a cold…things can get very scary. I suggest you keep your distance and – er – send in a sacrificial lamb to take care of her."

"Sacrificial lamb?"

"Ms. Wendy used to hire someone for the specific purpose of being the sacrificial lamb when Dessie was sick… It was a renowned position throughout the city."

"No one wanted to job," added Kate. "Ms. Wendy paid a lot of money for it."

"A lot," emphasized Hannah.

"Did I hear something about a lot of money?"

The deep, memorable voice of Kakuzu joined the others outside my bedroom door. His heavy footsteps came to a halt and – for a moment – my aching head found peace. Then, Hannah decided to break the silence by saying: "Yes, but it doesn't involve you."

"Anything that has to do with a lot of money involves me," pointed out Kakuzu.

"Dessie's sick," explained Kate.

"Then send Tobi in to take care of her," said Kakuzu. "No one cares if anything bad happens to him."

"Hmm…" said Leader thoughtfully.

"S-s-some people care what happens to T-T-Tobi…" pointed out Kate.

"Well," said Leader grimly. "I don't. Kakuzu, have Tobi get Dessie some tissues and stuff. I'm actually kind of curious to see what has Hannah and Kate running scared."

"Everything has Kate running scared," said Kakuzu.

"But Hannah too?"

"Oh yeah… Hannah doesn't get scared as easily…" Kakuzu thought about it for a moment. "Fine. Now I'm curious too. I'll go get Tobi."

There was a stampede of footsteps leaving the door and I was left alone with no voices to distract me from my agony. I rolled over in bed and buried my face in the pillow groaning. I felt like shit. Yep… deep shit…And with that, I drifted off into a deep sleep…

There once was a pretty servant girl named Dessie. She hadn't always been a servant girl. Once she had lived in a big, expensive mansion with her rich father and her equally as wealthy mother. But, one day when Dessie was not but a small child, her mother passed away of an illness, and Dessie and her father were left alone.

They lived happily together for some time, but Dessie's father felt that she needed a mother to care for her. So, he remarried. However, the woman he married was secretly a nasty, detestable woman who hated Dessie and spoiled her own two daughters (Hannah and Kate).

Dessie's life became miserable and he father did not realize it, since Stepmother hid her cruelties so well. The only moments of happiness in Dessie's life was when her father would talk to her and read her stories in the evenings. But then, one day, Dessie's father died in a mysterious accident and Dessie was left alone with Hannah, Kate, and her evil Stepmother.

The years passed by and Dessie was forced to become a slave to Stepmother and her daughters. Dessie dressed in rags and was forced to subdue her overwhelming and spectacular beauty (because Stepmother was so jealous).

But even if her outside was plain at the moment, on the inside Dessie was–

"This is so stupid!" I screamed, throwing the broom against the wall and watching it snap it two. "There is no way – in this whole shitty planet – that I will ever be forced to subdue my beauty. Hello? I'm gorgeous! A couple of rags couldn't cover up this face of perfection!"

There came the sound of footsteps on stairs and I looked over to see Hannah entering the kitchen.

"Aren't you supposed to be upstairs waiting for me to bring you breakfast?" I asked irritably.

"Like hell I will," said Hannah, rolling her eyes. "Besides, you can't cook to save your life. Remember the bread pudding you made?"

I cringed. "My nose will never be the same again."

"Yep." Hannah popped some bread in the toaster and leaned casually against the counter top. "So, I guess I'm playing the role of the ugly-stepsister."

"It suits you," I said cheerfully. "I get to become the beautiful princess and you get to become the villain."

"That is true," said Hannah thoughtfully. "You know how much I love the villain roles…and they suit me and my personality so well." (Insert chuckle of evilness here)

The toast popped up and Hannah left, waving good-bye over her shoulder. She made sure to trip me up on her way out (just to emphasize her evilness). Only minutes after Hannah was gone, Kate came sprinting down the stairs into the kitchen, wailing at the top of her lungs. She flung her arms around my neck and cried: "Dessie, I don't want to be the ugly-stepsister!"

"Well," I said awkwardly. "You can hardly help it."

"Make me a mouse instead! You know I had a crush on Jacques when we watched the Cinderella movie!"

I smacked my forehead. "You still have a crush on Jacques?"

Kate nodded her head enthusiastically.

