Chapter Fifty: A Foreign Intruder

Rule Number Fifty: Don't let Kisame cook often

Kate

I, Katherine Anne Marie Collins, declare Mondays to be the single worst day of the week.

It was somewhere around dinner time and I was bored to death. Leader had finally managed to get Dessie to fix our room after her disastrous Princess Hours. Hannah decided it would be fun to watch Dessie work while I was forced to prepare lunch for the Akatsuki. I think Hidan was in the middle of a sacrifice (big surprise) and Kakuzu had gone on a quick trip to the bank to make sure he was getting the proper interest. Itachi was reading. Kisame was feeding his sword (I swear, he treats that thing as if it were his own flesh-and-blood child) and Deidara was making some more exploding clay. Tobi was, I suspect, with Dessie and Hannah trying to get them to play House with him. Zetsu was – er – eating. And, lastly, Leader and Konan were working.

So I was left alone to my gruesome work of making lunch. At least Zetsu had the courtesy of preparing his own. Kisame offered to cook for me, being the kind boyfriend that he is, but I didn't want to eat any more seafood. Rule Number Fifty: Don't let Kisame cook too often – you will die of seafood overload.

The door to the kitchen opened and – speak of the devil – said boyfriend slipped inside.

"Hey, Kate," he said, grinning and revealing all of his pointy teeth. "How's lunch coming?"

"Good. Want to help?"

"Can I add salmon to the curry?" he asked.

"Adding salmon to chicken curry is not a good idea," I reminded him for the umpteenth time. "Er… maybe you should just watch."

Kisame sighed and leaned against the counter next to me while I measured out the necessary spices. Kisame smiled fondly and said, "Look at my honey; she's cooking like a proper woman."

I turned to glare at him (a rather pitiful thing coming from me). "Don't tell me you're ne of those sexist types."

A sly grin spread across Kisame's face and he moved over to wrap his arms around my waist playfully. "And what do you mean by 'one of those sexist types'? Hmm?"

I grabbed the knife I had been using to cut the chicken a waggled it at Kisame's arms threateningly. "I'll cut off your fingers if you keep playing around in the kitchen you know."

"You couldn't cut someone if you tried," said Kisame.

"I–"

"FREEZE!"

Kisame and I froze.

We stood there – Kisame with his arms wrapped around my waist and his head resting on top of mine and me holding my kitchen knife threateningly – and then we turned our heads, slowly, to stare at the door of the kitchen.

A man stood there, dressed in a navy-blue uniform and holding a shiny black gun. The gun was outstretched in his trembling hands, pointing at Kisame's and my heads, prepared to shoot at any moment. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead under his curly brown hair.

I glanced at Kisame nervously, but his dark eyes were fixed on the police officer's face.

"What are you doing here?" barked Kisame angrily.

"Don't move!" shouted the cop.

"I think he's a little surprised to see us," said Kisame, his arms still wrapped tightly around my waist. "Obviously he's stunned by your incredible good-looks."

My face turned bright red. "And here I th-thought it was because he saw a thirty-two year old blue shark-man hugging a twenty-year-old girl… That's got to scream s-s-sexual harassment…"

"Are you really that much younger than me?" asked Kisame. "Hmm… Maybe I have a Lolita Complex…"

"Silence!" shouted the cop, his hands shaking more violently now. "And you," he added, addressing me now. "Put the weapon down!"

Slowly, I turned my attention to the knife clutched in my hands and then to the cop. "It's not me you need to worry about, sir. If I were y-y-you, I would put your weapon down – before you get hurt."

"Are you threatening me?" asked the cop darkly.

"N-n-n-no…"

And then Leader brought his fist down on the back of the cop's skull. We watched at the cop crumpled to the floor unconscious. Leader prodded the police officer scornfully with his toe. Leader looked up at Kisame and me and said, "We have a meeting in ten minutes. Bring this guy along with you. Oh, and don't do perverted stuff around the food." Then, Leader left.

"We have a problem."

Kakuzu snorted and kicked the now-conscious police officer roughly. "You think? What the hell is this bastard doing here? Isn't he one of those cop-people from your world?" He directed the question towards Hannah.

She nodded and eyed the cop warily. "He must have used the portal…"

"How, uhn?" asked Deidara.

