Summary of Events: With the goal of returning to Earth, Dessie, Hidan, and Kisame jumped into the blue orb. However, they found themselves in a whole new dimension - Wargonia!

Chapter Fifty-Five: Welcome to Wargonia

Rule Number Fifty-Five: Don't ever create fake gods because it can come back to bite you in ass

Dessie

So, let me get this straight. After stepping into a glowing blue orb Hidan, Kisame, and I wound up in a different dimension called Wargonia which is filled with Wargonians who worship the god Warg. Warg also happens to be the name of the god I made up to spite Hidan. Warg is also the rival god of Jashin. Jashin is Hidan's god. Kisame and I know Hidan. We are Jashinists by association.

And this is why the three of us are currently hiding behind a dumpster being chased by angry Wargonian soldiers who are trying to hunt us to extinction. Oh, fun times…

"Hidan, you suck."

"Shut up, Kisame."

"Well…" said Kisame is a whisper. "You have to admit that it is pretty epic. Dessie makes up a god and the god turns out to be real."

"Hidan made up a god too and his god turned out to be real," I said.

"Jashin is real! I didn't make him up!" roared Hidan.

"Shh!" hissed Kisame and I.

"Warg is ten times more of a badass than Jashin," I muttered. "I mean really, Warg was made up on the spot! And instead, he turns out to be the god of an entire dimension with a whole civilization devoted to him! With a big metal cities and a glowing symbol – isn't it funny that the symbol of Jashinism is the reverse of Warg?"

"Warg's symbol is the reverse of Jashin's symbol," Hidan corrected me.

"The glowing symbol at the top of the temple does make me curious," muttered Kisame, ignoring Hidan entirely (as we all tend to do).

"It's probably just there for decoration," I said, shrugging. "You have to admit that it looks cool."

"Jashin has a glowing symbol above his temple too!" roared Hidan.

"Shh – and no, he doesn't," I said. "Jashin doesn't have any temples."

"Then I'll build him one," snapped Hidan. "I'll build him a bigger and more badass temple than Warg has ever dreamed of – and Jashin's symbol will be ten times more impressive than Warg's."

"You do that," I muttered. "But I bet you'll fail."

"Jashin will give me strength!" said Hidan.

"Both of you shut up!" roared Kisame through his teeth. "The soldiers are passing!"

The three of us drew closer to the dumpster that we were hiding behind. I peered out underneath Kisame's arm and I could see a sliver of the street where the Wargonian soldiers – with their gray skin and snow white hair – ran through the street, their armor clunking heavily.

I held my breath, afraid that if I were to breathe, the Wargonians would hear me and I would blow all our cover. Behind me, Hidan shifted uncomfortably, squatting on his haunches and staring out at the road over my shoulders. Kisame was to my left, his cool arm pressed against mine. We were all compacted together, waiting and hoping…

And then Hidan lost his balance.

And he fell on my back.

Which caused me to leap up and kick him in the chin.

The Wargonian soldiers saw us.

Oops.

"Run!" screamed Kisame and, before Hidan or I could register what was happening, Kisame charged into the crowd of Wargonians and drew his sword, cutting off the heads of each and every one that he could reach.

"Yea-ha!" Hidan sprinted after Kisame, and, with scythe in hand, he showed those Wargonians exactly why they despised Jashinists (because Jashinists are badass fighters).

Well, of course, not wanting to be left out, I joined the fray. Kick a guy here… Kick a guy there… Maybe throw in a few punches… Yeah, I could do this… I mean, how hard is it to beat the shit out of a couple soldiers? No, that wasn't the issue – the issue was that more soldiers started to amass around the scene and soon, Kisame, Hidan, and I, would be overwhelmed with Wargonian soldiers.

Now, I am not the brightest of sorts and I do like violence – but I'm not suicidal. I took one look at the second wave of soldiers heading our way and screamed, "FLEE!"

And that's exactly what we did.

Reluctantly Kisame, Hidan, and I stopped our battles and fled the scene of action (which, as you know, is a very difficult thing for the Akatsuki to do).

"I'm immortal!" screamed Hidan as we sprinted through the streets of the city. "I could have stayed behind!"

"I'm sure they know how to deal with Jashinists!" I shouted back. "The Wargonians have been fighting Jashinists since the founding of your religion!"

"Warg will kill you all!"

We screeched to a stop in the middle of the road, unable to move further do to the barricade of civilians standing in front of us. They leered and jeered, more than ready to tear us to shreds if necessary. However, it seemed as though they were waiting for something.

"What the hell…" groaned Kisame. "Is everyone here out to kill us?"

"We're Jashinists, remember?" said Hidan triumphantly.

"I am not and never will be a Jashinist," I said stubbornly and Kisame agreed whole-heartedly.

"Shitty people, don't insult Jashin-sama," muttered Hidan and then he added. "Today, since you're with me, we're all Jashinists."

"Great…" I groaned. "And look where Jashin got me so far."

"Look where Warg got you so far," corrected Hidan.

"Shut up, asshole!"

The barricade of civilians froze. Their bodies suddenly tensed and a wild looked crossed their eyes. On the other side of us, Wargonian soldiers approached, but, at the same time as the civilians, they too stopped moving and stood perfectly still.

"Warg…"

A great murmur of the god's name rose up among the crowds and they shuddered violently.

"The great god Warg, bring down your power upon us all… So that we made destroy the foreigners…"

Their hair seemed to grow whiter and their faces grayer until they seemed almost godly compared tot their former selves and, when they stopped shivering and opened their eyes, the irises were no longer black, but a vivid shade of bright red.

"Holy shit…"

"Dessie – why can't you do that?"

