Chapter Sixty-One: Hating the Least

Rule Number Sixty-One: Remember a lot of people hate the Akatsuki

Dessie

There is nothing that hurts more than being forced to give up the Akatsuki hideout. Our secret home where we could hang out and relax was now overrun by ugly-ass creatures from Wargonia. Yep, this day has officially reached the top of the Sucks Like Hell list.

"Now remember, every single one of you," said Leader, his voice dark and grave. "You are not – and I mean no when I say it – allowed to get drunk tonight."

"Come on!" cried Kakuzu angrily. "After the shit we've been through, I think we deserve some sake!"

"Hear, hear!" Deidara cried.

We sat in the middle of a crowded bar, careful to speak in undertones in case someone was to overhear our plans. In situations like this, a secret hideout would be very useful – but no it just had to be overrun by Wargonian freaks.

"We have some serious issues to discuss," snapped Leader. "Our dimension–"

"The Fence," I added.

"The what?" Leader stared at me blankly.

"Kisame, Hidan, and I renamed our dimension the Fence to prevent any confusion. The Fence is being invaded by freaks from Wargonia – carry on."

Leader looked murderous. "As I was saying before I was interrupted: we are in the middle of a dire situation here. Wargonians have invaded the hideout and plan to take over… the Fence… And there are too many of them to fight."

"Why don't we get help?" asked Kate.

Hannah nodded in agreement, though I think she too saw a big hole in this plan.

"We're the Akatsuki – the number one criminal organization!" Leader said coldly. "We don't ask for help. We are above help. And besides, everyone hates us."

"He has a point," I said.

"We will die and the Fence overrun if we don't do something about it," said Konan. "We can ask some countries to help us with the threat – I'm sure they will if we have proof that the Wargonians are real…"

"They hate us."

"We still have to try," Hannah pointed out.

"Hn."

"Itachi agrees," said Kisame. "And so do I."

There was a quick vote, which ended eight to four that we should get help. Leader sighed in resignation and slumped back. "Fine. But who should we talk to?"

"Konoha," said Itachi immediately. "They're powerful and they might be willing to give us a chance."

"And Team Hebi!" I cried excitedly. "Powerful, strong, and they know who we are!"

"You just want to see Sasuke," said Hannah.

"Well – and they have two Hotties," I added with a shrug. "But who's counting?"

"And Suna," added Deidara thoughtfully (I didn't know Deidara could think). "They're allies with Konoha. If we win those two over, we can probably win over the rest of the countries and their leaders."

Leader grumbled. "The Akatsuki asking for help. Blasphemy!"

"Just get over it," muttered Konan, which caused Leader to shoot her a murderous glare.

"Fine. We'll divide into groups of four and go out into the world – but who should go where to negotiate? I mean, when you think about it, people like Deidara or Itachi are hated by everyone…"

"Then we'll have to go by who hates them the least," said Kisame.

"So…" Leader thought for a moment. "Suna probably hates Deidara the most since he kidnapped and killed their Kazekage…"

"The Kazekage came back to life though," said Deidara. "So it hardly matters anymore."

Leader ignored him. "Konoha's fought Deidara on multiple occasions and they're good friends of Suna's so they probably don't like Deidara very much either. And Team Hebi – Deidara and Sasuke don't get along very well… But Sasuke probably hates Deidara less than everyone else… So Deidara can go to Team Hebi."

"My head is spinning…" muttered Kate.

"Why does everyone hate you?" asked Kisame incredulously.

"What can I say? They're just jealous of my artistic talents." Deidara grinned smugly.

"Somehow I don't think that's it…"

"Next is Itachi," said Leader. "Sasuke will kill him on sight, so Team Hebi is a no. Konoha doesn't like Itachi very much either since be destroyed the whole Uchiha clan… So, while Suna hates Itachi too, I guess he has to go there…"

"Oh! Oh!" I hopped up and down in my seat, waving my arm about wildly. When I had captured Leader's attention, I leaned forward eagerly and cried, "Can I go see either Mini-Hottie or Red-Hottie?"

"Who?"

"Hell no!" (this was Hidan talking)

"Sasuke or Gaara!"

Leader groaned and shook his head. "Both Gaara and Sasuke hate you and since Konoha knows you the least, you're going there."

"But…"

"No buts – making out with them will not get us any where in negotiations. Let's see… Hannah was with Dessie when Dessie kissed Gaara, so Gaara probably doesn't like Hannah very much either – so sending Kate to Suna is the better choice. Which means, Hannah, you're going to Team Hebi."

"Lucky!" I wailed.

"I want to go to Konoha too!" cried Hidan.