"Pervert," I muttered and detached her from hugging me. "You shouldn't act so friendly towards me – I am the girl you're supposed to be evil to."

Kate frowned. "But I don't want to be evil! I want to be good!"

"Kate…"

"Fine!" she cried, folding her arms across her chest and marching upstairs angrily. "Hannah and I will revolt against these awful roles! Just you wait and see!"

"Hannah likes being an ugly step-sister…" I muttered.

Dessie worked and worked her life away in her father's mansion. She wasn't allowed to go out and have fun and her only friends were the animals that lived on the estate – (I can assure you that I kicked the dogs and fed poison to the mice) – And then, one day, a royal carriage pulled up outside the mansion and one of the king's men invited all the young ladies of the household to attend a royal ball so that the prince may select his future wife.

Stepmother, Hannah, and Kate were thrilled – (I can assure that Hannah was less than thrilled at the idea of dressing up and going dancing) – and they prepared excitedly for the ball.

Dessie was excited to go too (a chance to show of her stunning good-looks), but Stepmother declared that Dessie could only go if she finished all her chores and had a dress to wear. Dessie worked her fingers to the bone to finish all her chores while her mice friends stitched her a dress using their colossal teamwork – (I threatened the other servants to do the chores for me and then stole one of Kate's dresses to wear),

But when sweet, kind Dessie went downstairs to attend the ball, her stepsisters went into a rage at how beautiful she was (understandable) and they tried to rip Dessie's dress to pieces (and she promptly punched them all in the faces and ran off into the sunset, laughing all the way).

The Stepmother and her daughters left Dessie sitting on the steps of the house in a tore dress and unable to go to the ball. Dessie wept in misery (I most certainly did not!) and then, suddenly, with a sparkle a woman appear in front of Dessie waving a magic wand.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked.

"I am your fairy godmother."

"My fairy whatsimijiggy?"

She woman scowled slightly and tapped her wand impatiently against her thigh. "I am your fairy godmother and I am here to help you!"

I looked at her face, which was wrinkled with coarse gray hairs growing out of her head. And then I looked at her dress, which was blue and puffy. And then I looked at her feet, which were abnormally large. And, finally, I said, "No thanks – I don't accept help from ugly people."

The fairy godmother's face turned a vivid shade of purple and she cried, "Aren't you supposed to be kind and friendly and so wonderful that all the animals heed your call."

I snorted. "I'm selfish, vain, and cruel and so awful that all the animals heed my call – because they're terrified I'll beat them up if they don't. I find that violence works so much better."

"And look where it got you now," said the fairy godmother, pointing at my tattered dress."

"This?" I asked, pointing at the worn fabric. "This is because the plot narrator wouldn't let me do things my way. If things were done my way – I'd be the tyrannical mistress of this house with Stepmother as my slave and Hannah as my right hand villainess and Kate as – er – my jester."

The fairy godmother gazed at me for a moment. "I only help sweet, little innocent girls. I'm leaving. I'd say it was nice to meet you, but it wasn't – so, good-bye."

"Hold on a second," I said, getting up from my seat on the steps and walking across the lawn to catch hold of the fairy godmother by the dress. "You can get me to the ball."

"So…" she said slowly.

"So," I said. "I need a new gown, some new slippers and a coach to take me to the ball. Oh, and I might need some coachmen to drive me there… Hmmm…"

"And why would I give you all that?" snapped the fairy godmother angrily.

I grinned and – smack! – punched her in the mouth. She tumbled backwards and lay on the ground. When she sat up the corner of her lip was bleeding and she stared at me incredulously.

"What are you doing!" she wailed.

"Quit your whining," I said. "You are going to give me what I want or I will wake you life a living hell!"

"You awful b – brat," said the fairy godmother. But, she got to her feet and waved her wand and I found myself standing there in a beautiful blood-red dress with two glass slippers. With a whistle, the animals of the estate came fearfully to my side and the fairy godmother transformed them into fearful humans instead.

"Why is my dress red?" I asked irritably. "Isn't it supposed to be blue?"

"Nothing could match you better than a red dress," said the fairy godmother unhappily.

"Oh-ha-ha," I grumbled. "Shut the hell up, bitch."