"Kisame, I am going to kill you – but only if the Wargonians don't beat me to it–"

Behind us the symbol of Warg (a circle inside of a triangle) blazed brighter in the sky. It flared and flickers and then – suddenly changed to black. A black light, glittered and glowed, like the color of onyx.

And then – only then – did the Wargonians attack.

Civilians from one side and soldiers from the other. Dozens and dozens of people fell upon us. Kisame swung his sword about wildly, blasting water in all directions, and Hidan whipped his scythe around, taking blows as his saw fit. I, of course, was completely overwhelmed.

The Wargonians – their movements – were completely different from earlier. They were faster, smarter, stronger, and all around better than before. What could I, a mere human, do?

One Wargonian hit my in the gut. The air rushed out of me and I gasped for breath, my knees buckling beneath me. Another Wargonian tried to grab me, but I swatted his hand away and staggered back to my feet.

"Don't – you – dare!" I roared between gasped of air. "Touch – me! Or – I will – kill – you – where – you – stand!"

The Wargonians laughed.

"What can you do to us?" they asked.

Somehow, by some amazing burst of strength I hadn't known I possessed, I grinned. I laughed and smiled at them and then, turning to the largest of the group that surrounded me, I said, "I know your weak spot."

The guy blinked and stared at me confusedly. "I don't have a weak spot."

"Maybe she knows about your medical problem…" said another slowly.

All at once the Wargonians cringed and looked at the guy pityingly.

I kept on smiling, not knowing what they were talking about, and, as the largest Wargonian rounded on me in anger, I said, "Don't tell me I didn't warn you!" Then, I kicked him between the legs.

There is something quite satisfying about seeing a man twice your size rolling on the floor and groaning in agony. It was a sense of power, of invincibility, that encouraged me to kick him again (even he already looked pathetic enough, I didn't see any reason not to heighten his humiliation).

"Ha-ha-ha!" I cried, jabbing him in the ribs. "Who the big man on campus now, shithead?"

And then, one of the Wargonians struck me from behind.

The blow – on the back of my skull – did not knock me unconscious. Though, I think things would have been much better if it had. The world spun wildly for a minute and someone grabbed me by the wrist. There was an explosion of pain – not just in my head – but in my shoulder too.

Someone shouted… I don't know who… And then, slowly, the fuzziness went away and I was standing up right on my own two feet with a whirlwind of hell going through my head.

"Hidan!" I mumbled thickly. "Kisame! Let's go…"

I don't think they heard me. Blood was trickling down my shoulder where someone must have cut me. It stung, rather painfully, and my arm prickled with warmth as the blood passed over my skin.

"Hidan…" I muttered, barely struggling against the strong, gray arms of my captor. "Kisame… I'm going to doe…if this keeps up…"

And then Hidan melted to my side.

I can't say Hidan has even been the sort whose actions and movements could be described with the word "melted". I mean, he's a wild, violent guy – grace and ease are not his style.

But, as the world around me faded and fuzzed and intensified and sharpened intertwiningly, and I say Hidan's face next to mine and his red scythe swinging this way and then, I could not help but think that this psychopathic criminal Jashinist might just be a bit cool…

"Hey, bitch!"

Before I knew what was going on, the weight of the Wargonian's arms was lifted from me and I was staggering about on my own for a moment. Then, a pair of familiar arms lifted me right off the ground. And then everything went black.

"Why do I have such a bitching headache?"

I groaned and, clutching my aching head, I rolled over. Sand and stone met my lips and I sat up abruptly, eyes wide with surprise. The world came back into focus and I found myself sitting in a sandbank on the rocky terrain of a mountainside.

"Where the hell am I?" I asked, my words slurring together as if I were drunk (which very well could have been the case).

"You look ugly."

I leaned back until my head hit the edge of a boulder and I could use it as a mediocre chair. Then, I lolled my head to the side to see the purple eyes and silver hair of Hidan.

"You're one to talk – you look like you just got beat up by a shit ton of Wargonians – oh wait… your face always looks likes that."

"I regret saving your life," said Hidan grouchily. "All you do is bitch about it."

"Have you not gotten used to my personality by now?"

Hidan flipped me off.

I lay there for a moment gazing up at the red, red sky. The sun was somewhere around midday and the violent color of blood. Wargonia… who would have thought…

"Hey, Hidan?"

"Yeah?"

"Where's Kisame?"

There was a pause. Then, slowly, Hidan said, "I sort of accidentally let the idiot get captured by the Wargonians…"

I groaned. "Aw, crap. Now we have to go back and rescue him."

"Or we can just leave him there," suggested Hidan hopefully.

"I would love to," I said. "But you do realize that Kate would go psycho and murder me if I let her boyfriend be killed."

"She can't be that scary…"

"Mr. Nibbles."

Hidan shuddered. "Oh, right… I forgot about Mr. Nibbles."

"Never forget about Mr. Nibbles," I said solemnly. "If you ever forget about him Kate will eat you alive – she could join Zetsu and form the Union of Crazy Ass Cannibals."

"UCAC," said Hidan. "And we can be the Society of Heinous and Insidious Religious Freaks."

"SHIRF?" I asked. "You can join, but I'm not gonna." Suddenly, I groaned and wiggled uncomfortably against the boulder. "We should get going. I want to get back to the hideout before I have to see anymore of the crazy Wargonian shit."

"Aren't you Wargonian?" asked Hidan.

"Do I look like I have white hair and gray skin to you?" I snapped. "I'm a Warg worshipper, but not Wargonian."

"Whatever you say, bitch," said Hidan, getting to his feet. "Fine, let's go save Fish Fry."

"Yay…" I muttered. Rule Number Fifty-Five: Don't ever create fake gods because they might turn out to actually be real with an army of followers who are out to kick your ass from Warg to Jashin.