"Nope," said Leader. "In case you've forgotten a bunch of shinobi has sworn revenge against you for killing their sensei and you'll probably kill Sasuke on sight, so you're going to Suna with Itachi and Kate."

"And Kisame… Well, Suigetsu hates him and Konoha does too… Since Suna doesn't know Kisame, he's going there too…"

Kisame smiled adoringly at Kate and she turned a vivid shade of red – it's enough to make someone puke.

"Kakuzu… Konoha has issues with him so we'll send him to Team Hebi and Zetsu will go to Konoha…" Leader thought for a second. "Konan and I will go to Konoha and Tobi can go to Team Hebi…"

"What!" Deidara cried. "I have to travel with that thing again!"

"Shut up, sit down, and don't complain," snapped Leader. "Deidara, Tobi, Hannah, and Kakuzu are going to talk to Sasuke – end of story. Kisame, Kate, Hidan, and Itachi are going to Suna. And Dessie, Zetsu, Konan, and I will go to Konoha. No debating this fact or I will rip out you intestines and shove them down your throat with a cup of your own blood to help it down. Understand?"

Slowly, everyone nodded.

"Good, now try not to make more enemies during your negotiations."

Rule number Sixty-One: Remember, a lot of people hate the Akatsuki, so when dealing with negotiations send them to the people who hate them the least.

"Shouldn't we kidnap some Wargonians as proof?" asked Kakuzu suddenly. "Suna, Konoha, and Hebi won't believe us unless we have solid evidence that the Wargonian threat does exist."

Leader considered this. "Good point. Alright, before you all set out, Itachi, Kate, Kakuzu, Tobi, and Kisame – go fetch me three living Wargonians."

Hannah groaned. "Again! Kate gets to have all the fun."

I patted her on the shoulder and ordered us two bottles of sake (ignore the glares I am receiving from Leader). "And after she gets the bodies, you get to go see Mini-Hottie! Lucky bitch! We don't have work tomorrow so we can get as drunk as skunks and no one will care."

"But I don't want to get drunk as a skunk," Hannah muttered.

However, despite her words, when the waitress came with our drinks, Hannah took her gladly and drunk it all in a matter of minutes. I laughed and ordered more.

Kisame, Kate, Kakuzu, Itachi, and Tobi left in the direction of the hideout almost immediately while Leader and Konan retired to their rooms to get some "sleep". Only Hidan, Deidara, Zetsu, Hannah, and I remained behind to drink.

"We have had a drunken party in awhile…" said Deidara, taking a long draught of sake. "That hits the spot…"

"I miss our drunken frenzies," I cried. "Remember the time Hannah and Zetsu got married?"

Everyone except Zetsu and Hannah started laughing.

"Remember the time," Hannah asked. "That Dessie tried to rape Itachi? Or when Itachi used her as a meat shield? Or when Leader tried to rape Dessie? Ah… those were the good old days…"

I glared.

"Didn't Tobi think he was a private investigator once?" asked Hidan.

Hannah nodded. 'And Kate was his partner Elizabeth. That was back when Kate had a crush on Tobi."

"The creation of the Love Guru," I said with a laugh. "Kisame makes a crappy Love Guru."

Hidan nodded in agreement.

"He had one successful love though," said Hannah. "His own."

I look a long sip of sake and then leaned back in my seat. "Kate's got a boyfriend… what a bitch. Who would have thought… Hey! I'm out of sake! Get me some more assholes!"

The waitress returned with more and the guys and I helped ourselves to it. Hannah remained sober.

"What are you?" I asked. "My designated driver?"

"You're going to need a designated walker if you don't stop drinking," Hannah muttered.

"We want some cheese…" Zetsu said to no one in particular. "Does yous have some cheese?"

"No Zetsu," said Hidan. "We do not have any shitty cheese."

"We don't want shitty cheese. We want good cheese. Does yous have any good cheese?" Zetsu was looking in the complete opposite direction of Hidan and I had the sneaking suspicion that he was talking to the window beside him.

"Zetsu sure gets drunk easily," said Deidara, taking another drink of sake.

"You're one to talk, lightweight," I said, laughing. "You and Hidan are always the first one drunk at parties."

"Actually, Dessie," Hannah said. "That's you. You get drunk first, then Hidan and Deidara, then Konan, Zetsu, and Tobi. Then Kisame and Leader. And then Kakuzu."

"What about Itachi?" asked Deidara.

"Itachi doesn't drink. It would ruin his cool image."

"Itachi? Cool?" asked Hidan incredulously. "Where did this come from?"