In order to help the poor, sweet girl, Dessie' fairy godmother waved her wand and gave Dessie a beautiful new gown, a beautiful coach with young men to drive it, and, of course, she gave Dessie two gorgeous glass slippers to wear. And, dressed in style, Dessie headed off for the royal ball to meet her prince charming.

The moment Dessie entered the grand hall she was the talk of the ball. Everyone was talking about the mysterious beauty who had captured the prince's heart. Dessie was ecstatic (after all, who didn't love being referred to as the mysterious beauty). And, as the final dance of the night arrived, Dessie was asked to dance by the prince himself! (HOTTIE!)

The two fell in love, but at the moment the clock struck twelve, Dessie was forced to flee, leaving behind a precious glass slipper – the prince's only means of locating Dessie.

Back at the mansion, Stepmother and her two daughters arrived back from the ball in a rage. Stepmother locked Dessie in her room and refused to let Dessie out. Kate was terribly jealous of Dessie while Hannah didn't care at all (she simply wanted to lock me in my room for the sake of being evil).

The next morning, the prince arrived at the residence. He was having every maiden in the city try on the glass slipper and whoever it fit was his true love (clearly this prince has never heard of people having the same shoe size).

But as the stepsisters tried on the slipper one-by-one, Dessie was locked in her room with no escape. Luckily, her animal friends were there help–

"I am not getting shitty help from my shitty animals friends!" I screamed. "How many times do I have to tell you that all the animals hate me! They're probably laughing at me and plotting my demise! And I can get out of this stupid room myself!"

And with that, I kicked down the door and sprinted to the downstairs. Stepmother, Hannah, and Kate looked at me in surprise.

"How did you get out of that room?" asked Stepmother incredulously.

"Who the hell do you think I am?" I snapped. "I can kick down a shitty door no problem! No give me the shoe before I murder all you bitches."

With a trembling hand, the prince handed me the glass slipper and I tried it on – it was a perfect fit. I turned to him with a smile on my face (he looked rather petrified) and said, "Ha-ha! I was the bitch from last night – now marry me, Hottie!"

"Er…" The prince edged towards the door. "She must have the same shoe size as my true love…"

"Trying to back out of this now!" I cried and punched him in the face.

His nose broke and he crumpled to the ground, crying helplessly.

"Why is the prince such a wimp?" I asked angrily. "I don't want to marry a weakling Hottie!"

"I'll marry him!" said Kate.

"What happened to Jacques?"

"I think you fed him to the cat for fun last week…"

I grinned. "He squealed like a little girl!"

The prince sat up on the floor, wiping away his tears and screaming at the top of his lungs, "Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!"

I kicked him in the side of the head to shut him up. And then, I turned to regard the army of guards who were now out for my head… I'm pretty sure this isn't how Cinderella was supposed to end up…

"Dessie-Nunu! Dessie-Nunu! Please don't kill Tobi, Dessie-Nunu!"

I opened my eyes and found myself standing in the middle a hurricane wreckage. Or, at least, that's what I thought it was. A moment later I realized that the wreckage was, in fact, my bedroom. However, the beds were upturned, the door had been ripped off its hinges and the pillow had been torn to shreds with the feathers floating around the room. The entire Akatsuki and Hannah and Kate stood in the doorway watching in horror as I tried to tear Tobi's head off his neck.

"Er…" said Kisame awkwardly. "Is this why we should be very afraid when Dessie has colds."

"Yep," said Hannah grimly. "We call them the Princess Hours…"

"Which fairytale did you dream about this time?" asked Kate.

"Cinderella," I said. "You two were the ugly step-sisters…"

"Why does a princess fairytale end up with such a violent sleepwalker?" asked Konan curiously.

"Because it's Dessie."

"Ohhhh," said Konan as if the realization had just dawned on her. "I understand."

"You should have seen her when she thought she was Mulan," said Hannah. "She used the kitchen mop as a sword and cut open all the walls and furniture with it… And then there was the time she thought she was Snow White…"

Kate snickered. "And she ran around the house hitting Ms. Wendy on the head saying – you perverted little men – and the like."

Tobi slipped out of my strangling grip and sprinted across the room to hide behind Hannah. "Why is Dessie-Nunu so scary when she's sick! Tobi was terrified!"

"Don't worry," I said grinning at the wreckage. "I'm all better now."

"At least her colds are short," said Hannah. Rule Number Forty-Nine: "Tobi makes a good sacrificial lamb."