Summary of Events: With Deidara, Tobi, and Kate headed for a new dimension, in Wargonia, Dessie and Hidan are faced with the slight issue that Kisame has been kidnapped.

Chapter Fifty-Eight: The Temple of Warg

Rule Number Fifty-Eight: Put Hidan's immortality to good uses.

Dessie

"Alright," I whispered. "Blood-Red, do you read me?"

"This is stupid. I'm right next to you."

"Hidan, goddamnit – use the codenames!"

Hidan scowled and looked ready to murder me, but he said, in a resigned voice, "Yes, I read you, Hottie-Hunter, loud and clear."

"There," I said, patting him on the shoulder. "It wasn't that hard now, was it?"

The two of us were crouching behind a bush in the little sculpture garden behind the Temple of Warg. We had managed to kidnap two guards and tortured them until they gave us information on Kisame's whereabouts. Then, after we had gotten the information we needed, Hidan was permitted to sacrifice them to Jashin (the final revenge against those Wargonians! [insert evil laugh here]),

"Okay," I said, whispering in case any Wargonians passed by. "You remember the plan?"

"Bitch," snapped Hidan. "I'm not that stupid. Your plans are hardly complex."

"Good. With you I wasn't sure if you could remember it – no matter how basic it seems."

"Yeah… yeah…"

"But in all seriousness," I said. "Remember that we could die. So, Hidan the Immortal, try not to get decapitated, because I'm not Kakuzu and I can't stitch you back together."

Hidan's face suddenly grew all straight and serious. He turned to me and said, grimly, "Don't be concerned about me, Dessie."

"Like hell I am!"

"The one you should worry about is yourself," continued Hidan as if I hadn't spoken. "Unlike me, you aren't immortal. If you get stabbed in the heart or the lung or some other vital organ, you could die. If your head gets damaged, you could die. If you get poisoned, you could die. If you lose too much blood, you could die. If you experience too much pain, you could die. If–"

"Hidan…"

"Anyways, just in case your mortal self dies, I want you to know…" He leant over and pressed his lips to mine. Then, a second later, he pulled away. "I love you."

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

"Don't joke with me, asshole!"

And with that I punched him in the head and had the satisfaction of watching him fall of his ass while I sprung to my feet and laughed maniacally. "You look like a sitting duck, you perverted shithead!"

Hidan, however, was laughing too, just not at the same things I was. "You should have seen your face!" he cried. "You were all serious! What's he going on about? What's Hidan thinking? Oh my Jashin, he kissed me! Hidan the Gorgeous Sexy Hidan just kissed me!" He fell over with more laughter.

"Shut the hell up, you man-sized ape!"

"Over there! Look! Over there!"

Both Hidan and I froze in our attempts to kill each other and looked over our shoulders to see the Wargonian guards sprinting through the sculpture garden towards us. Apparently our fighting was a little too loud…

"Well," I said, getting to my feet and dusting off. "Shall we get to it, Blood-Red?"

"We shall, Hottie-Hunter."

"See you on the other side." And with a salute, I left Hidan to his work and sprinted away through the garden while he filled his role of the escape plan: Don't die.

You see, my dear readers, the thing with Hidan is that he cannot die. You can chop off his head, stab him with a thousand spears and rip his body into tiny little pieces the largest no bigger than your thumbnail – and Hidan will still be alive. So, with all this in mind, Hidan makes the perfect distraction for a rescue mission. You see, he runs around in little circles shouting insults as the Wargonians and they try and kill him – but they can't! Therefore, he is the eternal distraction. Rule Number Fifty-Eight: Put Hidan's immortality to good uses.

I left him behind with the crowds of Wargonian soldiers and sprinted in side of the temple, careful to duck my head to that people couldn't see me. Unfortunately, being a pink-skinned girl in a world full of gray-skinned Wargonians does not work in my favor and I stood out like a sore thumb.

"There she is!"

"That Jashinist girl!"

"Get her! Kill her! Rip her to tiny shreds!"

I screamed and high-tailed it out of there as fast as my short little legs could carry me.

The Wargonians were chasing after me and I led them down a series of hallways and corridors as I searched for Kisame. However, the Wargonians were faster than me and they caught up to me at one point. So, I twisted around and kick the first guy – who happened to be a soldier – between the legs and stole his spear.

"Alright, shitheads," I said, turning to the others. "Line up – single file – and I'll take you all one-by-one!"

They stopped. Stared at me. And then looked at one another in confusion.

"Why would we do that?" one of them asked.

"Er… To be nice to me?"

We all stared at one another awkwardly and then laughed.

"Like hell we'd be nice to you," cried one of the Wargonians between laughter. "We're trying to kill you…"

"Right." And then I sprinted out of there with hoards of Wargonians chasing after me.

"So – not – cool!"

And then they were gone.

Just like that, the Wargonians stopped chasing me and I was running alone through the long hallways of the Temple of Warg. I slowed to a walk and looked around bemusedly.