"Don't talk about the Original Hottie like that!" I cried, hitting Hidan over the shoulder. "Original Hottie is too cool to get drunk and act like a fool – isn't he so amazing? I could just cut him up into little pieces and then eat him in little flavorful bites for the rest of my life – om-nom-nom-nom-nom!"

"She's drunk," said Deidara.

"Maybe not," Hannah said. "Dessie acts like that on a regular basis."

"And that's a scary thought…"

"Where's our cheese!" Zetsu's slammed his fist on the table. "We want our cheese! Who do we have to eat around here to get a bite of cheese!"

Deidara whacked Zetsu over the back of the head and Zetsu's eyes rolled up so that we could see the whites. Then, Zetsu collapsed, slumping back in his chair, and Deidara prodded him hesitantly to make sure that Zetsu was unconscious.

"Be careful," Hannah said. "Or he'll bite your fingers off."

"He needs a sign around his neck that says: do not feet the vicious man-eating plant," I added, cheerfully having another drink of sake. "Ah, Zetsu. All criminal organizations need cannibalistic Venus flytraps – it makes things livelier, don't you think?"

"Dessie…" said Hannah slowly. "Don't be mean to Zetsu."

"Why? You rejected him, didn't you? You have absolutely no right to tell me what I can and can't do regarding Zetsu. If we suddenly decided to get hitched, Hannah, you can't tell us not to." I giggled delightedly. "Hey! We can have a harem – you think Kate will want to join?"

"No harems!" cried Hidan, sloshing his drink as he waved his arms about wildly.

"That's right," I said, my words slurring a little. "Hidan only likes harems when he's a part of them."

"And I thought you only liked Hottie harems," added Deidara.

"I do." I turned to Hannah and patted her on the back. "I guess you and Zetsu will have to create a harem on your own. I have my Hotties to attend to."

"Question," said Deidara, thrusting a fist into the air and waving it about wildly in an attempt to capture my attention. "Why am I not a part of this Hottie harem? I am a much a Hottie as that bitch Sasuke!"

I considered this for a moment and the laughed. "Do you want to be an honorary Hottie? You can be the Bang-Bang-Hottie!" I collapsed in a fit of giggles. "I like it! Bang-Bang-Hottie! Welcome to my harem!"

"You're all freaks…" muttered Hannah.

"What about me?" asked Hidan between chugs of sake. "Do I get to join your harem?"

I stared at Hidan for all of one-point-five seconds, before saying, "No."

"Why not?"

"Because–" I began but I was interrupted oh-so-rudely by Hannah.

"Because she's never really liked a guy before, so Dessie doesn't know how to refer to the guy she likes as a Hottie."

Silence.

Slowly, I turned to stare at Hannah. She was glaring at me, clearly irritated for some reason or another – but not nearly as irritated as I was. I could feel the eyes of Deidara and Hidan on me, both of them waiting to see what my response would be (drunken or not, the result was sure to be violent).

"I–"

"DID I NOT TELL YOU – ALL OF YOU – THAT GETTING DRUNK TONIGHT IS FORBIDDEN!"

"Uh-oh…"

Leader stormed through the bar with murderous intent blazing through his eyes. Konan trailed after him, knowing that our doom was approaching and rather satisfied with that fact. I leapt to the other side of the table and cowered behind Hidan (a pure coincidence, I assure you) while Deidara shrieked and tried to flee the bar as fast as he possibly could. Of course, Leader caught him.

"I'm innocent," said Hannah, getting up from her seat. "I had not a single drop of sake."

"Shut up, bitch!" said Hidan and then he dumped an entire bottle of sake on Hannah's head.

I cackled with laughter. "If he had more ingenious moment like that I might be attracted to him! You're sakeified, Hannah!"

"I'm what!"

"What is this about Dessie being attracted to Hidan?" asked Konan. "Did they sleep together?"

"What – no!" I rounded on Hannah, cracking my knuckles threateningly. "Hannah – what have you been telling people? Do I need to send the undertaker another body?"

"Deidara."

"Eh?"

Hannah stared at me, all cool and collected like, and said, "It was Deidara spreading rumors about you and Hidan. You know Deidara – he loves perverted stuff. And gossip op right up his alley – just look at that hair!"

I glanced sidelong at Deidara, who look scandalized, and then I nodded. "You're right. Deidara's hair is very preppy. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a gossip-hungry two-faced duck-billed platypus."

Hidan groaned and rubbed the side of his head. "This is worse than the humu-whacka-whaka-a-poo-a-ah…"

"Humuhumunukunukuapua'a?" I asked.

"Yeah, that thing."