The cop struggled against the ropes that bound him and let out several cries which were muffled by the kitchen-towel that was tied around his mouth. I felt sorry for him, but then again, he had pulled a gun on Kisame and me.

"Why don't we just ask him?" said Hannah and, without warning, she stepped over to the cop and pulled the kitchen-towel off his face.

The cop gasped for breath and stared up at Hannah fearfully, tears welling up in his big brown eyes.

"Aw look!" exclaimed Hidan. "The bastard's going to cry!"

"Don't be a shithead!" shouted Dessie, punching him in the arm. "Who's going to ask him questions?"

Automatically, everyone turned to Itachi, who was the best at extracting information. With a sigh, Itachi moved closer to the cop and stared down at the poor man through his blood-red eyes. After a minute or two of just staring, Itachi finally asked, "What's you name?"

"K-K-Kevin Black…"

"Can we kill him yet?" asked Hidan.

"How about we eat him," said Zetsu.

Itachi ignored both of them and continued asked Kevin questions. "How did you get here?"

"I stepped inside of a floating blue sphere and… and… there was this, darkness… and then, nothing… and thin, when I opened my eyes, I was lying on a cement floor… I wandered about for a bit and found them–" he jerked his head in Kisame's and my direction, "Spooning in the kitchen."

The Akatsuki fought to restrain laughter as they glanced at me.

"Spooning?" asked Deidara. "You two were spooning?"

Kisame grinned confidently while my face turned a brilliant shade of magenta and I buried my face in Kisame's side.

"How did you find the blue orb?" asked Itachi, ignoring all distractions (like I said, he was the best interrogator – everyone else gets sidetracked far too easily).

"The police…" murmured Kevin. "Have the house where you criminals disappeared in staked out. They've been investigating the place for months now and they've yet to find anything… And then, I wandered across the blue orb…"

"So, basically," said Leader rather bored now. "Police officers will keep finding this blue orb until we do something about it…"

Everyone nodded grimly.

"Then shouldn't we send someone there to do something about it?" I asked timidly.

Leader considered this. "I suppose we should."

"Oh! Oh!" Tobi waved his hand in the air wildly. "Tobi wants to go! Tobi wants to go!"

"Er… No." Leader glanced around the room. "Is anyone else volunteering?"

Much to everyone's surprise, Kakuzu raised a stumpy hands into the air to catch Leader's attention. Leader stared at Kakuzu in surprise and then, finally, he asked, "You want to go Kakuzu?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "I haven't seen Ms. Wendy in awhile."

"Oh," Leader groaned. "Right, your true love."

There was scattered laughter around the room as everyone envisioned Kakuzu-In-Love. Let's just say the image did not end well. In fact, if I might admit, it was kind of a little frightening.

"You don't know what love is!" declared Dessie, pointing at Kakuzu angrily.

"I don't?" sneered Kakuzu.

"No!" snapped Dessie. "You're just in love with my – and soon to be Ms. Wendy's – money! Money is your only love not Ms. Wendy!"

"Yeah? So?" Kakuzu stared at Dessie blankly, not quite understanding her point of concern.

Dessie glared at Kakuzu and then, after a moment, she walked across the room past Kevin and kicked Kakuzu in the shins. He swore and clutched his shins, hopping around the room madly while Dessie walked back to her place in the circle in between Deidara and Itachi.

"Well," said Leader. "Now that we have one volunteer… anyone else willing to go?"

"Hn…"

I gawped at Itachi, unable to believe what I had just heard.

"What!" cried Deidara, pointing at Itachi (rather rudely, I might add).

Kisame just rolled his eyes dramatically and whacked Deidara on the back. "For those of you hard of hearing," said Kisame. "Itachi just said that he thinks it would be interesting and since the mission needs someone with a level head, he'll go."

"You got all that from one 'hn'?" muttered Deidara incredulously.

"I'm levelheaded!" shouted Kakuzu, still clutching his shin.

"Hn…"

Kisame chuckled. "He says that you kill people too easily and, if Itachi is there, you will have some restraint."

"The Uchiha can talk for himself!" roared Kakuzu.

"Now, Kakuzu," said Kisame, waggling his index-finger warningly. "We all know that Uchiha's are incapable of normal human speech and therefore much resort to the 'hn' language for communication."