"What?" I asked. "Am I not worthy of killing now?"

Silence.

"Come on! I'm standing right here! All alone! Come kill me!"

Still no answer.

"What the hell?"

With a shrug, I hurried along through the corridors until I managed to find the room that the captives had describe for me during their torture. I pushed open the door and sure enough, Kisame was there – big, blue, and shark-like, definitely Kisame.

"Took you long enough," he said. "They tied me up with ropes – the idiots – come free me."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…" I muttered, pulling a knife out of my pockets and crossing the room. I cut the thick ropes that bound Kisame and then stepped back while he free himself from the tangle. "I only returned because Kate would kill me otherwise."

"Isn't my girlfriend great? She saves my life even when she's not around."

"Did they torture you?" I asked.

Kisame shook his head. "I was probably only kidnapped to be bait. You know how it works."

"I know, but you'd think they would try to get some information out of you before then…"

"Maybe they took one look at my stunning good-looks and decided that to torture me would be a waste." Kisame grinned at my scandalized expression. "Or maybe they were just too confident that they could interrogate me after they had captured you and Hidan.

I rolled my eyes and then jerked my head in the direction of the door. "Come on let's go…"

My voice trailed off. Right in the middle of the doorway stood a Wargonian man. Only… he didn't look like just any other Wargonian man or soldier. He was dressed in gold with a silver crown upon his head and bronze shoes upon his feet – this guy was special. Anyone could tell by just one look at him.

"Who the hell are you?"

The Wargonian's mouth stiffened, but he didn't say anything for a second. Then, when he opened his mouth to reveal all his golden teeth, he said, "I am Urkakuk the Head Priest of the Temple of Warg. Who are you?"

"That's one mouthful of a name. I'm Desdemona Lee, but you can call me Dessie," I said. "And this Fish Fry is Kisame."

Kisame was rather offended by this introduction, but his good sense told him not to speak.

"And who is your Jashinist friend?" The way Urkakuk said the word 'Jashinist' was enough to set me on edge. Urkakuk hated Jashinists – to the extent that using the word hate was an understatement. Urkakuk loathed Jashinists. And, most unfortunately, Hidan was a Jashinist.

"That would be Hidan," I said. "He's a little psycho."

"We're not Jashinists," said Kisame quickly. "That idiot Hidan is – feel free to kill him – but Dessie and I aren't."

Urkakuk stared at us. "Any Jashinist is an enemy of mine. And a friend of my enemy is my enemy too."

"Er…" Kisame shifted awkwardly.

"Warg will punish you all…" Urkakuk raised his hand dangerously and pointed it at Kisame and me. "We will invade your dimension and crush it to tiny pieces until Warg will rule over your world! Then, as the great god Warg has ordered us, we will conquer new world and worlds beyond those! It's a shame you won't be there to see it. Now die oh pathetic ones…"

"Enough of this bullshit," I said and then kicked Urkakuk between the legs.

Urkakuk the Head Priest of the Temple of Warg grabbed onto his manly bits and crumpled to the floor wailing in pain. I stepped over his fallen body and turned to Kisame with a demonic grin. "Shall we go?"

"Crazy bitch…" muttered Kisame, but he followed me.

We managed to make it all the way out to the sculpture garden without being seen. Apparently Urkakuk had ordered the temple to be emptied of visitors while he got rid of the intruders, which, thankfully, helped us with our escape. However, the moment we entered the sculpture garden to collected Hidan (or what was left of him) we ran into scores of Wargonians soldiers all chasing after a screaming, swearing, sprinting silver-haired Jashinist.

"Hidan!" I called out.

"What do you want, bitch!"

"I have Fish Fry."

"Great!"

Hidan came running towards us at full speed. There was blood all over him where swords and spears had penetrated his skin, but, of course, that did not hinder his movement. Already the wounds had healed and only the blood stains remained.

"Hey, Kisame!" cried Hidan, as he passed us up and kept sprinting towards the city limits. "Word of advice – don't ever visit Wargonia again!"

I hurried after Hidan and called out, "I second that notion – Wargonia is not the place for me!"

"So are you going to convert?" asked Kisame.

"To Jashinism?" added Hidan.

"Never!" I screamed. "Just because I don't support Warg's followers doesn't mean I will give up on Warg!"

"That's nice," said Kisame, glancing over his shoulder frantically. "Now, as we have armies of Wargonians chasing after us, I suggest we run."

I laughed, my voice riding on the wind of the desert. "Three Akatsuki! Three Akatsuki! See how they run! See how they run! With the Wargonians god they ran a strife – and almost had heads cut off with a carving knife! Three Akatsuki! Three Akatsuki! See how they run! See how they run!"

"Dessie!" roared Kisame.

"Yes?"

"You're fucking crazy!"

Hidan let out a shriek of laughter. "Run faster, shitheads!"'

Other bastards, when they flee it looks cowardly, but here in the Akatsuki when we flee the scene screaming our heads off – we do it in style.