"Bullshit!" (this was Hidan joining in the conversation)

"Even food can talk better than Itachi." (Zetsu's black half)

Kevin looked ready to wet his pants as he sat on the floor, staring up – wide-eyed – as the criminally insane Akatsuki argued about whether 'hn's were a form of communication or not.

"Silence or I will rip out shreds of your flesh and feed them to Kakashi Hatake's ninja dogs – then I will tie you to a gigantic boulder and leave you there for the dogs to hunt you dogs and slowly eat you alive."

"Or you can just unleash the Zetsu on them," added Hannah.

Leader glared at her and Hannah shrunk into silence.

"So," said Leader. "I have already decided on the Go to Earth and Deal with the Glowing Blue Orb Team – otherwise known as GEDGBOT, We have Kakuzu, who volunteered, Deidara–"

"Why do I have to go?" asked Deidara. "Aren't I a wanted terrorist there?"

"Is that a change from this world?" asked Dessie nastily.

"Did I not say to shut up?" snarled Leader. And, of course, everyone shut up. Leader glared at them all before continuing. "Kakuzu and Deidara and Itachi… and…" Leader glanced around the room. "Kate."

"EH?"

Before more arguments could break out, Leader continued to explain his decision, "Dessie's too obnoxious and Hannah is known on the missing list. Kate is the best for an Earth mission. End of story. Now, moving on to the issue of Kevin Black here."

The cop's eyes grew wide and he turned to stare at Leader fearfully. Leader, however, cared little for Kevin's safety and continued talking.

"I nominate that we kill him."

"What?" I wailed. "You can't just kill him!"

"Why not?" asked Leader. "We most certainly can. He's just a useless character that the author made up for the sake of moving the story along – we are most certainly allowed to kill him."

"But… but… he's a living human being…" I tried to explain but you can't explain the value of human life to the Akatsuki – they just don't really care. In my last bit of desperation, I turned to Kisame and wailed, "Help me!"

"Er…" Kisame glanced at Leader awkwardly. "Well, yeah, we should, um, spare the dude's life… I guess…"

"That wasn't very convincing," muttered Dessie.

"Kisame's just saying that because his girlfriend told him too," snapped Deidara.

"It's b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t," snapped Hidan.

"Yay! You can spell 'bullshit'," cried Dessie, clapping her hands excitedly. "I'm so proud of you Hidan, you passed second-grade."

"Shut the hell up, bitch!"

"And he has the vocabulary of a middle-school kid," added Dessie. "Isn't he just so clever?"

"Dessie…" said Hannah warningly. "Don't mess with Hidan. I really don't feel liking cleaning up yet another one of your blood baths today. And Hidan," she added, rounding on the other party of this fight. "I don't mind incapacitating you and taking away that manly pride of yours."

While Hidan scuttled away from Hannah back to his place in the circle beside Kakuzu, Deidara grinned and wrapped and arm around Hannah's shoulders. "Aw, she's so adorable, uhn. Can we take her to Earth instead?"

"No, we're keeping her," said Zetsu's white half. Zetsu pushed his way between Deidara and Hannah and glared at Deidara coldly. "Hannah is staying with us."

"This is stupid," said Hannah and she walked right past both of them to go stand beside Kakuzu in the circle. "Are we going to kill the cop or not?"

Leader sighed. "All in favor say 'aye'."

There was a chorus of 'aye's from the Akatsuki (except Kisame) and from those who were opposed there came a few scattered 'nay's (from Hannah, Dessie, Kisame, and me). With a smile, Leader declared that Hidan was permitted to sacrifice Kevin to Jashin-sama later – after the meeting was adjourned.

"Stupid Jashin," muttered Dessie. "Warg is far better than Jashin! He will crush your pathetic god into tiny bite sized pieces!"

"Jashin-sama is mightier than Warg!" screeched Hidan. "Who is Warg – the god of the daisies?"

"Jashin is the god of the bunny-rabbits!"

"Warg is the god of the rainbow!"

"Jashin is the god of marshmallows!"

"Warg is the god of – of – of pretty purple paper!"

"Jashin is the god of pink clouds!"

"Warg is the god of – of animal crackers!"

"Oh yeah?" Dessie grinned triumphantly. "Jashin is the goddess of peace and harmony."

"AH!" screamed Hidan, covering his ears in horror. "Blasphemy! Blasphemy! I will behead you, heathen! How dare you breathe such words of blasphemy about the all powerful Jashin-sama!"

(Insert evil Dessie laugh here). "I won, bastard! I won! You're pitiful Jashin is no match for the mighty Warg!"

Leader sighed and rubbed his temples wearily. "Why can't you all shut up?"

Dessie and Hidan stopped trying to behead each other and turned to stare at Leader blankly. Finally, Hidan found his voice and said, with a huge grin on his face, "Because this is fun."

The entire Akatsuki and their fake whores crowded into the basement. I nervously stood at the front of the crowd, squished between Itachi and Deidara. The blue orb however in front of us, casting a faint blue glow across our faces. Kakuzu looked sort of eager to go – I guess he did have the supposed love of his life waiting on the other side. Deidara looked reluctant to go and he kept shooting glances over his shoulder at Hannah and Zetsu (Zetsu kept smirking victoriously at Deidara). Itachi, on the other hand, looked just plain bored with the whole affair.

"Are you ready?" asked Konan. "You remember your – er – mission."

"Yeah, yeah," said Deidara, waving off Konan's words. "Stop people from getting through the stupid orb. We know, uhn."

"Can we go now?" asked Kakuzu. "I don't want to be around while Hidan sacrifices that stupid bastard to Jashin."

"Don't insult my god!" shouted Hidan, but before he could punish Kakuzu appropriately, Kakuzu stepped into the blue orb and – with a flash of light – vanished.

"One down, three to go," said Hannah darkly.

"You have anything you want me to say to Ms. Wendy?" I asked Dessie.

Dessie snorted and scowled. "Tell her that the least she can do is make sure Blake has a happy life and to enjoy my money."

"Hey, Zetsu!" shouted Deidara.

Zetsu turned to glare at Deidara, his yellow eyes flashing in anger. "What do you want?" asked the black-half irritably.

"When I get back," said Deidara. "I'm going to skin you alive and feed you to you cousin – Mr. I'm-A-Bigger-Venus-Fly-Trap-Than-Thou! Eat that you shithead prick, uhn!" And then Deidara jumped into the blue orb leaving a stunned looking Zetsu and a rather amused-looking Hannah behind.

"They're all idiots," muttered Itachi before he followed Deidara and Kakuzu.

"He spoke!" gasped Dessie. "Hottie spoke!"

"He said a whole one word," grumbled Leader. "That's hardly impressive."

"For Itachi, it is," said Kisame.

"Finally!" wailed Dessie, flinging her arms around Kisame's neck in a hug. "Someone who understands!"

"Hey!" I cried. "Don't make a move on my boyfriend while I'm gone!"

Dessie let go of Kisame and turned to grin at me villainously. "Come back in one piece, bitch, or your boyfriend is mine."

Kisame rolled his eyes and, without warning, lifted Dessie right off the floor. She shrieked and struggled against his grip, but he ignored her. Slowly, Kisame carried Dessie across the room and set her down in Hidan's arms (both Hidan and Dessie look as though they had been hit over the head with a hammer; then they proceeded to try and kill each other as always).

"Stay safe," Kisame told me, ignoring the squawks of Dessie and Hidan as they tried to lob off one another's ligaments.

"I will," I promised him, a warm blush working its way up my cheeks as I realized the rest of the Akatsuki were watching us. "And don't hit on any women while I'm gone."

"Wouldn't dream of it," said Kisame innocently.

"Don't worry," said Hannah, patting Kisame comfortingly on the shoulder. "If he does, I will personally maim him until even his fishy friends cannot recognize him as a sea-critter. Trust me, Kisame, if you hurt my friend I will put you in a world of hurt so painfully that you can't even remember what it was like to live without agony." Hannah smiled sweetly and then walked away, avoiding Tobi's attempt at a hug.

"Er… yeah…" said Kisame awkwardly. "See – how am I supposed to cheat on you with that lurking in my shadow!"

I giggled. "See ya." And, before I could think, I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and sprinted into the blue orb so that no one could see my blush. There was a flash of bright blue light and then I was hurtling through darkness towards a whole different dimension.